Why I don't buy into the Global Warming BS......

Whenever I hear David Suzuki & Al Gore discuss Man Made Global Warming, I shake my head in disbelief. What the conjugation is wrong with cold places having milder winters and warmer summers? Especially in the case of David Suzuki, what would make a supposedly rational individual want Vancouver BC to have longer and colder winters???????

I have to come to the conclusion that both men are nuts....

In the case of Al Gore, its easy to see the cause of his nuttiness... He is married to Tipper Gore, of lets "Censor Rock Music" fame. He also has issues about losing to people (Bill Clinton & George Bush) who he starts out underestimating because of his sense of superiority. Why doesn't he get a mistress? Maybe that would bring him down to earth.....

With David Suzuki, having grown up admiring him, I am more puzzled. How could someone who wishes that Vancouver had colder and longer winters be taken seriously? I like sunshine and warm weather. I like nice sunny days as much as I like puppies, butterflies & flowers. If Vancouver had warmer and shorter winters there would be more butterflies and flowers.... What the conjugation does David Suzuki dislike about butterflies and flowers? Has he consumed too much mercury over the course of his lifetime?????

Hopefully today we might experience some of the evil warmth that these men refer to....

Pakistan - Humainties greatest danger........

Whenever I think of Pakistan, I feel a sense of irony. Being born in 1965, I was on the bleeding edge of the generation that was destined to fight what everyone perceived to be WW III. The battle between the West versus the Godless Communists..... Thanks to a Polish priest named Karl Woytywa, the West was able to win the war without bloodshed....

Today, we have a threat brewing that makes the cold war threat of the godless communists seem like a lesbo-vegan panda. That threat is Pakistan.

Some interesting facts about Pakistan:

1> Pakistan has a nuclear arsenal estimated to range from 60 to 200 nuclear warheads. They have delivery systems that they developed with the help of the North Koreans that can throw a warhead 1,300 to 1,500 kilometers.

2> Pakistan is unraveling. Civil authority is breaking down and the Taliban are now in control of a region 70 kilometers away from Islamabad, the capital.

3> Pakistan has a long standing dispute over Kashmir with India that has been one of the causes of three wars that these two nuclear armed countries have had since gaining independence.

4> The Pakistani nuclear weapons program was financed by Saudi Arabia. The Saudis figured if the Crusaders and the Jews can have a bomb, so can Allah.

5> The most dangerous of all..... 55% of marriages in Pakistan take place amongst FIRST COUSINS. In many instances these FIRST COUSINS are genetically SIBLINGS. They are breeding like rabbits and getting crazier, and crazier each successive generation. There are almost 200 million of these insane inbreeds as I write.......

Now for the nightmare scenarios:

A> Islamic extremists seize control of Pakistan and its nuclear arsenal, and throw an atom bomb at India. If this happens, millions of Indians would die, and India would have no choice but to vaporize the Pakistanis.....

B> Islamic extremists seize control of Pakistan and its nuclear arsenal, and throw an atom bomb at Iran. If this happens, millions of Iranians die, and the Shia Muslims all over the middle east go ballistic and civil war breaks out wherever Shias and Sunnis cross paths.

C> Islamic extremists seize control of Pakistan and its nuclear arsenal, and covertly get an atom bomb somewhere to where it could be detonated to harm the West/Israel. In this case again, millions of people can die. The west would have no choice but to vaporize Pakistan.

To think had George Bush had the courage to vaporize the Karballa Stone as payback for 9-11, we would not be facing either of these three nightmare scenarios. But then again, he could have started World War 3 eight years earlier, when we in the west were at less of a Demographic Disadvantage, than we are today thanks to the accelerated inbreeding of Pakistanis, Saudis, and Arabs in general.....

One thing seems certain. If you are under the age of 65, there is a good chance that you will experience more excitement than you ever thought you would experience in this lifetime......

Some more dangers of honour by association.....

In my view of the world, "Honour by Association" is almost as dangerous as a "Moral Hazard".

Here are some more examples of "Honour by Association", where because of the presence of something we perceive as being good, or the absence of something we perceive as being bad gets us to go easy on moderation and self-restraint. Here are some of the ones I see in everyday life....

