Chicktoria Disease - continued, a Single Man's Survival Guide....

Part III

Tripping Their Gaydar........

Shreddy - Today we interview Jodi the supermarket cashier. She is a composite charachter of several supermarket front counter customer service reps better known as cashiers, that I have known over the years. These customer service reps were both straight women and gay men. For the purposes of our analysis the we will be interviewing Jodi feminine form or drag persona. Good morning Jodi welcome to our discussion.

Jodi - Good morning Shreddy. I see you are dressed to appear straight today.

Shreddy - But Jodi I am straight..

Jodi - Lest the world not forget the mantra for survival in Chicktoria is to AGQ. Appear Gay Quickly. I have never insinuated that you act gay, just that you have a natural talent for Appearing Gay Quickly.

Shreddy - How do you mean I have a natural talent for Appearing Gay, I just go about my life my own way.

Jodi - I have seen you on more than one occasion buying skin moisturizer. You don't suffer from exema or psoriasis. You don't wear a wedding ring, and you are purchasing skin moisturizer. Honey that screams gay.

Shreddy - What about the young men buying product for their hair?

Jodi - First of all Shreddy, you shave your head. If you were buying unscented hair product I would readily assume you were straight and that you were buying the products for your girlfriend. Ah lucky woman she would have a SNAG that buys her hair products.

Shreddy - What makes me appear straight in the supermarket, and what trips your Gaydar.

Jodi - A single white baguette held like a riot baton. Straight.... I saw what you did to that poor woman in the supermarket one day... You unavailable detached jerk.

Shreddy - The attractive brunnette in her late 30s that had no ring on and was stroking the organic Black Forest ham repeatedly with her left hand.

Jodi - Yes that lady you insensitive jerk. You wore a white T shirt like Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise. Plus the way you were holding that baguette. She was doing her best to show you that she was single, that she was healthy, that she found you attractive,was shopping for one, and that she ate meat and was capable of birthing a child that was not retarded. Her clock was screaming and she found you attractive. Now she may have to settle for a Celiac.

Shreddy - But I pulled out my lucky pink rock from my pocket, and she noticed I was with a male friend who was slim and attractive.

Jodi - These are the dead giveaways for tripping gaydar in this order.

1> Skin moisturizer
2> Nail polish
3> A tight shirt
4> Beets
5> Everything Organic including the meats
6> Absence of canned beans/potatoes
7> Two attractive slim guys
8> A basket full of vegetables
9> Anything made by Happy Planet
10> Leeks

Jodi - Now these are the straight guy giveaways......

1> Pillsbury Pizza Pockets
2> Only vegetables are potatoes and canned beans
3> Buying cheap aftershave at a supermarket
4> Work Clothes but you can't look like the construction guy from the Village People
5> Heat and Serve chicken wings
6> Beef Jerky

Shreddy - There we have it. A supermarket survival guide for Chicktoria. How to appear benign while gathering food, and be safe from the dreaded Stage IVs....