The AntelopeThe Lionesses & The Pastry

Today I took a four hour walk through Belgrade. I went out of my way to ensure that I could blend in and I even had Master Yoda of the Silverbacks who had extensive experience in Belgrade working for a UN agency gave me the OK for my wardrobe. According to him, being fit, trim and dressed head to toe in black would make me invisible.

This I found to be partially correct, because Master Yoda of the Silverbacks is as straight as a pin, and 90+% of gentile straight men in North America cannot spot the difference between designer and knock-off. I was invisible and anonymous to the Serbian men, however the Serbian women could spot knock off from 100 meters.

Serbia is poor, my best guess is that the standard of living in Belgrade is less than a third of the standard of living in Zagreb. Walking down the street allegedly anonymously and passing an attractive single woman is akin to a fat antelope walking by a lioness that has cubs to feed. They can sense immediately I am not from Serbia, and it is similar to going to a supermarket in Victoria BC after 9:00 PM.

The little game goes like this:

1> Shreddy dresses like a Serb in all black, totally non-descriptive with no designer names emblazoned on the clothing.

2> Shreddy walks down a crowded street.

3> The lioness spots the drape of the non-descriptive black fabrics, and senses that I am not a fat greasy haired idiot son of a profiteer.

4> The lioness then stalks her prey. She studies my facial directions to see where Shreddy will most likely go next.

5> The young lioness then positions herself so that she can walk by to see if I am wearing a wedding ring or if I have tan lines where the wedding ring on a married man should be.

6> The lioness smiles, makes eye contact and walks by me and smiles.

7> The young lioness keeps me in sight from the corner of her eye and maintains the smile.

8> Shreddy's intuition tells me that I have made the first cut. The lioness has not eliminated me as a meal possibility.

Master Yoda of the Silverbacks told me I would have fun in Belgrade as he has whacked an impressive tally there and he is certain that I could whack a massive tally to if I so chose.

Master Yoda has me figured out except for one missing piece of information. His sensory powers cannot detect that a Bosanka has cast a spell on me, and here I am in Belgrade on a mission to get a piece of Bosnian Pita. Instead of thinking about the lionesses and takllywhacking, my mind is fixated on 75 grams of homemade paper thin pastry wrapped around shredded potatoes and onions. It is almost as if the lionesses that have not ruled me out as a meal appear to me to be made of toxins, and the magic pastry that the Bosanka can weave is my salvation.

This piece of pita is eventually going to cost more than if it was made of solid platinum. Maybe the Bosanka knows that if my mind is fixated on her pita I might not inadvertently make a pass at a handgun owners girlfriend. Somehow my intuition tells me that she has done everything in her power to protect me from 11,000 kilometres away, while I am in Serbia for the sole purpose of coming back to Canada for a piece of her potato and onion pita.

Adventures of a West Herzegovian in Serbia

Message to all Croatians, the war is over. Croatia exists, Serbia exists, Bosnia & Herzegovina exists, get used to it.

I am on my second day in Serbia and as usual I am playing Professor Goodall. Following the primate observation methodology developed by Lady Jane, I am using bait and an anonymity blind. Instead of hiding in a camouflage tent downwind of the observation subjects I am in plain view dressed head to toe in non-descriptive black. Black toque, sweater, coat, pants, socks, shoes and when the sun shines my Oakleys. Instead of placing bananas and fruit on the ground like Lady Jane I have a Canadian flag bandanna.

The rules of the game:

1> Look Serbian

2> Observe how the people of Belgrade go about their day to day lives.

3> Make oneself appear like a lost puppy and put on the Canadian flag Bandanna.

4> Wait for a citizen of Belgrade to offer assistance.

5> Try to get assistance pretending I don't know the language and have some fun with a Serb that has picked up some English watching Hollywood movies.

6> Come out of the closet and make the kind person offering assistance aware that I know the language.

Then comes the fun part. When they ask me how do I know the language I give them one of two answers that are both true.

a> My father is Croatian, born in Croatia and from the region of Benkovac.

b> I tell them my Mother's maiden name which sounds totally Serbian.

When I give answer A: The hate mongers in Croatia would lead people to believe that telling a group of Serbs in the middle of Belgrade that you are Croatian from the region that the war was fought would get killed. This is so far been proven to me to be blatantly untrue. The usual response I get is please tell the people in Croatia that "we mean no malice towards Croatia or Croatians. Please come down for a visit and enjoy yourselves".

When I give answer B: I sense as warm a welcome as I felt when I first set foot on Croatian soil. The people start to strike up a conversation which inevitably leads to "Are you married? If not come down here for the World Cup celebrations and we will find you a wife".

What is most amazing is that when I look closely in their eyes either of the two answers brings about the same degree of sincerity in their eyes. When I discuss the Civil war in the former Yugoslavia, I learn about the hardships that the people have suffered. I mention Arkan or Slobodan Milosevic and I get the Serbian descriptive phrase for bandit douche-bag. Overall the prevailing attitude seems to be that the war was started so that a handful of scoundrels could enrich themselves at the expense of their own people.

What is truly amazing is how many mixed breed Serbo-Croats I have met. They are the product of a Serbian Father and a Croatian Mother. They just assume that I am the opposite Croatian Father and Serbian Mother, and we have a hearty chuckle as to who the hell knows who is what here.

Which brings me to the topic of Croatian hate-mongers. As far as I have figured out they come in four flavours:

1> The Profiteer Hate-Monger - Prime example would be the Croatian singer "Thompson". Make as much money as possible spreading hate. This condition is incurable.

2> The Suffered a Personal Loss Hate-Monger - I was guilty of being one of these. After my parents and my brothers, the person who meant the most to me in the world was killed by a Serbian land mine. In addition my Grandfather's younger brother was murdered by Serbian paramilitaries with JNA assistance. I spent a lost decade and a half depressed and angry. It was only when I forgave the Serb that laid the land mine that I started to heal as a person. My cousin that was killed was an Alpha male, and it was almost as if my act of forivenness was the catalyst for personal growth that would have been unimaginable just two years ago. However for the Serb that killed my Grandfather's little brother, I do not forgive you and may God have mercy on your soul. This condition can be cured through the act of forgiveness.

3> The I am Afraid to be Excluded from the Group Hate-Monger - This phenomenon was most studied with the experience of Germany in the 20th century. Good people refused to speak out against the Nazis for fear of being viewed as Un-German. Same thing happens in Croatia today. Put more than two Croatians together and you can't hear a single good thing about the Serbs. Get a Croat from the region where the war was fought one on one and they will tell you that they miss the Serbs and that they are capable of distinguishing between the actions of an individual and the actions of a people. What is sad about Croatia is that children who have no idea of what a Serb is are being indoctrinated by the profiteer hate mongers. This condition can be cured by hanging around with a better group of friends.