1> Air Miles

Isn't it great, you spend money, and you might be able to get an airline ticket somewhere where you will not be gainfully occupied, but you will be spending money. In my business, I see people overspend, and justify it because of their airmiles. My advice is $%#$ the airmiles. Spend less than you make, and pay for the ticket out of the money you save....

2> Whole Grain Bread

Life is fantastic, one can eat ""healthy bread"" and get lots of fiber.. One can eat more bread with Becel and see Mr. Floaty in the morning..... The problem is that people who get their fiber from grain in most instances get inadequate amounts of vegetables. End result, fat sickly people with floating poo.....

3> Fruit Juice

One can get their servings of veggies without having to eat veggies. Two big problems with this approach. The first is the calories contained in fruit juice. Some brands of "Pure Grape Juice" have 250 calories for an 8 ounce glass.. When was the last time you saw anyone drinking out of an 8 ounce glass???? 1972?????? Where do the calories come from??? Sugar. Welcome to the world of diabetes. The other problem with fruit juice is the acidity. Every fruit juice has a PH below 6 meaning it will destroy tooth enamel.

I remember the hysterical laughter when I tried to explain the concept of a nutritionist to some of my relatives in Croatia.... They thought it was so stupid that in North America we award Masters Degrees to people whose only proven talent is creating an obesity epidemic...

Just because someone tells you something is good for you does not mean that it is.

In defense of white bread, the dangers of honour by association...

I sometimes wonder are we as a society poisoning ourselves with whole grain products?

Eight months ago I abandoned whole grain breads and started eating white french bread again. Lo and behold contrary to what the marketing machine would tell you, I started to get slimmer and have felt an increase in energy. It made me start to think about the dangers of honour by association....

When people see the terms "Whole Grain" or "Multi-Grain" or "Trans Fat Free", they associate something they feel positive about, or a lack of something they feel negative about as a reason to increase consumption. "Trans fat free, whole grain, multigrain bread" sounds like its good for you but is it really??????

Mankind discovered how to make white flour, and continued to make white flour for a very good reason... By removing the germ from the wheat, you dramatically reduced the chances of spoilage, and greatly extended the shelf life of the stored carbohydrate. White flour has a shelf life without preservatives that is measured in years, versus months for a whole grain flour. Prior to the advent of unpronounceable chemical additives, this difference in shelf life could have meant the difference between eating or starving....

In countries like Croatia, France, Bosnia & Hercegovina, Italy, Greece etc, people eat white bread and they are thin. Yet in countries like Canada, the UK, the USA where people eat "Trans fat free, whole grain, multigrain bread", there is an obesity epidemic...

The biggest difference in the diets between the two groups of countries is the people in thin countries don't get any dietary fiber from bread so they eat lots of vegetables. Whereas in the fat countries people get enough fiber from the grains so they skip the veggies... In fact they are so impressed with the amount of fiber their bread contains that they eat lots of it with "trans fat free" margarine....

I challenge anyone to try what I did. Throw away the "Trans fat free, whole grain, multigrain bread", and get yourself some nice white french bread. Throw away the Becel, and start eating lots more veggies. I bet in a couple of months you will feel so much better that you will wonder how you ever got suckered into the wholegrain myth....

Climbing towards a million...... With the help of my Serbian Mistresses

Here I am late April, 8 days to the filing deadline, enough tax returns to do to crush the chest cavity of a steer.

In prior years this last stage of April would bring about a feral state in my psyche. I would jack myself on enough Red Bull to wire and African Elephant, and stop eating regular meals while subsisting on my accumulated fat reserves. If I started showing some signs of doziness, my staff would guess what my body might need, go to the friendly fast food place and garb a bag of processed food facsimile. I would be fed like an animal in the zoo, and if I was to far jacked, I would be regressed to a two year old while my assistants told me to open the hanger for an airplane.

This year, I have been doing things differently. Having preemptively downsized before the financial tsunami, I am entering the final space without excess fat reserves, or spare workstations where I can flip to another file during the dead time increments that occur while a tax return is printing. In the past during the four minutes or so it took to print a return, I would jump to a spare desk, where another file was waiting for me, and make progress on it while waiting for the previous file to print. This year with no spare workstations, the ability to work on another file is severely constrained because of the risk of realizing my greatest fear. Cross contamination of client financial information. I can no longer open a new client file while a current client file is open.

