SHREDDY - Good morning Bogdan, how are you doing this morning?
BOGDAN - Good morning Shreddy. You should put your bong away, besides who is Bogdan?
SHREDDY - I know it's you Bogdan, you should know by now that my bong sharpens my senses and helps me focus.
BOGDAN - I smell Kush. I haven't smelled kush since my Cambridge days, and some Indian students had it in their dorms. It made them dance uncontrollably. It's obvious to me that you are too wasted to recognize me, I am Valerie Jane Morris Goodall.
SHREDDY - Good job Bogdan, next you are going to tell me you were born on.
BOGDAN - April 3, 1934
SHREDDY - The name of the Chimpanzee that attacked you?
BOGDANn - Frodo. I can show you the scar over my right clavicle bone. See..
SHREDDY - Good try Bogdan. You even got the orientation of the scar perfect. However your eyes give you away. To be able to see ones own reflection in Jane Goodall's eyes is the most magical feeling a primate could ever experience, and your eyes gave you away.
BOGDAN - You must admit that we Panthers have a knack for make up.
SHREDDY - You guys are the best. I have a lot of respect for your accomplishments. However if you guys pull off a robbery dressed as Jane Goodall, I will be very angry with you.
BOGDAN - How angry would you get Shreddy?
SHREDDY - So angry that I would hunt down your gang, catch the parties who were dressed as Lady Jane, and hold them captive until they have completed reading all the books written by Franjo Tudman.
BOGDAN - That would be a fate worse than death. It is even drier reading than Mein Kampf. That would be enough to drive any thinking human being insane.
SHREDDY - You guys can pull off a robbery dressed as anyone with the sole exception being Lady Jane Goodall. Personally I liked your idea of robbing the European Central Bank dressed as Jadranka Kosor. The guards take one look at her hair, then they will be so busy shielding their eyes from Medusa's gaze that you guys would not have to use any violence at all to pull of the heist.
BOGDAN - Just to let you know Shreddy we were testing you. We Pink Panthers hold one human in such high regard that she is untouchable, Lady Jane Goodall. You know that we have been collecting all the loot that we have liberated from the bourgeoisie pigs, and our ultimate plan is to use all the money to buy an African country that we can ethnically cleanse, and create a sanctuary for the Chimpanzees. Someplace that they never have to worry about savages killing them for "bush-meat"
SHREDDY - If what you are telling me is true, I want to join the Pink Panthers.
BOGDAN - We are still unsure what we will do with a billions of Euros worth of diamonds. We will either buy an African country for the Chimpanzees, or we will get payback against some ignoramus who has desecrated a great work of art. Anyhow, I have brought someone over in the Panther Sack to help explain how you managed to get some idea of your own genetic code. I take great pleasure in bringing you Valerie Jane Morris Goodall
JANE GOODALL - Hello Shreddy.
SHREDDY - I am not worthy of meeting you Lady Jane. Thank you for coming to help me. Why are you wearing sunglasses?
JANE GOODALL - The Pink Panthers told me how highly you think of me. I am very aware that if you saw your reflection in my eyes, you would kidnap me and throw me into your bridal sack. If you got back to Tinj with me, even the Pink Panthers could not rescue me.
SHREDDY - What can I say other than you are the "Sexiest Woman Alive", Prrrrrrrr
JANE GOODALL - Thank you. I was made aware that you had the shock of your life when you visited Herzegovina and Croatia during the summer of 2008. What struck you as the most shocking?
SHREDDY - I noticed that my family in Herzegovina and Croatia had only a very slight resemblance to my parents and my siblings. That my father and mother looked very little like their brothers and sisters. That I and my five brothers looked more like certain respective aunts and uncles than we did like our parents.
JANE GOODALL - Do you have an explanation for your observation of why your parents and siblings are so different from the rest of your extended family?
SHREDDY - My parents, my siblings and myself would represent an isolated population that was separated from the main troupe of our extended families. We have the same genetic code however we grew up in a different environment. We ate different food, we interacted with our surroundings differently, and the confluence of these factors made my brothers and I different from the rest of our family.
JANE GOODALL - How did E Troupe react when they saw you?
SHREDDY - They were as amazed as I was. I had a very vague resemblance to them. I had my grandfather's hands, the gap between my top two incisor teeth from my great-great-grandmother, and eyebrows that if left un-groomed would make me look like Hellboy.
JANE GOODALL - What about your mother's troupe in Herzegovina? What was B Troupes reaction when they saw you?
SHREDDY - They were just as amazed as E Troupe was. My resemblance to B Troupe was very strong except they were all fit and athletic, and I was the 200 pound fat guy.
JANE GOODALL - You had not met any of these individuals until you were 43 years old. Having five brothers who are full genetic siblings should have given you an idea of what your own inherent genetic factors were. You had only met your father's older sister prior to your trip. You are aware that genetically you are as close to a true first cousin, or true aunt/uncle as you are singularly as close to either of your own parents.
SHREDDY - Of course I was aware of that. I had done a lot of research on Human genetics and I had my Y Chromazone subjected to the highest resolution scan possible. According to your Alma Mater, my Y Chromazone is the closest match to what they modeled as the father of the Illyrian tribes, I2a Dinaric, a fellow that lived in Bosnia 1,170 generations ago give or take 100 generations ago. The second I saw the Dinaric Alps, I felt a sense that I have never felt before. I said to hell with the instructions I got in Croatia on how to get to West Herzegovina, I trusted my instincts as some force drew me to a spot in Bosnia & Herzegovina, my true ancestral home.
JANE GOODALL - You made it to your mother's village a full 5 hours sooner than had you relied on the directions from the tourist bureau in Split.
SHREDDY - When have you ever heard of a Herzegovinian taking directions from a Croat?
JANE GOODALL - Other than when Tito was in power, that would be akin to a Bonabo asking a Troglodyte for sex pointers. What you had experienced Shreddy was hard wiring in action. Your ancestors lived in Bosnia & Herzegovina for 23,000 years, that land is you and you are that land. You had your entire world as you knew it shattered that afternoon. What happened?
SHREDDY - I met my mother's older brother for the first time in my life. The second I looked in his eyes I realized that I had been living in an illusion for 43 years.
JANE GOODALL - 43 years is a long time to be living within an illusion. That is almost as long as I spent living with the Chimpanzees.
SHREDDY - You know Lady Jane, I am in search of a mate. I could not think of a primate I would rather have grooming my back than you.
BOGDAN - Shreddy you insidious sneak. Anything to get Lady Jane's sunglasses off. I have been trying to get her to take off her sunglasses for 30 years.
JANE GOODALL - This is starting to get interesting. A Herzegovian and a Serb are both interested in me. I haven't felt this way since professor Leaky was chasing me around the forest doing a Troglodyte mating dance.
SHREDDY - If you become my grooming primate Lady Jane? Why the #@%^ did you throw Lady Jane back into the Panther Sack? Bogdan I really enjoy this woman's company.
BOGDAN - You know just what to say to a woman. We brought Lady Jane over to help you explain to the readers how to decipher their own genetics and behavior. You cannot get her to climb into your bridal sack and take her back to Tinj.
SHREDDY - But she would get along so well with my Strinas.
To be continued
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