4> The Ultra-Nationalist I Need a Life Hate-Monger - These people derive no benefit from being venomous other than in their own minds being venomous is better than feeling empty. The best cure for these people would be to visit Serbia as a tourist, have some fun and subsequently get a life.

From what I see, Croatia and the Croatian people have far more to gain by following the example of Bishop Strossmeyer in extending the olive branch to the Serbian people than they have to gain blindly following the hate mongers.

Germany and the UK fought two bloody wars during the 20th Century, with the last one ending in 1945. By 1955, the two countries that spent the first half of the century as bitter enemies were allies. It is time for people to study history because otherwise history has this horrible habit of repeating itself.

Two Sleeps Til Belgrade

(the scene opens with Shreddy in his study attacking his pull up bar. He is listening to alternating songs by Thompson (Marko Perkovic) & Rush (Aleksandar Živojinović). For each song a set of four pull ups from a full hang. Bogdan the master of disguise for the Pink Panthers (Worlds top crew of jewel thieves from the Serbian city of Niš) walks in and surprises Shreddy).

SHREDDY - Bogdan you know I hate surprises. I am trying to get into shape for my trip to Serbia.

BOGDAN - Then you should be doing your oblique twist sit ups and lots of push ups instead of wasting your time doing pull ups. Are you expecting to go tree climbing with the Jovankas?

SHREDDY - If I have time to think about Jovankas, I have the energy to do more pull ups.

BOGDAN - The boys and I know that you have been thinking about pull ups instead of the Jovankas. You have got to snap out of your obsession with defying the law of gravity.

(Bogdan hands Shreddy an envelope and Shreddy looks inside and notices a post it note inside)

SHREDDY - It's a post it note with three names written in Cyrillic on it on it, Jovanka, Rajka, & Rudmilla.

BOGDAN - Three of Serbia's finest, they will take your mind off of the Bosanka.

SHREDDY - Thanks Bogdan but I don't need any call girls, why don't you donate the money you guys would spend entertaining me to the Belgrade Woman's Shelter.

BOGDAN - Shreddy you have to get your mind off of the Bosanka. These ladies are from Nis with roots from Kosovo, they are Serbia's finest team of man-eaters. They will melt the polish off of your toenails they are so fiery hot.

SHREDDY - I don't polish my toenails.

BOGDAN - If you don't polish your toenails what were you doing buying the same shade of purple nail polish that the Bosanka wears. We have you on store surveillance video purchasing it along with it being cross referenced to your Save-on-More card. It's the same shade that she has been buying. Has that woman cast a spell on you?

SHREDDY - My Bosanka friend saved me from wearing green toenail paint. A German lady that resembles Cameron Diaz and practices Shamanic Arts that I had been trying to provoke a dare out of had suggested green. I was under her spell, and only a Bosanka's magic could have saved me from sporting green toenails.

BOGDAN - You are still traumatized from the episode last fall when you wore the chartreuse green.

SHREDDY - Darn rights I am. I am certain that my painted toenails caused that woman to trip in the stairway at my office. She broke her wrist required surgery to fix it and she brought me pistachio nuts and a thank you card. Then an hour after the poor lady broke her arm, I had late 30s unmarried professional woman traumatize me with her mating display, stroking the organic black forest ham.

BOGDAN - Calm down Shreddy. Our friends will take care of you and convince you to cut your trip to Croatia shorter and to check out our hometown of Nis. You will forget about the green toenails and the black forest ham indecent. Nis is the only place in Serbia where you can find a newly qualified Physician that can make homemade Banitsa. There you can find a Metallurgical Engineer that can make Banitsa. You can find a PhD in Mathematics that can make Banitsa. You could find a bride in any chosen profession that can make Banitsa. Hell there is even a newly qualified Psychiatrist Banitsa league

SHREDDY - Don't worry Bogdan I am not gay.

BOGDAN - You are coordinating your toenails with that Bosanka. That is settled, you need help. Whether you like it or not Jovanka, Rajka & Rudmilla are showing up at the Hitler suite Thursday at 7:

SHREDDY - I have downgraded to the Vladimir Putin suite. Got to flex my pecs in front of his statue.

BOGDAN - We used Panther communication and already paid the women. They are showing up Thursday night at the Hitler suite so you can make your own Max Mosley Video. We can't get any messages to them because they are in lock down practicing their German.

SHREDDY - Some lucky businessman is going to fall in love with Belgrade.

What Age is Appropriate?

Having started socializing and freely mixing with members of the opposite sex for the first time in many years, I have to deal with the issue of what age of woman is appropriate to date? The Chinese have a rule for marriage, take the age of the man divide by two and then add seven with the resultant age being the floor age. In my own case I am turning 45 this year so:

45 divided by 2 = 22 1/2 + 7 years = 29 1/2 years old.

But what immediately jumps is this formula is purely based upon chronology. There one would find it's inherent flaw in the fact that we don't all age the same and we don't have the same lifespans. Three of my four grandparents hit their 90s. In the case of my Maternal Grandfather, his three siblings are alive, well and still working in the fields in Herzegovina.

Lets look at what a typical 45 year old North American male would be like and a typical 30 year old North American female..

The 45 Year Old North American Male:

1> Is abdominally obese. Greater than 50% of North American men have waistlines greater than 35 inches which is indicative of the initial formation of visceral fat.

2> Is overweight body fat greater than 25%

3> Is developing the first signs of chronic conditions that are brought about by the result of poor lifestyle choices. This could be high cholesterol from too much pub food, liver problems from too much rich food or alcohol, mobility problems due to massive girth, breathing problems due to smoking, or a whole slew of other things.

The 30 Year Old North American Female:

1> Is overweight and well on her way to abdominal obesity by age 37. At age 40 greater than 60% of North American women are abdominally obese.

2> If she hasn't had a child yet has had her fertility start to decline. This starts at age 27 slowly and it keeps accelerating that fertility treatments become a very real possibility in the 31 to 34 range. I know this firsthand from preparing tax returns for couples who have worked hard to create the perfect world to bring a child into, but mother nature won't cooperate.

3> Is starting to show the first signs of developing chronic conditions. For years Physicians didn't look for the warning signs of chronic conditions in women, and almost by surprise the heart disease rate for women is converging upon that of me.

I am not the typical 45 year old North American man, and I would not want the typical 30 year old North American woman. I am a 45 year old North American man that is inhabiting a body that is substantially younger than 45.

To find out your bodies true age, go to www.realage.com the site run By Dr. Roizon. You are prompted to go through a lifestyle questionnaire that takes your condition and how you live and adjusts your age to a "Real Age" which is based on working backwards using actuarial models of predictive death. When I take the realage quiz I come up with being 34 years old.