This inability to switch between jobs during dead times perplexed me. Luckily, my personal coach saw this as my golden opportunity to fine tune my "Prison Body Workout".

I had been keeping my lift tonnages constant, while going through tax season. Basically staying in the range of 28,000lbs to 50,000 lbs per week. To archive these volumes of weight, I had been spending time with my heavier dumbbells. The 30 pounders "Jovanke"(Joвaнкe), the 25 pounders "Bogdanice"(Бoгдaницe), and my 20 pounders "Slobodice"(Слoбoдицe). My Serbian lovers (my nickname for my dumbbells) have been kind to me, I have been gaining upper body bulk and strength. My personal coach however had noticed a problem. My lateral muscles were bulking up, and were starting to impede the range of motion for my arms. While it may look impressive, it can get so bad that you can no longer wipe your bum like a guy, or put your fists in front of ones face to transfer kinetic energy.

I needed to address this problem, while I wanted to keep my tonnage total moving. Time for two new Serbian Mistresses. I decided on 10 pounders, and I named them my "Svetlane" Светланe, after Светлана Ражнатовић, Arkan's widow, better known as the turbo-folk singer Sesa (Сеца). They were going to be my source of pain and pleasure during the final stages of tax season.

Instead of doing short sets with the "Jovanke" Joвaнкe, I was going to go at my "Svetlane" Светланe, at hard long endurance bursts. Instead of eight goes at the Joвaнкe, I would do 50+ with my Светланe.

My trainer had spent time closely observing how I went about my daily routine. he had noticed that I had two predicable sets of dead-time. The first would be when I was printing tax returns and waiting for the batch to come out of my high speed lazer printer. The second occurred when I was waiting for the time for a copy to come out of the photocopier. He had an idea. The time I would have wasted while a husband and wife's tax returns were printing would allow me to do a set of 40 to 55 repetitions fast and hard with my Светланe. The time to print a single tax return allowed me to do a set of 20 to 25 goes doing inverse exercises with my Светланe (kinda kinky :) ). The time for my photocopies allowed me to do a complete proper backwards shoulder stretch while waiting for the paper to come out of the machine.

End result, during my busiest time of the year, my tonnages are going up. My flexibility is returning to my shoulders (I used to be double jointed), and I am getting faster and stronger quickly....

It's amazing what one can accomplish if one looks at time from a new perspective, and has some help from a pair of Serbian Mistresses. Oh moje Светланe, brzo, dugo i težko....... Banja Luka here I come ;-)...........

Lessons from the hole.......

I befriended a fellow in the later stages of life who had an illustrious career in his youth. He was one of Canada's most prolific bank robbers. He never physically harmed anyone, never fingered a co-conspirator, and wound up serving most of his adult life in prison.

He had paid his debt to society, and in his later years when he was basically harmless, he was paroled.

While I came from a solid working class background, he was born under far humbler circumstances. While my life path took me through university and graduate school, his path took him on a tour of Canada's correctional system. Yet somehow we became friends.

Having spent most of his adult life in prison had given him a different perspective on everything, and I consider myself very blessed that in his later years that he would pass some of his hard earned wisdom to me.

When someone lives a life doing without, they develop a different way of thinking. You give the man a lemon, and he will make lemonade. To my friend the glass was always half full.

I had started a quest to honour my Hercegovinian ancestry, and that was to lift 1,000,000 pounds of free weights. While I was making progress, my triceps just were not moving as I had hoped. I had started to worry that I might have to join a gym.

Being a Hercegovinian, I am uneasy about gyms. I always wonder why some guys seem to make a life out of walking around naked in the change rooms. Are they so insecure that they need to ""free willy"" all the time? Also why do people in gyms always come up to you from behind, and what about the bacteria and germs.......... Maybe a pig from the Black Sea used the equipment......

