Playing God's Apprentice Part 5b - Genetics, an Interview With Jane Goodall

(the scene opens with Professor Jane Goodall having successfully squeezed a blackhead out of Shreddy's back that was massive enough to cast its own shadow. Professor Goodall is about to perform the cheer and dance she performs for the Cambridge University men's Heavy Eights)


JANE GOODALL - Darn Shreddy, it cast a shadow but it was only 7.2 millimeters long. Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh Cambridge! The Chimpees have raised another $5 million. I have a problem with people making human to chimpanzee comparisons.

SHREDDY - As do I Lady Jane. Comparing a human to a chimpanzee is generally insulting to the chimpanzee. People have this misconception that we evolved from chimpanzees when in fact we evolved from a common ancestor. Chimpanzees are our cousins and in many ways their brains are far more advanced than ours.

JANE GOODALL - Short term memory is one area where chimpanzees have an innate advantage over human beings. In tests of repeating 15 random alphanumeric digits back in order from a touch-pad, a six year old chimpanzee handily beats a PhD in Mathematics. Swinging from branches their minds conceptualization of space is less abstract but far more detailed manner than we do.




SHREDDY - Is it easier for you to search and destroy if I flex my latissimus dorsi for you?

JANE GOODALL - If you just move your head forward I think I can detect unnaturally symmetrical spots better. Most people would find it quite odd that your initial interest in your own genetics was completely concerned with your X matriarchal line.

SHREDDY - If one is male, it is within your matriarchal line that all the clues for ones own potential genetic train-wrecks lies. Take my own case, male pattern baldness, a recessive gene that is passed on from mother to son. Hiatus Hernia is another recessive gene I inherited from mom. It was when I was discussing my experience with the disorder, and how it spontaneously seemed to reverse itself with my Ujko (bloodline male relative mothers side) that the pepper baiting that E Troupe had performed all came into context.

JANE GOODALL - Your mother's older brother had to have his esophagus reconstructed with a very invasive surgery, and you were being considered for the same operation at the same age that he was when he had his problem. However at that time you experienced a major stress event in your life and that stress was a catalyst for a spontaneous change.

SHREDDY - For no apparent reason I had started eating very slowly and putting obscene amounts of black pepper on anything I could. It was eleven years later while having a discussion with my Ujko that I realized that during my body's natural replenish/replacement process a different gene that I had inherited from my father became active and a gene that was initially active and inherited from my mother became inactive. A dramatic change in my environment gave rise to a inherited hardwired behavior that led to a physiological change manifesting itself as a spontaneous cure of my Hiatus Hernia.

JANE GOODALL - Saved you from having to have your stomach muscles cut and your ribcage sawed open. Your 72 year old uncle has a torso that could sell $200 designer undershirts. Imagine if he hadn't had that invasive surgery, his could have been the oldest torso in the world modeling water.

SHREDDY - Lady Jane, do you miss Professor Leaky?

JANE GOODALL - I don't miss him as much as I miss the male attention. He did a wonderful job of imitating a troglodyte when he was randy. Hold still for a second Shreddy, on your right trapezius is a bump. I sure hope that we can find a spaghetti shadow caster that is more than a centimeter long, just think if we can buy Rhodesia and turn it into a chimpanzee preserve.

SHREDDY - Have you considered suggesting Rwanda as an alternate country for Melinda Gates to purchase for the Chimpees? It has more unspoiled chimpanzee habitat.

JANE GOODALL - At one time Rhodesia was the breadbasket of Sub-Saharan Africa. It was all nice tidy farms like in England. Then they became Zimbabwe, and everything went downhill from there. The country is available to purchase for a fire-sale price. To buy Rwanda we would have to get Oprah on board and the next thing you know Dr. Phil will be giving the chimpanzees self esteem issues.

to be continued

Playing God's Apprentice Part 5a - Genetics, an Interview With Jane Goodall

(the scene opens with Bogdan the master of disguise for the Pink Panthers, the worlds greatest jewel thieves walking into Shreddy's study. Much to his shock he finds Shreddy lying face down on the floor shirtless wearing only gi pants, with Professor Jane Goodall straddling his naked back)


BOGDAN - Shreddy, what on earth are you doing with your shirt off? Lady Jane, what in God's name are you doing straddling Shreddy's naked back? Have you two both lost your minds?

SHREDDY - We are both very sane right now. We are doing this to raise funds for the Jane Goodall Institute. We were getting tired of waiting for the Panthers to hit the European Central Bank.

JANE GOODALL - See that webcam over there Bogdan? Melinda Gates and a couple of her girlfriends are watching on the other end. They are watching me groom Shreddy. For every blackhead I find on his back, $1million gets donated to the Jane Goodall Institute.

SHREDDY - If the blackhead is big enough to cast its own shadow, and Lady Jane does the dance she does every time Cambridge beats Oxford.

JANE GOODALL - $5 million gets donated to the Jane Goodall Institute.

BOGDAN - I hope you two haven't mated. I know a nice Serbian girl for you Shreddy. She is my niece Jovanka. She is so strong that she can pull an Ursus tractor out of the mud holding the chain in her teeth.

JANE GOODALL - Shreddy and I have not mated. This is strictly platonic. I let him look in my eyes, and he realized that there is one thing in the world he wants more than me.

BOGDAN - The Hope Diamond?

SHREDDY - I want a biological child

JANE GOODALL - I am turning 76, and I can't give Shreddy a baby. What about that statuesque Czech lady you had lunch with yesterday? She can do chin ups, and she is of White Slav genetic stock, plus she is 24 years old.

SHREDDY - Really nice girl, however she can't answer the most important question of all. What number can you count to on one hand.

JANE GOODALL - She said 5 didn't she.