If we use the ancient Chinese formula:

34 years divided by 2 = 17 + 7 years equals = 24 years

At this age, a woman is too young too settle down with someone 45. A man who is 45 like myself would want children right away. A woman who is 24 would probably;y want children right away. The model in these cases becomes one of the man being the breadwinner/provider with the woman becoming the homemaker. In the absolute worst case scenario the woman has only one child and uses that child as an excuse to drop out of the labour force completely. The danger is that if the woman has not experienced enough of life, education or career progress, the stage is set for a disaster in ten years. The marriage fails, there is a small child, the man is in his mid 50s and the woman has limited career prospects. A horrible life is to be had by all.

So far since my marriage has failed I have dated women in their 20s and women in their 40s. With the women in their 20s, I have found them to be fun. They are enjoying life and nothing is too serious. If they are very athletic, they are even more fun. What I find lacking is the wisdom. They can have an intellect that compares to mine but they just don't have the firsthand life experience that can only be gained through living. They are generally tolerant of high maintenance men, and they think its cool that I paint my toes. Unless I met one that could articulate the abstract of our combination of genes, I just don't see myself settling down with someone who is in their 20s. The fear of the scenario I described above predominates my mind. It is also frightening that this age group appears to find me most attractive.

With women in their 40s, I enjoy their companionship. They have acquired wisdom through life experience. Their intellects have refined, They have achieved some significant successes in their careers. However they cannot give me a biological child.

What am I to do? If I go for a woman in her 40s, I have only my 20 year old daughter and give up hopes of a biological child. If I got serious with a woman in her 20s, I have the chance of biological children and an excellent chance of a future parasite ex-wife where I am stuck living in a bachelor apartment so I can afford alimony and child support payments.

Which finally leaves women in their 30s. If I am lucky and find a truly exceptional woman in her early 30s I can possibly have biological children. However it seems that that is the age group that finds me least attractive. If I find a woman in her late 30s, I would be very lucky to have a biological child. However this is the age group that I am least attracted to.

Realistically the age group that makes the most sense for me, early 30s happen to be the age group in North America that find me less attractive than women in their 20s, late 30s or 40s.

My mother tells me go to Serbia, find a newly qualified Physician, marry her and bring her to Canada. My Serbian friends tell me go to Niš in Southern Serbia, hang out there during my slow seasons and find a newly qualified Physician who can make Banitsa (the Serbian equivalent to Bosnian Pita) and bring her back to Canada. Logic tells me go to Serbia, find a newly qualified Physician, bring her back to Canada. I would not have to worry about a spouse who was a parasite, and even if she left me at least I would know that I had done my patriotic duty and helped alleviate the Canadian shortage of Physicians. The most sensible choice is readily there, yet I still can't stop thinking about what would be required to traverse 6 meters along only a one centimeter rain-screen edge of a high-rise building in BC.

In four more days I will be in Belgrade eating Banitsa. Hopefully the Serbian women will be able to take my mind off of traversing rain-screens. Maybe while traversing the Kalemegdan, I might be lucky enough to meet a fellow climber whose sister might just happen to be a newly qualified Serbian Physician. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Why Bother Lifting Weights

I admit I used to lift weights. I was obsessive and fanatical, I would record every lift that I did and by doing so I became the only accountant I know that has bothered to count from the number one to the number one million.

Lifting weights has many benefits;

1> It is an impact strain exercise that can protect against loss of bone density.

2> It allows you to target your training resources for strength improvement in key areas.

3> Helps develop protective muscle bulk that can be advantageous in certain sports and fields such as policing.

4> It is a social activity as many isolation exercises either require a spotter or such highly specialized equipment that unless you are a gazillionaire you will only find the equipment in a shared gymnasium.

Lifting weights won't help you if;

1> You want to get a fabulous body. Primatologists have done extensive research on what men perceive as what women desire as the ideal male body type, and what women actually desire as the ideal body type. Men have it all wrong. Most women do not desire muscle bulk at all, they are desirous of muscle tone and leanness. Think Patrick Swayze, Shreddy or Brandon Lee, not Stallone or Arnold. Women found Arnold's and Stalllone's bank accounts sexy but not their bodies.

2> If you are trying to lose weight. When you lift weights you are sending contradictory signals to the brain. Gain muscle bulk, and eat more.

3> Trying to avoid injury. When you weight-lift your body develops in an uneven and unbalanced fashion. Your muscles strengthen faster than your tendons, joints & ligaments do setting the stage for nasty joint and tendon damage.

I have not lifted a weight in over six months and my body improvement trajectory has accelerated. I gave up the madness of weights and substituted the stoicism of own body weight compound resistance training. The is an old Croatian saying;

"Što če ti umjetno sranje?" Croatian
"Shto che tea umjetno sranjay? " Phonetic
"What do you need the artificial crap for" Queen's English

to be continued

Battle of the Bulge

Beer belly, love handles, spare tire these are all affectionate names that men give to their testement to attempting to defy the law of thermodynamics. In the past a man would start to grow a belly around age 25 and it would slowly blossom into something that could cast its own shadow by the time a man turned 40. These days thanks to whole grains and Nutritionists, boys start growing these as soon as they could raise their glass to the table for more juice and the average North American man has a shadow caster by age 25.

Why do men grow bellies? Because mother nature provided an advantage to humans that could store surplus food in their bodies. During periods of scarce food the men and women that did not store surplus food starved to death. When there was plenty of food again, the men and women that could store food bred with the survivors and the belly and pear genes got passed to the next generation.

If you are the average 40 year old North American you are suffering from abdominal obesity. If you are fortunate, you might live as long as your parents. How you will live will be another issue. Chances are that you could develop thanks to your belly; cancer, heart disease, hip problems, knee problems, sleep apnea, dementia or a host of other fatal or chronic conditions.

I was well on the way to a typical fate. At age 39 I had a waist circumference of 43 inches (109 centimeters). I am turning 45 soon and my waist circumference is below 32 inches (81 centimeters). How did I do it?

1> I did not join a gym
2> I did not buy any gimmicky devices on TV
3> I did not get Lap Banding, Gastric Bypass or Liposuction
4> No speed, cocaine, tape worm eggs or whole grains

I did it with very subtle dietary changes and compound body resistance exercises. These are my golden rules to achieving a flat belly with pectoral muscles that overhang.

1> Within one hour of the big meal of the day, do a set of push ups followed by a set of sit ups. Do this six times a week. The timing is crucial. Doing your set of push ups and sit ups within 60 minutes of finishing your big meal does three things. First you strengthen your core body muscles. Second because you are working against your own body weight your reptilian brain starts sending signals to your body that it is too heavy and that it should lighten. Finally if you do your exercises withing 60 minutes of your big meal you will quickly find out if you should be reducing the size of your big meal.

2> Take CLA as a dietary supplement. I take 4,500 milligrams a day divided into three doses taken with meals. CLA is controversial. Many scientists claim it is ineffective, but what is the source of their authority to make that claim if their belly casts a shadow? I used to have a shadow casting belly, I started taking CLA and now my belly can't cast a shadow as the pectorals create an overhanging ledge. Here is a link to Wikipedia on CLA.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conjugated_linoleic_acid

3> Fruit juice is NOT A THIRST QUENCHER. If you must indulge in fruit juice water it down to one part fruit juice and three parts water. Forty years ago people drank hardly any fruit juice and very few people were obese. There is a direct correlation with waist lines and fruit juice consumption. Also fruit juice is acidic and it destroys your teeth worse than chocolate bars.

