(the scene continues this time in Shreddy's kitchen. Professor Jane Goodall is sitting at the table with Bubble 07 (Shreddy's bong) while Shreddy is mixing white homemade bread. Professor Goodall is happy that they had raised $50 million US Dollars for the Jane Goodall Institute doing a Groomathon of Shreddy's back)
PROFESSOR GOODALL - How soon until the bread is ready Shreddy? Wow, ready & Shreddy rhyme.
SHREDDY - Ready and Shreddy do rhyme, Lady Jane and they both end in the letter Y.
PROFESSOR GOODALL - They do. I love the smell of fresh bread being made. It reminds me of my childhood back in a day when people ate fresh bread.
SHREDDY - I used to buy whole grain bread and eat lots of it because the experts and my physician told me it was good for me. However then my Strina explained how whole grain bread would kill me and I stopped eating whole grains and started mixing my own homemade white bread daily. Would you believe that since I have stopped putting whole grain poison into my body I have lost 10 centimeters off of my waist line.
PROFESSOR GOODALL - How on earth does one lose 10 centimeters off of their waist eating white bread?
SHREDDY - See that dried out piece of my homemade white bread on the cutting board. Please taste it Lady Jane.
(Professor Goodall picks up the dry piece of homemade bread and has a bite. She tastes it, wolfs it down and has another bite. She takes a sip of water and finishes off the rest of the slice of dry bread)
PROFESSOR GOODALL - This bread is delicious. I didn't need to put any butter or margarine on it. If that bread was wholegrain I would have had to smother it in Becel.
SHREDDY - You just explained the whole grain death mechanism. Whole grain tastes bad, and it needs to be smothered in fat to make it palatable. Back in 1980 before the nutritionists started telling people to eat whole grains, the average 40 year old woman in Canada had a 28 inch waist. In 2010 after listening to the experts tell them that eating whole grains was good the average 40 year old woman in Canada has a 32 inch waist. I sometimes wonder if the majority of people are stupid, because their seems to be a direct correlation between whole grain consumption and waist sizes.
PROFESSOR GOODALL - Thank goodness I spent most of my life active in the bush. I do find it shocking when I see women half my age having mobility issues because of girth.
SHREDDY - Lady Jane, I suspect we are witnessing a dysgenic effect. I see Western Society evolving into two groups, the physically fit and the deliberately lame. I see the deliberately lame becoming a progressively heavier burden on the physically fit. Eventually a snapping point will be reached when the physically fit rebel against the oppressive burden of the deliberately lame.
PROFESSOR GOODALL - You don't see man made global warming as mankind's next Darwinist event?
SHREDDY - I see people following the advice of nutrition experts as mankind's next Darwinist event. In my honest opinion man made global warming is a hoax that is being foisted on to gullible people by a class of parasites that want funding derived from the sweat of the proletariat, so that they themselves do not have to sweat.
PROFESSOR GOODALL - I love having a conversation with someone who is not afraid to voice their opinions. These days with political correctness, the fear of offending someone keeps thoughts that should be shared private.
SHREDDY - I feel we are devolving into an Idiocracy. The unfit females are breeding young and at an exponential growth rate. While intelligent women are delaying their reproduction to the point of not being able to reproduce at all. Do you know what are the odds of a University Educated woman that is 35 years old that has not found a mate of ever becoming a mother?
PROFESSOR GOODALL - I think it is about one in one hundred.
SHREDDY - I am a primate and you are the worlds foremost primatologist what do you think should be my approach to having biological children?
PROFESSOR GOODALL - It depends on whether you would want the children to share a mother or if you prefer that they have different mothers.
SHREDDY - Assuming I want my potential children to share a mother and have full genetic siblings?
PROFESSOR GOODALL - Stay away from the pot on your upcoming trip to the former Yugoslavia, and only have a hoot if a woman offers you a toke. I know it is important for you that you have children that could speak your native tongue. If you want biological children with one woman you will be looking for a mate in her mid 20s. Fertility starts to decline with women who have not had a child starting at age 28. If a woman is over the age of 30 I wouldn't waste the time if biological children are your goal unless she has proven fertility. If one of your cousin's girlfriends passes you a joint on your upcoming trip to Zagreb.
SHREDDY - Should I have a hoot?
PROFESSOR GOODALL - Throw her in your bridal sack and bring her back to Canada right away. Odds are she would either be a physician, engineer, lawyer etc in her mid 20s that could speak the Queens English and she wouldn't nag you about your pot smoking. You wouldn't have the issue of declining fertility or of a female parasite. Make haste for Victoria and start making babies.
SHREDDY - Now you had mentioned a more than one woman strategy towards having offspring.
PROFESSOR GOODALL - Replacement requires at least two children and more than one woman. You have to go against your honorable nature and become a rogue. Find a woman in her early 30s who would have the means of raising an offspring alone, who has not had a child. Impregnate her, run like hell and find the next woman in her early 30s who hasn't had a child. Repeat as before and keep repeating until you die or one of the offspring you sired and abandoned hunts you down and kills you. My best guess is that if you could impregnate two women per year, with half of them realizing that the fetus is their only chance of becoming mothers, and you contributing exceptional genes will choose not to abort. I figure you could easily leave 30 plus biological children.
SHREDDY - I think it is wisest that I try the one woman reproductive strategy.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Playing God's Apprentice Part 7 - Searching for a Mate
(the scene starts with Lady Jane Goodall mounted on Shreddy's back chimpanzee style grooming him. She has been searching for a trophy blackhead for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, If the trophy blackhead is a one centimeter spaghetti snake shadow caster (OCMSSSC), the Gates Foundation will purchase Zimbabwe for a chimpanzee preserve)
JANE GOODALL - You know Shreddy, change happens for a reason. I have a theory as to what happened to you in Herzegovina and Croatia two summers ago.
SHREDDY - I suffered irreversible heat stroke in the village cemetery in TINJ and the part of my brain that thinks "Can not" got permanently fried.
JANE GOODALL - You had an out of body experience. During a moment of altered consciousness, you envisioned yourself alternatively. Somewhere in your genetic code something tripped, and your body started to change in anticipation of breeding. You are morphing into a silver-back and you are adopting more alpha tendencies by the day.
SHREDDY - So my upcoming trip to Serbia to fulfill a dare and get some potato and onion pita?
JANE GOODALL - The dare is just an excuse to place you in a position where you are in a country that you are fluent in the language, where there is a high probability of finding a mate.
SHREDDY - I do want a biological child so badly that if it was possible for a man to gestate an egg, I would.
JANE GOODALL - How does your daughter feel about your desire for another child?
SHREDDY - She told me she wants a baby brother. She would be at least 21 years older than her sibling, so in a way she would be like a sister/aunt.
JANE GOODALL - Now imagine if we could give a woman that was looking for a mate the level of abstract reasoning of a chimpanzee..
SHREDDY - I would marry her in a heartbeat.
(Lady Jane Goodall sees a sore spot on Shreddy's back where a mosquito bit him, she digs her fingernails into it as if she is doing a shoddy job of a blackhead extraction. Shreddy screams in pain)
SHREDDY - Arghhh that hurts.
JANE GOODALL - You know how I feel about human to chimpanzee comparisons. Amongst all of the first generation Diaspora Croatian women, how many instances are you firsthand aware of that the female put more thought into the choice of a mate than a female troglodyte.
SHREDDY - One. A Hercegovian female who married a badass from Mostar that was almost 20 years her senior. She figured that the ultimate proof was in the individual male specimen. The fellow did not have mountains of money, but was an adequate provider. She saw in his mid 40s a physical specimen that put the mid 20s males of which I was one, to shame. She could have easily married a borderline retard from a wealthy family, but instead she wanted the fittest male to pass his genes onto her children. Instead of thinking about a designer handbag for herself, she was thinking about the health and longevity of a yet to be conceived child.
JANE GOODALL - Her bloodlines were from Bosnia and Herzegovina not Croatia. How about Serbian women?
SHREDDY - Mila Mulroney jumps to mind. The Rt. Honourable Brian Mulroney is fifteen years her senior and she bore him four children. She even allowed them to all be baptized Catholic because she thought it would be odd for a child with the last name Mulroney to not be a Roman Catholic. She was able to look past his age, and see raw mental horsepower. You can even argue that her children by virtue of being Roman Catholic are part Croatian.
JANE GOODALL - If I can provide you with one piece of advice for your upcoming trip to Serbia. If some Serbian fellow wants to take you home to introduce you to their daughter, niece, sister etc. Make sure you meet the young lady before you have your first drink, and ask the most important questions of all and get the correct answers before you have a second drink.
SHREDDY - What number can you count to on one hand, and show me a narrow grip chin up from a full extension.
JANE GOODALL - If she can do a chin up, and gives you an answer other than 5, you can't go wrong.
SHREDDY - And if I have a drink first
JANE GOODALL - When you finally sober up. You will find yourself married to a woman who can only count to 5 on one hand, who is incapable of doing a chin-up and you will have a clan of in-laws wanting to set up a western suburb of Hamilton Ontario on Vancouver Island.
SHREDDY - Thank goodness they have a relaxed attitude about pot in Serbia.
JANE GOODALL - You know Shreddy, change happens for a reason. I have a theory as to what happened to you in Herzegovina and Croatia two summers ago.
SHREDDY - I suffered irreversible heat stroke in the village cemetery in TINJ and the part of my brain that thinks "Can not" got permanently fried.
JANE GOODALL - You had an out of body experience. During a moment of altered consciousness, you envisioned yourself alternatively. Somewhere in your genetic code something tripped, and your body started to change in anticipation of breeding. You are morphing into a silver-back and you are adopting more alpha tendencies by the day.
SHREDDY - So my upcoming trip to Serbia to fulfill a dare and get some potato and onion pita?
JANE GOODALL - The dare is just an excuse to place you in a position where you are in a country that you are fluent in the language, where there is a high probability of finding a mate.
SHREDDY - I do want a biological child so badly that if it was possible for a man to gestate an egg, I would.
JANE GOODALL - How does your daughter feel about your desire for another child?
SHREDDY - She told me she wants a baby brother. She would be at least 21 years older than her sibling, so in a way she would be like a sister/aunt.
JANE GOODALL - Now imagine if we could give a woman that was looking for a mate the level of abstract reasoning of a chimpanzee..
SHREDDY - I would marry her in a heartbeat.
(Lady Jane Goodall sees a sore spot on Shreddy's back where a mosquito bit him, she digs her fingernails into it as if she is doing a shoddy job of a blackhead extraction. Shreddy screams in pain)
SHREDDY - Arghhh that hurts.
JANE GOODALL - You know how I feel about human to chimpanzee comparisons. Amongst all of the first generation Diaspora Croatian women, how many instances are you firsthand aware of that the female put more thought into the choice of a mate than a female troglodyte.
SHREDDY - One. A Hercegovian female who married a badass from Mostar that was almost 20 years her senior. She figured that the ultimate proof was in the individual male specimen. The fellow did not have mountains of money, but was an adequate provider. She saw in his mid 40s a physical specimen that put the mid 20s males of which I was one, to shame. She could have easily married a borderline retard from a wealthy family, but instead she wanted the fittest male to pass his genes onto her children. Instead of thinking about a designer handbag for herself, she was thinking about the health and longevity of a yet to be conceived child.
JANE GOODALL - Her bloodlines were from Bosnia and Herzegovina not Croatia. How about Serbian women?
SHREDDY - Mila Mulroney jumps to mind. The Rt. Honourable Brian Mulroney is fifteen years her senior and she bore him four children. She even allowed them to all be baptized Catholic because she thought it would be odd for a child with the last name Mulroney to not be a Roman Catholic. She was able to look past his age, and see raw mental horsepower. You can even argue that her children by virtue of being Roman Catholic are part Croatian.
JANE GOODALL - If I can provide you with one piece of advice for your upcoming trip to Serbia. If some Serbian fellow wants to take you home to introduce you to their daughter, niece, sister etc. Make sure you meet the young lady before you have your first drink, and ask the most important questions of all and get the correct answers before you have a second drink.
SHREDDY - What number can you count to on one hand, and show me a narrow grip chin up from a full extension.
JANE GOODALL - If she can do a chin up, and gives you an answer other than 5, you can't go wrong.
SHREDDY - And if I have a drink first
JANE GOODALL - When you finally sober up. You will find yourself married to a woman who can only count to 5 on one hand, who is incapable of doing a chin-up and you will have a clan of in-laws wanting to set up a western suburb of Hamilton Ontario on Vancouver Island.