SHREDDY - Yes

JANE GOODALL - Just hold still for a second Shreddy my eyesight is not what it used to be. This might hurt,,, a shadow caster, a shadow caster, OoH, OoH, OoH, OoH the Chimpees made $5 million dollars. Good work Shreddy. Now it's time for you to explain the role of Strinas (aunts father's side not related by blood in E Troupe)

SHREDDY - In E troupe, the Strinas play the role of Lady Jane. Since they are not of E troupe blood, they have a degree of objectivity while observing E Troupe that no other people have.

JANE GOODALL - They provide a reference point for deciphering your own genetic code. Since they are not blood relatives, when you see your cousins who are their offspring, and you see your Strina's physical traits in your cousin.

SHREDDY - I can reasonably conclude that in all likelihood those traits are not part of my genetic map. When I meet my cousins, cousins who are related through them on their mothers side I get further corroboration that these traits are not part of the genetic set I am gifted/cursed with.

JANE GOODALL - From what you are telling me figuring out your genetic code has as high a degree of elimination involved as observation.

SHREDDY - Precisely. There are certain mutations that exist in my genetic set that I am able to conclude that I have by observing those traits in my cousins and further corroborating my observation by observing the lack of the same traits in their cousins who are not related to me.

JANE GOODALL - Can you elaborate the Lady Jane role that Strinas play in E Troupe?

SHREDDY - They are the sages of the Troupe. They like to get together and discuss their pet theories on every time a blood member of E troupe dies. Either what made them live so long, or what was the cause of their early demise.

JANE GOODALL - What discoveries did your Strina make about you and the rest of E Troupe?

SHREDDY - She discovered that eating whole grains kills us young. Sounds counter intuitive, however her observational methodology was so thorough that I have been following her advice since she explained to me the whole grain death mechanism.

JANE GOODALL - She discovered a couple of things about you that changed your life.

SHREDDY - That she did. She figured out that the anti-depressant Zoloft was not doing me any good. When I lost my cousin to a landmine during the war in Croatia, I fell into a deep depression that lasted over 16 years. My weight ballooned from 170 pounds to 250 pounds. I started watching what I ate and I was down to 200 pounds when I was visiting Tinj. She felt that I should give going off of Zoloft a try and that somehow it did not work with my body chemistry.

JANE GOODALL - She made an even more startling discovery about you Shreddy.

SHREDDY - That Marijuana was good for me. My cousin that was killed by the landmine used to tell my aunt about my hobby as a child/young teen. Building bombs and blowing things up. She noticed that as I remained in Croatia, I was getting more diabolical by the minute, and she linked my diabolical behavior to the absence of marijuana. She realized that I had ADHD, and that when I felt someone or something stood in the way of my inner peace. I wanted to deal with that person or thing in a manner I felt appropriate.

JANE GOODALL - She noticed that your Great-Great-Grandfather's attitude was hard wired. She had figured out that the marijuana calmed you and helped you focus your energies on productive purposes other than dealing appropriately with individuals who are enemies of the human race.

SHREDDY - What I found most interesting was how my Troupe was observing me. Specifically they liked to watch me walk, and they used bait to see my reactions around the bait. Some would say using bait destroys the objectivity of your observations.

JANE GOODALL - They were testing their own hypotheses about you. They wanted to watch you eat, they fed you chicken soup and they did not put the pepper shaker on the table.

SHREDDY- I asked immediately for the pepper shaker prior to even tasting the food. However they did not treat this as an insult as my grandfather whom I had never met had exactly the same behavior. My father didn't exhibit the same behavior and the knew that this trait of mine was genetically hardwired. they also got their thrills out of watching me eat.

JANE GOODALL - I hope you didn't gulp your food like you did in your undergraduate days.

SHREDDY - No, I ate at a glacially slow pace. I figured about 25% of the speed of the rest of my family. Again they knew this behavior was hard wired from grandpa.

JANE GOODALL - To think that your family playing baiting games with pepper resulted in this fine back that I am grooming now.

SHREDDY - Hard to believe, but E Troupes pepper observations gave me the first hints at what degree we are able to control our own genetic codes. I was getting ready to visit B Troupe in Herzegovina, and my world as I knew it was about to be torn to pieces.

JANE GOODALL - You saw your Ujko.

SHREDDY - Yes. I saw my Ujko, and I also saw myself. here was the most physically perfect specimen of a man in his 70s I had ever seen in my life. He was far more similar to me than either of my parents and I was more similar to him than any of his children. He had the body of the Greek God Adonis, and I looked like the Pillsbury Boy.

JANE GOODALL - Hold still Shreddy. I see a shadow casting spaghetti snake. If this one can achieve a height over 1 centimeter, Melinda Gates will buy us Rhodesia.

To be continued.

Playing God's Apprentice Part 5 - Genetics, an Interview With Jane Goodall

(the scene opens with our Heretic Shreddy in his study starting his morning with the British Columbia Breakfast of Champions, a bong hit. While coughing his head off on Pink Kush, Bogdan the master of disguise for the Pink Panthers gang of jewell thieves walks in dressed as Professor Jane Goodall)

SHREDDY - Good morning Bogdan, how are you doing this morning?

BOGDAN - Good morning Shreddy. You should put your bong away, besides who is Bogdan?

SHREDDY - I know it's you Bogdan, you should know by now that my bong sharpens my senses and helps me focus.

BOGDAN - I smell Kush. I haven't smelled kush since my Cambridge days, and some Indian students had it in their dorms. It made them dance uncontrollably. It's obvious to me that you are too wasted to recognize me, I am Valerie Jane Morris Goodall.

SHREDDY - Good job Bogdan, next you are going to tell me you were born on.

BOGDAN - April 3, 1934

SHREDDY - The name of the Chimpanzee that attacked you?

BOGDANn - Frodo. I can show you the scar over my right clavicle bone. See..

SHREDDY - Good try Bogdan. You even got the orientation of the scar perfect. However your eyes give you away. To be able to see ones own reflection in Jane Goodall's eyes is the most magical feeling a primate could ever experience, and your eyes gave you away.