Follow my three golden rules and your belly will stop casting a shadow as it will be obscured by the shadow cast by the pectoral overhang ledge.

The Bridal Sack Pact

Deep down I am more exited about visiting Serbia the Country than I could ever get about visiting Croatia the Country.

I live on Vancouver Island the home of Wikkaninish Beach & Clayquot sound. In my opinion far more breathtaking scenery than anything Croatia has to offer. I can see being fixated on the limestone rising out of the turquoise Adriatic sea for the coastal island group with the red brick tile roofs of the houses. Each island is a miniature abstract of the Croatian flag. However if one saw the mirrored glass surface of Clayquot sound with the distortion of reflected light on the smooth as glass water set against a the granite islands. Each reflected image is a distorted abstract of the universe. My apologies to any Croatian I have offended but if they saw Clayquot sound and Wikkaninish Beach, provided they could either hear, smell or see they would be in agreement with me.

My biggest reason for visiting Serbia is that I am in love. Not with a Serbian woman but with a Bosanka (Bosnian woman). To me she is almost perfect. We have conversations about art and she doesn't have to fake it. We have conversations about abstract ideas instead of people and things, and she does not get mad at me. She can bake Bosnian Pita and I can bake Croatian Bread. She wants to train to do a chin up. We would be the perfect match made in heaven except that to give me what I desire most a biological child, she would pay far too heavy a price. My intuition tells me she is as fond of me as I am of her and its almost as if we show our affection for one another by making a conscious effort to keep a healthy distance while remaining the dearest of friends.

We have devised a game. She is a wizard at statistics, human nature and economics who knows that random chance is an event that we can influence. So we figure out scenarios where statistically I have a higher probability of meeting a near ideal match who can give me what I want most, a biological child. She issues me a dare to place myself as the proverbial lure in the water where I might meet Miss Right. If I don't meet Miss Right while fulfilling the dare, she bakes me some potato and onion pita, then we devise the next dare.

If during the course of one of my dares I meet Miss Right, get married to her and have a child, my friend would become the Godmother. I can end this game and claim my friend that I am in love with in either of two ways. The first way to earn her willing acquiescence to my Bridal Sack is that I fulfill every dare that is issued this year and exceed the threshold for each dare. The second way that she has agreed is if I showed up at her bedroom window with my Bridal Sack as she lives on high floor of a high-rise condominium. She knows I am more than capable of climbing to her balcony, but she knows the final 6 yard traverse to her bedroom window is what would most likely kill me.

So what is my ideal woman?

1> Someone who can speak either Serbian or Croatian and English.

2> Someone who wants a baby.

3> Someone who can give me a reason why they can count to a number other than 5 on one hand.

4> Someone who believes in the healthy body healthy mind creed and is willing to train for a chin up.

5> Someone who can have a conversation about art without faking it.

6> Someone that can make either Pita of Banitsa (Serbian version).

My friend has me placed in Belgrade and Zagreb, two cities that have been hammered economically. In the case of Zagreb the global credit crunch is causing economic hardship. For Belgrade, years of economic sanctions combined with US bombing have made the Serbian economy a fraction of what it was in 1990. For a young professional woman in either of these two cities, Canada plus Shreddy can be a tempting alternative.

I am off on an adventure and a bridal hunt. I am in the best physical condition in my life at 44 and nowhere near my athletic peak. Hopefully I will find the woman who can join me and we can peak together. But then again, I am in Serbia where they allow climbers to traverse the exterior walls of Belgrade's ancient fortress, the Kalemegdan. It might just be that Serbia is the place that I learn to survive the final 6 meters.

Back Thin

I am excited, in exactly one week I leave for Serbia. I have traveled to Europe twice before, the first time during the summer of 2008 and the second time during the late autumn of 2009.

My first trip was to visit my ancestral villages in Croatia and Bosnia and Herzegovina during August of 2008. It was then I made the shocking discovery that I only had a mild resemblance to my relatives. They looked fabulous, and I looked fat. Weight 200 pounds (90 Kilograms), waist circumference 36 inches. I noticed the biggest difference was that I was obsessed with nutrition and my relatives that looked fabulous didn't obsess over what they ate.

My second trip during the late autumn of 2009 was different. I was a physical work in process that weighed 165 pounds (75 Kilograms) that visited Holland. The people didn't look near as good as the people from Croatia & Bosnia and Herzegovina. A combination of flat topography and processed foods made the Dutch look like middle-class North Americans. The Dutch are obsessed with nutrition like I used to be. I noticed most Dutch children were overweight.

My third trip to Serbia will be interesting. I will have a chance to witness first hand the effects of years of economic sanctions on a people. I suspect that in Serbia proper that I will see very few overweight people. In Croatia I noticed that the children in the villages were of a healthy weight whereas in the larger cities one would see obese Croatian children. In North America over 50% of the children are obese. I wonder what the children in Belgrade will look like. If they are of a healthy weight, I can reasonably conclude that the sanctions are actually benefiting Serbia, as Zagreb is full of obese children.

I am thin now, and I have an all black wardrobe for this trip. It will be the most exciting adventure playing Jane Goodall I have ever embarked on. Alone, single and anonymous in Serbia. I will be studying Serbs in their native habitat, then I will study Croatians in their native habitat, and finally re-examine Serbs and refine my initial set of observations. I wonder how similar or how dissimilar these two peoples are?

How can I examine Serbs & Croats like Professor Jane? I can do so because I am neither, I am West Herzegovian.

Happy Valentines Day

Here I am almost 45 year old and alone and lonely on Valentines day. I don't feel sorry for myself being in this situation, beacause it was my decision in the preceding year to leave a bad marriage. The loneliness I feel today feels far better than the togetherness one could experience with being with an alcoholic. An improved but emptier life.

Maybe it something in our primate hard wiring, but somehow something does feel more natural if we are in pairs versus being alone. Maybe it is because in the right circumstances the two correct individuals are greater than the sum of the parts. In the case of my marriage and most of my friends marriages that have failed in the last year, the two were less than the sum of the parts. One spouse was the parasite while the other spouse (me included) was the host.

If you are together with someone today, and if that person makes your life better, you are lucky. Now if you make the person's life better who makes your life better you are a functioning pair, and you are both extremely lucky. If you make the life worse for the person who makes your life better, pull up your bootstraps and stop being a parasite.

I know some very fine people whose marriages have failed because they reached a breaking point. They could not keep carrying a bloodsucker of either the financial, or mental/emotional(substance abuser/nut-ball) variety, and something inside almost dies. Each of these friends when I had presented them with the hypothetical question of:

"What if your former spouse was a cinder block, benign and inert?"

