How to win the Afghan war and have the troops home for Christmas

I watch in amazement how the Western Coalition is flailing about in the Afghan conflict. I have concluded that the politicians running the war are idiots. Instead of concentrating on victory they are too busy contemplating what is sticking to the inside walls of their rectums.

If I was made Commander in Chief of the western coalition in the Afghan conflict this is how I would win the war.

1> Carpet bomb Afghanistan with hardcore porno magazines.

Use the multi billion dollar transport planes to drop 1 billion copies of Hustler and like minded Euro skin mags all over the country. This will weaken the hold of the religious mullahs over the minds of the young men. It will be very hard for a young Afghan man to take some smelly old bearded man dressed like its the 13th century seriously if they are made aware of Jenna Jameson, Brianna Banks, Nina Hartley etc....

What idiot would want 72 virgins in heaven if they perceive a chance of shagging someone like Jenna in this lifetime. Win their penises, and their hearts and minds will follow.

2> Ban the Burqha, and make it punishable by death of a MALE relative

Make wearing a Burqha illegal. Use a combination of 3 man sniper teams and predator drones to enforce the Burqha ban, and cull the undesirable males out of Afghan society. This is as easily done as it is said.

Use the predator drones to spot women in Burquas. The same drone paints the woman in the Burqua with a laser that identifies a victim. Using the same drone, the closest human with a beard is painted with a different colour laser that is the kill colour lazer. The sniper team kills the painted male with a 50 cal Ma Duece bullet. The predator drone swoops down low and shoots a paintball at the Burqua woman whose dye glows for 24 hours signifying no more males are to be killed because of her foir the next day.

Keep shooting assholes that are escorting women in Burquas until the women of Afghanistan no longer wear them.

3> Ban 13th Century Clothing

If godless savages all over the world can wear Nike, so can the Afghans.

4> Ban all wedding between closer than 4th degree relations.

One of the biggest problems with Arab countries, and the Stan countries is the preference for marrying 1st cousins. A first cousin is genetically as close to you as your own mother. In some countries over 50% of marriages are between first cousins, which means that the majority of the men in these countries are mother#$%^ers.

Any Mullah or Iman caught performing a marriage ceremony between first or second cousins is to be fed to a pack of starving feral pigs.

5> All suicide bomber remains get special treatment

The body parts of a suicide bomber are collected. They are divided into a dozen different pigskin bags and a kilo of hog slaughterhouse offal is added to each bag. The bags are then buried in different parts of the country. This ensures that in the off chance that Islam is a truth, the suicide bomber does not get his 72 virgins in paradise.

I am certain with these five easy, inexpensive steps the war in Afghanistan can be won with minimal loss of Western life. The real problem the Western military faces is that the Armed forces are full of douche bag officers sitting in desks, who gain promotions passing documents about the war between themselves. It's in the interest of these douche bags that the war continues and Western soldiers keep dying.

If Goldwater had won the 1964 election, North Vietnam would have been a paved parking lot.