BOGDAN - You must admit that we Panthers have a knack for make up.

SHREDDY - You guys are the best. I have a lot of respect for your accomplishments. However if you guys pull off a robbery dressed as Jane Goodall, I will be very angry with you.

BOGDAN - How angry would you get Shreddy?

SHREDDY - So angry that I would hunt down your gang, catch the parties who were dressed as Lady Jane, and hold them captive until they have completed reading all the books written by Franjo Tudman.

BOGDAN - That would be a fate worse than death. It is even drier reading than Mein Kampf. That would be enough to drive any thinking human being insane.

SHREDDY - You guys can pull off a robbery dressed as anyone with the sole exception being Lady Jane Goodall. Personally I liked your idea of robbing the European Central Bank dressed as Jadranka Kosor. The guards take one look at her hair, then they will be so busy shielding their eyes from Medusa's gaze that you guys would not have to use any violence at all to pull of the heist.

BOGDAN - Just to let you know Shreddy we were testing you. We Pink Panthers hold one human in such high regard that she is untouchable, Lady Jane Goodall. You know that we have been collecting all the loot that we have liberated from the bourgeoisie pigs, and our ultimate plan is to use all the money to buy an African country that we can ethnically cleanse, and create a sanctuary for the Chimpanzees. Someplace that they never have to worry about savages killing them for "bush-meat"

SHREDDY - If what you are telling me is true, I want to join the Pink Panthers.

BOGDAN - We are still unsure what we will do with a billions of Euros worth of diamonds. We will either buy an African country for the Chimpanzees, or we will get payback against some ignoramus who has desecrated a great work of art. Anyhow, I have brought someone over in the Panther Sack to help explain how you managed to get some idea of your own genetic code. I take great pleasure in bringing you Valerie Jane Morris Goodall




JANE GOODALL - Hello Shreddy.

SHREDDY - I am not worthy of meeting you Lady Jane. Thank you for coming to help me. Why are you wearing sunglasses?

JANE GOODALL - The Pink Panthers told me how highly you think of me. I am very aware that if you saw your reflection in my eyes, you would kidnap me and throw me into your bridal sack. If you got back to Tinj with me, even the Pink Panthers could not rescue me.

SHREDDY - What can I say other than you are the "Sexiest Woman Alive", Prrrrrrrr

JANE GOODALL - Thank you. I was made aware that you had the shock of your life when you visited Herzegovina and Croatia during the summer of 2008. What struck you as the most shocking?

SHREDDY - I noticed that my family in Herzegovina and Croatia had only a very slight resemblance to my parents and my siblings. That my father and mother looked very little like their brothers and sisters. That I and my five brothers looked more like certain respective aunts and uncles than we did like our parents.

JANE GOODALL - Do you have an explanation for your observation of why your parents and siblings are so different from the rest of your extended family?

SHREDDY - My parents, my siblings and myself would represent an isolated population that was separated from the main troupe of our extended families. We have the same genetic code however we grew up in a different environment. We ate different food, we interacted with our surroundings differently, and the confluence of these factors made my brothers and I different from the rest of our family.

JANE GOODALL - How did E Troupe react when they saw you?

SHREDDY - They were as amazed as I was. I had a very vague resemblance to them. I had my grandfather's hands, the gap between my top two incisor teeth from my great-great-grandmother, and eyebrows that if left un-groomed would make me look like Hellboy.

JANE GOODALL - What about your mother's troupe in Herzegovina? What was B Troupes reaction when they saw you?

SHREDDY - They were just as amazed as E Troupe was. My resemblance to B Troupe was very strong except they were all fit and athletic, and I was the 200 pound fat guy.

JANE GOODALL - You had not met any of these individuals until you were 43 years old. Having five brothers who are full genetic siblings should have given you an idea of what your own inherent genetic factors were. You had only met your father's older sister prior to your trip. You are aware that genetically you are as close to a true first cousin, or true aunt/uncle as you are singularly as close to either of your own parents.

SHREDDY - Of course I was aware of that. I had done a lot of research on Human genetics and I had my Y Chromazone subjected to the highest resolution scan possible. According to your Alma Mater, my Y Chromazone is the closest match to what they modeled as the father of the Illyrian tribes, I2a Dinaric, a fellow that lived in Bosnia 1,170 generations ago give or take 100 generations ago. The second I saw the Dinaric Alps, I felt a sense that I have never felt before. I said to hell with the instructions I got in Croatia on how to get to West Herzegovina, I trusted my instincts as some force drew me to a spot in Bosnia & Herzegovina, my true ancestral home.

JANE GOODALL - You made it to your mother's village a full 5 hours sooner than had you relied on the directions from the tourist bureau in Split.

SHREDDY - When have you ever heard of a Herzegovinian taking directions from a Croat?

JANE GOODALL - Other than when Tito was in power, that would be akin to a Bonabo asking a Troglodyte for sex pointers. What you had experienced Shreddy was hard wiring in action. Your ancestors lived in Bosnia & Herzegovina for 23,000 years, that land is you and you are that land. You had your entire world as you knew it shattered that afternoon. What happened?

SHREDDY - I met my mother's older brother for the first time in my life. The second I looked in his eyes I realized that I had been living in an illusion for 43 years.

JANE GOODALL - 43 years is a long time to be living within an illusion. That is almost as long as I spent living with the Chimpanzees.

SHREDDY - You know Lady Jane, I am in search of a mate. I could not think of a primate I would rather have grooming my back than you.

BOGDAN - Shreddy you insidious sneak. Anything to get Lady Jane's sunglasses off. I have been trying to get her to take off her sunglasses for 30 years.

JANE GOODALL - This is starting to get interesting. A Herzegovian and a Serb are both interested in me. I haven't felt this way since professor Leaky was chasing me around the forest doing a Troglodyte mating dance.