Would answer with tears in their eyes;

"I would still be happily married"

It almost seems tragic. We would be happy to have remained in the relationship had our ex spouse been able to achieve the functionality of a cinder block. Yet when we are alone, it almost seems that we set impossibly high standards for someone to cross before we get in another relationship. Its almost that we have things backwards. Maybe we should be setting the standards lower when looking for someone to start a relationship with, but have a high threshold that must be attained for the relationship to continue.

To everybody reading this blog who is in a relationship where you would not trade your partner/spouse for a cinder block, I tip my hat to you. Somehow through intelligence, luck or just plain hard work you have managed to achieve something I would give almost anything to have, a functioning relationship.

Hopefully the Heretic's ship hasn't sailed by, because I know from the bottom of my heart I can add more to someones life than a cinder block.

Is there anybody out there?

Belgrade Body Workout

In another 10 days I leave for Belgrade. My Journey was going to be initially a simple one. Fly to Belgrade let loose, take train to Zagreb visit cousin, bus to Dalmacija visit cousins, bus to Herzegovina visit cousins, back to Belgrade let loose, fly back to Canada, and eat potato and onion pita made by an educated Bosanka. The greatest joy of being a solitary adventurer is that your plans can change on the fly and one can just go with the groove. Over the last two days I have added one major city, Sarajevo and two countries to my journey, Macedonia and Kosovo.

Macedonia will be a transit point. Kosovo will be to meet Master Yoda of the silver-backs. Sarajevo will be to see the old main post office (grandpa's fiefdom).

This change of trip will mean little time for relaxation. More time for partying hard. More time traveling. Hopefully several more pink pins for my world map.

Looking fabulous will not be adequate for this trip. I will have to be in the best physical condition of my life, both for the for ease of travel purposes and personal safety.

For the last two weeks I have deviated from my hour spread over a week workout to something more intense.

Abs/lower back - Ramped up the oblique twist sit ups sets to 120 non stop six nights in a row with one night rest. Broke lifetime best of 140 with a set of 152

Push Ups - four sets of 25 six days in a row with one day rest. (goal to exceed my age in a non-stop set before I go)

Grip Bar: 3 days a week 6 to 8 sets of 3 pull ups from a full hang both normal and narrow grip. Torso extensions, 6 cobras to kips from a pull up position, one whole body Union Jack from a clavicle chin up position. Desert is a set of three wide grip pull ups followed by two pull ups from a full extension using only two fingers from each hand. (goal to be strong enough for 3 pull ups full extension with only two fingers each hand, meet the USMC standard for men half my age with half the fingers)

Diet: Strip and rip. Five protein shakes a day at 150 calories each, one thousand calories from other sources. Belgrade weight goal 75 kilos.

If I hit these numbers before my trip. I will have the strength if the need arises to do muscle ups (a pull up where your centre of gravity is above the bar).




Lock up your Jovanke, Milice, Svetlane etc. Brkanjac #1 is coming and he's bad enough for Belgrade.

No Guts, No Glory

As a write one thing is for certain. Two weeks from today I will either get killed doing something very stupid, or I will successfully have pulled off one of the stupidest things I have ever done in my life.

For most of my life I have refined the art of not getting credit for any of my accomplishments into a science. Once in a blue moon I would have a change of heart, and decide to place the proverbial horses head in someones bed, but again I would claim no credit. I would ensure that the parties I wanted to demonstrate my skills were aware something was happening. I would tell them the timing of something happening. But I would not tell them what was going to happen, because nothing is more fun than watching a large group of people very surprised with a very small handful suspecting they know who was involved. It's the West Hercegovian in me that makes me do it.

This time, it will be different. I am trying to impress Bosanke (women from Bosnia, Catholic, Orthodox or brandy drinking Muslim), so if I am successful I will be taking credit.

Success will involve timing. I will have to study the environment and examine all the variables in the same manner that the Pink Panthers plan a heist. The key will be spotting the small windows of opportunity when they arise and from examining the patterns to predict with reliability the when the next windows of opportunity will arise. If my instincts are right, suicidal behavior will become merely dangerous. My intuition will be crucial because I will be required to pass the point of no return before the window of opportunity opens.

Am I nuts? Of course I am. I used to smoke cigarettes. My Physician told me that for my physiology tobacco was far more dangerous than cocaine or heroin. On February 25, 2010 I will experience the ultimate adrenaline rush of my life. I wonder what my Physician will have to say about Bosanke?

Two Weeks Until Belgrade

I am excited. I finally got the courage thanks to a dare from a friend to visit Belgrade. There are things to see and things to do and in no particular order:

1> Bread

Eat bread in the territory of the former Yugoslavia baked with Christian hands. In Croatia the bread is baked by Kosovo Albanians who happen to be brandy drinking and pork eating Muslims. In Serbia the Serbs bake their own bread.

2> Brutalist Architecture in Decay

I tend to agree with Prince Charles when it comes to architecture. I hate brutalist concrete edifices that decay in the elements. Steel reinforced concrete that does not have a exterior finish added to it ages horribly. I will have the opportunity to see and photograph the finest examples of Titoist Brutalism in decay set against a late February gray sky.

3> The Art

I like art. I like the Balkans. I like Balkan art and the place to see it is Belgrade. Serbia through its painters and their monastery frescoes have a unique distinctly Serbian artistic tradition. I am going to see Uros Predic's "Kosovo Djevojka" (the Kosovo Maiden). The painting depicts a battle that my ancestors fought in trying to defend Europe from the Ottoman empire. The hotel I am staying at The Mr. President Design Hotel is essentially an art gallery that you sleep in. The suites are all themed after a past or present world leader. The finest suite is themed after Tito, another suite themed after Stalin, Suite 501 themed after Hitler, a suite themed after Vladimir Putin, etc.

4> The Brandy

Serbs like their brandy and so do I. Sljivovica (plum brandy) has been developed as both an art and a science amongst the Serbs. I like it if my beverages are unsafe and unstable by an open flame.

5> The Women

I find that their is something about Serbian women that drives me wild. Maybe it is that they are more likely to speak French that drives me nuts. Or is it their more liberal sexual mores when compared to Croatian women that draws me towards them. I have only met one Serbian woman in my life that I have not found myself attracted to. They say men are attracted to women that remind them of their mother. My mom is Hercegovian (Roman Catholic), and her maiden name sounds totally Serbian. Maybe that is the source of my attraction?

Visiting Serbia will give me a chance to play Jane Goodall and observe Serbian Women on their home territory. I will have to do my utmost to maintain objectivity. In a perfect world I will meet a nice Serbian young woman who is either a Physician, Engineer or other transferable profession in her mid to late twenties who would like to leave Serbia, and finds the thought of spending the next sixty years with me entertaining.

To paraphrase a Rush song.