SHREDDY - Thank goodness they have a relaxed attitude about pot in Serbia.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Playing God's Apprentice Part 6a - Distorting Time (The Witches Brew)
"The field is the sole governing agency of the particle" Albert Einstein
(the scene continues where Lady Jane Goodall is straddling Shreddy's back in a chimpanzee manner grooming him, hunting for the elusive one centimeter trophy blackhead for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. The One Centimeter Spaghetti Snake Shadow Caster)
LADY JANE GOODALL - Hold still Shreddy, flex your left trapezius, I am going to make an attempt for buying Zimbabwe,
SHREDDY - #$%$# @#$#% please don't dig in with your nails Lady Jane. How would you like it if I did that to you.
LADY JANE GOODALL - Is that an offer?
SHREDDY - My apologies Lady Jane. I know your close range eyesight is not what it used to be, and I am deeply sorry for using foul language in your presence.
LADY JANE GOODALL - Just give me a second. 8.6 millimeters when laid out lengthwise. Darn we almost got it. You know if you were man enough for steroids, the Chimpanzees would now own Zimbabwe.
SHREDDY - Here is my Witches Brew. It is made up of four parts; the rest state enhancers; the hormone soup; the neurological re-integrator; and finally the metabolic aids that help my body achieve an anabolic state. Everything is natural source from the plant and animal kingdom.
Rest State Enhancers
The body only grows, repairs and regenerates when it is in a rest state. If you are stressing your system your rest requirements increase. I personally try for a 8:00PM bedtime and I intend to maintain this regimen until my 45th birthday, at which point my plan is to reduce my stress level and start living something approaching a normal life. The substances I use to enhance my rest state are:
1> 5HTP (Hydroxy Triptophan) - Basically turkey extract. Eating lots of turkey makes one sleepy. This is because turkey meat is a high natural source of Hydroxy Triptophan which is a precursor chemical that the body turn into melatonin (the sleep hormone). I take 100 milligrams a night before bed.
2> Marijuana (taken orally) - If anyone has eaten pot they would have experienced a body stone characterized by clear thought and near paralysis. As an individual ages, the muscles natural repair process is slowed down. Eating marijuana causes the muscles to achieve a state of near paralysis, and appears to trick the body into thinking the muscle is younger. I take 1,000 milligrams (BC Bud powdered in gelatin capsules) orally before bed.
The Hormone Soup
Some might call it vaginal envy, but messing with ones hormone levels can be fun.
1> Bulgarian Tribulus Root - The strongest source of male hormones in the plant kingdom. This was discovered by the Bulgarian Shamans at least 2,000 years ago. It boosts the bodies testosterone level and helps promote the development of lean muscle mass. It is available at most large health food stores. I take 4,500 milligrams divided into two doses, one when I wake up and one before bed.
2> Marijuana (taken orally) - After Yams, the strongest source of estrogen like compounds in the plant kingdom. The nightly bedtime dose provides some estrogen to mitigate against the effect of boosting my testosterone levels with the Bulgarian Tribulus Root on my prostate gland.
The Neurological Reintigrator
1> Marijuana (taken orally) - A funny thing happened when scientists decided to feed large amounts of BC Bud to laboratory rats. Much to their surprise orally administered whole bud caused the brains of adult rats to grow new dendrites and neurological pathways. Scientists are now finding when they dissect the brains of old chronic stoners that they appear to be immune to the effects of Alzheimer's disease. If you spend your adult life as a fat person, getting a new body is an awkward experience. Bumble bees can't fly and 45 year old fat guys can't do inverted pikes. Getting an effective new body means having to re hard-wire the body's neurological control system.
Metabolic Aids
These natural substances help the body achieve an anabolic state characterized by very active proteins causing muscle cell growth.
1> Fish Oil - Contains omega fatty acids and DHEA. My motto is go big or go home. I do not take fish oil capsules (I would need 25 capsules for my dosage). I either eat oolikan grease (have to have First Nations friends and be courageous), or I have a 30ml shot glass of fish oil every morning. Mother natures steroid that reduces inflammation in the joints allowing one to train more intensely and shock the body into changing. An important point to remember is that 30ml of fish oil has 240 calories that have to be removed from elsewhere in the diet.
2> HMB (Hydroxy Methyl Butrate) - A amino acid that is naturally produced by the human brain. We normally produce 0.2 to 0.4 grams per day. I take 3 grams per day. It appears to effect the way my body processes carbohydrates. I eat white bread, white sugar and white rice. Somehow these foods that the experts say are bad for me seem to react with the HMB to cause my body to grow lean muscle mass. Available at most health food stores.
LADY JANE GOODALL - OK Shreddy my turn. Do you know why that after mating, female humans want to cuddle and male humans want to roll over onto the opposite side to sleep?
SHREDDY - Of course, the female wants the transfer of the males pheromones so as to regulate her hormonal fluctuations and make her more pleasant thereby keeping the male around to help her raise the offspring. The male want to roll over and play dead so as to deny the female the pheromones thereby making her more irritable thus giving him an incentive to leave the female and find another female to mate with and create yet another offspring. It is called an evolutionary advantage reproductive strategy.
LADY JANE GOODALL - My you are a sharp cub.
(the scene continues where Lady Jane Goodall is straddling Shreddy's back in a chimpanzee manner grooming him, hunting for the elusive one centimeter trophy blackhead for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. The One Centimeter Spaghetti Snake Shadow Caster)
LADY JANE GOODALL - Hold still Shreddy, flex your left trapezius, I am going to make an attempt for buying Zimbabwe,
SHREDDY - #$%$# @#$#% please don't dig in with your nails Lady Jane. How would you like it if I did that to you.
LADY JANE GOODALL - Is that an offer?
SHREDDY - My apologies Lady Jane. I know your close range eyesight is not what it used to be, and I am deeply sorry for using foul language in your presence.
LADY JANE GOODALL - Just give me a second. 8.6 millimeters when laid out lengthwise. Darn we almost got it. You know if you were man enough for steroids, the Chimpanzees would now own Zimbabwe.
SHREDDY - Here is my Witches Brew. It is made up of four parts; the rest state enhancers; the hormone soup; the neurological re-integrator; and finally the metabolic aids that help my body achieve an anabolic state. Everything is natural source from the plant and animal kingdom.
Rest State Enhancers
The body only grows, repairs and regenerates when it is in a rest state. If you are stressing your system your rest requirements increase. I personally try for a 8:00PM bedtime and I intend to maintain this regimen until my 45th birthday, at which point my plan is to reduce my stress level and start living something approaching a normal life. The substances I use to enhance my rest state are:
1> 5HTP (Hydroxy Triptophan) - Basically turkey extract. Eating lots of turkey makes one sleepy. This is because turkey meat is a high natural source of Hydroxy Triptophan which is a precursor chemical that the body turn into melatonin (the sleep hormone). I take 100 milligrams a night before bed.
2> Marijuana (taken orally) - If anyone has eaten pot they would have experienced a body stone characterized by clear thought and near paralysis. As an individual ages, the muscles natural repair process is slowed down. Eating marijuana causes the muscles to achieve a state of near paralysis, and appears to trick the body into thinking the muscle is younger. I take 1,000 milligrams (BC Bud powdered in gelatin capsules) orally before bed.
The Hormone Soup
Some might call it vaginal envy, but messing with ones hormone levels can be fun.
1> Bulgarian Tribulus Root - The strongest source of male hormones in the plant kingdom. This was discovered by the Bulgarian Shamans at least 2,000 years ago. It boosts the bodies testosterone level and helps promote the development of lean muscle mass. It is available at most large health food stores. I take 4,500 milligrams divided into two doses, one when I wake up and one before bed.
2> Marijuana (taken orally) - After Yams, the strongest source of estrogen like compounds in the plant kingdom. The nightly bedtime dose provides some estrogen to mitigate against the effect of boosting my testosterone levels with the Bulgarian Tribulus Root on my prostate gland.
The Neurological Reintigrator
1> Marijuana (taken orally) - A funny thing happened when scientists decided to feed large amounts of BC Bud to laboratory rats. Much to their surprise orally administered whole bud caused the brains of adult rats to grow new dendrites and neurological pathways. Scientists are now finding when they dissect the brains of old chronic stoners that they appear to be immune to the effects of Alzheimer's disease. If you spend your adult life as a fat person, getting a new body is an awkward experience. Bumble bees can't fly and 45 year old fat guys can't do inverted pikes. Getting an effective new body means having to re hard-wire the body's neurological control system.
Metabolic Aids
These natural substances help the body achieve an anabolic state characterized by very active proteins causing muscle cell growth.
1> Fish Oil - Contains omega fatty acids and DHEA. My motto is go big or go home. I do not take fish oil capsules (I would need 25 capsules for my dosage). I either eat oolikan grease (have to have First Nations friends and be courageous), or I have a 30ml shot glass of fish oil every morning. Mother natures steroid that reduces inflammation in the joints allowing one to train more intensely and shock the body into changing. An important point to remember is that 30ml of fish oil has 240 calories that have to be removed from elsewhere in the diet.
2> HMB (Hydroxy Methyl Butrate) - A amino acid that is naturally produced by the human brain. We normally produce 0.2 to 0.4 grams per day. I take 3 grams per day. It appears to effect the way my body processes carbohydrates. I eat white bread, white sugar and white rice. Somehow these foods that the experts say are bad for me seem to react with the HMB to cause my body to grow lean muscle mass. Available at most health food stores.
LADY JANE GOODALL - OK Shreddy my turn. Do you know why that after mating, female humans want to cuddle and male humans want to roll over onto the opposite side to sleep?
SHREDDY - Of course, the female wants the transfer of the males pheromones so as to regulate her hormonal fluctuations and make her more pleasant thereby keeping the male around to help her raise the offspring. The male want to roll over and play dead so as to deny the female the pheromones thereby making her more irritable thus giving him an incentive to leave the female and find another female to mate with and create yet another offspring. It is called an evolutionary advantage reproductive strategy.
LADY JANE GOODALL - My you are a sharp cub.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Playing God's Apprentice Part 6 - Distorting Time
"The field is the sole governing agency of the particle" Albert Einstein
(the scene continues with Lady Jane Goodall straddling Shreddy's back chimpanzee style hunting for the elusive trophy blackhead)
JANE GOODALL - There Shreddy, I have identified 8 possible hiding spots that should give Melinda Gates and her girlfriends the One Centi Meter Spaghetti Snake Shadow Caster that they have been looking for.
SHREDDY - What is it about blackheads of the trapezoid muscles and the latissimus dorsi that drives women bonkers?
JANE GOODALL - We can't help it Shreddy. We are primates, this is the most hard wired behavior we women have. It is called grooming. Why do you think women look for men that they can change? You know what they say about men having a one track mind.
SHREDDY - That allegedly we are only interested in sex?
JANE GOODALL - Of course. Human females don't have visible estrus. Since men don't know when women are fertile, they always want to have sex so as to ensure that their genes replicate themselves.
SHREDDY - You have just given me an example where chimpanzees evolution is ahead of ours. If female humans were able to display when they were receptive, I would not have thrown half of my life away.
JANE GOODALL - It's your destiny as a man to squander half your life away. Anyhow, what I find fascinating about examining your back is how is it that 15 years ago at age 30 you had a 45 year old body, while today at age 45 you have a 30 year old body One would logically assume that you would have a 60 to 67 year old body today if you progressed naturally.
SHREDDY - Nothing ages an individual faster than lugging surplus weight around. Your body just wears itself out being itself. It's almost as if within our matter we contain a fixed amount of energy and our lifespan is a function of what speed we degenerate this energy store. Losing the first fifty pounds just took me to the level of the average 43 year old North American male. Altering my mind took me from a typical 43 year old North American male and reset my body to that of a typical Hercegovian.
JANE GOODALL - Are you suggesting that mind, intention and belief can reset your endocrine system? You have got to take it easy on the bong.
SHREDDY - Mind, intention and belief can totally reset the endocrine system. I had lived through half my life under the illusion that I was genetically predisposed to being chubby, studious and sedentary. A natural for the accounting profession.
JANE GOODALL - So you had your illusion shattered by finding out your genetic predisposition was to be athletic and youthful. How on earth do you reset your body and change from a 43 year old into a 30 year old in a year and a half? Certainly there is more to it than Club Soda and CLA.