SHREDDY - If you become my grooming primate Lady Jane? Why the #@%^ did you throw Lady Jane back into the Panther Sack? Bogdan I really enjoy this woman's company.

BOGDAN - You know just what to say to a woman. We brought Lady Jane over to help you explain to the readers how to decipher their own genetics and behavior. You cannot get her to climb into your bridal sack and take her back to Tinj.

SHREDDY - But she would get along so well with my Strinas.

To be continued

Playing God's Apprentice Part 3b/4a - Diet/Environment Creating a 200 Pound Fat Guy

By now you should have figured out this piece is comprised of two parts. My journey from the 250 pound fat guy to the 200 pound fat guy which I have successfully completed. Then my journey from the 200 pound fat guy to the attainment of my inherent peak genetic potential, which is a work in process.

Dietary change comprised of two parts. The change in diet that made me lose 175,000 stored calories, and the change in diet that made me lose 105,000 stored calories and reconfigure my inherent physiology.

Going from a 250 pound fat guy to a 200 pound fat guy was a journey that was average daily metabolic rate minus 137 calories a day. To assist me in this journey I had help from two friends:

1> Club Soda

The all purpose inert beverage filler that helps mitigate the damage caused by fruit juice. Club soda has ZERO calories. Since 1970, the Average North American diet has added surplus calories and over 50% of the added calories that have been added are net beverage based calories. Back in 1970, people drank more milk than today, and the milk they drank was 3.25% to 3.5% butter fat whole milk at approximately 160 calories per 8 fluid ounce glass. Today very few people drink whole milk, and instead they drink 2% at 125 calories per 8 fluid ounce glass. Or 1% milk at 100 calories per 8 fluid ounce glass. Skim milk at 80 calories per 8 fluid ounce glass. Or finally if one is fashionably lactose intolerant, no milk.

Where do the surplus beverage calories come from? If the person is a slob, the calories come from sweetened soft drinks. If the person pretends to be health concious, the calories come from fruit juices and athletic drinks. In both cases, watering down your soda pop, fruit juice or athletic drink 50% with club soda should be sufficient to stabilize your weight.

2> CLA (Conjugated Linoleic Acid)

This is an essential fatty acid that humans used to have more of in their diet in the past than they have in their present diet. It came to us in our meat and dairy products through the rumination process. An animal ate a cellulose based food such as grass. Bacteria in the animals multiple stomachs ruminated the cellulose. The animals digestive system turned the ruminated cellulose into protein. We ate/drank the ruminating animals milk, blood or meat and we as humans got CLA in our diet.

Today things are different. The animals that we drink the milk of and eat the meat of have diets that are different from the diets they ate 40 years ago. In the past, cows ate grass. Today's cow's have a different diet than their ancestors did, they eat whole grains. End result eating the products created from today's cows gives us far less CLA in our diets than we got in the past.

CLA appears to operate by telling our brains that our stomachs are full. When I weighed 250 pounds I started taking CLA (3 grams per day, 27 additional calories), and I started watering down my fruit juices 50% with club soda. Three and a half years later with no conscious effort I had changed from the 250 pound fat man to the 200 pound fat man.

Environment & Exercise

Other than going for the odd walk here and there, I did not exercise to transform from the 250 pound fat man to the 200 pound fat man. I did it for a reason, my physician had told me that if I took up jogging at my impressive girth, I would have destroyed my knees, ankles and hips. No impact exercise until I hit 200 pounds, Doctor's orders.

There is only one way to lose weight and it is to have your body metabolize more energy than you make available for your body. This metabolism deficit can be accomplished by either; exercising more while keeping food intake constant; decreasing food intake while keeping exercise constant; or finally playing God with your own metabolic process (Atkins diet, South Beach Diet, etc).


There I am 18 months ago. The 200 pound fat guy thanks to a little help from my friends, Club Soda and CLA. I was no better than the 250 pound fat guy. I had gained the ability to sit comfortably in an economy class airline seat. I had lost the ability to live for four months off of only water and a multi-vitamin a day. I was nowhere near the ability to do a pull up.

I was ready to visit Herzegovina and Croatia for the first time ever. I was in for the shock of my life. The world as a knew it was going to be torn to pieces over the next few weeks, and I am still in the process of trying to put together my altered perceptions.



Me during November of 2000, weight 250+ pounds.

Playing God's Apprentice Part 3 (continued) - Diet

In the previous post I explained how my body attained an equilibrium state of perfection at age 31. I ate the equivalent of a small apple a day over my metabolic rate for a span of nine years.

The picture in part 3 was taken when my body had stabilized its size and it had spent four years integrating my neuro mechanical system to optimize its operations at a massive girth. The picture on the cover of the blog (doing a handstand inverted pike from a pair of stationary steel hoops) was taken at the end of last summer, four and a half years after I started losing my weight and one year after I started reintegrating my neuro mechanical system to my new bodily paradigm.

Both bodies were as perfect as one another. In the year 2000 photo I was optimized for carrying 280,000 stored calories. Based upon my activity level, my body could go if I had adequate water and a multi-vitamin a day 80 to 120 days without food. In the fall 2009 photo my body is half way through the re-optimization process for speed, agility & integrative compound muscle group strength. The work in process body can do assisted standing back flips, and it is nine years older than the body optimized for mass girth and stored fat survival.

Both body forms have their strengths and weaknesses. In my opinion neither body is better than the other. If I tried to do a handstand followed through with an inverted pike from my old body. My shoulder's would have disintegrated pulling myself up to the stationary steel hoops. Assuming I could arch my back into the handstand position my spine would have dislocated at almost every vertebrate. Getting into an inverted pike would have torn my rectus abdominus muscles in half, and the increased blood pressure to my brain would have killed me with an embolism. If I tried to live off of multi-vitamins and water with my new body, I would be dead in less than one month. The old body had a 5cm layer of insulator blubber, and it tolerated cold like an Inuit. The new body has maybe 3mm of insulator blubber and I swear a cold damp draft could kill me. I became physically no better. I simply became optimized for a different environment, yet I remained living in the same place.

