Playing God's Apprentice Part 5a - Genetics, an Interview With Jane Goodall

(the scene opens with Bogdan the master of disguise for the Pink Panthers, the worlds greatest jewel thieves walking into Shreddy's study. Much to his shock he finds Shreddy lying face down on the floor shirtless wearing only gi pants, with Professor Jane Goodall straddling his naked back)


BOGDAN - Shreddy, what on earth are you doing with your shirt off? Lady Jane, what in God's name are you doing straddling Shreddy's naked back? Have you two both lost your minds?

SHREDDY - We are both very sane right now. We are doing this to raise funds for the Jane Goodall Institute. We were getting tired of waiting for the Panthers to hit the European Central Bank.

JANE GOODALL - See that webcam over there Bogdan? Melinda Gates and a couple of her girlfriends are watching on the other end. They are watching me groom Shreddy. For every blackhead I find on his back, $1million gets donated to the Jane Goodall Institute.

SHREDDY - If the blackhead is big enough to cast its own shadow, and Lady Jane does the dance she does every time Cambridge beats Oxford.

JANE GOODALL - $5 million gets donated to the Jane Goodall Institute.

BOGDAN - I hope you two haven't mated. I know a nice Serbian girl for you Shreddy. She is my niece Jovanka. She is so strong that she can pull an Ursus tractor out of the mud holding the chain in her teeth.

JANE GOODALL - Shreddy and I have not mated. This is strictly platonic. I let him look in my eyes, and he realized that there is one thing in the world he wants more than me.

BOGDAN - The Hope Diamond?

SHREDDY - I want a biological child

JANE GOODALL - I am turning 76, and I can't give Shreddy a baby. What about that statuesque Czech lady you had lunch with yesterday? She can do chin ups, and she is of White Slav genetic stock, plus she is 24 years old.

SHREDDY - Really nice girl, however she can't answer the most important question of all. What number can you count to on one hand.

JANE GOODALL - She said 5 didn't she.

SHREDDY - Yes

JANE GOODALL - Just hold still for a second Shreddy my eyesight is not what it used to be. This might hurt,,, a shadow caster, a shadow caster, OoH, OoH, OoH, OoH the Chimpees made $5 million dollars. Good work Shreddy. Now it's time for you to explain the role of Strinas (aunts father's side not related by blood in E Troupe)

SHREDDY - In E troupe, the Strinas play the role of Lady Jane. Since they are not of E troupe blood, they have a degree of objectivity while observing E Troupe that no other people have.

JANE GOODALL - They provide a reference point for deciphering your own genetic code. Since they are not blood relatives, when you see your cousins who are their offspring, and you see your Strina's physical traits in your cousin.

SHREDDY - I can reasonably conclude that in all likelihood those traits are not part of my genetic map. When I meet my cousins, cousins who are related through them on their mothers side I get further corroboration that these traits are not part of the genetic set I am gifted/cursed with.

JANE GOODALL - From what you are telling me figuring out your genetic code has as high a degree of elimination involved as observation.

SHREDDY - Precisely. There are certain mutations that exist in my genetic set that I am able to conclude that I have by observing those traits in my cousins and further corroborating my observation by observing the lack of the same traits in their cousins who are not related to me.

JANE GOODALL - Can you elaborate the Lady Jane role that Strinas play in E Troupe?

SHREDDY - They are the sages of the Troupe. They like to get together and discuss their pet theories on every time a blood member of E troupe dies. Either what made them live so long, or what was the cause of their early demise.

JANE GOODALL - What discoveries did your Strina make about you and the rest of E Troupe?

SHREDDY - She discovered that eating whole grains kills us young. Sounds counter intuitive, however her observational methodology was so thorough that I have been following her advice since she explained to me the whole grain death mechanism.

JANE GOODALL - She discovered a couple of things about you that changed your life.

SHREDDY - That she did. She figured out that the anti-depressant Zoloft was not doing me any good. When I lost my cousin to a landmine during the war in Croatia, I fell into a deep depression that lasted over 16 years. My weight ballooned from 170 pounds to 250 pounds. I started watching what I ate and I was down to 200 pounds when I was visiting Tinj. She felt that I should give going off of Zoloft a try and that somehow it did not work with my body chemistry.

JANE GOODALL - She made an even more startling discovery about you Shreddy.

SHREDDY - That Marijuana was good for me. My cousin that was killed by the landmine used to tell my aunt about my hobby as a child/young teen. Building bombs and blowing things up. She noticed that as I remained in Croatia, I was getting more diabolical by the minute, and she linked my diabolical behavior to the absence of marijuana. She realized that I had ADHD, and that when I felt someone or something stood in the way of my inner peace. I wanted to deal with that person or thing in a manner I felt appropriate.

JANE GOODALL - She noticed that your Great-Great-Grandfather's attitude was hard wired. She had figured out that the marijuana calmed you and helped you focus your energies on productive purposes other than dealing appropriately with individuals who are enemies of the human race.

SHREDDY - What I found most interesting was how my Troupe was observing me. Specifically they liked to watch me walk, and they used bait to see my reactions around the bait. Some would say using bait destroys the objectivity of your observations.

JANE GOODALL - They were testing their own hypotheses about you. They wanted to watch you eat, they fed you chicken soup and they did not put the pepper shaker on the table.

SHREDDY- I asked immediately for the pepper shaker prior to even tasting the food. However they did not treat this as an insult as my grandfather whom I had never met had exactly the same behavior. My father didn't exhibit the same behavior and the knew that this trait of mine was genetically hardwired. they also got their thrills out of watching me eat.

JANE GOODALL - I hope you didn't gulp your food like you did in your undergraduate days.

SHREDDY - No, I ate at a glacially slow pace. I figured about 25% of the speed of the rest of my family. Again they knew this behavior was hard wired from grandpa.

JANE GOODALL - To think that your family playing baiting games with pepper resulted in this fine back that I am grooming now.

SHREDDY - Hard to believe, but E Troupes pepper observations gave me the first hints at what degree we are able to control our own genetic codes. I was getting ready to visit B Troupe in Herzegovina, and my world as I knew it was about to be torn to pieces.

JANE GOODALL - You saw your Ujko.

SHREDDY - Yes. I saw my Ujko, and I also saw myself. here was the most physically perfect specimen of a man in his 70s I had ever seen in my life. He was far more similar to me than either of my parents and I was more similar to him than any of his children. He had the body of the Greek God Adonis, and I looked like the Pillsbury Boy.

JANE GOODALL - Hold still Shreddy. I see a shadow casting spaghetti snake. If this one can achieve a height over 1 centimeter, Melinda Gates will buy us Rhodesia.

To be continued.