SHREDDY - There certainly is. Most important of all is belief and intention. Believing that your bodies genes contain an alternate blueprint and having the intention to allow your body to re-optimize to the alternate blueprint. 99% of people cannot cross the belief and intention barrier. I saw with my own eyes my Ujko. I knew that mother nature gave me everything he had, plus all the genes from my fathers side. Something in my head snapped. I started to believe that I could have a body like an underwear model when I am in my 70s and that god made me athletic.
JANE GOODALL - So you send your body intentions to correct itself.
SHREDDY - That I do Lady Jane. My grip bar and the rest of my compound own body weight exercises tell my body that its optimum configuration is different. I stress my body, visualize what it's optimum configuration is based on my alternate genetic blueprint, and then apply the witches brew.
JANE GOODALL - Would you like to trade secrets?
to be continued
(the scene continues with Lady Jane Goodall straddling Shreddy's back chimpanzee style hunting for the elusive trophy blackhead)
JANE GOODALL - There Shreddy, I have identified 8 possible hiding spots that should give Melinda Gates and her girlfriends the One Centi Meter Spaghetti Snake Shadow Caster that they have been looking for.
SHREDDY - What is it about blackheads of the trapezoid muscles and the latissimus dorsi that drives women bonkers?
JANE GOODALL - We can't help it Shreddy. We are primates, this is the most hard wired behavior we women have. It is called grooming. Why do you think women look for men that they can change? You know what they say about men having a one track mind.
SHREDDY - That allegedly we are only interested in sex?
JANE GOODALL - Of course. Human females don't have visible estrus. Since men don't know when women are fertile, they always want to have sex so as to ensure that their genes replicate themselves.
SHREDDY - You have just given me an example where chimpanzees evolution is ahead of ours. If female humans were able to display when they were receptive, I would not have thrown half of my life away.
JANE GOODALL - It's your destiny as a man to squander half your life away. Anyhow, what I find fascinating about examining your back is how is it that 15 years ago at age 30 you had a 45 year old body, while today at age 45 you have a 30 year old body One would logically assume that you would have a 60 to 67 year old body today if you progressed naturally.
SHREDDY - Nothing ages an individual faster than lugging surplus weight around. Your body just wears itself out being itself. It's almost as if within our matter we contain a fixed amount of energy and our lifespan is a function of what speed we degenerate this energy store. Losing the first fifty pounds just took me to the level of the average 43 year old North American male. Altering my mind took me from a typical 43 year old North American male and reset my body to that of a typical Hercegovian.
JANE GOODALL - Are you suggesting that mind, intention and belief can reset your endocrine system? You have got to take it easy on the bong.
SHREDDY - Mind, intention and belief can totally reset the endocrine system. I had lived through half my life under the illusion that I was genetically predisposed to being chubby, studious and sedentary. A natural for the accounting profession.
JANE GOODALL - So you had your illusion shattered by finding out your genetic predisposition was to be athletic and youthful. How on earth do you reset your body and change from a 43 year old into a 30 year old in a year and a half? Certainly there is more to it than Club Soda and CLA.
SHREDDY - There certainly is. Most important of all is belief and intention. Believing that your bodies genes contain an alternate blueprint and having the intention to allow your body to re-optimize to the alternate blueprint. 99% of people cannot cross the belief and intention barrier. I saw with my own eyes my Ujko. I knew that mother nature gave me everything he had, plus all the genes from my fathers side. Something in my head snapped. I started to believe that I could have a body like an underwear model when I am in my 70s and that god made me athletic.
JANE GOODALL - So you send your body intentions to correct itself.
SHREDDY - That I do Lady Jane. My grip bar and the rest of my compound own body weight exercises tell my body that its optimum configuration is different. I stress my body, visualize what it's optimum configuration is based on my alternate genetic blueprint, and then apply the witches brew.
JANE GOODALL - Would you like to trade secrets?
to be continued
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Playing God's Apprentice Part 5c - Genetics, an Interview With Jane Goodall
(the scene continues with Professor Jane Goodall continuing to groom Shreddy's back chimpanzee style. She has been unable to find a spectacular trophy blackhead for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, so she has decided to change her search and destroy strategy)
JANE GOODALL - Do you have a grease pen handy? I want to mark this bump but I don't want to use a black Sharpie marker. I get extremely dizzy from the fumes and I would hate to think what the aromatic hydrocarbons within a Sharpie would do to your cell tissue.
SHREDDY - I don't have a grease pen, would nail polish work?
JANE GOODALL - Nail polish should work. I have a different plan for hunting the one centimeter spaghetti snake shadow caster. Instead of hunting him down and destroying him right away, I identify him in his potential hiding place and tag him with nail polish. Then I find all the other potential OCSSSCs, and mark them with nail polish. We keep our friends close and the OCSSSCs even closer. We watch and wait and like the sword of Damocles, we strike when we are certain that they can break the centimeter barrier.
SHREDDY - Do you want me to flex or contract the right trapezius?
JANE GOODALL - Flex it please. It appears that stress is the key to allowing an individual to accelerate the adaption that normally takes place through the bodies own natural replication/renewal process. Stress is so destructive, I have always felt it's not what you eat that kills you but what eats you. But then again my good friend Sir Edmund Hilary wrote the "Joys of Stress" and started the whole stress acceptance movement
SHREDDY - Stress is a double edged sword. It can kill you, but it can also create a genetic point of resonance in the body that can allow a dormant gene to become active, or a precondition for an active gene to become dormant.
JANE GOODALL - How do you go about stressing your system? Living amongst the chimpanzees the only time I ever felt stress was when Frodo was in a bad mood.
SHREDDY - I do own body weight resistance exercises to stress compound muscle groups, and I live with an alcoholic which puts me in an overall generalized anxious state. By having a high degree of agitation within my life I manage to achieve a state characterized by a high degree of physiological plasticity. It may sound weird, but I visualize my body as a grapevine and myself as an arbourist training the vine to an espalier.
JANE GOODALL - Why don't you just simply join a gym, lift some weights and pack on some muscles. I am certain you can control the shaping of your body to a far greater degree and perhaps even find a mate. In case you haven't figured it out yet, the bizarre lifestyle you have been leading of 8:00PM bedtimes on week nights gets in the way of finding a mate.
SHREDDY - Stress is very destructive to the body Lady Jane. One has to ensure that they get adequate sleep. It is only during the rest state that the body can grow. Living with a alcoholic for a short term period is a wonderful way to cause a very high generalized stress level. I have a couple of dietary aids and supplements that I use to achieve a rest state that allow me to trick my body into a neuro-muscular rest state that would be otherwise unattainable.
JANE GOODALL - I am starting to find you quite entertaining, live hard and rest harder. I sure hope you have not been seeing Michael Jackson's anesthesiologist?
SHREDDY - Lady Jane, I have been using natural substances derived from the plant and animal kingdom. Besides I can't afford nightly anesthesia.
JANE GOODALL - Do you have a grease pen handy? I want to mark this bump but I don't want to use a black Sharpie marker. I get extremely dizzy from the fumes and I would hate to think what the aromatic hydrocarbons within a Sharpie would do to your cell tissue.
SHREDDY - I don't have a grease pen, would nail polish work?
JANE GOODALL - Nail polish should work. I have a different plan for hunting the one centimeter spaghetti snake shadow caster. Instead of hunting him down and destroying him right away, I identify him in his potential hiding place and tag him with nail polish. Then I find all the other potential OCSSSCs, and mark them with nail polish. We keep our friends close and the OCSSSCs even closer. We watch and wait and like the sword of Damocles, we strike when we are certain that they can break the centimeter barrier.
SHREDDY - Do you want me to flex or contract the right trapezius?
JANE GOODALL - Flex it please. It appears that stress is the key to allowing an individual to accelerate the adaption that normally takes place through the bodies own natural replication/renewal process. Stress is so destructive, I have always felt it's not what you eat that kills you but what eats you. But then again my good friend Sir Edmund Hilary wrote the "Joys of Stress" and started the whole stress acceptance movement
SHREDDY - Stress is a double edged sword. It can kill you, but it can also create a genetic point of resonance in the body that can allow a dormant gene to become active, or a precondition for an active gene to become dormant.
JANE GOODALL - How do you go about stressing your system? Living amongst the chimpanzees the only time I ever felt stress was when Frodo was in a bad mood.
SHREDDY - I do own body weight resistance exercises to stress compound muscle groups, and I live with an alcoholic which puts me in an overall generalized anxious state. By having a high degree of agitation within my life I manage to achieve a state characterized by a high degree of physiological plasticity. It may sound weird, but I visualize my body as a grapevine and myself as an arbourist training the vine to an espalier.
JANE GOODALL - Why don't you just simply join a gym, lift some weights and pack on some muscles. I am certain you can control the shaping of your body to a far greater degree and perhaps even find a mate. In case you haven't figured it out yet, the bizarre lifestyle you have been leading of 8:00PM bedtimes on week nights gets in the way of finding a mate.
SHREDDY - Stress is very destructive to the body Lady Jane. One has to ensure that they get adequate sleep. It is only during the rest state that the body can grow. Living with a alcoholic for a short term period is a wonderful way to cause a very high generalized stress level. I have a couple of dietary aids and supplements that I use to achieve a rest state that allow me to trick my body into a neuro-muscular rest state that would be otherwise unattainable.
JANE GOODALL - I am starting to find you quite entertaining, live hard and rest harder. I sure hope you have not been seeing Michael Jackson's anesthesiologist?
SHREDDY - Lady Jane, I have been using natural substances derived from the plant and animal kingdom. Besides I can't afford nightly anesthesia.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Playing God's Apprentice Part 5b - Genetics, an Interview With Jane Goodall
(the scene opens with Professor Jane Goodall having successfully squeezed a blackhead out of Shreddy's back that was massive enough to cast its own shadow. Professor Goodall is about to perform the cheer and dance she performs for the Cambridge University men's Heavy Eights)
JANE GOODALL - Darn Shreddy, it cast a shadow but it was only 7.2 millimeters long. Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh Cambridge! The Chimpees have raised another $5 million. I have a problem with people making human to chimpanzee comparisons.
SHREDDY - As do I Lady Jane. Comparing a human to a chimpanzee is generally insulting to the chimpanzee. People have this misconception that we evolved from chimpanzees when in fact we evolved from a common ancestor. Chimpanzees are our cousins and in many ways their brains are far more advanced than ours.
JANE GOODALL - Short term memory is one area where chimpanzees have an innate advantage over human beings. In tests of repeating 15 random alphanumeric digits back in order from a touch-pad, a six year old chimpanzee handily beats a PhD in Mathematics. Swinging from branches their minds conceptualization of space is less abstract but far more detailed manner than we do.
SHREDDY - Is it easier for you to search and destroy if I flex my latissimus dorsi for you?
JANE GOODALL - If you just move your head forward I think I can detect unnaturally symmetrical spots better. Most people would find it quite odd that your initial interest in your own genetics was completely concerned with your X matriarchal line.
SHREDDY - If one is male, it is within your matriarchal line that all the clues for ones own potential genetic train-wrecks lies. Take my own case, male pattern baldness, a recessive gene that is passed on from mother to son. Hiatus Hernia is another recessive gene I inherited from mom. It was when I was discussing my experience with the disorder, and how it spontaneously seemed to reverse itself with my Ujko (bloodline male relative mothers side) that the pepper baiting that E Troupe had performed all came into context.
JANE GOODALL - Your mother's older brother had to have his esophagus reconstructed with a very invasive surgery, and you were being considered for the same operation at the same age that he was when he had his problem. However at that time you experienced a major stress event in your life and that stress was a catalyst for a spontaneous change.
SHREDDY - For no apparent reason I had started eating very slowly and putting obscene amounts of black pepper on anything I could. It was eleven years later while having a discussion with my Ujko that I realized that during my body's natural replenish/replacement process a different gene that I had inherited from my father became active and a gene that was initially active and inherited from my mother became inactive. A dramatic change in my environment gave rise to a inherited hardwired behavior that led to a physiological change manifesting itself as a spontaneous cure of my Hiatus Hernia.
JANE GOODALL - Saved you from having to have your stomach muscles cut and your ribcage sawed open. Your 72 year old uncle has a torso that could sell $200 designer undershirts. Imagine if he hadn't had that invasive surgery, his could have been the oldest torso in the world modeling water.