When I was 35 years old, and weighed 250+ pounds I listened to the experts and the nutritionists. I got my recommended daily intake of nutrients and I made a point of consuming foods that the nutritionist experts told me were good for me. My physician told me when I was 39 that if I did not lose weight I would most likely be dead by age 50. He would not tell me how much weight I had to lose as he knew I would have told him where to go. He set a simple goal for me, lose 20 pounds and see how I felt. He told me to start going for walks, and he told me NOT TO RUN unless I could get my weight below 200 pounds. He explained to me that he was too fat at 180 pounds and he was my height. He was going to lose 20 pounds himself and he dared me to do the same. I was facing two choices, either accept my physicians dare or start sleeping with an oxygen mask life support system for sleep apnea. I took my physicians dare.

Stage 1 was the journey from a 250 pound fat man to a 200 pound fat man took three and a half years. The caloric math worked out as follows:

50 pounds overweight x 3,500 stored calories per pound = 175,000 surplus stored calories.

Days in three and a half years = 1,278 days

Caloric deficit required versus average daily metabolism = 137 calories per day

To go from a 43 inch waist to a 37 inch waist in three and a half years only required a caloric deficit of 137 calories per day. Assuming your weight is completely stabilized and does not fluctuate outside of a five pound band, losing 50 pounds in three and a half years requires burning a very small number of calories per day over your average daily metabolic rate.

If you are consuming sufficient calories per day to meet your average daily metabolic rate and your lifestyle does not change, your weight remains constant. The first step is to figure out what your average daily metabolic rate is. There are several calculators on the web where you input several factors such as your weight, age, height, activity level and body type. Based upon these factors, the calculator makes a best estimate of how many calories a day your body requires to remain at a stable weight. An important thing to note is that as your weight drops your average daily metabolic rate cetirus paribus (Latin for all other things being equal) drops as well. So the way to do it take your current weight and compute the average daily metabolic rate. Then you take your weight minus 20 pounds and compute your average daily metabolic rate. Take the average of these two numbers and subtract 137 calories. Cetirus paribus, if you can maintain this diet for seventeen months you will lose 20 pounds.

Reducing 137 calories a day is as simple as having:

1> 1 1/2 tablespoon per day reduction of trans fat free margarine or mayonnaise
2> 1 1/4 tablespoon reduction of olive oil per day
3> one ounce less whole grain per day
4> one and a half fewer small apples per day
5> one 6.5 ounce glass less of not from concentrate pure grape juice per day

The journey from a 250 pound fat man to a 200 pound fat man took three and a half years and the elimination of trace amounts of what the experts told me was good for me from my diet.

As I said earlier, Rome was not built in one day. To get your body to where it was took time. To take your body to where you want to have it and to be able to keep it that way will take time also. The funny thing I have noticed about the results that any experts have had with their diet plans, is the people who listen to the experts tend to look far worse five years later.

I am not an expert on nutrition. I am a raging heretic. However I know one thing for certain, I look and feel better five years later.

To be continued

Playing God's Apprentice Part 3 - Diet

You are what you eat. It is something I knew all of my life. I was the fat guy, but I got to the state of where I was eating quality food. It was always interesting being amongst other fat people because I very quickly realized that the types of bodies that fat people have are very different and each is a testament to the fine work they did to get themselves there.

The process of your body changing from a skinny person to a fat person usually follows four stages of progression almost like a disease. However there are some very notable exceptions where individuals can achieve a massive girth and only attain the first stage of fatness.

Stage 1 - Fat starts to deposit under the skin. You are consuming 120 calories a day more than your body requires. Mother nature has given us a wonderful tool called body fat that allows us to take the carbohydrate energy which has four calories per gram, and put it away for long term storage in the form of fat which has nine calories per gram. If your body is to lug around 120 calories of stored food, it is easier to move thirteen and a half grams of fat than it is to move 30 grams of carbohydrate.

Stage 2 - Fat starts to deposit around (inter) your muscles. You have been a diligent person and consumed 120 calories a day extra as a savings program. After placing 10 Kilograms of fat under your skin, your body starts to store the fat around your muscles. You start to develop the classic storage humps sort of like the human equivalent of a Dromedary Camel. For women it usually takes the form of booty padding, saddle bags (classic pear shape), and in extreme cases the Gorilla hump. For men it usually manifests itself as fat stores in a spare tire shape around the mid-section (apple shape), and in rare cases the gorilla hump.

Stage 3 - Fat starts to deposit around your organs in your body cavity. This is called visceral fat and this is the stuff that KILLS YOU. The way this fat snuffs your life is either of several ways:
1> It breaks down, oxidizes creating free radicals that alter the chemical balance around a organ, and abnormal cell creation takes place (Cancer)
2> It surrounds the organ impeding its functioning, and you develop diabetes, liver disease, kidney disease, or your heart is so surrounded in fat it just can't beat anymore and you have a heart attack.
3> It impedes the mobility of your torso, and you suffer a fall that had you been fit you would not have suffered. Thereafter your body decays quickly and you die.

Stage 4 - Fat starts to deposit within your muscles. You start to achieve intra-muscular marbling like a AAA cut of beef. At this point you are quite immobile, and you are lucky your body did not kill you at stage 3. If there was a natural disaster and people had to resort to cannibalism to survive. You are the first to be eaten as you would taste the best, and have the most tender meat. A skilled cannibal butcher could cut you into steaks in such a manner that the rest of the cannibals could eat fork tender human . The fat would act as a lubricant between the muscle strands. If you were cut perpendicular to the grain of your muscle fibres, you would have the consistency of tenderloin...