My friend had spent time in the hole, old school style. No television, 1 hour per day in the exercise area alone, and 23 hours a day in a lit windowless cell. The guards would take the prisoners shoes away so as to deny the inmate the opportunity to hang oneself with the laces. Bed was a concrete shelf that was 18" above a cement floor. You would get a blanket at 6PM and at 6AM they would take the blanket away. In the hole one had two choices; either you did calisthenics until you collapsed from exhaustion, or you beat your head against a concrete wall to earn a trip to the prison infirmary. The "Prison Dips"involve grabbing the edge of the bed shelf with your arms behind you, and lowering ones butt to the floor, and lifting ones body weight with your arms from behind while your feet in socks can slide on the cold concrete. Over and over again. The ultimate triceps workout, guaranteed to either tear your rotator cuff, or give you the ability to spring like an ape. There is the "Hand Towel Pull Up", where you drape the hand towel over the sprinkler system pipes, and "Blanket Bed Strap Sit Ups" .

He took the time and showed me the entire set of hole exercises. End result was a centimeter on my arms in a month.... My friend has taught me to utilize to ultimate effectiveness the spartan home gym I have (dumbbells and a plain wood bench). You don't need a specialized machine if you can intuitively or deductively find a fulcrum point.

It's time to allow the sale of tobacco to children again......

Mister Squishy - Today we will be talking about the anti-smoking movement. We figured no better way than to start with the Father of the movement Adolph Hitler, the first man in history to say "I MIND IF YOU SMOKE"

Hitler - Thank you Mr. Squishy for giving me credit where credit is due. I had thought initially that Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer would have gained me immortality, but "I MIND IF YOU SMOKE" was brilliant. Everyone knows it just like the opening bars to Beethoven's 5th Symphony.

Mister Squishy - I spent this summer in West Hercegovina, it seems that if you said "I MIND IF YOU SMOKE" over there, you would probably get your head pounded in... By a Hercegovinian woman.......

Hitler - Those $%king West Hercegovinians..... Himmler identifies them as Proto-Aryans, and this is how they reward me... Did you know that the puppet leader I installed in 1941, Ante Pavelic, a Western Hercegovinian was married to a JEW..... His children were JEWS.... and that that #$%&^$ Pavelic hid his treasure trove of JEWISH physicians in the woods of Bosnia away from my Shtutzstaffel. To show his treachery, those Jews he hid were still $%king breathing.....

Mister Squishy - Haven't you ever considered that Pavelic had a reason for hiding some Jews from you that weren't his in laws????

Hitler - Of course he had a reason. Those West Hercegovinians smoke tobacco. Makes them do stupid things like hide Jews from my Einzgruppen.

Mister Squishy - Have you ever heard of the Nobel Prize? It seems that Jews win the prize in far greater numbers that their proportions of the population would indicate. Maybe Pavelic thought protecting the Jews to the best of his abilities given the difficult circumstances was ensuring a brighter future for all of humanity???

Hitler - The JEW is dangerous. They think. The Orthodox ones are way too smart to fall for the "Big Lie"..... The Reform ones are a different matter. Deep down they are as dumb as a gentile...

Mister Squishy - I tire of your anti-Jew tirades. Lets talk about the concept of the "Big Lie", and how it works.

Hitler - It is very simple.... Tell a big ridiculous lie often enough, and people are stupid enough to believe it.... Here is my dousy, "SMOKING CAUSES A HEALTH CARE DRAIN AND A NET COST ON SOCIETY", have you ever imagined anything so silly????

Mister Squishy - What is so silly about "SMOKING CAUSES A HEALTH CARE DRAIN AND A NET COST ON SOCIETY", it sort of makes sense....

Hitler - Well its the furthest thing from the truth, yet it sounds sensible. Damn I am smart..... Anyhow here is how it works,

1> Pick a group in society or in the world that everyone should like.... In my case I felt protecting children was important.. My friend Al Gore chose baby polar bears... But it could even be puppies.... Everyone likes children, baby polar bears and puppies....

2> Pick a group for a scapegoat. Jews, smokers, human beings, hell it can even be Republicans...

3> Develop a mantra affirming your support for one of the groups identified in the first step. Mine was "Our Children are Our Future", and "It is our duty to protect our children from harm".. This step is very important because this allows you to monopolize a very strong powerful positive emotion that 99% of people feel. In the case of today's followers, they are using the protection of children to further the Anti-Smoker agenda. Al Gore has the baby polar bears to promote his genocide of humanity agenda.

4> Attack your dissenters. I used "I am protecting Germany's Children from harms way", and "Why do you hate Germany's children" to silence anybody who might question me since I monopolized on the positive hot button....