SHREDDY - Lady Jane, do you miss Professor Leaky?
JANE GOODALL - I don't miss him as much as I miss the male attention. He did a wonderful job of imitating a troglodyte when he was randy. Hold still for a second Shreddy, on your right trapezius is a bump. I sure hope that we can find a spaghetti shadow caster that is more than a centimeter long, just think if we can buy Rhodesia and turn it into a chimpanzee preserve.
SHREDDY - Have you considered suggesting Rwanda as an alternate country for Melinda Gates to purchase for the Chimpees? It has more unspoiled chimpanzee habitat.
JANE GOODALL - At one time Rhodesia was the breadbasket of Sub-Saharan Africa. It was all nice tidy farms like in England. Then they became Zimbabwe, and everything went downhill from there. The country is available to purchase for a fire-sale price. To buy Rwanda we would have to get Oprah on board and the next thing you know Dr. Phil will be giving the chimpanzees self esteem issues.
to be continued
JANE GOODALL - Darn Shreddy, it cast a shadow but it was only 7.2 millimeters long. Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh Cambridge! The Chimpees have raised another $5 million. I have a problem with people making human to chimpanzee comparisons.
SHREDDY - As do I Lady Jane. Comparing a human to a chimpanzee is generally insulting to the chimpanzee. People have this misconception that we evolved from chimpanzees when in fact we evolved from a common ancestor. Chimpanzees are our cousins and in many ways their brains are far more advanced than ours.
JANE GOODALL - Short term memory is one area where chimpanzees have an innate advantage over human beings. In tests of repeating 15 random alphanumeric digits back in order from a touch-pad, a six year old chimpanzee handily beats a PhD in Mathematics. Swinging from branches their minds conceptualization of space is less abstract but far more detailed manner than we do.
SHREDDY - Is it easier for you to search and destroy if I flex my latissimus dorsi for you?
JANE GOODALL - If you just move your head forward I think I can detect unnaturally symmetrical spots better. Most people would find it quite odd that your initial interest in your own genetics was completely concerned with your X matriarchal line.
SHREDDY - If one is male, it is within your matriarchal line that all the clues for ones own potential genetic train-wrecks lies. Take my own case, male pattern baldness, a recessive gene that is passed on from mother to son. Hiatus Hernia is another recessive gene I inherited from mom. It was when I was discussing my experience with the disorder, and how it spontaneously seemed to reverse itself with my Ujko (bloodline male relative mothers side) that the pepper baiting that E Troupe had performed all came into context.
JANE GOODALL - Your mother's older brother had to have his esophagus reconstructed with a very invasive surgery, and you were being considered for the same operation at the same age that he was when he had his problem. However at that time you experienced a major stress event in your life and that stress was a catalyst for a spontaneous change.
SHREDDY - For no apparent reason I had started eating very slowly and putting obscene amounts of black pepper on anything I could. It was eleven years later while having a discussion with my Ujko that I realized that during my body's natural replenish/replacement process a different gene that I had inherited from my father became active and a gene that was initially active and inherited from my mother became inactive. A dramatic change in my environment gave rise to a inherited hardwired behavior that led to a physiological change manifesting itself as a spontaneous cure of my Hiatus Hernia.
JANE GOODALL - Saved you from having to have your stomach muscles cut and your ribcage sawed open. Your 72 year old uncle has a torso that could sell $200 designer undershirts. Imagine if he hadn't had that invasive surgery, his could have been the oldest torso in the world modeling water.
SHREDDY - Lady Jane, do you miss Professor Leaky?
JANE GOODALL - I don't miss him as much as I miss the male attention. He did a wonderful job of imitating a troglodyte when he was randy. Hold still for a second Shreddy, on your right trapezius is a bump. I sure hope that we can find a spaghetti shadow caster that is more than a centimeter long, just think if we can buy Rhodesia and turn it into a chimpanzee preserve.
SHREDDY - Have you considered suggesting Rwanda as an alternate country for Melinda Gates to purchase for the Chimpees? It has more unspoiled chimpanzee habitat.
JANE GOODALL - At one time Rhodesia was the breadbasket of Sub-Saharan Africa. It was all nice tidy farms like in England. Then they became Zimbabwe, and everything went downhill from there. The country is available to purchase for a fire-sale price. To buy Rwanda we would have to get Oprah on board and the next thing you know Dr. Phil will be giving the chimpanzees self esteem issues.
to be continued
Friday, January 29, 2010
Playing God's Apprentice Part 5a - Genetics, an Interview With Jane Goodall
(the scene opens with Bogdan the master of disguise for the Pink Panthers, the worlds greatest jewel thieves walking into Shreddy's study. Much to his shock he finds Shreddy lying face down on the floor shirtless wearing only gi pants, with Professor Jane Goodall straddling his naked back)
BOGDAN - Shreddy, what on earth are you doing with your shirt off? Lady Jane, what in God's name are you doing straddling Shreddy's naked back? Have you two both lost your minds?
SHREDDY - We are both very sane right now. We are doing this to raise funds for the Jane Goodall Institute. We were getting tired of waiting for the Panthers to hit the European Central Bank.
JANE GOODALL - See that webcam over there Bogdan? Melinda Gates and a couple of her girlfriends are watching on the other end. They are watching me groom Shreddy. For every blackhead I find on his back, $1million gets donated to the Jane Goodall Institute.
SHREDDY - If the blackhead is big enough to cast its own shadow, and Lady Jane does the dance she does every time Cambridge beats Oxford.
JANE GOODALL - $5 million gets donated to the Jane Goodall Institute.
BOGDAN - I hope you two haven't mated. I know a nice Serbian girl for you Shreddy. She is my niece Jovanka. She is so strong that she can pull an Ursus tractor out of the mud holding the chain in her teeth.
JANE GOODALL - Shreddy and I have not mated. This is strictly platonic. I let him look in my eyes, and he realized that there is one thing in the world he wants more than me.
BOGDAN - The Hope Diamond?
SHREDDY - I want a biological child
JANE GOODALL - I am turning 76, and I can't give Shreddy a baby. What about that statuesque Czech lady you had lunch with yesterday? She can do chin ups, and she is of White Slav genetic stock, plus she is 24 years old.
SHREDDY - Really nice girl, however she can't answer the most important question of all. What number can you count to on one hand.
JANE GOODALL - She said 5 didn't she.
SHREDDY - Yes
JANE GOODALL - Just hold still for a second Shreddy my eyesight is not what it used to be. This might hurt,,, a shadow caster, a shadow caster, OoH, OoH, OoH, OoH the Chimpees made $5 million dollars. Good work Shreddy. Now it's time for you to explain the role of Strinas (aunts father's side not related by blood in E Troupe)
SHREDDY - In E troupe, the Strinas play the role of Lady Jane. Since they are not of E troupe blood, they have a degree of objectivity while observing E Troupe that no other people have.
JANE GOODALL - They provide a reference point for deciphering your own genetic code. Since they are not blood relatives, when you see your cousins who are their offspring, and you see your Strina's physical traits in your cousin.
SHREDDY - I can reasonably conclude that in all likelihood those traits are not part of my genetic map. When I meet my cousins, cousins who are related through them on their mothers side I get further corroboration that these traits are not part of the genetic set I am gifted/cursed with.
JANE GOODALL - From what you are telling me figuring out your genetic code has as high a degree of elimination involved as observation.
SHREDDY - Precisely. There are certain mutations that exist in my genetic set that I am able to conclude that I have by observing those traits in my cousins and further corroborating my observation by observing the lack of the same traits in their cousins who are not related to me.
JANE GOODALL - Can you elaborate the Lady Jane role that Strinas play in E Troupe?
SHREDDY - They are the sages of the Troupe. They like to get together and discuss their pet theories on every time a blood member of E troupe dies. Either what made them live so long, or what was the cause of their early demise.
JANE GOODALL - What discoveries did your Strina make about you and the rest of E Troupe?
SHREDDY - She discovered that eating whole grains kills us young. Sounds counter intuitive, however her observational methodology was so thorough that I have been following her advice since she explained to me the whole grain death mechanism.
JANE GOODALL - She discovered a couple of things about you that changed your life.
SHREDDY - That she did. She figured out that the anti-depressant Zoloft was not doing me any good. When I lost my cousin to a landmine during the war in Croatia, I fell into a deep depression that lasted over 16 years. My weight ballooned from 170 pounds to 250 pounds. I started watching what I ate and I was down to 200 pounds when I was visiting Tinj. She felt that I should give going off of Zoloft a try and that somehow it did not work with my body chemistry.
JANE GOODALL - She made an even more startling discovery about you Shreddy.
SHREDDY - That Marijuana was good for me. My cousin that was killed by the landmine used to tell my aunt about my hobby as a child/young teen. Building bombs and blowing things up. She noticed that as I remained in Croatia, I was getting more diabolical by the minute, and she linked my diabolical behavior to the absence of marijuana. She realized that I had ADHD, and that when I felt someone or something stood in the way of my inner peace. I wanted to deal with that person or thing in a manner I felt appropriate.
JANE GOODALL - She noticed that your Great-Great-Grandfather's attitude was hard wired. She had figured out that the marijuana calmed you and helped you focus your energies on productive purposes other than dealing appropriately with individuals who are enemies of the human race.
SHREDDY - What I found most interesting was how my Troupe was observing me. Specifically they liked to watch me walk, and they used bait to see my reactions around the bait. Some would say using bait destroys the objectivity of your observations.
JANE GOODALL - They were testing their own hypotheses about you. They wanted to watch you eat, they fed you chicken soup and they did not put the pepper shaker on the table.
SHREDDY- I asked immediately for the pepper shaker prior to even tasting the food. However they did not treat this as an insult as my grandfather whom I had never met had exactly the same behavior. My father didn't exhibit the same behavior and the knew that this trait of mine was genetically hardwired. they also got their thrills out of watching me eat.
JANE GOODALL - I hope you didn't gulp your food like you did in your undergraduate days.
SHREDDY - No, I ate at a glacially slow pace. I figured about 25% of the speed of the rest of my family. Again they knew this behavior was hard wired from grandpa.
JANE GOODALL - To think that your family playing baiting games with pepper resulted in this fine back that I am grooming now.
SHREDDY - Hard to believe, but E Troupes pepper observations gave me the first hints at what degree we are able to control our own genetic codes. I was getting ready to visit B Troupe in Herzegovina, and my world as I knew it was about to be torn to pieces.
JANE GOODALL - You saw your Ujko.
SHREDDY - Yes. I saw my Ujko, and I also saw myself. here was the most physically perfect specimen of a man in his 70s I had ever seen in my life. He was far more similar to me than either of my parents and I was more similar to him than any of his children. He had the body of the Greek God Adonis, and I looked like the Pillsbury Boy.
JANE GOODALL - Hold still Shreddy. I see a shadow casting spaghetti snake. If this one can achieve a height over 1 centimeter, Melinda Gates will buy us Rhodesia.
To be continued.
BOGDAN - Shreddy, what on earth are you doing with your shirt off? Lady Jane, what in God's name are you doing straddling Shreddy's naked back? Have you two both lost your minds?
SHREDDY - We are both very sane right now. We are doing this to raise funds for the Jane Goodall Institute. We were getting tired of waiting for the Panthers to hit the European Central Bank.
JANE GOODALL - See that webcam over there Bogdan? Melinda Gates and a couple of her girlfriends are watching on the other end. They are watching me groom Shreddy. For every blackhead I find on his back, $1million gets donated to the Jane Goodall Institute.
SHREDDY - If the blackhead is big enough to cast its own shadow, and Lady Jane does the dance she does every time Cambridge beats Oxford.
JANE GOODALL - $5 million gets donated to the Jane Goodall Institute.
BOGDAN - I hope you two haven't mated. I know a nice Serbian girl for you Shreddy. She is my niece Jovanka. She is so strong that she can pull an Ursus tractor out of the mud holding the chain in her teeth.
JANE GOODALL - Shreddy and I have not mated. This is strictly platonic. I let him look in my eyes, and he realized that there is one thing in the world he wants more than me.
BOGDAN - The Hope Diamond?
SHREDDY - I want a biological child
JANE GOODALL - I am turning 76, and I can't give Shreddy a baby. What about that statuesque Czech lady you had lunch with yesterday? She can do chin ups, and she is of White Slav genetic stock, plus she is 24 years old.
SHREDDY - Really nice girl, however she can't answer the most important question of all. What number can you count to on one hand.