I am on the plane to Belgrade
Aboard the Serbia express
I will hit the stops along the way
I only stop for the best

Playing God's Apprentice Part 8 - Reproductive Strategy

(the scene continues this time in Shreddy's kitchen. Professor Jane Goodall is sitting at the table with Bubble 07 (Shreddy's bong) while Shreddy is mixing white homemade bread. Professor Goodall is happy that they had raised $50 million US Dollars for the Jane Goodall Institute doing a Groomathon of Shreddy's back)


PROFESSOR GOODALL - How soon until the bread is ready Shreddy? Wow, ready & Shreddy rhyme.

SHREDDY - Ready and Shreddy do rhyme, Lady Jane and they both end in the letter Y.

PROFESSOR GOODALL - They do. I love the smell of fresh bread being made. It reminds me of my childhood back in a day when people ate fresh bread.

SHREDDY - I used to buy whole grain bread and eat lots of it because the experts and my physician told me it was good for me. However then my Strina explained how whole grain bread would kill me and I stopped eating whole grains and started mixing my own homemade white bread daily. Would you believe that since I have stopped putting whole grain poison into my body I have lost 10 centimeters off of my waist line.

PROFESSOR GOODALL - How on earth does one lose 10 centimeters off of their waist eating white bread?

SHREDDY - See that dried out piece of my homemade white bread on the cutting board. Please taste it Lady Jane.

(Professor Goodall picks up the dry piece of homemade bread and has a bite. She tastes it, wolfs it down and has another bite. She takes a sip of water and finishes off the rest of the slice of dry bread)

PROFESSOR GOODALL - This bread is delicious. I didn't need to put any butter or margarine on it. If that bread was wholegrain I would have had to smother it in Becel.

SHREDDY - You just explained the whole grain death mechanism. Whole grain tastes bad, and it needs to be smothered in fat to make it palatable. Back in 1980 before the nutritionists started telling people to eat whole grains, the average 40 year old woman in Canada had a 28 inch waist. In 2010 after listening to the experts tell them that eating whole grains was good the average 40 year old woman in Canada has a 32 inch waist. I sometimes wonder if the majority of people are stupid, because their seems to be a direct correlation between whole grain consumption and waist sizes.

PROFESSOR GOODALL - Thank goodness I spent most of my life active in the bush. I do find it shocking when I see women half my age having mobility issues because of girth.

SHREDDY - Lady Jane, I suspect we are witnessing a dysgenic effect. I see Western Society evolving into two groups, the physically fit and the deliberately lame. I see the deliberately lame becoming a progressively heavier burden on the physically fit. Eventually a snapping point will be reached when the physically fit rebel against the oppressive burden of the deliberately lame.

PROFESSOR GOODALL - You don't see man made global warming as mankind's next Darwinist event?

SHREDDY - I see people following the advice of nutrition experts as mankind's next Darwinist event. In my honest opinion man made global warming is a hoax that is being foisted on to gullible people by a class of parasites that want funding derived from the sweat of the proletariat, so that they themselves do not have to sweat.

PROFESSOR GOODALL - I love having a conversation with someone who is not afraid to voice their opinions. These days with political correctness, the fear of offending someone keeps thoughts that should be shared private.

SHREDDY - I feel we are devolving into an Idiocracy. The unfit females are breeding young and at an exponential growth rate. While intelligent women are delaying their reproduction to the point of not being able to reproduce at all. Do you know what are the odds of a University Educated woman that is 35 years old that has not found a mate of ever becoming a mother?

PROFESSOR GOODALL - I think it is about one in one hundred.

SHREDDY - I am a primate and you are the worlds foremost primatologist what do you think should be my approach to having biological children?

PROFESSOR GOODALL - It depends on whether you would want the children to share a mother or if you prefer that they have different mothers.

SHREDDY - Assuming I want my potential children to share a mother and have full genetic siblings?

PROFESSOR GOODALL - Stay away from the pot on your upcoming trip to the former Yugoslavia, and only have a hoot if a woman offers you a toke. I know it is important for you that you have children that could speak your native tongue. If you want biological children with one woman you will be looking for a mate in her mid 20s. Fertility starts to decline with women who have not had a child starting at age 28. If a woman is over the age of 30 I wouldn't waste the time if biological children are your goal unless she has proven fertility. If one of your cousin's girlfriends passes you a joint on your upcoming trip to Zagreb.

SHREDDY - Should I have a hoot?

PROFESSOR GOODALL - Throw her in your bridal sack and bring her back to Canada right away. Odds are she would either be a physician, engineer, lawyer etc in her mid 20s that could speak the Queens English and she wouldn't nag you about your pot smoking. You wouldn't have the issue of declining fertility or of a female parasite. Make haste for Victoria and start making babies.

SHREDDY - Now you had mentioned a more than one woman strategy towards having offspring.

PROFESSOR GOODALL - Replacement requires at least two children and more than one woman. You have to go against your honorable nature and become a rogue. Find a woman in her early 30s who would have the means of raising an offspring alone, who has not had a child. Impregnate her, run like hell and find the next woman in her early 30s who hasn't had a child. Repeat as before and keep repeating until you die or one of the offspring you sired and abandoned hunts you down and kills you. My best guess is that if you could impregnate two women per year, with half of them realizing that the fetus is their only chance of becoming mothers, and you contributing exceptional genes will choose not to abort. I figure you could easily leave 30 plus biological children.

SHREDDY - I think it is wisest that I try the one woman reproductive strategy.

Playing God's Apprentice Part 7 - Searching for a Mate

(the scene starts with Lady Jane Goodall mounted on Shreddy's back chimpanzee style grooming him. She has been searching for a trophy blackhead for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, If the trophy blackhead is a one centimeter spaghetti snake shadow caster (OCMSSSC), the Gates Foundation will purchase Zimbabwe for a chimpanzee preserve)

JANE GOODALL - You know Shreddy, change happens for a reason. I have a theory as to what happened to you in Herzegovina and Croatia two summers ago.

SHREDDY - I suffered irreversible heat stroke in the village cemetery in TINJ and the part of my brain that thinks "Can not" got permanently fried.

JANE GOODALL - You had an out of body experience. During a moment of altered consciousness, you envisioned yourself alternatively. Somewhere in your genetic code something tripped, and your body started to change in anticipation of breeding. You are morphing into a silver-back and you are adopting more alpha tendencies by the day.

SHREDDY - So my upcoming trip to Serbia to fulfill a dare and get some potato and onion pita?

JANE GOODALL - The dare is just an excuse to place you in a position where you are in a country that you are fluent in the language, where there is a high probability of finding a mate.

SHREDDY - I do want a biological child so badly that if it was possible for a man to gestate an egg, I would.

JANE GOODALL - How does your daughter feel about your desire for another child?

SHREDDY - She told me she wants a baby brother. She would be at least 21 years older than her sibling, so in a way she would be like a sister/aunt.

