CETKO - "It has been 15 minutes since you ate my sister's Kolac (pastry), when we get behind some trees where there is no wind, I will want to examine your arm again on the spots that I have bruised you"
(Shreddy removes his black coat and sweater revealing that the bruises have healed. What visible damage that normally would have taken two days to heal is gone in 15 minutes).
CETKO - "Put your sweater and coat on before you catch a draft. The Panther Power of achieving an enhanced anabolic cellular state from refined carbohydrates is amazing. I think we can have fun with your ability to grow prosthetic makeup."
SHREDDY - "Bogdan told me you were kidnapped from Milan, you seem relatively clueless about fashion for someone kidnapped from Milan."
CETKO - "Firstly, I was not kidnapped from Milan but liberated from Milan. The Panthers rescued me. Second the whole Milan experience was so traumatic that I was blind drunk for every waking moment. How Kate Moss brought in the look called "Heroin Chique", they were using me to make the ideal male more masculine , it was going to be called "Herzegovian Heism". Did you know that Milan if full of gays, and you have to be really careful when leaving any building as there are masturbating monkeys living along the roof-lines. You have to be careful not to look at them because if the monkey semen lands in your eyes you go permanently blind."
SHREDDY - "And what of your village, how are you helping them through the crisis? Where do they get their remittances from?"
CETKO - "They figured out that they qualify for unemployment benefits from the Republic of Croatia. Also the Panthers staged my death in a automobile accident, so there was a large payout of "alleged insurance money" to every household, with the biggest payout to my sister who never was able to get married."
SHREDDY - "Something smells funny about the transaction. It sounds like insurance fraud. How can we be corruption fighters if our relationship gets off on the wrong foot?"
CETKO - "Pay attention to my words young man. Alleged insurance money does not mean money that was defrauded from an insurance company. When the Panthers do a heist of a Jewelery Store or Diamond Exchange they are only after the stones or watches. The staff of the establishment in the panic collect the Euros that are sitting in the cash register, and counter safes and hand over the contents without so much as being asked for them. They collected over 3 million Euros that way and they showed me the surveillance tapes to prove that the money was not proceeds of crime, but rather donations by the jewelers of Europe."
SHREDDY - "So your sister and village are well taken care of?"
CETKO - "Very well taken care of as am I, because I made the Panthers pay me a 15% commission. They are planning on erecting a statue of me in the center of my village, and I will be commemorated as a hometown hero."
SHREDDY - "Your poor sister."
CETKO - "What do you mean? she received almost 1.2 million Euros. She is no longer burdened by having to cook and clean for me. She might even be able to catch a husband. She is 58 but keeps herself real well. She can get a 35 year old Bosanac if she desires."
SHREDDY - "If you didn't work her to an early death baking Kolace (cakes) for your funeral party. Do you know how many Kolace do you have in your bag of tricks?"
(Cetko looks in his bag. Inside a magical climate controlled pantry with cases of Kolace all lovingly prepared hygienically wrapped and placed on storage racks. Each Kolac representing the loving work of his never married 58 year old sister.)
CETKO - "We have enough refined carbohydrate here to keep us fueled for years. As long as I have to beginnings of your digestive track left, I should given enough time, be able to completely regenerate you Shreddy. Good, we have lots of Herzegovian potato and onion pita. I can do some serious drinking."
SHREDDY - "So what have you figured out about you limitations Cetko?"
CETKO - "I am immensely stronger but my ability to withstand damage has only been increased as so much that it is reflective of my feat of strength. For throwing a heavy boulder great distances, my ligaments and joint strength has increased correspondingly. However if you hit me in the stomach Shreddy, I would heal like a normal 72 year old Herzegovian."
SHREDDY - "If we want to become terrorists, it seems we are almost omnipotent. However as corruption fighters we have real limitations as to the scope of our Panther Powers."
CETKO - "There you go sounding like a sissy. In one quick surgical blow we can clean up a dozen of the worst assholes permanently. It would not be like they didn't have it coming to them."
SHREDDY - "I mean consider our enchanted Oakley Gascans. Depending on the context that we use them, we are either corruption fighters using a mild but effective form of moral suasion to show a corrupt individual that there is a better way called honesty, transparency and a duty to exercise common sense. On the other hand we can become assassins, where we publicly humiliate an individual with our gaze weapon to such a degree that the individual commits suicide rather than be known as the person who peed and pooed themselves so savagely in front of their perceived peers. Or we become terrorists by sitting in Maximir stadium together wearing our sunglasses, and having the TV camera do a closeup of us. Provided it is a Dinamo vs Hajduk game we can have 30% of the entire population of Croatia crap their pants."
CETKO - "Well it seems that the power of the enchanted Oakley Gascans is based upon timing, scope and context. We have either a nasty prank that we can use at a party, or we have potentially the greatest weapon of mass destruction ever produced."
SHREDDY - "Or the ability to create a mass consciousness shifting event that can make the world a better place for everybody."
CETKO - "Stop talking like a fag. Where is your car?"
(Shreddy & Cetko round a corner where they come upon Shreddy's rental Peugeot 207 Sports Model in green with a glass roof)
CETKO - "You call that a car. What kind of a Hezegovian are you? It's not a Mercedes Benz, and it is not black. You should have told me that it was a roller skate."
SHREDDY - "Cetko this vehicle has served me well. I have managed to see half of Croatia in it American style, going by my own schedule. It has been more than adequate for my needs, and it is far better than you getting yourself killed trying to craft a Yugo for our journey."
CETKO - "At least you are allowing me to drink and smoke during the journey."
SHREDDY - "Don't worry Cetko, whenever I see the look on your face I will pull over to the side of the road so that you can get out."
CETKO - "I need to get extremely drunk for this journey because your behavior so reminds me of my unmarried sister."
(Cetko opens and consumes 6 50ml bottles of Zuta Osa Sljivovica that his cousin picked up for him in Banja Luka. He smokes 4 Marlboro cigarettes while practicing his deep breathing to relax before the car drive. He turns to Shreddy).
CETKO - "Are you aware that if one out of every four cars is being driven by a woman. One out of four women will be projecting the "calling all Herzegovian men to their hiding places" feeling. Your innate Herzegovian desire to want to hide will be magnified immensely. We better go find the village priest and have confession before we start this journey"
to be continued.
0 comments:
Post a Comment