JANE GOODALL - She said 5 didn't she.
SHREDDY - Yes
JANE GOODALL - Just hold still for a second Shreddy my eyesight is not what it used to be. This might hurt,,, a shadow caster, a shadow caster, OoH, OoH, OoH, OoH the Chimpees made $5 million dollars. Good work Shreddy. Now it's time for you to explain the role of Strinas (aunts father's side not related by blood in E Troupe)
SHREDDY - In E troupe, the Strinas play the role of Lady Jane. Since they are not of E troupe blood, they have a degree of objectivity while observing E Troupe that no other people have.
JANE GOODALL - They provide a reference point for deciphering your own genetic code. Since they are not blood relatives, when you see your cousins who are their offspring, and you see your Strina's physical traits in your cousin.
SHREDDY - I can reasonably conclude that in all likelihood those traits are not part of my genetic map. When I meet my cousins, cousins who are related through them on their mothers side I get further corroboration that these traits are not part of the genetic set I am gifted/cursed with.
JANE GOODALL - From what you are telling me figuring out your genetic code has as high a degree of elimination involved as observation.
SHREDDY - Precisely. There are certain mutations that exist in my genetic set that I am able to conclude that I have by observing those traits in my cousins and further corroborating my observation by observing the lack of the same traits in their cousins who are not related to me.
JANE GOODALL - Can you elaborate the Lady Jane role that Strinas play in E Troupe?
SHREDDY - They are the sages of the Troupe. They like to get together and discuss their pet theories on every time a blood member of E troupe dies. Either what made them live so long, or what was the cause of their early demise.
JANE GOODALL - What discoveries did your Strina make about you and the rest of E Troupe?
SHREDDY - She discovered that eating whole grains kills us young. Sounds counter intuitive, however her observational methodology was so thorough that I have been following her advice since she explained to me the whole grain death mechanism.
JANE GOODALL - She discovered a couple of things about you that changed your life.
SHREDDY - That she did. She figured out that the anti-depressant Zoloft was not doing me any good. When I lost my cousin to a landmine during the war in Croatia, I fell into a deep depression that lasted over 16 years. My weight ballooned from 170 pounds to 250 pounds. I started watching what I ate and I was down to 200 pounds when I was visiting Tinj. She felt that I should give going off of Zoloft a try and that somehow it did not work with my body chemistry.
JANE GOODALL - She made an even more startling discovery about you Shreddy.
SHREDDY - That Marijuana was good for me. My cousin that was killed by the landmine used to tell my aunt about my hobby as a child/young teen. Building bombs and blowing things up. She noticed that as I remained in Croatia, I was getting more diabolical by the minute, and she linked my diabolical behavior to the absence of marijuana. She realized that I had ADHD, and that when I felt someone or something stood in the way of my inner peace. I wanted to deal with that person or thing in a manner I felt appropriate.
JANE GOODALL - She noticed that your Great-Great-Grandfather's attitude was hard wired. She had figured out that the marijuana calmed you and helped you focus your energies on productive purposes other than dealing appropriately with individuals who are enemies of the human race.
SHREDDY - What I found most interesting was how my Troupe was observing me. Specifically they liked to watch me walk, and they used bait to see my reactions around the bait. Some would say using bait destroys the objectivity of your observations.
JANE GOODALL - They were testing their own hypotheses about you. They wanted to watch you eat, they fed you chicken soup and they did not put the pepper shaker on the table.
SHREDDY- I asked immediately for the pepper shaker prior to even tasting the food. However they did not treat this as an insult as my grandfather whom I had never met had exactly the same behavior. My father didn't exhibit the same behavior and the knew that this trait of mine was genetically hardwired. they also got their thrills out of watching me eat.
JANE GOODALL - I hope you didn't gulp your food like you did in your undergraduate days.
SHREDDY - No, I ate at a glacially slow pace. I figured about 25% of the speed of the rest of my family. Again they knew this behavior was hard wired from grandpa.
JANE GOODALL - To think that your family playing baiting games with pepper resulted in this fine back that I am grooming now.
SHREDDY - Hard to believe, but E Troupes pepper observations gave me the first hints at what degree we are able to control our own genetic codes. I was getting ready to visit B Troupe in Herzegovina, and my world as I knew it was about to be torn to pieces.
JANE GOODALL - You saw your Ujko.
SHREDDY - Yes. I saw my Ujko, and I also saw myself. here was the most physically perfect specimen of a man in his 70s I had ever seen in my life. He was far more similar to me than either of my parents and I was more similar to him than any of his children. He had the body of the Greek God Adonis, and I looked like the Pillsbury Boy.
JANE GOODALL - Hold still Shreddy. I see a shadow casting spaghetti snake. If this one can achieve a height over 1 centimeter, Melinda Gates will buy us Rhodesia.
To be continued.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Playing God's Apprentice Part 5 - Genetics, an Interview With Jane Goodall
(the scene opens with our Heretic Shreddy in his study starting his morning with the British Columbia Breakfast of Champions, a bong hit. While coughing his head off on Pink Kush, Bogdan the master of disguise for the Pink Panthers gang of jewell thieves walks in dressed as Professor Jane Goodall)
SHREDDY - Good morning Bogdan, how are you doing this morning?
BOGDAN - Good morning Shreddy. You should put your bong away, besides who is Bogdan?
SHREDDY - I know it's you Bogdan, you should know by now that my bong sharpens my senses and helps me focus.
BOGDAN - I smell Kush. I haven't smelled kush since my Cambridge days, and some Indian students had it in their dorms. It made them dance uncontrollably. It's obvious to me that you are too wasted to recognize me, I am Valerie Jane Morris Goodall.
SHREDDY - Good job Bogdan, next you are going to tell me you were born on.
BOGDAN - April 3, 1934
SHREDDY - The name of the Chimpanzee that attacked you?
BOGDANn - Frodo. I can show you the scar over my right clavicle bone. See..
SHREDDY - Good try Bogdan. You even got the orientation of the scar perfect. However your eyes give you away. To be able to see ones own reflection in Jane Goodall's eyes is the most magical feeling a primate could ever experience, and your eyes gave you away.
BOGDAN - You must admit that we Panthers have a knack for make up.
SHREDDY - You guys are the best. I have a lot of respect for your accomplishments. However if you guys pull off a robbery dressed as Jane Goodall, I will be very angry with you.
BOGDAN - How angry would you get Shreddy?
SHREDDY - So angry that I would hunt down your gang, catch the parties who were dressed as Lady Jane, and hold them captive until they have completed reading all the books written by Franjo Tudman.
BOGDAN - That would be a fate worse than death. It is even drier reading than Mein Kampf. That would be enough to drive any thinking human being insane.
SHREDDY - You guys can pull off a robbery dressed as anyone with the sole exception being Lady Jane Goodall. Personally I liked your idea of robbing the European Central Bank dressed as Jadranka Kosor. The guards take one look at her hair, then they will be so busy shielding their eyes from Medusa's gaze that you guys would not have to use any violence at all to pull of the heist.
BOGDAN - Just to let you know Shreddy we were testing you. We Pink Panthers hold one human in such high regard that she is untouchable, Lady Jane Goodall. You know that we have been collecting all the loot that we have liberated from the bourgeoisie pigs, and our ultimate plan is to use all the money to buy an African country that we can ethnically cleanse, and create a sanctuary for the Chimpanzees. Someplace that they never have to worry about savages killing them for "bush-meat"
SHREDDY - If what you are telling me is true, I want to join the Pink Panthers.
BOGDAN - We are still unsure what we will do with a billions of Euros worth of diamonds. We will either buy an African country for the Chimpanzees, or we will get payback against some ignoramus who has desecrated a great work of art. Anyhow, I have brought someone over in the Panther Sack to help explain how you managed to get some idea of your own genetic code. I take great pleasure in bringing you Valerie Jane Morris Goodall
JANE GOODALL - Hello Shreddy.
SHREDDY - I am not worthy of meeting you Lady Jane. Thank you for coming to help me. Why are you wearing sunglasses?
JANE GOODALL - The Pink Panthers told me how highly you think of me. I am very aware that if you saw your reflection in my eyes, you would kidnap me and throw me into your bridal sack. If you got back to Tinj with me, even the Pink Panthers could not rescue me.
SHREDDY - What can I say other than you are the "Sexiest Woman Alive", Prrrrrrrr
JANE GOODALL - Thank you. I was made aware that you had the shock of your life when you visited Herzegovina and Croatia during the summer of 2008. What struck you as the most shocking?
SHREDDY - I noticed that my family in Herzegovina and Croatia had only a very slight resemblance to my parents and my siblings. That my father and mother looked very little like their brothers and sisters. That I and my five brothers looked more like certain respective aunts and uncles than we did like our parents.
JANE GOODALL - Do you have an explanation for your observation of why your parents and siblings are so different from the rest of your extended family?
SHREDDY - My parents, my siblings and myself would represent an isolated population that was separated from the main troupe of our extended families. We have the same genetic code however we grew up in a different environment. We ate different food, we interacted with our surroundings differently, and the confluence of these factors made my brothers and I different from the rest of our family.
JANE GOODALL - How did E Troupe react when they saw you?
SHREDDY - They were as amazed as I was. I had a very vague resemblance to them. I had my grandfather's hands, the gap between my top two incisor teeth from my great-great-grandmother, and eyebrows that if left un-groomed would make me look like Hellboy.
JANE GOODALL - What about your mother's troupe in Herzegovina? What was B Troupes reaction when they saw you?
SHREDDY - They were just as amazed as E Troupe was. My resemblance to B Troupe was very strong except they were all fit and athletic, and I was the 200 pound fat guy.
JANE GOODALL - You had not met any of these individuals until you were 43 years old. Having five brothers who are full genetic siblings should have given you an idea of what your own inherent genetic factors were. You had only met your father's older sister prior to your trip. You are aware that genetically you are as close to a true first cousin, or true aunt/uncle as you are singularly as close to either of your own parents.
SHREDDY - Of course I was aware of that. I had done a lot of research on Human genetics and I had my Y Chromazone subjected to the highest resolution scan possible. According to your Alma Mater, my Y Chromazone is the closest match to what they modeled as the father of the Illyrian tribes, I2a Dinaric, a fellow that lived in Bosnia 1,170 generations ago give or take 100 generations ago. The second I saw the Dinaric Alps, I felt a sense that I have never felt before. I said to hell with the instructions I got in Croatia on how to get to West Herzegovina, I trusted my instincts as some force drew me to a spot in Bosnia & Herzegovina, my true ancestral home.
JANE GOODALL - You made it to your mother's village a full 5 hours sooner than had you relied on the directions from the tourist bureau in Split.
SHREDDY - When have you ever heard of a Herzegovinian taking directions from a Croat?
JANE GOODALL - Other than when Tito was in power, that would be akin to a Bonabo asking a Troglodyte for sex pointers. What you had experienced Shreddy was hard wiring in action. Your ancestors lived in Bosnia & Herzegovina for 23,000 years, that land is you and you are that land. You had your entire world as you knew it shattered that afternoon. What happened?
SHREDDY - I met my mother's older brother for the first time in my life. The second I looked in his eyes I realized that I had been living in an illusion for 43 years.
JANE GOODALL - 43 years is a long time to be living within an illusion. That is almost as long as I spent living with the Chimpanzees.
SHREDDY - You know Lady Jane, I am in search of a mate. I could not think of a primate I would rather have grooming my back than you.
BOGDAN - Shreddy you insidious sneak. Anything to get Lady Jane's sunglasses off. I have been trying to get her to take off her sunglasses for 30 years.
JANE GOODALL - This is starting to get interesting. A Herzegovian and a Serb are both interested in me. I haven't felt this way since professor Leaky was chasing me around the forest doing a Troglodyte mating dance.
SHREDDY - If you become my grooming primate Lady Jane? Why the #@%^ did you throw Lady Jane back into the Panther Sack? Bogdan I really enjoy this woman's company.
BOGDAN - You know just what to say to a woman. We brought Lady Jane over to help you explain to the readers how to decipher their own genetics and behavior. You cannot get her to climb into your bridal sack and take her back to Tinj.
SHREDDY - But she would get along so well with my Strinas.
To be continued
SHREDDY - Good morning Bogdan, how are you doing this morning?
BOGDAN - Good morning Shreddy. You should put your bong away, besides who is Bogdan?
