(Shreddy is walking around the wasteland to the north of his ancestral village Tinj looking for the ruins of the Church of Saint Peter. This building was built 300 years ago and it was here that Stjepan Erlic the first known ancestor of Shreddy was married to Cvita Cirjack. All Erlic's except for the crew that Shreddy found in Targoviste were found to descend from this union. Shreddy rounds a corner and sees the ruins of the Church of Saint Peter. Much to his surprise Bogdan the master of disguise for the Pink Panthers the worlds foremost crew of jewel thieves from the Serbian city of Nis is meditating amidst the ruins)
SHREDDY - "Bogdan what are you doing here? You know my village is not the safest place for a Serb."
BOGDAN - "I was walking through the village and a farmer driving a tractor asked me who I was. I responded back in the 1958 Titoist Benkovac dialect and they just figured that I descend from on of the Villagers who fled these parts 52 years ago."
SHREDDY - "Did they ask you were you married?"
BOGDAN - "Of course they did. They told me that they can find me a good wife amongst the Bosankas that now reside in Benkovac."
SHREDDY - "I had a similar answer in Belgrade when they asked me how I learned to speak Serbian so well. I just told them my Mothers maiden name and they offered to find me a good wife."
BOGDAN - "They could barely understand a word that i said so they suggested a Bosanka for me. I guess I would have in-laws that make such good rakija (brandy) that it would not matter if they understood anything that I said."
SHREDDY - "So what brings you to these parts?"
BOGDAN - "I am here to offer you a deal. We know how much it breaks your heart when you see the rot and corruption that has infested Zagreb."
SHREDDY - "The thought of that den of thieves gives me an anxiety attack. I have been a non-smoker for 46 days, but whenever I think of Zagreb I want to light a cigarette."
BOGDAN - "We have liberated over one billion Euros worth of diamonds from various bourgeoisie pigs throughout the world. We need a safe place to stash our haul, so we had a council of Panthers and we could not think of a safer place on this planet to stash the loot than your village."
SHREDDY - "Well quid pro quo, what say so?"
BOGDAN - "Well here is the deal. We busted out three dead individuals from their souls eternal resting places Hell, the Purgatory, Heaven and kidnapped one living man. If you allow us to stash the diamonds in Tinj, we will leave one of these individuals behind to help you clean up Zagreb."
SHREDDY - "You know my luck with blind dates, I would like to know who have you got to offer."
(Shreddy hears some rustling in the bushes and sees Stipe Mesic the former President of Croatia walking towards him)
SHREDDY - "What the conjugative verb are you doing here you thieving individual who applies suction to a phallus."
BOGDAN - "Shreddy, don't insult our intelligence. That is not Stipe Mesic, it is Aleksandar Jovanovic our master painter. He penetrated the final layer of hell to spring someone out in the Panther sack."
ALEKSANDAR - "Hello Shreddy. Bogdan made me aware that you know where to find us but you refuse to betray our location no matter what the reward is. Also that you would risk your own life and safety to protect us, so as a man of honour I risked my life to help you."
(Aleksandar opens his Panther sack and the tortured form of the late Franjo Tudman, first President of the Republic of Croatia falls out of the sack. Franjo Tudman sees that he is no longer in hell and he sees that there are some rocks that have not been cemented to the ruins of the church and he starts shoving the rocks in his pockets)
SHREDDY - "Franjo, how does it feel to be in the final layer of hell?"
FRANJO TUDMAN - "It sucks Shreddy. Everything is nailed to the ground and I can't steal anything. I don't have my trusty tape recorder so I don't have the foggiest clue as to which of my many persona had an idea. I would do anything to get out of that place."
SHREDDY - "Answer me this question, and depending upon your answer the Panthers might secure your freedom."
FRANJO TUDMAN - "As I said I would do anything to get out of the final layer of hell."
SHREDDY - "If the Panthers sprung you from hell, what would you be prepared to do to help me clean up the corruption in Zagreb?"
FRANJO TUDMAN - "I would steal absolutely everything that is not nailed to the ground. Wealth corrupts, and if I left Croatia hungry and destitute there would be no corruption as there would be no means available to corrupt anybody."
SHREDDY - "I see that you still worship Mammon, and haven't changed your ways. It saddens me when I see Croatians worshipping you as in my opinion that is a form of Satanism. While I am tempted to set you free so as to prevent the Croats that worship you from suffering eternal damnation, I know that you are such a vile form of evil that the bottom layer of hell is where you belong with Arkan, Gojko, & Slobodan."
FRANJO TUDMAN - "Arkan moved out a couple of weeks ago and I have no clue where he is. Slobodan is my next door neighbour and he hates the place as much as I do. Gojko periodically gets sent to the layers of hell for greed and gluttony but he generally resides on a lava flow about 100 meters from the spike that I am impaled on."