I myself hit spent most of my adulthood at the cusp between Stage 2 (inter muscular)/Stage 3 (visceral) fat. My maximum weight I hit was over 250 pounds which made me approximately 80 pounds overweight. I was ideal weight at age 22, 170 pounds, and by age 31 I weighed 250 pounds then my weight plateaued for eight years.



This is a photo of myself taken during November of 2000 at age 35, weight well over 250 pounds

The journey from 170 pounds to 250 pounds over nine years is as follows:

Amount overweight = 80 pounds

Calories stored being overweight = 80 pounds x 3,500 calories per pound = 280,000 calories

Number of days in nine years = 365 x 9 = 3,285 days

Human whale in nine years = 280,000/3,285 = 85.24 calories per day over average daily metabolism..

Rome was not built in one day. To achieve bodily perfection as the Michelin Man, or Poppin Fresh was a long slow diligent journey. You have every reason to be proud of yourself as it probably took more effort to get 80 pounds overweight that it took to get your education.

Where can you find 85 calories? Here are some fine examples:

1> a four ounce glass of grape juice
2> 18 grams (2/3 of an ounce) of whole grain
3> 3/4ths of one tablespoon of olive oil
4> a small apple

An apple a day can kill you.

to be continued

Playing God's Apprentice Part 2 - The Grand Equation

One Dimension - X - an imaginary line with no thickness

Two Dimensions - XY - a flat visual image with no depth. A picture

Three Dimensions - XYZ The three dimensional object with depth (space)

Four Dimensions - Time, which interacts with space to form the time space continuum

Mass - Something that physicists have not yet fully figured out what it is yet. It exists and it is made up primarily of something that is unknown. The physical substance of matter.

Heresy - any belief or theory that is strongly at variance with established beliefs, customs, etc.

If you are reading this blog and wanting to change you have to first ask yourself why change? At this very moment in time you are perfect and complete in every way. Your neuromuscular system has adapted to your inputs of food and activity and your body has evolved to behave in an optimum manner for the world that you have created for yourself. There is no need to change as change does not make you better. The only thing that occurs is that fundamentally you don't change at all, your body just re-adapts to a new equilibrium state based upon the world you create for it.

Five years ago I weighed over 25o pounds (114 Kilos) had a 43 inch waist (109 cm), was on high blood pressure medication, and was being tested by the oxygen telemetry clinic for the potentially dangerous condition called sleep apnea. I was starting to develop the signs of mobility problems with my hips and knees showing the first signs of wear. I suffered from miagraine headaches that were a function of my high blood pressure. My sacroiliac joint was requiring constant adjustment by a chiropractor, as weighing 114 kilos distorted my skeletal motion. I was perfect and complete in every way. My genetics, lifestyle and time had took part in a grand ballet, and who I was at that moment in time was the encore. I was about to turn 40, acting like I was 20 and inhabiting a body that was about to turn 60.

The grand equation that had played out to get me to who I was is comprised of the following confluence of factors:

1> My genetics. The cumulative blessing and cumulative curse of my cumulative ancestry
2> My Diet. Years of eating highly nutritious food and trying to follow the dietary advice of experts
3> My Environment. Years of a sedentary lifestyle as an accountant living a modest middle class existence
4> Time. The fourth dimension that propelled my matter through the time space continuum.

The Present You = Your Genetics x Your Diet x Your Environment x The Passage of Time

Currently you are the embodiment of perfection and you have every reason to be proud of yourself.

Five years ago I realized I either changed or I would die an early death. I realized that I had control of the diet factors and the environmental factors, and survival required learning how to control those two factors. In three and a half years I had managed to get my weight down to 198 pounds (90 KG), and my waist down to 37 inches (94 cm). I had reached a healthy plateau where I was no longer afflicted with mobility problems, migraine headaches and high blood pressure so I decided it was time to take off on a backpacking trip to see my extended family in Herzegovina & Croatia.

It was during the trip that I had made the most startling discovery of all. We have the power to distort both the time and genetic variables. We cannot control time, we cannot control our genes. We can however re-roll the dice that Mother Nature gave us and remain as perfect as previously, but on a fundamental level different underlying basis.

To quote a Rush song "The more that things change. The more they stay the same"

Five years later I am as perfect as i was five years ago, however I am different. Somethings I have done over the past 18 months have given me a re-roll of Mother Nature's dice and a chance to be different. If I wanted to wait for a properly documented scientific explanation of what on earth happened to me I would be dead before I would get my explanation. The last 18 months were an accident that I have enjoyed. I have managed to distort how diet and environment were reacting with time and genetics.

I have started to learn and am still learning how to play God's Apprentice.

Playing God's Apprentice Part 1 - Three Words for Aunt

The Inuit have over one hundred words for snow, each one is a different noun that is based upon the characteristics of the frozen water crystals. One word might define snow that is good for making igloos, another might define snow that is good for preserving meat. The reason the Inuit language evolved many words for snow when a person of a western mindset will think one word would suffice is that having over one hundred nouns for snow gave the Inuit an advantage.

The Croatian language has evolved three words for Aunt:

Tetka - Aunt that is a blood relative either fathers or mother's side

Strina - (pronounced Streena) Aunt by marriage only (not a blood relative) fathers side of family

Ujna - Aunt by marriage only (not a blood relative) mother's side of family

The reason that the Croatian language has evolved three words to describe the Aunt relationship is to prevent inbreeding. It allows people to know by using their Aunts as a reference point to know whether someone who is a prospective mate is related to you genetically by being able to define that persons relationship or lack of to your Aunt.

Conversely the Croatian language has evolved three words to describe the Uncle relationship.

Tetak - Uncle by marriage (not genetic relative) either side of family. Married to a Tetka.

Stric - (pronounced Streec) - Uncle by blood, fathers side of family. Husband of Strina.

Ujko - Uncle by blood, mothers side of family. Husband of Ujna.

