Hitting Critical Mass........

A funny thing happened on the way to one million kilograms of dumbbell lifts. At the eight hundred and twenty thousand, three hundred and forty-four Kilogram mark, I attained the criticall mass/strength ratio that allowed me to do my first proper supine grip chin up from a full dead hang. It occured on August 5, 2009. Since that date, I have only lifted fifteen thousand and ninety kilograms.

The chin up is done from a supine (palms facing body) grip position. Its cousin the pull up is done from a pronated (palms facing away from body) grip position. Being able to do a chin up from a full dead hang roughly equates to being able to arm curl ones body weight. Being able to do a pull up from a full dead hang roughly equates to being able to perform a snatch lift of your own body weight.

My heaviest dumbbells, affectionately named "Moje Jovanke" (my mistresses, Jovan's daughters) only weigh 13.5KG each. A total weight of 27KG for the pair. On August 5, 2009 I weighed in at 79KG. I had entered a brave new world. I could look at life now from either of two ways. I am strong enough for my body weight, or I am light enough for my strength.

The next level of critical mass will be achieved when I can do either a pull up or chin up and raise my body until my waist is even with the bar. At that moment I will be entering the world of men's gymnastics. I will keep you posted.

Organic Processed Food

I have Vancouver Island's largest health food store in the same complex that my office is in. As the gamma ray would travel the distance from my feet to the ceiling of the health food store is less than five meters (sixteen feet). I have a unique vantage point to play Jane Goodall. I entertain myself by watching people entering or leaving the store, or when on occasion I need to buy anything I perform quick associative analysis on what people are buying and I make quick mental judgments based on their appearances....

This has led me to a conclusion about the "Health Food" industry. They cater to people who have too much time on their hands, and needlessly waste money on nonsensical wants that they have deluded themselves into believing are needs.

I have adopted a simple rule with my grocery shopping. I stick to the perimeter of the supermarket where the fresh foods are and I avoid to the extent that its practical the isles where the processed foods are.

When I look at the "Health Food" supermarket, I make a startling observation. The amount of floor and shelf space devoted to "Fresh Food" is minimal. The amount of shelf space devoted to processed organic "Health Food" is massive. If you like eating meats and vegetables, shopping at the "Health Food" supermarket is almost impossible. If you like eating highly processed grains and legumes, with packing that implies rain-forests, pandas or benign lesbian names the "Health Food" store is the place to shop.

I have a heretical belief...., YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT..... My observations of the people coming out of the "Health Food" store is that many of these people are not well and in many cases it is the "Health Food" that is making them that way.

I have noticed that many of the customers that shop at the "Health Food" store can be placed into distinct classifcations based upon their socio-economic position. I will examine the main groups that I have identified, and present my view on how the "Health Food" store is harming these customers....

A> Highly educated professional women whose biological clock is in overdrive and they are seeking a mate. Risk, they might meet Mr. Right who just happens to be vegan, lactose intolerant, celiac or some other form of twit. Ten years later they realize that they have found a useless parasite, and when they try to divorce the freeloader, they discover that divorce law favours the parasite over the productive person.

B> Women obsessed with nutrition. Risk for them is that they get so much nutrition into their bodies that they become massively obese..... Any processed organic item named after a benign lesbian is energy dense and highly caloric. They die young from heart disease.

C> Food intolerance fashionistas. Risk for them is that they go into debt, and wind up destitute. Last year they were "Lactose Intolerant", this year they are "Celiacs", next year provided that a credit card issuer will keep extending them credit, they will become "Acai Dependent" or some other form of silliness.

My advice to people.. Eat fresh food, avoid processed food, and don't fall for benign lesbians, pandas or rain-forests. Also save your money, and shop at a "Straight" supermarket.

Pull Ups and Chin Ups. Man's silent badge of shame....

When it comes to fitness, guys love to boast. Most men who workout more than once a decade can tell you how much they can bench press. Guys that go running more than once a year can tell you the distance they can go. Guys will tell you how many push ups they can do, since any guy gay or straight who is not a fag can do at least ten.......

Now imagine this scenario, twenty men in a room, 10 white guys and ten Chinese guys. An attractive female facilitator walks in and lets the men know that in five minutes they are going to start to talk about the size of their peckers.... The white guys feel a sense of supremacy, and deep down wish they could tart screaming Zeig Heil, until the defensive line of a NFL team walks in.

If you can visualize what must be going through the white guys heads, you can understand mens shame around chin ups and pull ups.

Here is what I have figured out so far. The % of men aged 40 to 49 who could do:

A> One wide grip pull up - Less than 1%
B> One pull up any grip - Less than 5%
C> One chin up - Less than 10%

The chin up and the pull up are the two equalizers of the fitness world, sort of like the rifle is to combat. They are pure measures in the sense of how strong are you relative to your own body weight. That is why they are probably the two most crucial fitness measures that are used by the military of any country to select soldiers for the special forces. After all who needs a 300lb roided out ape that can't even pull its own mass up to a steel bar....

So here are Canada's standards to the best of my knowledge:

Her Majesty's Airborne - Seven chin ups, and you can be thrown out of an airplane behind enemy lines and shoot evil Arab terrorists on their home turf.