SHREDDY - I know it's you Bogdan, you should know by now that my bong sharpens my senses and helps me focus.
BOGDAN - I smell Kush. I haven't smelled kush since my Cambridge days, and some Indian students had it in their dorms. It made them dance uncontrollably. It's obvious to me that you are too wasted to recognize me, I am Valerie Jane Morris Goodall.
SHREDDY - Good job Bogdan, next you are going to tell me you were born on.
BOGDAN - April 3, 1934
SHREDDY - The name of the Chimpanzee that attacked you?
BOGDANn - Frodo. I can show you the scar over my right clavicle bone. See..
SHREDDY - Good try Bogdan. You even got the orientation of the scar perfect. However your eyes give you away. To be able to see ones own reflection in Jane Goodall's eyes is the most magical feeling a primate could ever experience, and your eyes gave you away.
BOGDAN - You must admit that we Panthers have a knack for make up.
SHREDDY - You guys are the best. I have a lot of respect for your accomplishments. However if you guys pull off a robbery dressed as Jane Goodall, I will be very angry with you.
BOGDAN - How angry would you get Shreddy?
SHREDDY - So angry that I would hunt down your gang, catch the parties who were dressed as Lady Jane, and hold them captive until they have completed reading all the books written by Franjo Tudman.
BOGDAN - That would be a fate worse than death. It is even drier reading than Mein Kampf. That would be enough to drive any thinking human being insane.
SHREDDY - You guys can pull off a robbery dressed as anyone with the sole exception being Lady Jane Goodall. Personally I liked your idea of robbing the European Central Bank dressed as Jadranka Kosor. The guards take one look at her hair, then they will be so busy shielding their eyes from Medusa's gaze that you guys would not have to use any violence at all to pull of the heist.
BOGDAN - Just to let you know Shreddy we were testing you. We Pink Panthers hold one human in such high regard that she is untouchable, Lady Jane Goodall. You know that we have been collecting all the loot that we have liberated from the bourgeoisie pigs, and our ultimate plan is to use all the money to buy an African country that we can ethnically cleanse, and create a sanctuary for the Chimpanzees. Someplace that they never have to worry about savages killing them for "bush-meat"
SHREDDY - If what you are telling me is true, I want to join the Pink Panthers.
BOGDAN - We are still unsure what we will do with a billions of Euros worth of diamonds. We will either buy an African country for the Chimpanzees, or we will get payback against some ignoramus who has desecrated a great work of art. Anyhow, I have brought someone over in the Panther Sack to help explain how you managed to get some idea of your own genetic code. I take great pleasure in bringing you Valerie Jane Morris Goodall
JANE GOODALL - Hello Shreddy.
SHREDDY - I am not worthy of meeting you Lady Jane. Thank you for coming to help me. Why are you wearing sunglasses?
JANE GOODALL - The Pink Panthers told me how highly you think of me. I am very aware that if you saw your reflection in my eyes, you would kidnap me and throw me into your bridal sack. If you got back to Tinj with me, even the Pink Panthers could not rescue me.
SHREDDY - What can I say other than you are the "Sexiest Woman Alive", Prrrrrrrr
JANE GOODALL - Thank you. I was made aware that you had the shock of your life when you visited Herzegovina and Croatia during the summer of 2008. What struck you as the most shocking?
SHREDDY - I noticed that my family in Herzegovina and Croatia had only a very slight resemblance to my parents and my siblings. That my father and mother looked very little like their brothers and sisters. That I and my five brothers looked more like certain respective aunts and uncles than we did like our parents.
JANE GOODALL - Do you have an explanation for your observation of why your parents and siblings are so different from the rest of your extended family?
SHREDDY - My parents, my siblings and myself would represent an isolated population that was separated from the main troupe of our extended families. We have the same genetic code however we grew up in a different environment. We ate different food, we interacted with our surroundings differently, and the confluence of these factors made my brothers and I different from the rest of our family.
JANE GOODALL - How did E Troupe react when they saw you?
SHREDDY - They were as amazed as I was. I had a very vague resemblance to them. I had my grandfather's hands, the gap between my top two incisor teeth from my great-great-grandmother, and eyebrows that if left un-groomed would make me look like Hellboy.
JANE GOODALL - What about your mother's troupe in Herzegovina? What was B Troupes reaction when they saw you?
SHREDDY - They were just as amazed as E Troupe was. My resemblance to B Troupe was very strong except they were all fit and athletic, and I was the 200 pound fat guy.
JANE GOODALL - You had not met any of these individuals until you were 43 years old. Having five brothers who are full genetic siblings should have given you an idea of what your own inherent genetic factors were. You had only met your father's older sister prior to your trip. You are aware that genetically you are as close to a true first cousin, or true aunt/uncle as you are singularly as close to either of your own parents.
SHREDDY - Of course I was aware of that. I had done a lot of research on Human genetics and I had my Y Chromazone subjected to the highest resolution scan possible. According to your Alma Mater, my Y Chromazone is the closest match to what they modeled as the father of the Illyrian tribes, I2a Dinaric, a fellow that lived in Bosnia 1,170 generations ago give or take 100 generations ago. The second I saw the Dinaric Alps, I felt a sense that I have never felt before. I said to hell with the instructions I got in Croatia on how to get to West Herzegovina, I trusted my instincts as some force drew me to a spot in Bosnia & Herzegovina, my true ancestral home.
JANE GOODALL - You made it to your mother's village a full 5 hours sooner than had you relied on the directions from the tourist bureau in Split.
SHREDDY - When have you ever heard of a Herzegovinian taking directions from a Croat?
JANE GOODALL - Other than when Tito was in power, that would be akin to a Bonabo asking a Troglodyte for sex pointers. What you had experienced Shreddy was hard wiring in action. Your ancestors lived in Bosnia & Herzegovina for 23,000 years, that land is you and you are that land. You had your entire world as you knew it shattered that afternoon. What happened?
SHREDDY - I met my mother's older brother for the first time in my life. The second I looked in his eyes I realized that I had been living in an illusion for 43 years.
JANE GOODALL - 43 years is a long time to be living within an illusion. That is almost as long as I spent living with the Chimpanzees.
SHREDDY - You know Lady Jane, I am in search of a mate. I could not think of a primate I would rather have grooming my back than you.
BOGDAN - Shreddy you insidious sneak. Anything to get Lady Jane's sunglasses off. I have been trying to get her to take off her sunglasses for 30 years.
JANE GOODALL - This is starting to get interesting. A Herzegovian and a Serb are both interested in me. I haven't felt this way since professor Leaky was chasing me around the forest doing a Troglodyte mating dance.
SHREDDY - If you become my grooming primate Lady Jane? Why the #@%^ did you throw Lady Jane back into the Panther Sack? Bogdan I really enjoy this woman's company.
BOGDAN - You know just what to say to a woman. We brought Lady Jane over to help you explain to the readers how to decipher their own genetics and behavior. You cannot get her to climb into your bridal sack and take her back to Tinj.
SHREDDY - But she would get along so well with my Strinas.
To be continued
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Playing God's Apprentice Part 3b/4a - Diet/Environment Creating a 200 Pound Fat Guy
By now you should have figured out this piece is comprised of two parts. My journey from the 250 pound fat guy to the 200 pound fat guy which I have successfully completed. Then my journey from the 200 pound fat guy to the attainment of my inherent peak genetic potential, which is a work in process.
Dietary change comprised of two parts. The change in diet that made me lose 175,000 stored calories, and the change in diet that made me lose 105,000 stored calories and reconfigure my inherent physiology.
Going from a 250 pound fat guy to a 200 pound fat guy was a journey that was average daily metabolic rate minus 137 calories a day. To assist me in this journey I had help from two friends:
1> Club Soda
The all purpose inert beverage filler that helps mitigate the damage caused by fruit juice. Club soda has ZERO calories. Since 1970, the Average North American diet has added surplus calories and over 50% of the added calories that have been added are net beverage based calories. Back in 1970, people drank more milk than today, and the milk they drank was 3.25% to 3.5% butter fat whole milk at approximately 160 calories per 8 fluid ounce glass. Today very few people drink whole milk, and instead they drink 2% at 125 calories per 8 fluid ounce glass. Or 1% milk at 100 calories per 8 fluid ounce glass. Skim milk at 80 calories per 8 fluid ounce glass. Or finally if one is fashionably lactose intolerant, no milk.
Where do the surplus beverage calories come from? If the person is a slob, the calories come from sweetened soft drinks. If the person pretends to be health concious, the calories come from fruit juices and athletic drinks. In both cases, watering down your soda pop, fruit juice or athletic drink 50% with club soda should be sufficient to stabilize your weight.
2> CLA (Conjugated Linoleic Acid)
This is an essential fatty acid that humans used to have more of in their diet in the past than they have in their present diet. It came to us in our meat and dairy products through the rumination process. An animal ate a cellulose based food such as grass. Bacteria in the animals multiple stomachs ruminated the cellulose. The animals digestive system turned the ruminated cellulose into protein. We ate/drank the ruminating animals milk, blood or meat and we as humans got CLA in our diet.
Today things are different. The animals that we drink the milk of and eat the meat of have diets that are different from the diets they ate 40 years ago. In the past, cows ate grass. Today's cow's have a different diet than their ancestors did, they eat whole grains. End result eating the products created from today's cows gives us far less CLA in our diets than we got in the past.
CLA appears to operate by telling our brains that our stomachs are full. When I weighed 250 pounds I started taking CLA (3 grams per day, 27 additional calories), and I started watering down my fruit juices 50% with club soda. Three and a half years later with no conscious effort I had changed from the 250 pound fat man to the 200 pound fat man.
Environment & Exercise
Other than going for the odd walk here and there, I did not exercise to transform from the 250 pound fat man to the 200 pound fat man. I did it for a reason, my physician had told me that if I took up jogging at my impressive girth, I would have destroyed my knees, ankles and hips. No impact exercise until I hit 200 pounds, Doctor's orders.
There is only one way to lose weight and it is to have your body metabolize more energy than you make available for your body. This metabolism deficit can be accomplished by either; exercising more while keeping food intake constant; decreasing food intake while keeping exercise constant; or finally playing God with your own metabolic process (Atkins diet, South Beach Diet, etc).
There I am 18 months ago. The 200 pound fat guy thanks to a little help from my friends, Club Soda and CLA. I was no better than the 250 pound fat guy. I had gained the ability to sit comfortably in an economy class airline seat. I had lost the ability to live for four months off of only water and a multi-vitamin a day. I was nowhere near the ability to do a pull up.
I was ready to visit Herzegovina and Croatia for the first time ever. I was in for the shock of my life. The world as a knew it was going to be torn to pieces over the next few weeks, and I am still in the process of trying to put together my altered perceptions.
Me during November of 2000, weight 250+ pounds.
Dietary change comprised of two parts. The change in diet that made me lose 175,000 stored calories, and the change in diet that made me lose 105,000 stored calories and reconfigure my inherent physiology.
Going from a 250 pound fat guy to a 200 pound fat guy was a journey that was average daily metabolic rate minus 137 calories a day. To assist me in this journey I had help from two friends:
1> Club Soda
The all purpose inert beverage filler that helps mitigate the damage caused by fruit juice. Club soda has ZERO calories. Since 1970, the Average North American diet has added surplus calories and over 50% of the added calories that have been added are net beverage based calories. Back in 1970, people drank more milk than today, and the milk they drank was 3.25% to 3.5% butter fat whole milk at approximately 160 calories per 8 fluid ounce glass. Today very few people drink whole milk, and instead they drink 2% at 125 calories per 8 fluid ounce glass. Or 1% milk at 100 calories per 8 fluid ounce glass. Skim milk at 80 calories per 8 fluid ounce glass. Or finally if one is fashionably lactose intolerant, no milk.
Where do the surplus beverage calories come from? If the person is a slob, the calories come from sweetened soft drinks. If the person pretends to be health concious, the calories come from fruit juices and athletic drinks. In both cases, watering down your soda pop, fruit juice or athletic drink 50% with club soda should be sufficient to stabilize your weight.
2> CLA (Conjugated Linoleic Acid)
This is an essential fatty acid that humans used to have more of in their diet in the past than they have in their present diet. It came to us in our meat and dairy products through the rumination process. An animal ate a cellulose based food such as grass. Bacteria in the animals multiple stomachs ruminated the cellulose. The animals digestive system turned the ruminated cellulose into protein. We ate/drank the ruminating animals milk, blood or meat and we as humans got CLA in our diet.