JANE GOODALL - Now imagine if we could give a woman that was looking for a mate the level of abstract reasoning of a chimpanzee..

SHREDDY - I would marry her in a heartbeat.

(Lady Jane Goodall sees a sore spot on Shreddy's back where a mosquito bit him, she digs her fingernails into it as if she is doing a shoddy job of a blackhead extraction. Shreddy screams in pain)

SHREDDY - Arghhh that hurts.

JANE GOODALL - You know how I feel about human to chimpanzee comparisons. Amongst all of the first generation Diaspora Croatian women, how many instances are you firsthand aware of that the female put more thought into the choice of a mate than a female troglodyte.



SHREDDY - One. A Hercegovian female who married a badass from Mostar that was almost 20 years her senior. She figured that the ultimate proof was in the individual male specimen. The fellow did not have mountains of money, but was an adequate provider. She saw in his mid 40s a physical specimen that put the mid 20s males of which I was one, to shame. She could have easily married a borderline retard from a wealthy family, but instead she wanted the fittest male to pass his genes onto her children. Instead of thinking about a designer handbag for herself, she was thinking about the health and longevity of a yet to be conceived child.

JANE GOODALL - Her bloodlines were from Bosnia and Herzegovina not Croatia. How about Serbian women?

SHREDDY - Mila Mulroney jumps to mind. The Rt. Honourable Brian Mulroney is fifteen years her senior and she bore him four children. She even allowed them to all be baptized Catholic because she thought it would be odd for a child with the last name Mulroney to not be a Roman Catholic. She was able to look past his age, and see raw mental horsepower. You can even argue that her children by virtue of being Roman Catholic are part Croatian.

JANE GOODALL - If I can provide you with one piece of advice for your upcoming trip to Serbia. If some Serbian fellow wants to take you home to introduce you to their daughter, niece, sister etc. Make sure you meet the young lady before you have your first drink, and ask the most important questions of all and get the correct answers before you have a second drink.

SHREDDY - What number can you count to on one hand, and show me a narrow grip chin up from a full extension.

JANE GOODALL - If she can do a chin up, and gives you an answer other than 5, you can't go wrong.

SHREDDY - And if I have a drink first

JANE GOODALL - When you finally sober up. You will find yourself married to a woman who can only count to 5 on one hand, who is incapable of doing a chin-up and you will have a clan of in-laws wanting to set up a western suburb of Hamilton Ontario on Vancouver Island.

SHREDDY - Thank goodness they have a relaxed attitude about pot in Serbia.

Playing God's Apprentice Part 6a - Distorting Time (The Witches Brew)

"The field is the sole governing agency of the particle" Albert Einstein

(the scene continues where Lady Jane Goodall is straddling Shreddy's back in a chimpanzee manner grooming him, hunting for the elusive one centimeter trophy blackhead for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. The One Centimeter Spaghetti Snake Shadow Caster)

LADY JANE GOODALL - Hold still Shreddy, flex your left trapezius, I am going to make an attempt for buying Zimbabwe,

SHREDDY - #$%$# @#$#% please don't dig in with your nails Lady Jane. How would you like it if I did that to you.

LADY JANE GOODALL - Is that an offer?

SHREDDY - My apologies Lady Jane. I know your close range eyesight is not what it used to be, and I am deeply sorry for using foul language in your presence.

LADY JANE GOODALL - Just give me a second. 8.6 millimeters when laid out lengthwise. Darn we almost got it. You know if you were man enough for steroids, the Chimpanzees would now own Zimbabwe.

SHREDDY - Here is my Witches Brew. It is made up of four parts; the rest state enhancers; the hormone soup; the neurological re-integrator; and finally the metabolic aids that help my body achieve an anabolic state. Everything is natural source from the plant and animal kingdom.

Rest State Enhancers

The body only grows, repairs and regenerates when it is in a rest state. If you are stressing your system your rest requirements increase. I personally try for a 8:00PM bedtime and I intend to maintain this regimen until my 45th birthday, at which point my plan is to reduce my stress level and start living something approaching a normal life. The substances I use to enhance my rest state are:

1> 5HTP (Hydroxy Triptophan) - Basically turkey extract. Eating lots of turkey makes one sleepy. This is because turkey meat is a high natural source of Hydroxy Triptophan which is a precursor chemical that the body turn into melatonin (the sleep hormone). I take 100 milligrams a night before bed.

2> Marijuana (taken orally) - If anyone has eaten pot they would have experienced a body stone characterized by clear thought and near paralysis. As an individual ages, the muscles natural repair process is slowed down. Eating marijuana causes the muscles to achieve a state of near paralysis, and appears to trick the body into thinking the muscle is younger. I take 1,000 milligrams (BC Bud powdered in gelatin capsules) orally before bed.

The Hormone Soup

Some might call it vaginal envy, but messing with ones hormone levels can be fun.

1> Bulgarian Tribulus Root - The strongest source of male hormones in the plant kingdom. This was discovered by the Bulgarian Shamans at least 2,000 years ago. It boosts the bodies testosterone level and helps promote the development of lean muscle mass. It is available at most large health food stores. I take 4,500 milligrams divided into two doses, one when I wake up and one before bed.

2> Marijuana (taken orally) - After Yams, the strongest source of estrogen like compounds in the plant kingdom. The nightly bedtime dose provides some estrogen to mitigate against the effect of boosting my testosterone levels with the Bulgarian Tribulus Root on my prostate gland.

The Neurological Reintigrator

1> Marijuana (taken orally) - A funny thing happened when scientists decided to feed large amounts of BC Bud to laboratory rats. Much to their surprise orally administered whole bud caused the brains of adult rats to grow new dendrites and neurological pathways. Scientists are now finding when they dissect the brains of old chronic stoners that they appear to be immune to the effects of Alzheimer's disease. If you spend your adult life as a fat person, getting a new body is an awkward experience. Bumble bees can't fly and 45 year old fat guys can't do inverted pikes. Getting an effective new body means having to re hard-wire the body's neurological control system.

Metabolic Aids

These natural substances help the body achieve an anabolic state characterized by very active proteins causing muscle cell growth.

1> Fish Oil - Contains omega fatty acids and DHEA. My motto is go big or go home. I do not take fish oil capsules (I would need 25 capsules for my dosage). I either eat oolikan grease (have to have First Nations friends and be courageous), or I have a 30ml shot glass of fish oil every morning. Mother natures steroid that reduces inflammation in the joints allowing one to train more intensely and shock the body into changing. An important point to remember is that 30ml of fish oil has 240 calories that have to be removed from elsewhere in the diet.

2> HMB (Hydroxy Methyl Butrate) - A amino acid that is naturally produced by the human brain. We normally produce 0.2 to 0.4 grams per day. I take 3 grams per day. It appears to effect the way my body processes carbohydrates. I eat white bread, white sugar and white rice. Somehow these foods that the experts say are bad for me seem to react with the HMB to cause my body to grow lean muscle mass. Available at most health food stores.