Her Majesty's JTF2 - Thirteen pull ups, and you can be parts of small teams that snatch evil Arab terrorists, and hand them over to our allies to torture.

Her Majesty's Armed Forces Reservist - Have a pulse, and be able to do more push ups than a fag, you can volunteer for Afghanistan, and shoot at evil Arab terrorists after they shoot at you first.

Her Majesty's Guest of a Military Prison - Shoot at an evil Arab terrorist before he shoots at you first.

Her Majesty's Guest of a Provincial Jail - Beat up an evil Arab terrorist in Canada and refuse to take anger management counselling. The guest that can do the most chin ups gets to eat apple cobbler first plus they get all the apple cobbler they want. If there is not enough apple cobbler for the rest of the guests, too bad.

So what is the Heretic up to???????

He is not working himself to death for the almighty dollar........

He is not sitting in a Lazy Boy chair watching televised sports and eating nachos......

He is listening to inspirational music, such as Ozzy, Thompson, Iron Maiden, etc. and torturing his old body at the altar of chin ups and pull ups.....

To rephrase the opening of a song by the Offspring....

"Hey man you know I'm really OK
My chin up bar will tell you the same.
When I'm on the street don't give me no crap
I can do several chin ups and I just might snap...."

Refined versus Processed

Refined - "freed from impurities: refined sugar."

Processed - "to convert (an agricultural commodity) into marketable form by a special process, as pasteurization"

Since returning from Croatia one year ago, there are some things I have more than doubled my previous dietary intake of:

1> Unbleached white flour (French Bread)
2> Refined white sugar contained in sodas made from refined fruit esters and sugar from BiH, and European cookies.
3> Vegetables, in their unprocessed state either raw or cooked. No juices, pills or other silly stuff but real vegetables.
4> Chicken, skinless boneless breast
5> Mineral water/Soda Water

Things I have eliminated completely:

1> Processed whole grains (breakfast cereal)
2> Processed fruit and starch based sugars
3> Whole grain bread
4> Margarine
5> Snack foods made of nutritious substance but extremely energy dense

Things I have reduced significantly to the point I consume less than a quarter of what I had consumed previously:

1> Milk
2> Beef
3> Fruit juice
4> Chocolate

Supplements I take:

1> Whey Protein in the form of a shake providing 23grams per shake (can be bought at supplement shop or health food stores)
2> Conjugated linoleic acid - A trans fat that I take 3 daily doses of 1.6 grams (can be bought at supplement shop or health food stores)
3> HMB - An amino acid metabolite that the body naturally produces 3 grams daily (can be bought at supplement shop or health food stores)

I try to eat 1 gram of protein per each pound of body weight (170 grams x 4 calories per gram = 680 calories) and an equal number of calories from carbohydrates and about 35 grams of fat per day. I follow my Aunt's golden rule and eat a gigantic epically huge fresh salad each day. This gives me a baseline of about 1,600 to 1,700 calories per day, if my exercise consists of nightly oblique twist sit up sets and chin up bar till muscles feel like ceviche every second day.

If I ate energy dense whole grains, I could not meet my adequate nutritional needs with only 1,600-1,700 calories a day to work with.

One Year of Auntie's Advice

One my trip to my Father's ancestral village, the person who I gained the most from meeting was my Strina, which is defined as your Father's Sister-in-Law. An aunt by marriage but not an aunt by blood (Tetka).

My Strina had an interesting life. At age 16, her family held a wedding between her and my Father's 18 year old brother. She was packed off in a wagon, and for all intensive purposes abandoned by her clan with the Erlic's.

Being an outsider by birth, she had a unique perspective on the Erlic clan that was very similar to that of an Anthropologist studying another culture or a troop of chimpanzees. She knew who she was, she had very little idea of what and who the Erlic's were, and she was very eager to observe and learn. To the Erlic Clan, she is our Professor Jane Goodall. The foremost authority on our physiology, psychology, pathology and behavior. She understands us better than any of us that were born Erlic.

Last summer, during my morning coffee with my Strina, I would be there with my journal asking her questions about us, and furiously taking notes in my journal. She would provide me the full lowdown on every relative that I couldn't meet due to them dying before my trip. From my discussions with her and other male clan relatives I learned about the extent of our inherant health problems:

1> High Blood Presure - Erlic's have a naturally higher than averaage blood presure, and any excess weight tends to exasperate the problem. My hunch is that having high blood presure provided the ancestors of the Erlic's that lived in the swamps of Hercegovina some kind of evolutionary advantage. Most likely the ability to keep blood circulationg when the body is uder external pressure.

2> High blood cholesteral - Erlics have high ratios of LDL to HDL, and overall high levels of cholesteral. Again excess weight would exasperate the problem. Again my hunch is a high cholesterol level provided us an advantage when we inhabited the swamps of Hercegovina in the sense we had ready supplies of molecular building blocks in our bodies to alllow us to heal quicker.

3> Explosive tempers - Erlics were able to reside in Hercegovina for 20,000 years continuously until the Turks drove them out when they emptied the swamps between Siroki Brijeg, and Mostar. You could not have held onto Hercegovina (The garden of Eden) for 20,000 years unless you were a serious badass.

To be continued....