5> Start the propaganda machine rolling against your scapegoat. Blame them for everything that goes wrong, and keep repeating your positive mantra " is our duty to protect our children from harm". I used simple drawings of JEWS giving children candy.... I still roll over laughing every time I think of this one. Jews are as a general rule the kindest most civic minded charitable people in any society. Hell they view their self worth on how much they can improve the lives of the people around them.... They remember what it was like to be yearning for something and doing without as a child, and out of the generosity of their hearts they give candies to all children.. But my propaganda machine accuses them of enticing children towards them to spread dangerous ideas, like thinking for themselves and questioning authority. With my followers today, they attack the smokers saying their smoking harms children.....

6> Once you have the bulk of society comfortable in attacking one vulnerable group, you have them on the slippery slope where you can make them believe anything, and attack the next "vulnerable group" that you see fit.

Mister Squishy - But smoking does harm children...

Hitler - See I Gotcha, if children smoke, smoking is bad for them. But if children don't get any exercise, its even worse for them....

Mister Squishy - I fondly remember my childhood. Almost all the adults smoked, around children, it stank to high heaven. We never wanted to be indoors around them. Whenever the grown-ups ran out of cigarettes, we would be tasked with running to the corner store for them to fill out their tobacco order. Then we were allowed to keep the change and buy sugary soda, and we would spend the entire day hyper playing road hockey to run all of the adrenaline off.....

Hitler - Now, the anti smoking movement is protecting children. They create smoke free indoor environments that children don't want to leave..... Since the sale of tobacco has been outlawed to children, they no longer get the exercise that they used to get running to the corner store, so they get obese. Since they don't breathe in outside air, they develop asthma.... In addition they become so sensitive to everything that they grow up "Politically Correct"

Mister Squishy - I would rather see a child grow up healthy, open minded and athletic....

Hitler - By creating a massive class of chronically ill, overly sensitive asthmatics, we weaken western society.. Thereby making the West too weak to protect Israel... Then the worlds Arabs can eventually implement my final solution while America is to fat and sick to get out of their lazy boy chairs....

Mister Squishy - So was it your whole plan to use the anti-smoking movement to develop rot within Western Society?

Hitler - Of course it was.... Any pinnacle empire always gets destroyed by rot from within. We get the Western World too busy dealing with their own obesity epidemic to worry about their duty to protect the Jews. Then the Arabs take out Israel.....

Mister Squishy - You are a sick twisted evil man.....

Hitler - Thank you for the compliments, especially since it's not even my birthday yet.

My biggest fears for the future......

Having a brain hardwired for statistics, I innately perform regression analysis subconsciously while thinking about things. While the global economic Titans are working on reflating the credit bubble (Global Ponzi Scheme). There are some very frightening trends that I see, which hopefully I can describe and prescribe a non optimal solution:

1: DECLINING FERTILITY RATES.

In my opinion this is the greatest danger facing the civil order of Western society. We have created a welfare state where the carrot, is being taken care of in ones old age. The problem was that society did not create a stick to ensure that those who expect to reach old age fulfill their responsibilities to the human race while young enough to reproduce. Generation X (my generation) has on the most part been a miserable failure that abrogated all responsibilities and obligations to humanity to indulge in stupid selfishness. A Quarter have chosen never to have children another quartile have chosen to remain children for the rest of their lives.

On what basis does an individual who chose to be a non-reproducer expect to enslave the children of another human being to take care of their pathetic living carcasses in their old age. By being born, we have entered into a human continuum cycle. Birth takes the place of death to ensure that society functions. If no children are being created, there is no future. We are creating a inverted pyramid where greater and greater numbers of the aged put up bigger and bigger demands of the declining population of functional. We have replaced class war with generational war.

SOLUTION THAT'S SURE TO WORK - Ban all forms of birth control, publicly execute any abortion providers, and illegitimate children are given up for adoption. This will bring us back to a fertility level that is above minimum replacement amounts. This will also ensure that all children brought into the world will have two parents responsible for them, and prevent rogue male offspring being raised alone by women.

SOLUTION THAT'S LESS EFFECTIVE - Anybody born in 1965 (my year or later) who has not brought a child into the world has NO RIGHT TO AN OLD AGE PENSION. Those that have brought ONE child get half an old age pension, those that bring TWO receive the full amount.

