The Merchants of Death

I like drinking club soda. I drink lots of it as it is a calorie free thirst quencher that does not contain artificial sweeteners. At my favorite supermarket, I deviate from my pattern of perimeter shopping to get to the midpoint of the beverages isle where the cub soda is located. This isle has sodas and sports drinks on the side that has club soda, and fruit juices on the opposite side. I refer to this isle as the "Isle of Death" and it is the source of inspiration for a new composite character Happy Panda, the spin doctor for the beverage industry......

Shreddy - Hello Hitler, how are you today? I see you have brought a friend along.

Hitler - Yes I did Shreddy, her name is Happy Panda, I met her at a holistic retreat. She works as the spokesperson for the Juice industry and she has a really interesting job.

Shreddy - Hello Happy Panda its a pleasure to meet you. I always enjoy meeting new friends of Adolf even if I disagree with them vehemently 99% of the time.

Happy Panda - Well Shreddy, I hope you don't disagree with me. I am a Panda, which is always portrayed in a bening happy manner, and my mission is to teach mothers about nutrition so that they can protect their children from harm. We all agree its everybody's duty to protect the children.......

Shreddy - We should protect children by ruling the bans on cigarette sales to minors as unconstitutional.

Hitler - Shreddy, have you been hanging around free thinking Jews again....

Shreddy - Well Hitler, yes I have been hanging around free thinking Jews. They have figured out an ingenious way of keeping you away so that we could have conversations and a free exchange of ideas in private....

Hitler - #$%&^ chicken fat. I knew it. Anyhow, now is not the time to be selfish. This discussion is about how my friend Happy Panda wants to protect children. We all know that children must be protected at all costs against those that are against the protection of children.

Shreddy - Well, for starters. I have never seen a Panda bear dressed in a Swiss Milkmaids outfit before. Mother nature gave you a perfectly fine coat of fur, why go to the bother of dressing like a Swiss Maid.

Happy Panda - Well everybody knows that Switzerland is a land of peace, meadows, chocolat, Milkmaids, and we can't forget the Bernese Mountain Dog...... Everything that gives images of wholesomeness and peace.

Shreddy - I don't see what on earth Switzerland has to do with selling juice. I have never imagined them to be a fruit exporter, nor a juice producer.

Happy Panda - It's all about creating a halo effect. Fruit and Switzerland are two things that no one can disagree with. Protecting children is another one of them. My mission is to sell mothers on the benefits of fruit juice for their children...

Shreddy - You have a point Happy Panda. Nothing brings to mind a more terrifying image than that of a child afflicted with scurvy......

Happy Panda - What mother would want to see her child slowly waste away. Watch their gums blacken, their teeth fall out, finally the uncontrollable bleeding..... A horrific way for a child to die.

Shreddy - That it is, and to think that all it takes to prevent this tragedy is 60 milligrams of Ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C) a day. Lets see, that would be about 40 grams (one and a half ounces) of fresh Red Pepper daily. Alternatively 75 grams (three ounces) of raw broccoli can do it too.

Hitler - Shreddy, whenever you start talking about vegetables..

Shreddy - Yes Hitler vegetables are good eat. It only takes small amounts, if they are wisely chosen to satisfy many of a person's nutritional needs.

Happy Panda - My job is to let mothers know that there is an alternative to eating vegetablles called fruit and vegetable juices. I think children should be protected against scurvy at all costs. Didn't you find vegetables icky when you were a child? Wouldn't you have grown up to be a happier person if your mother provided you with the choice between fresh vegetables or juice?

Shreddy - I actually enjoyed vehgeatbles as a child. My daughters favourite snack growing up was fresh sliced red peppers. Even though they were expensive, I let my little girl eat all the peppers she wanted. They fit my definition of a near perfect food, dense on nutrients, and low on energy.

Happy Panda - Now Shreddy, if you had been a better parent you would have proovided your daughter with the choice of something like grape juice as an alternative to the red peppers.

Shreddy - My child had free access to the fridge. I taught her that juice contained a lot of energy, and because it was acidic it could destroy her teeth. So if she wanted to drink the fruit juice, I made her brush her teeth afterward. However if she chose red peppers and a glass of water for a snack, brushing her teeth was unnecessary.

Happy Panda - Shreddy, by making her brush her teeth after a glass of fruit juice you were influencing her decisions. You were restricting her right to make choices....

Shreddy - Until they are old enough to fully support themselves, a parents job is to guide and if necessary restrict choices.

Happy Panda - Your child would have grown up far happier had you not placed unnecessary restrictions on her consumption of grape juice.....

Shreddy - Happy Panda, if I listened to you, and gave my child unguided access to grape juice at 250 calories per eight ounce glass, my child would have grown up a toothless fat diabetic. I taught her to think for herself, and to always be weary of pitchmen trying to sell poisons using the Halo Effect.



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