LADY JANE GOODALL - OK Shreddy my turn. Do you know why that after mating, female humans want to cuddle and male humans want to roll over onto the opposite side to sleep?

SHREDDY - Of course, the female wants the transfer of the males pheromones so as to regulate her hormonal fluctuations and make her more pleasant thereby keeping the male around to help her raise the offspring. The male want to roll over and play dead so as to deny the female the pheromones thereby making her more irritable thus giving him an incentive to leave the female and find another female to mate with and create yet another offspring. It is called an evolutionary advantage reproductive strategy.

LADY JANE GOODALL - My you are a sharp cub.

Playing God's Apprentice Part 6 - Distorting Time

"The field is the sole governing agency of the particle" Albert Einstein

(the scene continues with Lady Jane Goodall straddling Shreddy's back chimpanzee style hunting for the elusive trophy blackhead)

JANE GOODALL - There Shreddy, I have identified 8 possible hiding spots that should give Melinda Gates and her girlfriends the One Centi Meter Spaghetti Snake Shadow Caster that they have been looking for.

SHREDDY - What is it about blackheads of the trapezoid muscles and the latissimus dorsi that drives women bonkers?

JANE GOODALL - We can't help it Shreddy. We are primates, this is the most hard wired behavior we women have. It is called grooming. Why do you think women look for men that they can change? You know what they say about men having a one track mind.

SHREDDY - That allegedly we are only interested in sex?

JANE GOODALL - Of course. Human females don't have visible estrus. Since men don't know when women are fertile, they always want to have sex so as to ensure that their genes replicate themselves.

SHREDDY - You have just given me an example where chimpanzees evolution is ahead of ours. If female humans were able to display when they were receptive, I would not have thrown half of my life away.

JANE GOODALL - It's your destiny as a man to squander half your life away. Anyhow, what I find fascinating about examining your back is how is it that 15 years ago at age 30 you had a 45 year old body, while today at age 45 you have a 30 year old body One would logically assume that you would have a 60 to 67 year old body today if you progressed naturally.

SHREDDY - Nothing ages an individual faster than lugging surplus weight around. Your body just wears itself out being itself. It's almost as if within our matter we contain a fixed amount of energy and our lifespan is a function of what speed we degenerate this energy store. Losing the first fifty pounds just took me to the level of the average 43 year old North American male. Altering my mind took me from a typical 43 year old North American male and reset my body to that of a typical Hercegovian.

JANE GOODALL - Are you suggesting that mind, intention and belief can reset your endocrine system? You have got to take it easy on the bong.

SHREDDY - Mind, intention and belief can totally reset the endocrine system. I had lived through half my life under the illusion that I was genetically predisposed to being chubby, studious and sedentary. A natural for the accounting profession.

JANE GOODALL - So you had your illusion shattered by finding out your genetic predisposition was to be athletic and youthful. How on earth do you reset your body and change from a 43 year old into a 30 year old in a year and a half? Certainly there is more to it than Club Soda and CLA.

SHREDDY - There certainly is. Most important of all is belief and intention. Believing that your bodies genes contain an alternate blueprint and having the intention to allow your body to re-optimize to the alternate blueprint. 99% of people cannot cross the belief and intention barrier. I saw with my own eyes my Ujko. I knew that mother nature gave me everything he had, plus all the genes from my fathers side. Something in my head snapped. I started to believe that I could have a body like an underwear model when I am in my 70s and that god made me athletic.

JANE GOODALL - So you send your body intentions to correct itself.

SHREDDY - That I do Lady Jane. My grip bar and the rest of my compound own body weight exercises tell my body that its optimum configuration is different. I stress my body, visualize what it's optimum configuration is based on my alternate genetic blueprint, and then apply the witches brew.

JANE GOODALL - Would you like to trade secrets?

to be continued

Playing God's Apprentice Part 5c - Genetics, an Interview With Jane Goodall

(the scene continues with Professor Jane Goodall continuing to groom Shreddy's back chimpanzee style. She has been unable to find a spectacular trophy blackhead for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, so she has decided to change her search and destroy strategy)

JANE GOODALL - Do you have a grease pen handy? I want to mark this bump but I don't want to use a black Sharpie marker. I get extremely dizzy from the fumes and I would hate to think what the aromatic hydrocarbons within a Sharpie would do to your cell tissue.

SHREDDY - I don't have a grease pen, would nail polish work?

JANE GOODALL - Nail polish should work. I have a different plan for hunting the one centimeter spaghetti snake shadow caster. Instead of hunting him down and destroying him right away, I identify him in his potential hiding place and tag him with nail polish. Then I find all the other potential OCSSSCs, and mark them with nail polish. We keep our friends close and the OCSSSCs even closer. We watch and wait and like the sword of Damocles, we strike when we are certain that they can break the centimeter barrier.

SHREDDY - Do you want me to flex or contract the right trapezius?

JANE GOODALL - Flex it please. It appears that stress is the key to allowing an individual to accelerate the adaption that normally takes place through the bodies own natural replication/renewal process. Stress is so destructive, I have always felt it's not what you eat that kills you but what eats you. But then again my good friend Sir Edmund Hilary wrote the "Joys of Stress" and started the whole stress acceptance movement

SHREDDY - Stress is a double edged sword. It can kill you, but it can also create a genetic point of resonance in the body that can allow a dormant gene to become active, or a precondition for an active gene to become dormant.

JANE GOODALL - How do you go about stressing your system? Living amongst the chimpanzees the only time I ever felt stress was when Frodo was in a bad mood.

SHREDDY - I do own body weight resistance exercises to stress compound muscle groups, and I live with an alcoholic which puts me in an overall generalized anxious state. By having a high degree of agitation within my life I manage to achieve a state characterized by a high degree of physiological plasticity. It may sound weird, but I visualize my body as a grapevine and myself as an arbourist training the vine to an espalier.

JANE GOODALL - Why don't you just simply join a gym, lift some weights and pack on some muscles. I am certain you can control the shaping of your body to a far greater degree and perhaps even find a mate. In case you haven't figured it out yet, the bizarre lifestyle you have been leading of 8:00PM bedtimes on week nights gets in the way of finding a mate.

SHREDDY - Stress is very destructive to the body Lady Jane. One has to ensure that they get adequate sleep. It is only during the rest state that the body can grow. Living with a alcoholic for a short term period is a wonderful way to cause a very high generalized stress level. I have a couple of dietary aids and supplements that I use to achieve a rest state that allow me to trick my body into a neuro-muscular rest state that would be otherwise unattainable.

JANE GOODALL - I am starting to find you quite entertaining, live hard and rest harder. I sure hope you have not been seeing Michael Jackson's anesthesiologist?

SHREDDY - Lady Jane, I have been using natural substances derived from the plant and animal kingdom. Besides I can't afford nightly anesthesia.