2. THE OBESITY EPIDEMIC,SPECIFICALLY FAT PEOPLE WHO DON'T SMOKE..

Adolph Hitler was a genius by starting the anti-smoking movement. It is as if he had the wisdom to start a process that would create fertile conditions for his return. Tell a big lie often enough that people believe it... In case you are wondering what the big lie is?, its "Smoking causes a financial burden on society"....

Lets look at the facts -
a> Smokers have a life expectancy that is seven years shorter than non-smokers. That's seven years less taxpayer financed pension payments. When you add all the cigarette taxes that smokers pay while their alive, and subtract the reduced pension payouts society comes out ahead.
b> Smokers as a general rule die quickly. Over 50% of an individuals lifetime health care costs will be spent on their last two years of life. With smokers, they tend to get inflicted with incurable conditions such as lung cancer that are inexpensive to treat. You basically give the smoker as much hydromorphone as is needed to control their pain until they drop dead. Hydromorphone is cheap, and for less than $2 per day, you can keep a dying smoker pain free.

The largest financial burden waiting on society is the obese people who chose not to smoke. They don't have the dramatic life expectancy reduction of smokers, while tending to develop chronic conditions at young ages that are expensive to treat. Diabetes and mobility disorders are expensive. When do you hear of smokers having hip replacement surgery? In addition their is no sin tax on obesity, so the state coffers don't get a lift other than the source remittances of junk food providers.

SOLUTION THAT WOULD WORK - Anybody with a BMI above 30% is forced to smoke. If they want to be allowed to live smoke free, they must drop their BMI below 25%. This will ensure an efficient method to euthanize those that are most likely to create a large financial burden on society.

LESS EXTREME SOLUTION - Implementation of a FAT TAX. Every year as part of a mandatory physical checkup, ones fat content is calculated. Based upon fat percentages, we implement progressively higher rates of tax so as to choke off the surplus food supplies for piggies....

3 ISLAMIC JIHAD

As things stand now, the Decadent West is losing traction while Militant Islam is getting stronger. The biggest proof is how each society shows their confidence of lack thereof towards the future. Militant Islam shows its confidence by being capable of ORGANIC REPLACEMENT, while the Decadent West shows its lack of confidence by not being capable of REPLACEMENT. The greatest vote of confidence a society makes is with its wombs.

Islamic Jihad also has a seductive message for Westerners who are looking for spirituality or a sense of purpose. They are looking like they will be the winning team, and it's human nature to want to back and be part of a winner. Islam gains coverts in the west amongst both men and women. An example of how it happens..

A dejected young man sees no path to advancement, and having to tone down any aspect of their nature that would offend any sensitive types such as gays, feminists, anti-smokers etc. Islam has a simple message. There is one God Allah, Mohamed is his final prophet, and join us and we can together bash the feminists, homos and other wimps into silence. A very powerful incentive to convert. In the case of a woman, Islam offers a clearly defined role and structure. The women in Victoria that wear full Burquas were not born Muslim, they are western women that CONVERTED.

EXTREME SOLUTION - USA retaliates properly for 9-11 using the Pearl Harbor precedent. Committing an attack on the USA that kills over 2,000 people gets two cities vaporized. The USA vaporizes Mecca & Medina. Once the Muslims see that the black rock that they worship is destroyed, and the destruction of their God Rock doesn't bring about any divine retaliation, they might come to their senses and abandon their faith.

LESS EXTREME SOLUTION - Drop mountains of porno mags on Islamic countries like propaganda leaflets. Once young Muslim men get their hands on a copy of Hustler, the radical Imans loose all control over them..

There you have it, my three biggest fears; declining western fertility rates, the obesity epidemic, and militant Islam..

Notice I didn't mention global warming???? Because if it is true, it is in my opinion the greatest thing that has ever happened to the human race.

Hitler must be laughing in his grave, because the politically correct types are sowing the seeds of his return...

Next Blog post we will get the Fuhrer's opinions on these topics.

Counting to 1,000,000 one pound at a time.

Less than one year ago, on my 43rd birthday I received the surprise of a lifetime. I got the results from the University of Arizona DNA Lab which I had engaged to analyze the Erlić clan's Y chromosome.