SHREDDY - "Aleksandar if you could please kindly return this vile creature to the spike that he is impaled on, and do everything in your power to make sure that he cannot escape."
ALEKSANDAR - "As you wish Shreddy. You don't have to worry about him leaving as the only way to escape hell is to either get sprung by the Pink Panthers, or have God grant a miracle when a person prays to Tudman. I was playing poker with God last week and he told me that he will grant a miracle to a prayer to Tudman the day hell freezes."
(Aleksandar pistol whips Tudman knocking him unconscious and places Tudman back in the Panther Sack. He does a standing back flip and vaults over the wall of Saint Peters Church and disappears. A moment later Jadranka Kosor rounds the corner and Shreddy takes one look at her and goes into a state of paralysis. Bogdan smiles, as he knows that the Jadranka Kosor costume he designed has the effect of Medusa's gaze. He pulls some smelling salts and revives Shreddy)
BOGDAN - "I introduce to you Jovan Milanovic, our reconnaissance specialist."
JOVAN - "Dobar Dan (Good Day) Shreddy. It is a pleasure to finally meet you. Sorry that we used you as a guinea pig for our Medusa weapon, but the thought that we could rob the European Central Bank without using any physical force is very appealing."
SHREDDY - "So who did you spring from the purgatory to possibly help me clean up Croatia?"
(Jovan opens his Panther Sack and out tumbles Vjekoslav Luboric )
SHREDDY - "What on earth are you doing in the purgatory? I thought that you would be sent to hell for your performance during 1945."
VJEKOSLAV - "I suspected that I would be sent to hell forever, but I was too bad-ass for that place, and God was worried that the fear of me would empty hell out. So he figured the best place for me was the purgatory forever."
SHREDDY - "How would you go about cleaning up the mess in Zagreb?"
VJEKOSLAV - "I would use bait to catch the bandit then torture a confession out of him. Afterwards I would have a Franciscan read him his last rights and I would slit the bandits throat with my dagger on HR TV1 live. Then we could have a party and everybody could get drunk. We would make it a weekly event."
SHREDDY - "I feel uncomfortable that there is no due process. One man playing judge, jury and executioner is just plain wrong."
VJEKOSLAV - "How about I get the man that threw the live pregnant cat out of a window in Zagreb shattering its pelvis to be my torturer. That way all I have to do is be the executioner. I can dress in my Sunday best and dispatch the corrupt government official."
SHREDDY - "Vjekoslav, I am sorry. While I think your heart is in the right place I feel uncomfortable with your methods. You need more time in the purgatory to mellow out, so Jovan if you can please take Mr. Luboric back to where he belongs."
(Vjekoslav does the Ustasha salute and politely hops back into the Panther sack. Jovan does a standing back-flip and disappears from Saint Peters Church. Afterwards, Marshall Tito walks around the corner and appears before Shreddy)
SHREDDY - "Marshall Tito, it is an honour to meet you."
(Marshall Tito chuckles and pulls off his mask and reveals that he is not Marshall Tito)
BOGDAN - "I kindly introduce to you Ratko Simulic, our engineering expert. He has worked the art of smashing concrete walls with stolen Rolls Royces into a science. If a Serb didn't build it Ratko can find a way to destroy it."
SHREDDY - "Ratko Bre."
RATKO - "Howdy Shreddy. I got someone really special in the bag for you. A Croat who was betrayed by Franjo Tudman and Gojko Susak thereby earning Franjo and Gojko a place in hell."
(Ratko opens the panther sack and out rolls Blaz Kraljevic, the leader of the HOS militia that was fighting to keep Bosnia & Herzegovina intact)
BLAZ - "What is this place?"
SHREDDY - "You are standing amongst the ruins of the Church of Saint Peter in the Village of Tinj. Do you know that this was a dualist church with one entrance consecrated for Orthodox Christians and another entrance Consecrated for Catholics. It was a dualist building that recognizes that only a schism separates the faith of the Croatians from the faith of the Serbs."
BLAZ - "Why am I here?"
SHREDDY - "Do you have any idea of what has been happening in Croatia since August of 1992, when you were murdered by the orders of Tudman & Susak?"
BLAZ - "I have absolutely no idea of what has been going on in Croatia? Who won the war?"
SHREDDY - "The profiteers did. They killed 250,000 people so that they could line their own pockets. The Serbian people, and the Croatians both Muslim and Catholic suffered. In fact the Muslim Croatians were so sickened by their betrayal that they no longer consider themselves Muslim Croatians but Bosniaks."
BLAZ - "Thank God I did not have to watch what has become of my people."
SHREDDY - "Bogdan & Ratko, I know this man has a clean conscious and that he would be the best ally for cleaning up this mess, however he has suffered enough by the hand of his own people. He has earned the eternal reward of being insulated from the madness. He deserves to be living by Gods side in perpetual bliss. I could never live with myself if you left him to the vipers in Zagreb."
