Chicktoria Disease - .Causes of the Man Shortage

Part V - The Man Shortage

Victoria BC was not always known as Chicktoria. Prior to World War I, Victoria was nicknamed Dicktoria. The men greatly outnumbered the women. However it was not a woman's paradise because Dicktoria was one of the last refuges of the damned.... Dicktoria was a primary point of exile for the remittance men.

The remittance men were a phenomenon of the British Empire when it was at it's zenith. These men were the second, third, forth and subsequent sons of prominent families in England who were unwilling to embark upon a life expected of a second, third or subsequent sons. They were not prepared to make a career out of the military, the clergy, the foreign service, or to learn a good profession. They could not remain in England as embarrassing laggards, so their families would bundle them off to as far a place as possible under the Crown's dominion and pay them a monthly stipend to stay away from the mother country.

Since these men were as a rule lazy laggards, they made poor husband material. They drank, played polo, played cricket, played cards, hung around together all day and if the stipend was rich enough they even had a Chinese man servant. At the beginning of the 20th century Dicktoria had a vibrant gay scene..... Then a shot rang out in Sarajevo. World War I was declared. The remittance men like all good citizens of the Crown's dominion (with the exception of the Quebec French) enlisted in the Army to serve God King and Country, and were cut to pieces by the Maxim gun in the trenches of Europe. Thereby turning Dicktoria into Chicktoria.......

So the causes of the man shortage in Chicktoria.........

1> The Maxim Gun

The British found out much to their surprise that the Maxim gun had a use other than shooting the Golliwogs... A three man team of dreaded Germans armed with a Maxim gun firing 600 bullets per minute could cut down a battalion of the King's men. The remittance men were cut down to hamburger, and the initial gender imbalance was reset the other way.



2> The Economy

Chicktoria BC is the home of civil servants and nearly deads. It's economy is based on the service sector and there is very little in the way of manufacturing or raw materials industries that are primarily male domains. This results in Chicktoria being a net exporter of young men, all the same time being a net importer of women both in the form of nearly deads and young service sector workers.

3> Training

People don't work out in Chicktoria..... They train. If your mental focus is on; shaving 30 seconds off your mile; adding the number of maximum reps for chin ups; going to the gym to pose; or if you are a dreaded triathlete, the last thing on your mind is the opposite sex. To improve ones athletic performance requires one's rest and beauty sleep just as much as it requires almost all of ones spare time. Besides what woman would want to date a man whose weeknight bedtime is 8:30PM....

4> Gay Destination

If you are born queer in a small town in BC, you have limited options. You either remain in your small town and get beaten up by all the young homophobes who have yet to come to terms with their own gayness, or you move to Chicktoria, Vancougar or Toronto.

5> The Stage IVs

The most common complaint I hear from my female friends is that they can't for the life of them figure out either of two things. Is the man they know is asking them out on a date? Or is the man they know straight? I tell them the same answer almost every time. If the fellow does not talk about shoes, he is straight. If they are unsure as to whether the fellow is asking them out, my answer is that the poor fellow had a run in(s) with a Stage IV monster. He has mastered the art of Appearing Gay Quickly, and that he is hers for the taking provided they take the initiative. Men in Victoria have fragile self esteems. Rejection or a severe bashing have far more detrimental effect on a fragile male psyche if the men are in a town where the eligible women outnumber the eligible men three to one.

What is my excuse? Number 3 for me. I train. I realized that I am nowhere near my physical peak and to continually improve I need to remain focused. A forty-four year old body can only produce so much testosterone. What little I have is needed for repairing and renewing my body, and I am lucky to have female friends who are respectful of that. Besides my weeknight bedtime is at 8:30 and what woman would want to date a man who has the weeknight bedtime of a well behaved seven year old.

Chicktoria Disease - .How to Avoid the Dreaded Stage IV's at all Cost

Part IV

How not to get your head torn off by a woman infected with the terminal statge of Chicktoria Disease is challenging in a town where women greatly outnumber men.

In a previous post we defined Stage 4: - They just plane hate men. Years of rejection and dating only losers have made them very bitter. The most perfect man imaginable from when they were at Stage 1 or Stage 2 of their disease asks them out....... THEY TEAR THE POOR GUYS HEAD OFF.....

Stage 4s come in several flavours. Here is a handy guide as to their subtypes.