I will be writing my most difficult piece I have ever attempted to write. I will attempt to articulate how to manipulate the variables, that at this moment in time result in you the current person reading my blog post, and how to take control of your own physical and neurological evolution. To be able to understand the future pieces of this series, you have to understand the meaning of the three Croatian words for Aunt on an abstract basis, as all the future pieces in my series will be using the Croatian words. If you can't understand the three Croatian words for Aunt and articulate from an abstract sense their meaning, come back to my blog in a month or so.

I will be sharing my own firsthand experience of what happened to me over the last eighteen months. I learned how to take control of my own body's evolution. If you dare, come back and learn how to play God's Apprentice.

Protesting Croatia's Pot Laws & Tolerance of Domestic Violence

A funny thing happened since the war where the Croatian people allegedly won their freedom. Croatia passed the most severe, restrictive and punitive marijuana laws in the Western World.

Why are these laws so restrictive? What is it about people thinking freely that threatens the Government of the Republic of Croatia?

Is the Government of the Republic of Croatia afraid that if people have a puff off a joint they just might wake up and realize that the countries problems are not being caused by kids smoking pot and listening to Nirvana? Instead they might get enlightened and realize that the countries problems are caused by a corrupt, parasitic, kleptocratic class infesting Zagreb & Split.

Why does the Government of the Republic of Croatia have such a tolerance of violence committed against women and children by drunken husbands and fathers? All one has to do is visit the Zagreb shelter for battered women and see for oneself.

Why does the Government of Croatia through the promotion of gambling parlors encourage and foster the conditions that make the country a hotbed for spousal abuse? Make it easy for a man to lose all of his families money, make it easy for the man to get drunk, and through lax penalties make it easy for the man to take out his own failings on the physical and emotional state of his family.

It is time as a patriotic Croat to make a protest against tyranny. I have saved for two years rolling up my small change and making sacrifices so I can go on a vacation. I will be flying to Belgrade instead of Zagreb, and I will be spending my hard earned money in Serbia, instead of Croatia. I will keep a detailed record of every last red cent that I spend, and I will be submitting my expense report on my blog as a protest against Croatia's draconian marijuana laws. Let the people of the world see the price Croatia pays for not giving a damn about my inalienable human right to my own body. Let the people of Croatia see Serbia's gain for respecting my sanctity as a human being. What is it about free thought that the Government of the Republic of Croatia finds so threatening? Tito had a far higher tolerance for pot than the current government of Croatia.

If there are any woman's groups in Croatia that could use the services of a strong man to assist women in Croatia fleeing violent domestic situations. I am ready, willing and able to provide any assistance you may ask of me. All I ask for is for a kolač, or a piece of pita, and I will deal with a wife beater in any manner you think is appropriate. A wife beater learning the meaning of fear while hung from his ankles in a public place anyone? I suspect the penalties I would be subject to for capturing a violent beast that inflicts physical violence against women and dis-empowering the brute, are far less severe than those I would be subject to for smoking a joint. Besides I would not be committing a violent act, I would be creating a piece of "Performance Art".

It is so surreal. If a Croatian dad wants to smoke some pot then teach his child about the difference between a Renoir and a Monet, jail time. If a Croatian dad wants to get liquored up and bet his paycheck against Hajduk versus Dinamo???????

The War in the Former Yugoslavia in Retrospect

If I could choose two people from the war in the former Yugoslavia to bring back to life to get drunk with, I would choose Gojko Šušak from the Croatian side and Željko Ražnatović (better know as Arkan) from the Serbs.

Why would I choose Arkan from the Serbian side? Because singularly he was the most dangerous individual Serbia had to offer. His life's achievements; fathering nine children; revitalizing the Serbian Orthodox Church; but most of all having the ICTY cower before him would make him a hoot to get drunk with. Would I fear him? In a strange way I would have to say no. Several times when he was imprisoned his gang busted him out. If he was a complete asshole, rational individuals acting in their own self interests would not have risked their lives to spring him free.

Why would I choose Gojko Šušak from the Croatian side? Because singularily he was the most dangerous individual Croatia had to offer. His life achievements; depriving Slobodan Milošević of the chance for sainthood; creating Franjo Tudman, but most of all being the one individual whose efforts when magnified led to the destruction of Tito's Yugoslavia would have made him a hoot to get cranked on Turkish coffee and jacked on nicotine with. Somehow I suspect he was able to conceptualize a bigger picture than any of the other participants in the war. He had Milošević figured out as well as Professor Goodall understood Frodo the Chimpanzee. The one question I would have to ask him is "has the game ended or is there still some more final acts to play out?"

Ultimately Šušak & Arkan have given me the inspiration to embark on another adventure. This time Široki Brijeg & Belgrade. I will be visiting Siroki Brijeg to get some inspiration for the development of a new written Composite Charachter that I will be creating, Četko the Hercegovac. I will be visiting Belgrade for some much needed therapy, attending the climbing gym and trusting my life in the hands of a random Serb. Most of all 2010 should teach me when offering someone a truth or a dare. Always choose the dare.

A Brave New World

Today I did something for the first time that I know will forever change my life from this moment forward. I took a scan of a document for my own file copy.

Scan a document
Save a tree
Europe has turned me
Into a modern hippee

The Persecution of Ante Gotovina (part 11)

Why did General Gotovina decide to play "Catch me if you can with the ICTY"? What would have influenced his decision to give up his life as he knew it?

Hitler - Hi Shreddy, I thought you could use some help answering this question, so I brought along a friend who could help answer your questions?

Shreddy - I hope it's not someone you met at an Ashram or a Holistic retreat. A Panda Bear in Swiss milkmaid drag was a bit too much.

Hitler - Just put down your pen and watch closely.

Shreddy - I think I just saw Jadranka Kosor do a standing back flip in stiletto heels wearing a vintage Channel suit. Have you been spiking the water with LSD again Hitler?