BLAZ - "Thank you Shreddy. I suspect that if I was assigned to help you I would fall into a deep depression when In see what has become of my people."
(Ratko opens up his Panther Sack and Blaz Kraljevic climbs in. Ratko does a standing back flip over the wall and disappears)
SHREDDY - "Bogdan I appreciate all that you have done for me. It appears that Croatia has too big a mess for any two human beings to clean up. You have my blessing to stash 1 billion Euros worth of diamonds in Tinj. However I cannot guarantee the safety of the stones as the local Tinj Torcida crew might get drunk, find the stash and then decide to fire the diamonds with their slingshots into the minefields that ring the village."
BOGDAN - "If the kids want to get drunk and shoot the diamonds into random spots in the mind fields, that is their business. We don't want these blood stones hitting the market as more than enough suffering has been endured by innocent people for these evil glassified pieces of coal. Hell if the kids want to pulverize them with sledgehammers and add it as gizzard grit to the chicken food is fine with us Panthers."
SHREDDY - "Then as head of the Brkanjci Clan, you have my blessing to stash the rocks in Tinj as I know here nobody would give a flying hoot about those pieces of glass."
BOGDAN - You forget that we have a fourth person to help you. He is 72 years old, and we kidnapped him from Milan Italy. His village in Herzegovina hit some hard times during the economic crisis, so they drew lots as to who had to go to Milan Italy and work as a men's underwear model to support the town.
(Bogdan opens his Panther Sack and out tumbles a man with a body like that sported by Brad Pitt in the movie Fight Club. He looks like he is thirty years old and he is wearing tidy whities)
BOGDAN - "I kindly introduce to you Cetko the Herzegovian."
CETKO - "Somebody get me some clothes, this draft is going to kill me......"
SHREDDY - "Cetko do you fear anything?"
CETKO - "I am a pure blooded Herzegovian. I fear nothing but drafts (Prohpuv), germs and masturbating monkeys. Four or five shots of rakija (brandy) and I will stare down Satan himself."
(Shreddy reaches into his bag of tricks and pulls out a freshly ironed white shirt, a black pair of slacks, black wool socks, a pair of black vintage Doc Martens, a black sweater, black leather gloves, a black preppie Coat, a black toque and finally a black pair of Oakley Gascans. Cetko puts on the clothing and looks at Shreddy)
CETKO - "We look like twins. Are you gay Shreddy?"
SHREDDY - "No Cetko, I am not gay. I am a Canadian Citizen who just happens to be so polite that it seems that way. I am looking for a partner to take part in a crazy adventure. I can't guarantee you anything, but I assure you I am up for getting into some serious trouble."
CETKO - "Serious Trouble? Hmmm, being pure blooded Herzegovian I live for trouble."
SHREDDY - "Zagreb is rotten to the core. We have too big a mess here for a thousand human being to clean up. However you and I together can take one ass-hole at a time and make him wish that they had never been born."
CETKO - "All it would take is just one pure blooded Herzegovian woman to make an ass-hole wish he had never been born. Leave the clean up job to her, I have some theories and hypothesis that I want to test. By the way do you have a cigarette, and I don't mean a counterfeit Montenegrin Marlboro."
SHREDDY - "Sorry Cetko but I don't smoke."
(Cetko covers his buttocks with his hands and stares menacingly at Shreddy)
CETKO - "Are you sure Shreddy that you are not gay?"
SHREDDY - "I am as straight as a pin. My fashion sense comes as a side effect of a natural herbal medicine that I eat as part of my bodies rejuvenation process. I can spot knock off from 100 meters, plus I have almost gained the ability to think when required like a woman."
CETKO - "You know that there is not one single gay in all of Herzegovina. Go to Zagreb or Split, 20% are gay. I could smell it."
SHREDDY - "I too am of pure West Herzegovian bloodlines. My Y Chroma-zone comes from the vicinity of Siroki Brijeg, and my X comes from Ljubuski."
CETKO - "OK you have proven to me that you are not gay. Do any of your bloodlines come from Zagreb or Split?"
SHREDDY - "Heaven forbid no. My DNA analysis tells me that I am of pure Illyric Blood"
CETKO - "So your ancestors did not learn how to do filthy things from the monkeys by the Black Sea?"
SHREDDY - "For 20,000 years my ancestors could not comprehend that there was anything east of the Carpathian Mountains" (Chetko offers his right hand to Shreddy, and they shake hands)
CETKO - "Partners in mischief"
SHREDDY - "Partners in mischief"
(Bogdan opens a gold box. In it are two pills that give an individual Panther Powers. Shreddy takes one pill, Cetko takes the other pill. Cetko pulls out a bottle of rakija (brandy) and Shreddy and Cetko wash them down with the brandy)
BOGDAN - "One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small, and the pills that the Panthers give you, grant the power to do all"
SHREDDY - "I just hope I don't see white mice talking backwards"
to be continued....
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