The Bridal Sack Pact

Deep down I am more exited about visiting Serbia the Country than I could ever get about visiting Croatia the Country.

I live on Vancouver Island the home of Wikkaninish Beach & Clayquot sound. In my opinion far more breathtaking scenery than anything Croatia has to offer. I can see being fixated on the limestone rising out of the turquoise Adriatic sea for the coastal island group with the red brick tile roofs of the houses. Each island is a miniature abstract of the Croatian flag. However if one saw the mirrored glass surface of Clayquot sound with the distortion of reflected light on the smooth as glass water set against a the granite islands. Each reflected image is a distorted abstract of the universe. My apologies to any Croatian I have offended but if they saw Clayquot sound and Wikkaninish Beach, provided they could either hear, smell or see they would be in agreement with me.

My biggest reason for visiting Serbia is that I am in love. Not with a Serbian woman but with a Bosanka (Bosnian woman). To me she is almost perfect. We have conversations about art and she doesn't have to fake it. We have conversations about abstract ideas instead of people and things, and she does not get mad at me. She can bake Bosnian Pita and I can bake Croatian Bread. She wants to train to do a chin up. We would be the perfect match made in heaven except that to give me what I desire most a biological child, she would pay far too heavy a price. My intuition tells me she is as fond of me as I am of her and its almost as if we show our affection for one another by making a conscious effort to keep a healthy distance while remaining the dearest of friends.

We have devised a game. She is a wizard at statistics, human nature and economics who knows that random chance is an event that we can influence. So we figure out scenarios where statistically I have a higher probability of meeting a near ideal match who can give me what I want most, a biological child. She issues me a dare to place myself as the proverbial lure in the water where I might meet Miss Right. If I don't meet Miss Right while fulfilling the dare, she bakes me some potato and onion pita, then we devise the next dare.

If during the course of one of my dares I meet Miss Right, get married to her and have a child, my friend would become the Godmother. I can end this game and claim my friend that I am in love with in either of two ways. The first way to earn her willing acquiescence to my Bridal Sack is that I fulfill every dare that is issued this year and exceed the threshold for each dare. The second way that she has agreed is if I showed up at her bedroom window with my Bridal Sack as she lives on high floor of a high-rise condominium. She knows I am more than capable of climbing to her balcony, but she knows the final 6 yard traverse to her bedroom window is what would most likely kill me.

So what is my ideal woman?

1> Someone who can speak either Serbian or Croatian and English.

2> Someone who wants a baby.

3> Someone who can give me a reason why they can count to a number other than 5 on one hand.

4> Someone who believes in the healthy body healthy mind creed and is willing to train for a chin up.

5> Someone who can have a conversation about art without faking it.

6> Someone that can make either Pita of Banitsa (Serbian version).

My friend has me placed in Belgrade and Zagreb, two cities that have been hammered economically. In the case of Zagreb the global credit crunch is causing economic hardship. For Belgrade, years of economic sanctions combined with US bombing have made the Serbian economy a fraction of what it was in 1990. For a young professional woman in either of these two cities, Canada plus Shreddy can be a tempting alternative.

I am off on an adventure and a bridal hunt. I am in the best physical condition in my life at 44 and nowhere near my athletic peak. Hopefully I will find the woman who can join me and we can peak together. But then again, I am in Serbia where they allow climbers to traverse the exterior walls of Belgrade's ancient fortress, the Kalemegdan. It might just be that Serbia is the place that I learn to survive the final 6 meters.