The Vaginal Vigilante:

If you are married and a Stage 4, crosses your path in the supermarket like a black cat would outdoors, watch out. She thinks you are a pervert prowling around behind your spouse in the supermarket. The Vaginal Vigilante just might try to pick up a married man in the supermarket in the hopes of wrecking a marriage, and creaating another Stage 4 sufferer, as misery loves company.

The Bait Caster

You notice a woman who has a beautiful smile and gorgeous eyes. She tells you she is single. You buy her a bouquet of innocent colour roses. She shatters your self-esteem, calls you some very hurtfull things, and leaves you really puzzled because you couldn't immagine someone reaching adulthood being so incaplble of reading the innocent friendly intentions of another human being. You have come across the Bait Caster. Their secret mission, to bash every available straight man queer

The Bruised Psycho

The ones who have abandoned for a younger woman, or heaven forbid a man. They see themselves as perpetual victims and their only intrest in any man is to draw him close and suck the life force out of him.

The Lesbo Man Hater

These are generally very benign. The more malevolent of this variety tend to move to East Vancougar. They are harmless as they have no means other than a direct unprovoked assault to tear a poor mans head off.

As a single man, I had the misfortune of running across a Bait Caster Stage 4 once. That was enough to scare me away from even thinking of approaching any woman for seven months and counting. I have been on several dates, but to protect my fragile self-esteem I have only went on dates where the woman has asked me.

If Chicktoria is supposed to be what a single man's heaven is, I would sure hate to see Hell. Fort McMurray anyone?????

Chicktoria Disease - continued, a Single Man's Survival Guide....

Part III

Tripping Their Gaydar........

Shreddy - Today we interview Jodi the supermarket cashier. She is a composite charachter of several supermarket front counter customer service reps better known as cashiers, that I have known over the years. These customer service reps were both straight women and gay men. For the purposes of our analysis the we will be interviewing Jodi feminine form or drag persona. Good morning Jodi welcome to our discussion.

Jodi - Good morning Shreddy. I see you are dressed to appear straight today.

Shreddy - But Jodi I am straight..

Jodi - Lest the world not forget the mantra for survival in Chicktoria is to AGQ. Appear Gay Quickly. I have never insinuated that you act gay, just that you have a natural talent for Appearing Gay Quickly.

Shreddy - How do you mean I have a natural talent for Appearing Gay, I just go about my life my own way.

Jodi - I have seen you on more than one occasion buying skin moisturizer. You don't suffer from exema or psoriasis. You don't wear a wedding ring, and you are purchasing skin moisturizer. Honey that screams gay.

Shreddy - What about the young men buying product for their hair?

Jodi - First of all Shreddy, you shave your head. If you were buying unscented hair product I would readily assume you were straight and that you were buying the products for your girlfriend. Ah lucky woman she would have a SNAG that buys her hair products.

Shreddy - What makes me appear straight in the supermarket, and what trips your Gaydar.

Jodi - A single white baguette held like a riot baton. Straight.... I saw what you did to that poor woman in the supermarket one day... You unavailable detached jerk.

Shreddy - The attractive brunnette in her late 30s that had no ring on and was stroking the organic Black Forest ham repeatedly with her left hand.

Jodi - Yes that lady you insensitive jerk. You wore a white T shirt like Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise. Plus the way you were holding that baguette. She was doing her best to show you that she was single, that she was healthy, that she found you attractive,was shopping for one, and that she ate meat and was capable of birthing a child that was not retarded. Her clock was screaming and she found you attractive. Now she may have to settle for a Celiac.

Shreddy - But I pulled out my lucky pink rock from my pocket, and she noticed I was with a male friend who was slim and attractive.

Jodi - These are the dead giveaways for tripping gaydar in this order.

1> Skin moisturizer
2> Nail polish
3> A tight shirt
4> Beets
5> Everything Organic including the meats
6> Absence of canned beans/potatoes
7> Two attractive slim guys
8> A basket full of vegetables
9> Anything made by Happy Planet
10> Leeks

Jodi - Now these are the straight guy giveaways......

1> Pillsbury Pizza Pockets
2> Only vegetables are potatoes and canned beans
3> Buying cheap aftershave at a supermarket
4> Work Clothes but you can't look like the construction guy from the Village People
5> Heat and Serve chicken wings
6> Beef Jerky

Shreddy - There we have it. A supermarket survival guide for Chicktoria. How to appear benign while gathering food, and be safe from the dreaded Stage IVs....