Hitler - No Shreddy, it's not Jadranka Kosor, it's Bogdan of the Pink Panthers

Bogdan - Bre. We heard you needed some help so we decided to show our appreciation that you can discern the difference between the actions of an individual Serb and the Serbian people.

Shreddy - Why is a white tiger crawling out of your bag? Are Sigfried and Roy in there?

Bogdan - No Sigfried and Roy are not in the bag, we did better. We had originally planned to rob the European Central Bank, but when Hitler asked us was it possible to spring Arkan from Hell, what could we do?



Arkan - This isn't hell? Where the $#%^ am I?

Shreddy - You are sitting in my study. The Pink Panthers sprung you out of hell temporarily so that you can answer my question.

Arkan - I was hoping that my Homeboyz would have sprung me out. Who are the Pink Panthers? Where are my Red Star Crew?

Bogdan - Your Red Star Crew are on the other eight layers of Hell. Since you were a very bad individual you were sent to the bottom and final layer. After your White Tigers gave the Serbian people a bad name, my Homeboyz from Niš took it upon ourselves to restore Serbia's honour. The press calls us the Pink Panthers. We have the motto "He who dares wins". We are histories most skilled band of jewel thieves.

Shreddy - Arkan, I have a very simple question and I was hoping you could provide an answer for me.

Arkan - Which language do you want the answer in? You can have your choice of English, Serbian, Croatian, Swedish, French, Russian, German,

Shreddy - The Queens English shall suffice.

Bogdan - After you answer Shreddy, we take your cat and you back to the bottom layer of Hell where you belong.

Shreddy - Why did General Gotovina flee from the ICTY?

Arkan - Ante Gotovina fled from the ICTY because he had no choice. He was laughed at by time, and tricked by life's circumstances.

Shreddy - You are quoting a Rush song.

Arkan - I like Rush. Did you know that Alex Lifeson is Serbian, and that Lifeson is a stage name. His real name is Alexander Zivojionovic, and he is from BC just like you. I could not give a better background than by quoting a Rush song.

Shreddy - How would Ante Gotovina been laughed at by time?

Arkan - Very simply the Croatians who earned a trip to the ICTY all died of natural causes before they could be indicted. Franjo Tudman died in 1999. Mate Boban died in 1997. Gojko Susak died in 1998. The ICTY had to maintain their delusional state that Croatia's actions at defending itself were as bad as the actions of my Red Star Football Club Crew. So guess what, he was the highest ranking Croat that they could think of. Also he didn't have any Slavic letters in either his given name or his surname, so it was easy for the ICTY to do the paperwork.

Shreddy - Darn good answer. Now how was general Gotovina tricked by circumstances?

Arkan - Had he turned himself in to the ICTY he would have submitted himself and the Croatian people to "Cowards Justice". He signed 174 letters to the families of Croatian soldiers that died during Operation Storm. How could he submit himself to "Cowards Justice" after 174 of his comrades gave their lives in a military operation that he was in overall command of.

Shreddy - Could you please elaborate on the term "Cowards Justice"? I think I have an idea of the context.

Arkan - The ICTY was originally set up to provide some form of authoritative mechanism to enable the world to bring Slobodan Milosevic and myself to something resembling justice.

Shreddy - Bringing you and Slobo to justice sounded like a noble goal.

Arkan - In theory it was a noble goal. Justice can take many forms; Jeffersonian Justice where the blind lady evaluates everything on its facts and merits; Victors Justice as in Nuremberg, and finally Cowards Justice as in the ICTY and the Rwanda Tribunals.

Shreddy - How is the ICTY "Cowards Justice"?

Arkan - Very simply the ICTY prepared an indictment against me in 1999. Eight years after I started my murderous rampage in Croatia. The ICTY kept the indictment sealed and secret until after my death. They are cowards that were afraid of me as an individual. They kept their mouths shut as they knew what I was capable and PREPARED to do to them had I known that they had indicted me.

Shreddy - Had you found out about the indictment when you were alive what would you have done?

Arkan - I would have gone to The Hague to the ICTY.

Shreddy - To turn yourself in?

Arkan - Don't be silly. I would have shown up at the ICTY with six of my crew and my pet kitty cat. Two of my Homeboyz would have taken out the guards at the two gates on Eisenhower Street. Another one of my crew would have had a stolen Ranger Rover packed with Ammonium Nitrate and diesel fuel. Homeboy number four would have taken out security checkpoint #1. Two of my crew, kitty cat and myself could have then calmly walked into the building where we would have taken out the desk guard and the courtroom visitor gallery guard.

Then we would simply walk through the building and watch Kitty play with the ICTY staff. When we reached the Office of the Prosecutor, we would have told Kitty that it's dinner time. Then we would have walked out of the building. Red Star number six would crash the Range Rover into the building, and the ICTY would be erased with every piece of the apparatus being small enough to be passed through a basketball hoop. I would have returned to Serbia a hero, and upon death I would have been Sainted and joined Saint Sava.

Shreddy - So was the ICTY was your proverbial "Bitch"?

Arkan - Yes they were. A band of cowards that were collectively afraid of one man. Me.

Shreddy - Had Ante Gotovina turned himself in, would he have disgraced the Croatian people?

Arkan - Of course. To submit to a body that was afraid of "One Serb" would have desecrated the memory of every Croatian that gave his life during the "War of Independence". Face it he is a nice guy. Acting alone he would have been more than capable of taking out the entire ICTY. However that is not his nature. The ICTY knew this and that is why they indicted him.

Shreddy - One on one, he could have easily kicked your ass Arkan.

Arkan - Of course he could have.

Shreddy - Then why did he get captured?

Bogdan - He allowed himself to be captured. If he wanted to remain on the lamb he would still be free. He grew tired of running. Arkan, it's time for you to go back into the Panther Sack as your day pass is up.

Arkan - Can somebody please give me an ipod loaded with my wife's tunes.

Bogdan - Sorry Arkan you can't take anything with you other than your pet cat.