Today things are different. The animals that we drink the milk of and eat the meat of have diets that are different from the diets they ate 40 years ago. In the past, cows ate grass. Today's cow's have a different diet than their ancestors did, they eat whole grains. End result eating the products created from today's cows gives us far less CLA in our diets than we got in the past.
CLA appears to operate by telling our brains that our stomachs are full. When I weighed 250 pounds I started taking CLA (3 grams per day, 27 additional calories), and I started watering down my fruit juices 50% with club soda. Three and a half years later with no conscious effort I had changed from the 250 pound fat man to the 200 pound fat man.
Environment & Exercise
Other than going for the odd walk here and there, I did not exercise to transform from the 250 pound fat man to the 200 pound fat man. I did it for a reason, my physician had told me that if I took up jogging at my impressive girth, I would have destroyed my knees, ankles and hips. No impact exercise until I hit 200 pounds, Doctor's orders.
There is only one way to lose weight and it is to have your body metabolize more energy than you make available for your body. This metabolism deficit can be accomplished by either; exercising more while keeping food intake constant; decreasing food intake while keeping exercise constant; or finally playing God with your own metabolic process (Atkins diet, South Beach Diet, etc).
There I am 18 months ago. The 200 pound fat guy thanks to a little help from my friends, Club Soda and CLA. I was no better than the 250 pound fat guy. I had gained the ability to sit comfortably in an economy class airline seat. I had lost the ability to live for four months off of only water and a multi-vitamin a day. I was nowhere near the ability to do a pull up.
I was ready to visit Herzegovina and Croatia for the first time ever. I was in for the shock of my life. The world as a knew it was going to be torn to pieces over the next few weeks, and I am still in the process of trying to put together my altered perceptions.
Me during November of 2000, weight 250+ pounds.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Playing God's Apprentice Part 3 (continued) - Diet
In the previous post I explained how my body attained an equilibrium state of perfection at age 31. I ate the equivalent of a small apple a day over my metabolic rate for a span of nine years.
The picture in part 3 was taken when my body had stabilized its size and it had spent four years integrating my neuro mechanical system to optimize its operations at a massive girth. The picture on the cover of the blog (doing a handstand inverted pike from a pair of stationary steel hoops) was taken at the end of last summer, four and a half years after I started losing my weight and one year after I started reintegrating my neuro mechanical system to my new bodily paradigm.
Both bodies were as perfect as one another. In the year 2000 photo I was optimized for carrying 280,000 stored calories. Based upon my activity level, my body could go if I had adequate water and a multi-vitamin a day 80 to 120 days without food. In the fall 2009 photo my body is half way through the re-optimization process for speed, agility & integrative compound muscle group strength. The work in process body can do assisted standing back flips, and it is nine years older than the body optimized for mass girth and stored fat survival.
Both body forms have their strengths and weaknesses. In my opinion neither body is better than the other. If I tried to do a handstand followed through with an inverted pike from my old body. My shoulder's would have disintegrated pulling myself up to the stationary steel hoops. Assuming I could arch my back into the handstand position my spine would have dislocated at almost every vertebrate. Getting into an inverted pike would have torn my rectus abdominus muscles in half, and the increased blood pressure to my brain would have killed me with an embolism. If I tried to live off of multi-vitamins and water with my new body, I would be dead in less than one month. The old body had a 5cm layer of insulator blubber, and it tolerated cold like an Inuit. The new body has maybe 3mm of insulator blubber and I swear a cold damp draft could kill me. I became physically no better. I simply became optimized for a different environment, yet I remained living in the same place.
When I was 35 years old, and weighed 250+ pounds I listened to the experts and the nutritionists. I got my recommended daily intake of nutrients and I made a point of consuming foods that the nutritionist experts told me were good for me. My physician told me when I was 39 that if I did not lose weight I would most likely be dead by age 50. He would not tell me how much weight I had to lose as he knew I would have told him where to go. He set a simple goal for me, lose 20 pounds and see how I felt. He told me to start going for walks, and he told me NOT TO RUN unless I could get my weight below 200 pounds. He explained to me that he was too fat at 180 pounds and he was my height. He was going to lose 20 pounds himself and he dared me to do the same. I was facing two choices, either accept my physicians dare or start sleeping with an oxygen mask life support system for sleep apnea. I took my physicians dare.
Stage 1 was the journey from a 250 pound fat man to a 200 pound fat man took three and a half years. The caloric math worked out as follows:
50 pounds overweight x 3,500 stored calories per pound = 175,000 surplus stored calories.
Days in three and a half years = 1,278 days
Caloric deficit required versus average daily metabolism = 137 calories per day
To go from a 43 inch waist to a 37 inch waist in three and a half years only required a caloric deficit of 137 calories per day. Assuming your weight is completely stabilized and does not fluctuate outside of a five pound band, losing 50 pounds in three and a half years requires burning a very small number of calories per day over your average daily metabolic rate.
If you are consuming sufficient calories per day to meet your average daily metabolic rate and your lifestyle does not change, your weight remains constant. The first step is to figure out what your average daily metabolic rate is. There are several calculators on the web where you input several factors such as your weight, age, height, activity level and body type. Based upon these factors, the calculator makes a best estimate of how many calories a day your body requires to remain at a stable weight. An important thing to note is that as your weight drops your average daily metabolic rate cetirus paribus (Latin for all other things being equal) drops as well. So the way to do it take your current weight and compute the average daily metabolic rate. Then you take your weight minus 20 pounds and compute your average daily metabolic rate. Take the average of these two numbers and subtract 137 calories. Cetirus paribus, if you can maintain this diet for seventeen months you will lose 20 pounds.
Reducing 137 calories a day is as simple as having:
1> 1 1/2 tablespoon per day reduction of trans fat free margarine or mayonnaise
2> 1 1/4 tablespoon reduction of olive oil per day
3> one ounce less whole grain per day
4> one and a half fewer small apples per day
5> one 6.5 ounce glass less of not from concentrate pure grape juice per day
The journey from a 250 pound fat man to a 200 pound fat man took three and a half years and the elimination of trace amounts of what the experts told me was good for me from my diet.
As I said earlier, Rome was not built in one day. To get your body to where it was took time. To take your body to where you want to have it and to be able to keep it that way will take time also. The funny thing I have noticed about the results that any experts have had with their diet plans, is the people who listen to the experts tend to look far worse five years later.
I am not an expert on nutrition. I am a raging heretic. However I know one thing for certain, I look and feel better five years later.
To be continued
The picture in part 3 was taken when my body had stabilized its size and it had spent four years integrating my neuro mechanical system to optimize its operations at a massive girth. The picture on the cover of the blog (doing a handstand inverted pike from a pair of stationary steel hoops) was taken at the end of last summer, four and a half years after I started losing my weight and one year after I started reintegrating my neuro mechanical system to my new bodily paradigm.
Both bodies were as perfect as one another. In the year 2000 photo I was optimized for carrying 280,000 stored calories. Based upon my activity level, my body could go if I had adequate water and a multi-vitamin a day 80 to 120 days without food. In the fall 2009 photo my body is half way through the re-optimization process for speed, agility & integrative compound muscle group strength. The work in process body can do assisted standing back flips, and it is nine years older than the body optimized for mass girth and stored fat survival.
Both body forms have their strengths and weaknesses. In my opinion neither body is better than the other. If I tried to do a handstand followed through with an inverted pike from my old body. My shoulder's would have disintegrated pulling myself up to the stationary steel hoops. Assuming I could arch my back into the handstand position my spine would have dislocated at almost every vertebrate. Getting into an inverted pike would have torn my rectus abdominus muscles in half, and the increased blood pressure to my brain would have killed me with an embolism. If I tried to live off of multi-vitamins and water with my new body, I would be dead in less than one month. The old body had a 5cm layer of insulator blubber, and it tolerated cold like an Inuit. The new body has maybe 3mm of insulator blubber and I swear a cold damp draft could kill me. I became physically no better. I simply became optimized for a different environment, yet I remained living in the same place.
When I was 35 years old, and weighed 250+ pounds I listened to the experts and the nutritionists. I got my recommended daily intake of nutrients and I made a point of consuming foods that the nutritionist experts told me were good for me. My physician told me when I was 39 that if I did not lose weight I would most likely be dead by age 50. He would not tell me how much weight I had to lose as he knew I would have told him where to go. He set a simple goal for me, lose 20 pounds and see how I felt. He told me to start going for walks, and he told me NOT TO RUN unless I could get my weight below 200 pounds. He explained to me that he was too fat at 180 pounds and he was my height. He was going to lose 20 pounds himself and he dared me to do the same. I was facing two choices, either accept my physicians dare or start sleeping with an oxygen mask life support system for sleep apnea. I took my physicians dare.
Stage 1 was the journey from a 250 pound fat man to a 200 pound fat man took three and a half years. The caloric math worked out as follows:
50 pounds overweight x 3,500 stored calories per pound = 175,000 surplus stored calories.
Days in three and a half years = 1,278 days
Caloric deficit required versus average daily metabolism = 137 calories per day
To go from a 43 inch waist to a 37 inch waist in three and a half years only required a caloric deficit of 137 calories per day. Assuming your weight is completely stabilized and does not fluctuate outside of a five pound band, losing 50 pounds in three and a half years requires burning a very small number of calories per day over your average daily metabolic rate.
If you are consuming sufficient calories per day to meet your average daily metabolic rate and your lifestyle does not change, your weight remains constant. The first step is to figure out what your average daily metabolic rate is. There are several calculators on the web where you input several factors such as your weight, age, height, activity level and body type. Based upon these factors, the calculator makes a best estimate of how many calories a day your body requires to remain at a stable weight. An important thing to note is that as your weight drops your average daily metabolic rate cetirus paribus (Latin for all other things being equal) drops as well. So the way to do it take your current weight and compute the average daily metabolic rate. Then you take your weight minus 20 pounds and compute your average daily metabolic rate. Take the average of these two numbers and subtract 137 calories. Cetirus paribus, if you can maintain this diet for seventeen months you will lose 20 pounds.
Reducing 137 calories a day is as simple as having:
1> 1 1/2 tablespoon per day reduction of trans fat free margarine or mayonnaise
2> 1 1/4 tablespoon reduction of olive oil per day
3> one ounce less whole grain per day
4> one and a half fewer small apples per day
5> one 6.5 ounce glass less of not from concentrate pure grape juice per day
The journey from a 250 pound fat man to a 200 pound fat man took three and a half years and the elimination of trace amounts of what the experts told me was good for me from my diet.
As I said earlier, Rome was not built in one day. To get your body to where it was took time. To take your body to where you want to have it and to be able to keep it that way will take time also. The funny thing I have noticed about the results that any experts have had with their diet plans, is the people who listen to the experts tend to look far worse five years later.
I am not an expert on nutrition. I am a raging heretic. However I know one thing for certain, I look and feel better five years later.
To be continued
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Playing God's Apprentice Part 3 - Diet
You are what you eat. It is something I knew all of my life. I was the fat guy, but I got to the state of where I was eating quality food. It was always interesting being amongst other fat people because I very quickly realized that the types of bodies that fat people have are very different and each is a testament to the fine work they did to get themselves there.
The process of your body changing from a skinny person to a fat person usually follows four stages of progression almost like a disease. However there are some very notable exceptions where individuals can achieve a massive girth and only attain the first stage of fatness.
Stage 1 - Fat starts to deposit under the skin. You are consuming 120 calories a day more than your body requires. Mother nature has given us a wonderful tool called body fat that allows us to take the carbohydrate energy which has four calories per gram, and put it away for long term storage in the form of fat which has nine calories per gram. If your body is to lug around 120 calories of stored food, it is easier to move thirteen and a half grams of fat than it is to move 30 grams of carbohydrate.
Stage 2 - Fat starts to deposit around (inter) your muscles. You have been a diligent person and consumed 120 calories a day extra as a savings program. After placing 10 Kilograms of fat under your skin, your body starts to store the fat around your muscles. You start to develop the classic storage humps sort of like the human equivalent of a Dromedary Camel. For women it usually takes the form of booty padding, saddle bags (classic pear shape), and in extreme cases the Gorilla hump. For men it usually manifests itself as fat stores in a spare tire shape around the mid-section (apple shape), and in rare cases the gorilla hump.