Anatomy of my Midlife Crisis..

I am in the midst of my midlife crisis.

In my case a confluence of factors served as triggers:

1> Aging and the changes my body has went through. I spent a very signifcant portion of my adulthood as 250+ pounds of hostess on hoofs. On a chemical basis I was 40% bodyfat at age 39, by age 44 I am somewhere by my best estimate between 11% to 14% bodyfat . Such a fundamental shift in body composition which occurred on an almost linear basis over the span of five years changes an indivduals personality, perception and outlook on a deep hard wired basis. It wasn't supposed to happen this way, but somehow my body aged by getting younger.

2> My child reaching adulthood and leaving the home. Something about my little bird growing her own set of wings, learning to fly, and leaving the nest makes me wonder why on earth am I remaining in the nest. I certainly hope not just to await lifes final certainty.

3> The failure of my marriage. Need someone say more, a child leaving home and the marriage subsequently failing leaves an empty void in ones life. You can choose to either let the void eat away at you, or you can get proactive and try to fill it.

4> I accomplished all of my primary goals in life, and lived through accomplishing them.

This leaves me at a stage in my life where I am now in search of some yet undefined dream or goal. Luckily for me, I don't find myself desiring a feeling of youthfulness. Instead I feel truly youthful. What I trully want to find out is what is the meaning of my life.

Many men when going through a midlife crisis start to behave in a ridiculous manner in the pursuit of lost youth. They find themselves buying expensive cars, clothes, joining a gym and chasing younger women. In my case almost the opposite occurred, I started wearing white cotton undershirts as high fashion, I have not set foot in a gym, I still drive my cute little smartcar, and in during this whole crisis I have only propositioned one woman, and she was older than my soon to be ex-wife. Might just be that I have truly found youth......

But I have acquired an obsession. To beat this standard of fitness that Her Majesty requires of a man half my age. From the Government of Canada website:

Support Personnel (SP) and Specialists (Spec)

Specialists

• 1.5 mile run - 11 min or less
• Push ups (no rest stops) - min 40
• Sit-ups (1 minute) - min 40
• Over hand, straight arm pull-ups - min 5
• Bench press from chest to full arm extension - 1 press min 65 KG

Achieving this standard is sufficient if one is a woman, a person of colour, an aboriginal Canadian, an open homosexual or someone whom Her Majesty at her discretion has skills of such importance that this is the minimum threshold bar.

However, if one is a heterosexual white male who doesn't speak Pashtun, meeting this standard will only give you 55 points and you need 75 points to pass.

Thank God my obsession is with a set of numbers rather than young women. Obsessing over numbers can be far less detrimental to ones health.

Four Months Smoke Free............

As of this moment, I have gone four months totally cigarette free. One would suppose that one's demon would be completely exorcised, yet somehow I feel the urge to smoke stronger than ever. It makes me wonder whether there is something pathological about the desire to smoke in my Hercegovian hard wiring.

When I look at all of the logical reasons not to smoke, it is always the exceptions to that reason that jump out at me.

1> Smoking can kill you..

So can getting hit by lighting. So can falling down the stairs. So can Bambi. Death is an inevitability and cigarette smoking can only be a contributory factor in something that nobody can avoid. My Grandfather was a chain smoker who lived to the ripe old age of 90, and was killed by a fall (25% genetic commonality). My mother had three chain smoker brothers, and now she has one (50% genetic commonality). Two of her brothers had lung cancer as the cause of death. Her surviving brother, another chain smoker could if he wanted to make an encore career out of being the worlds oldest men's underwear model.

2> Smoking is so expensive..

So is drinking. So is nutritious food. So is driving a nice automobile. One certainty I have found in life is that ultimately, very few of life's pleasures can be had for free.

3> Smoking is irrational...

So is human behavior. If everything happened rationally according to a predetermined formula we would not have a dynamic society, instead we would have a fixed outcome.

4> Hitler hated smoking

Everybody knows that I think Hitler was a douche. The difference between a great man and a butcher is that a great man will leave monuments standing. The only lasting monument that Hitler left was the phrase "Yes I do mind if you smoke".

Something tells me that today my old nicotine mistress is out to tempt me.

Chicktoria Disease - continued, a Single Man's Survival Guide....