The origins of my patriarchal clan had always been a mystery. Two of my cousins with masters degrees in history had completed an epic project whereby through analysis of land grants, baptismal records, military service, and cross correlation of oral tradition had established that every member that they could find could have traced their lineage to a wedding that took place in 1819 between a Stjepan Erlić & a woman named Cvita Čirijak. They had three sons, Mate the eldest, Grgo the middle, and Šime the youngest. One of the historian cousins also happens to be a computer genius, and somehow he had managed to place the backbone of our family tree onto the computer without having to use the family genealogy software that was developed by the Mormons (Erlićs used to breed like rabbits).

They had established, and proven our entire clan's tie in. They had proven that my direct patriarchal lineage was the oldest of the clan, and by virtue of it had established that I was the sub chieftain (my dad is the head). At that moment, I had inherited the obligation to my clan to put the matter of our origins to rest for once and for all.

Other cousins had tried to develop hypothesis as to our origins. When you pronounce our name as its pronounced in Dalmatia, it directly gets Anglicized to Ehrlich, which sounds Germanic, and led to several genealogical wild goose chases. I myself had guessed that in all likelihood our direct patriarchal line was Ashkenazim, and at the age of 7 I became a practicing crypto-Jew whereby I obeyed the Noahadine Laws and stopped eating pork.

Low and behold the surprise that came on my birthday..... Erlićs were as Germanic as Chop Suey, Erlic's were as Jewish as the Karbala Stone. Erlic's were Hercegovinians, and we were so Hercegovinian that we were an exact genetic match to what Oxford & Cambridge had come with as being the Dinaric Alps proto-modal. We were direct barely mutated descendants of the first Hercegovinian who the chaps at Oxford had named I2a P37.2, P41. The father of Europe.

This information was very interesting for our family because several Erlić men, my father being one of which had taken Hercegovinian wives. By virtue of this, myself and many of my cousins had discovered that we were pure bloods on both our patriarchal and matriarchal lineages. Armed with this knowledge, I embarked on a pilgrimage to Herzegovina, in the hopes of finding out more about myself.

The Hercegovinians are indigenous Europeans. They have continuously inhabited Bosnia & Herzegovina for over 22,000 years. DNA analysis had shown that the highest concentration of any of the genetic haplotypes anywhere in Europe existed in West Herzegovina, where over 90% of the males are I2a P37.2, P41. In layman's terms, over the span of 20+ thousand years, no foreign invading tribe raped the women of Herzegovina as a spoil of war. Along with their close genetic cousins the Sardinians (a sub tribe that left Herzegovina 6,000 years ago) the Hercegovinians are the longest living people in the world.

During the last ice age, when most 99% of Europe was under Ice, Herzegovina was a refuge. 11,000 years ago as the glaciers started to retreat, there was a eastward migration out of Herzegovina into central Europe. The strongest of the strong remained in Herzegovina, while the weaker ones moved forward populating Europe prior to the great westward Indo-European migration of 6,000 years ago. This natural selection is obvious if one visits Western Herzegovina and looks at the people there. The only adjective that could describe them is indestructible.

The Worlds most famous Hercegovinian is the boxer George Čuvlao (Anglicized to Chuvalo). He is best known for in 97 professional boxing matches never having his knee touch the canvass. He fought Mohamed Ali twice. In both instances Ali was awarded the match on technical points. In the first Maple Leaf Gardens fight, Chuvalo hospitalized Ali. Had the match been conducted under 19th century rules where the combatants fought until one was knocked out, Chuvalo would have killed Ali. Today Ali, is paying the price for thinking he was a match for a Hercegovinian Pure blood. Ali wears diapers, and can't even pronounce his name.

Touring the cemeteries of Herzegovina last summer gave me a whole new perspective on age. Those that did not adopt a completely degenerate lifestyle can expect to live into their 90s. Those that adopt a completely degenerate lifestyle have a 50% chance of living into their 90s.

So to honour my ancestors, I have embarked upon a quest. To lift 1,000,000 cumulative pounds of dumbbell free weights. I have so far reached the 750,000 pound threshold, and the results have been shocking all of my friends. I appear to have reversed aging.....