Stage 3 - Fat starts to deposit around your organs in your body cavity. This is called visceral fat and this is the stuff that KILLS YOU. The way this fat snuffs your life is either of several ways:
1> It breaks down, oxidizes creating free radicals that alter the chemical balance around a organ, and abnormal cell creation takes place (Cancer)
2> It surrounds the organ impeding its functioning, and you develop diabetes, liver disease, kidney disease, or your heart is so surrounded in fat it just can't beat anymore and you have a heart attack.
3> It impedes the mobility of your torso, and you suffer a fall that had you been fit you would not have suffered. Thereafter your body decays quickly and you die.
Stage 4 - Fat starts to deposit within your muscles. You start to achieve intra-muscular marbling like a AAA cut of beef. At this point you are quite immobile, and you are lucky your body did not kill you at stage 3. If there was a natural disaster and people had to resort to cannibalism to survive. You are the first to be eaten as you would taste the best, and have the most tender meat. A skilled cannibal butcher could cut you into steaks in such a manner that the rest of the cannibals could eat fork tender human . The fat would act as a lubricant between the muscle strands. If you were cut perpendicular to the grain of your muscle fibres, you would have the consistency of tenderloin...
I myself hit spent most of my adulthood at the cusp between Stage 2 (inter muscular)/Stage 3 (visceral) fat. My maximum weight I hit was over 250 pounds which made me approximately 80 pounds overweight. I was ideal weight at age 22, 170 pounds, and by age 31 I weighed 250 pounds then my weight plateaued for eight years.
This is a photo of myself taken during November of 2000 at age 35, weight well over 250 pounds
The journey from 170 pounds to 250 pounds over nine years is as follows:
Amount overweight = 80 pounds
Calories stored being overweight = 80 pounds x 3,500 calories per pound = 280,000 calories
Number of days in nine years = 365 x 9 = 3,285 days
Human whale in nine years = 280,000/3,285 = 85.24 calories per day over average daily metabolism..
Rome was not built in one day. To achieve bodily perfection as the Michelin Man, or Poppin Fresh was a long slow diligent journey. You have every reason to be proud of yourself as it probably took more effort to get 80 pounds overweight that it took to get your education.
Where can you find 85 calories? Here are some fine examples:
1> a four ounce glass of grape juice
2> 18 grams (2/3 of an ounce) of whole grain
3> 3/4ths of one tablespoon of olive oil
4> a small apple
An apple a day can kill you.
to be continued
The process of your body changing from a skinny person to a fat person usually follows four stages of progression almost like a disease. However there are some very notable exceptions where individuals can achieve a massive girth and only attain the first stage of fatness.
Stage 1 - Fat starts to deposit under the skin. You are consuming 120 calories a day more than your body requires. Mother nature has given us a wonderful tool called body fat that allows us to take the carbohydrate energy which has four calories per gram, and put it away for long term storage in the form of fat which has nine calories per gram. If your body is to lug around 120 calories of stored food, it is easier to move thirteen and a half grams of fat than it is to move 30 grams of carbohydrate.
Stage 2 - Fat starts to deposit around (inter) your muscles. You have been a diligent person and consumed 120 calories a day extra as a savings program. After placing 10 Kilograms of fat under your skin, your body starts to store the fat around your muscles. You start to develop the classic storage humps sort of like the human equivalent of a Dromedary Camel. For women it usually takes the form of booty padding, saddle bags (classic pear shape), and in extreme cases the Gorilla hump. For men it usually manifests itself as fat stores in a spare tire shape around the mid-section (apple shape), and in rare cases the gorilla hump.
Stage 3 - Fat starts to deposit around your organs in your body cavity. This is called visceral fat and this is the stuff that KILLS YOU. The way this fat snuffs your life is either of several ways:
1> It breaks down, oxidizes creating free radicals that alter the chemical balance around a organ, and abnormal cell creation takes place (Cancer)
2> It surrounds the organ impeding its functioning, and you develop diabetes, liver disease, kidney disease, or your heart is so surrounded in fat it just can't beat anymore and you have a heart attack.
3> It impedes the mobility of your torso, and you suffer a fall that had you been fit you would not have suffered. Thereafter your body decays quickly and you die.
Stage 4 - Fat starts to deposit within your muscles. You start to achieve intra-muscular marbling like a AAA cut of beef. At this point you are quite immobile, and you are lucky your body did not kill you at stage 3. If there was a natural disaster and people had to resort to cannibalism to survive. You are the first to be eaten as you would taste the best, and have the most tender meat. A skilled cannibal butcher could cut you into steaks in such a manner that the rest of the cannibals could eat fork tender human . The fat would act as a lubricant between the muscle strands. If you were cut perpendicular to the grain of your muscle fibres, you would have the consistency of tenderloin...
I myself hit spent most of my adulthood at the cusp between Stage 2 (inter muscular)/Stage 3 (visceral) fat. My maximum weight I hit was over 250 pounds which made me approximately 80 pounds overweight. I was ideal weight at age 22, 170 pounds, and by age 31 I weighed 250 pounds then my weight plateaued for eight years.
This is a photo of myself taken during November of 2000 at age 35, weight well over 250 pounds
The journey from 170 pounds to 250 pounds over nine years is as follows:
Amount overweight = 80 pounds
Calories stored being overweight = 80 pounds x 3,500 calories per pound = 280,000 calories
Number of days in nine years = 365 x 9 = 3,285 days
Human whale in nine years = 280,000/3,285 = 85.24 calories per day over average daily metabolism..
Rome was not built in one day. To achieve bodily perfection as the Michelin Man, or Poppin Fresh was a long slow diligent journey. You have every reason to be proud of yourself as it probably took more effort to get 80 pounds overweight that it took to get your education.
Where can you find 85 calories? Here are some fine examples:
1> a four ounce glass of grape juice
2> 18 grams (2/3 of an ounce) of whole grain
3> 3/4ths of one tablespoon of olive oil
4> a small apple
An apple a day can kill you.
to be continued
Friday, January 22, 2010
Playing God's Apprentice Part 2 - The Grand Equation
One Dimension - X - an imaginary line with no thickness
Two Dimensions - XY - a flat visual image with no depth. A picture
Three Dimensions - XYZ The three dimensional object with depth (space)
Four Dimensions - Time, which interacts with space to form the time space continuum
Mass - Something that physicists have not yet fully figured out what it is yet. It exists and it is made up primarily of something that is unknown. The physical substance of matter.
Heresy - any belief or theory that is strongly at variance with established beliefs, customs, etc.
If you are reading this blog and wanting to change you have to first ask yourself why change? At this very moment in time you are perfect and complete in every way. Your neuromuscular system has adapted to your inputs of food and activity and your body has evolved to behave in an optimum manner for the world that you have created for yourself. There is no need to change as change does not make you better. The only thing that occurs is that fundamentally you don't change at all, your body just re-adapts to a new equilibrium state based upon the world you create for it.
Five years ago I weighed over 25o pounds (114 Kilos) had a 43 inch waist (109 cm), was on high blood pressure medication, and was being tested by the oxygen telemetry clinic for the potentially dangerous condition called sleep apnea. I was starting to develop the signs of mobility problems with my hips and knees showing the first signs of wear. I suffered from miagraine headaches that were a function of my high blood pressure. My sacroiliac joint was requiring constant adjustment by a chiropractor, as weighing 114 kilos distorted my skeletal motion. I was perfect and complete in every way. My genetics, lifestyle and time had took part in a grand ballet, and who I was at that moment in time was the encore. I was about to turn 40, acting like I was 20 and inhabiting a body that was about to turn 60.
The grand equation that had played out to get me to who I was is comprised of the following confluence of factors:
1> My genetics. The cumulative blessing and cumulative curse of my cumulative ancestry
2> My Diet. Years of eating highly nutritious food and trying to follow the dietary advice of experts
3> My Environment. Years of a sedentary lifestyle as an accountant living a modest middle class existence
4> Time. The fourth dimension that propelled my matter through the time space continuum.
The Present You = Your Genetics x Your Diet x Your Environment x The Passage of Time
Currently you are the embodiment of perfection and you have every reason to be proud of yourself.
Five years ago I realized I either changed or I would die an early death. I realized that I had control of the diet factors and the environmental factors, and survival required learning how to control those two factors. In three and a half years I had managed to get my weight down to 198 pounds (90 KG), and my waist down to 37 inches (94 cm). I had reached a healthy plateau where I was no longer afflicted with mobility problems, migraine headaches and high blood pressure so I decided it was time to take off on a backpacking trip to see my extended family in Herzegovina & Croatia.
It was during the trip that I had made the most startling discovery of all. We have the power to distort both the time and genetic variables. We cannot control time, we cannot control our genes. We can however re-roll the dice that Mother Nature gave us and remain as perfect as previously, but on a fundamental level different underlying basis.
To quote a Rush song "The more that things change. The more they stay the same"
Five years later I am as perfect as i was five years ago, however I am different. Somethings I have done over the past 18 months have given me a re-roll of Mother Nature's dice and a chance to be different. If I wanted to wait for a properly documented scientific explanation of what on earth happened to me I would be dead before I would get my explanation. The last 18 months were an accident that I have enjoyed. I have managed to distort how diet and environment were reacting with time and genetics.
I have started to learn and am still learning how to play God's Apprentice.
Two Dimensions - XY - a flat visual image with no depth. A picture
Three Dimensions - XYZ The three dimensional object with depth (space)
Four Dimensions - Time, which interacts with space to form the time space continuum
Mass - Something that physicists have not yet fully figured out what it is yet. It exists and it is made up primarily of something that is unknown. The physical substance of matter.
Heresy - any belief or theory that is strongly at variance with established beliefs, customs, etc.
If you are reading this blog and wanting to change you have to first ask yourself why change? At this very moment in time you are perfect and complete in every way. Your neuromuscular system has adapted to your inputs of food and activity and your body has evolved to behave in an optimum manner for the world that you have created for yourself. There is no need to change as change does not make you better. The only thing that occurs is that fundamentally you don't change at all, your body just re-adapts to a new equilibrium state based upon the world you create for it.
Five years ago I weighed over 25o pounds (114 Kilos) had a 43 inch waist (109 cm), was on high blood pressure medication, and was being tested by the oxygen telemetry clinic for the potentially dangerous condition called sleep apnea. I was starting to develop the signs of mobility problems with my hips and knees showing the first signs of wear. I suffered from miagraine headaches that were a function of my high blood pressure. My sacroiliac joint was requiring constant adjustment by a chiropractor, as weighing 114 kilos distorted my skeletal motion. I was perfect and complete in every way. My genetics, lifestyle and time had took part in a grand ballet, and who I was at that moment in time was the encore. I was about to turn 40, acting like I was 20 and inhabiting a body that was about to turn 60.
The grand equation that had played out to get me to who I was is comprised of the following confluence of factors:
1> My genetics. The cumulative blessing and cumulative curse of my cumulative ancestry
2> My Diet. Years of eating highly nutritious food and trying to follow the dietary advice of experts
3> My Environment. Years of a sedentary lifestyle as an accountant living a modest middle class existence
4> Time. The fourth dimension that propelled my matter through the time space continuum.
The Present You = Your Genetics x Your Diet x Your Environment x The Passage of Time
Currently you are the embodiment of perfection and you have every reason to be proud of yourself.
Five years ago I realized I either changed or I would die an early death. I realized that I had control of the diet factors and the environmental factors, and survival required learning how to control those two factors. In three and a half years I had managed to get my weight down to 198 pounds (90 KG), and my waist down to 37 inches (94 cm). I had reached a healthy plateau where I was no longer afflicted with mobility problems, migraine headaches and high blood pressure so I decided it was time to take off on a backpacking trip to see my extended family in Herzegovina & Croatia.
It was during the trip that I had made the most startling discovery of all. We have the power to distort both the time and genetic variables. We cannot control time, we cannot control our genes. We can however re-roll the dice that Mother Nature gave us and remain as perfect as previously, but on a fundamental level different underlying basis.
To quote a Rush song "The more that things change. The more they stay the same"
Five years later I am as perfect as i was five years ago, however I am different. Somethings I have done over the past 18 months have given me a re-roll of Mother Nature's dice and a chance to be different. If I wanted to wait for a properly documented scientific explanation of what on earth happened to me I would be dead before I would get my explanation. The last 18 months were an accident that I have enjoyed. I have managed to distort how diet and environment were reacting with time and genetics.
I have started to learn and am still learning how to play God's Apprentice.
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