As a single man, the most important skill one can develop to surviving the gender imbalance hell called Chicktoria is to AGQ......... Appear Gay Quickly

Please note that the first word of the acronym is Appear rather than Act. Appear is defined as "to be obvious or easily perceived; be clear or made clear by evidence" . Whereas the definition for Act "to behave or conduct oneself in a particular fashion" is just so @#&$ gay. Single straight men can Appear Gay, the just cannot Act Gay, because acting gay means that you are gay and in need of therapy to come to terms with your inner you.

Chicktoria, a town that is for all intensive purposes devoid of decent straight eligible men. Due to this harsh environment women evolve over active GayDar, the ability to spot gay men that are either in stealth gay mode (not openly flaming), or are gay but just are not sure of themselves yet. It helps them cope with not being given the glance over by a passing man. "It is not a case that I am undesirable, its just a pity that a guy that hot, has to be gay...." Thereby preserving the unfortunate woman's self esteem.

To be able to AGQ effectively requires a knowledge of female psychology so you can TTGD Trip Their GayDar, before they have made up their mind in the first 15 seconds of setting eyes on you to eliminate you as a copulatory candidate. If you can AGQ, and TTGD faster than they can think that you are undesirable, you have earned yourself the right of peaceful passage.

Women are gatherers. Millions of years of evolution have made them that way. The life of a woman has always been about managing their decisions. They see thirty berries in a cluster, they decide which is the best berry and pick it first, then they decide upon the next one, then the next one and so on.

Men are hunters. Millions of years of evolution have made them this way. The life of a man is to catch anything you can. They see thirty women, they figure most of the women will eliminate the man as a desirable first pick berry... They behave like pigs and see what can they get, if anything at all.

So to be able to AGQ, one has to learn first of all how not to conduct oneself in public as a pig.......

To be continued,

Chicktoria Disease. - An educated, fit, employed, single males survival guide......

Nothing tugs at the heart harder or sweeter than a tragedy. If one can make a montage movie about the lack of love and true happiness, there is no better place to showcase this than Chicktoria, BC. Victoria a city of 350,000 people, nestled on Vancouver Island is the jewel of Canada. Of cities over 100,000 residents, it has the most severe imbalance of women to men earning it the nickname of Chicktoria.

I remember being young and single in Victoria during the late 80's and early 90s. I was of average looks, average shape, worked for Price Waterhouse, wore suits, drove a car, lived with my parents and had no trouble finding dates/girlfriends. The ratio of women wanting a man like me to available men like me,,,,,,, 3 to 1. A wonderful youth, a great place to talllywhack, amazing how many of my friends had two girlfriends knocked up at once....

Here I am, 44 years old suddenly single and in by far the best physical condition of my life. I have a wonderful job, am an excellent cook, drive a nice car that shows I love the planet, own a home where don't have to commute in from Langford... The ratio of women wanting a man such as myself to available men as myself is at least 20 to 1 and probably far higher..... You would think this city Chicktoria is a paradise for a man such as myself, but its a tragedy..... At 44 the body does not produce near enough testosterone to take advantage of the situation. It's like finally being selected as the winner of an all you can eat Rogers Chocolate contest the day after you find out you are a diabetic.

This gender imbalance makes women behave in a very odd manner in Chicktoria, and it t follows the progression of a disease, hence the new name Chicktoria Disease:

Stage 1: - They notice that if they are dating someone he is a jerk, and they suspect he probably has several other women on the go. They also realize that the really nice men are married, while the really hot men are gay.

Stage 2: - It dawns on them that this only being able to find jerks is due to a gender imbalance. There just are not near enough decent men to go around. They realize that if they are to find a decent man in Chicktoria, they are going to have to get aggressive.

Stage 3: - They realize being aggressive is a failure, because all the really desirable men they hit on are either married or gay. At this point they will settle for anyone, hence you see beautiful 40 yeaar old women with graduate degrees, supporting 50 something year old geldings.

Stage 4: - They just plane hate men. Years of rejection and dating only losers have made them very bitter. The most perfect man imaginable from when they were at Stage 1 or Stage 2 of their disease asks them out....... THEY TEAR THE POOR GUYS HEAD OFF.....

As a single guy, it is important to develop personal security procedures where you prepare for any situation by performing an environmental analysis. For myself I have developed a Threat Assessment Checklist based on; the environment I will be in; relative weighting of the stages of Chicktoria Disease in the population of threats to be encountered; and finally the weather and the social context.

I will be explaining in subsequent posts how to perform a Threat Analysis properly, and outlining the preparations that will help one survive any social situation.

To be continued