But that is not the case, only that my body is being true to my genes. While I am a Canadian & Croatian citizen by birth. My heart and my spirit are Hercegovinian. I will have to inhabit my body far longer than I had initially anticipated, so I dedicate every lift and every hour of pain I endure to the memory of my ancestors. THE HERCEGOVINIANS......

In the end, I will become the first accountant I know to have actually started at zero and counted to one million.

Adolph Hitler & Joseph Stalin Discuss Global Warming with Al Gore

Mister Squishy – Our guest today is Al Gore. Since I have a pro-Gore bias, in the interests of maintaining some semblance of balance, I shall be stepping aside. Luckily Adolph Hitler & Joseph Stalin have agreed to take my place. So without further adieu, I hand the mike over to Herr Fuhrer & Comrade Stalin......

Hitler – I take great pleasure in introducing former US Vice-President Al Gore Jr.. Welcome Herr Gore, it is great to have you with us today.

Al Gore – Thank you Mr. Hitler. Today I am going to be talking about a topic that effects all of us. Man made global warming. It is very bad. See my chart, it points up which is bad. Drowning baby polar bears which are bad.

Stalin – Dead baby polar bears don't bother me.

Hitler – Joseph, you #@#hole. Baby polar bears are nice. They are furry, and they have cute eyes. How can you not be deeply disturbed by the thought of a baby polar bear drowning? Polar bears are our friends....

Al Gore – Hitler you are so correct. Dead baby polar bears are not nice. But back to man made global warming. We have made a startling discovery. Contrary to what people believed in the Republican Stone Age, the sun does not warm the earth. Instead the planet is warmed by people. People warm the planet.....

Hitler – How right you are Herr Gore. Boy when we ran the crematoriums, we certainly warmed things up. Communists warmed things up the most. Homosexuals came a close second.

Al Gore – Yes, people are the source of all the worlds problems. Because people are alive, the world gets hotter. That is bad...

Stalin – So are you saying that if I killed less people, the world would get warmer. Russia is too cold. Please don't make me doubt that killing solves everything.....

Al Gore – Global warming is bad. If you don't agree with me you are working for an oil company which is bad.. Russia is cold, and that is good. Vodka tastes better when its freezing cold.

Stalin – Yes it does. Maybe its time to conduct another purge, and chill the vodka more.... Where is Beria?

Al Gore – Yes. If you killed more people, you would slow down man made global warming since it's people not the sun that warms the earth.....

Hitler – How is Tipper doing? Has she succeeding in silencing the Jews in the recording industry?

Al Gore – She is OK. However, her battle against those that say bad words and speak heresy continues. She is helping silence the evil corporate interests that have been co-opted by the evil oil companies that don't agree with me...

Hitler – I saw your movie “An Inconvenient Truth”, it was brilliant. You kept repeating that warming the earth was bad so many times that I could see the masses starting to believe you....

Al Gore – Yes I am very proud of my accomplishment. I won an Oscar? George W. Bush has never won an Oscar. That movie had a very important message.. Man warms the earth. Global warming is bad. Anybody who disagrees with me wants to kill baby polar bears....

Hitler – I loved the lighting while you were giving your lectures. When the lights from upper stage right hit your nose, it cast a lovely shadow... You looked so handsome.... That small dark mysterious patch under your nose.

Al Gore – Well thank you Hitler. I am so touched that I had you even noticed the small rectangular shadow under my nose. My message was very important. It is a tribute to the quality of the film that a small detail as that could could keep a man of your importance captivated....

Hitler – Thank you again for joining us. Your movie “An Inconvenient Truth” has done wonders at rehabilitating Stalin's and mine images.. We were trying to stop warming the planet which was bad.... We were not murderous #$%holes. We like baby polar bears. It was those eveil Jews that are responsible for stopping us. Because of them, baby polar bears drown, and it is possible to grow tobacco....

Al Gore – You are most welcome Hitler, that $%^&* Jew Lieberman stabbed me in the back. He went Republican, and he actually believes that the sun warms the earth. He could not carry Florida. Not being able to carry Florida cost me the Presidency. Jeb Bush prevented the Afro-Americans from voting...

Hitler – We all know what happens when Afro-Americans vote. Maybe the Obama can save the baby polar bears. Goodnight....