Corruption in Croatia. The Adventures of Cetko the Herzegovian & Shreddy (Part 6 - Doing the Right Thing)

(We start this scene where we left off. Shreddy & Cetko the Herzegovian are at a private member's only golf resort between Zagreb and Karlovac that appears to only allow Croatian Speakers (Herzegovians) as members and specifically excludes individuals who speak the New Hungarian (Croatians) from membership. What is odd to Shreddy is that this resort is in the heart of Croatia)

SHREDDY - "With Dobri Hrvati (good Croatians) like the Herzegovians, why on earth does Croatia need enemies?"

CETKO - "Pamet u Glavi (don't think stupid thoughts). The propast (reforms) brought in by the Racan government would make this country ungovernable if it wasn't for the Dobri Hrvati (Herzegovians). If it was not for the Herzegovians voting as a block for Croatia, the Hrvatska Demokratska Zajednica (Croatia's ????? Party) would never have a chance of forming a government. As you well understand, Jadranka Kosors parliamentary majority only exists by the graces of the Serbs."

SHREDDY - "You mean those nasty people that speak Croatian and make the sign of the cross backwards".

CETKO - "Exactly, those sneaky Serbs, you can never trust them."

SHREDDY - "I have had the opposite experience with my life. Whenever I have dealt with Serbs everything was above board and transparent. I find that their actions are driven by their word. A handshake is unnecessary if both parties give their word and there is an understanding."

CETKO - "Shreddy, do not be naive. Serbs are treacherous sneaky people. Look what they did to you a couple of weeks ago. They tricked you into believing that Serbs don't hate Croatians."

SHREDDY - "Serbs as a people have no animosity against Croatians whatsoever. I saw it with my own eyes in Serbia."

CETKO - "What glupost did you see with your own eyes that makes you such an authority on Serbs?"

SHREDDY - "I saw the Croatian Flag flying ten feet above the ground on Karadordge Avenue in the center of Belgrade in front of the main train and bus stations which happen to be adjacent to one another."

CETKO - "You fell for a Serbian propaganda ploy. They knew you were coming to Belgrade so the hoisted the Croatian flag in the very center of the Serbian Capitol to trick you into thinking the Serbs have no malice against Croatians."

SHREDDY - "So you are saying that the Serbs would go to all the trouble of tricking me."

CETKO - "Pamet u Glavi (think with your head), of course they would. They were aware that the head of the Brkanjci Clan was coming to Belgrade so they set out to trick you."

SHREDDY - "The Croatian Flag has been flying there continuously since November of 2006. Here I have a photo I have taken to prove it."

(Shreddy reaches for his camera and sets it on view photo mode to show Cetko the photo he took on Mario Day 2010 of the Croatian Flag flying ten feet above the ground in the center of Belgrade)

CETKO - "Don't show me that vile photo"

SHREDDY - "Cetko it is a photo of the Croatian Flag"

CETKO - "It is Serbian Propaganda and a lie. You could be burned at the stake in Siroki Brijeg for that act of Heresy that you did. They haven't burned a Heretic there for 528 years. Do you want to be the first one?"

SHREDDY - "So they stopped burning Heretics when the Turks took over."

(Shreddy has the wink of mischief in his eye. He has had an idea)

SHREDDY - "Cetko look out, there are masturbating monkeys flying at your six-o-clock. They are spunking lots, close your eyes and on with the Oakleys or you are sure to get some in your eyes"

(Cetko closes his eyes as tight as he can, he an Shreddy both put on their Enchanted Oakleys. Shreddy reaches into his bag of tricks and pulls out a live pigeon jumps over Cetko's head and squeezes the pigeon over Cetko's causing it to poo on Cetko)

CETKO - "I have monkey seamen on me. Help me Shreddy, if this stuff gets in my eyes I will be permanently blinded."

SHREDDY - "Don't worry Cetko. Just keep your eyes closed tightly and keep the Oakleys on for added protection. Grab a hold of my right arm and I will get us back to the car where I have several packages of the moistened anti-bacterial towelettes."

(Cetko grabs Shreddy by the right arm. He is having a major panic attack because he has pigeon poo on him and he is completely unaware that both he and Shreddy are wearing their Enchanted Oakleys that cause everybody except for the Pink Panthers, the Worlds foremost gang of jewel thieves from the Serbian City of Nis, to pee and poo all over themselves if they see both Shreddy and Cetko wearing the Oakleys and gazing towards them).

CETKO - "Get me to the car kid I can't breathe"

SHREDDY - "Just calm down Cetko. Walk slowly holding on to my arm. When we get back to the car, I will use the anti-bacterial towelettes to wipe the monkey seamen off in a motion that moves away from your eyes. Just breathe slowly buddy and I will get you through this."

CETKO - "OK my life is in your hands. Woe has become of me that my life is in the hands of such a weirdo"

(Shreddy walks very slowly taking a circular route through the private members only golf club in Croatia that somehow seems to exclude only Croatians from their membership. Shreddy makes a point of seeing that every Hercegovac, Bosanac, Hercegovka & Bosanka see him and Cetko, thereby triggering the mother of all diarrhea in them. In addition the victims of the gaze pee all over themselves. Half of the BiH residents for tax purposes hand Shreddy their wallets. Eventually Shreddy gets Cetko back to the rental Peugeot where he uses the anti-bacterial wipes to wipe the monkey seamen (pigeon poo) off of Cetko in a motion that has the wipe moving away from his eyes. Cetko and Shreddy take off their Enchanted Oakleys)

CETKO - "Thank you Shreddy for saving my eyesight"

SHREDDY - "What are partners in mischief for? By the way, a grateful member of the Diaspora made a donation to our cause. Here is your 70% which is 14,000 Euros, and I have 6,000 Euros for my share".

Corruption in Croatia. The Adventures of Cetko the Herzegovian & Shreddy (Part 5 - Are we the Problem)

(the scene starts with Shreddy taking the off ramp to Karlovac where it is planned that Shreddy and Cetko the Herzegovian can get some rest prior to stealing the political memoirs of Ivo Sanader`s first cabinet called `Fleecing the Pig`. Cetko has chosen a Golf resort near Karlovac. Shreddy parks the Peugeot and gives the keys to the valet. Both Shreddy and Cetko walk into the lobby)

SHREDDY - `This place is odd are you sure that we are still in Croatia`

CETKO - Of course we are we are just on the outskirts of Karlovac. Why do you ask

SHREDDY - It is just so odd. I don`t hear anyone speaking Hungarian and all I hear is people speaking the Croatian language. I almost feel like I am in Belgrade.

CETKO - This is a private establishment where they don`t take kindly to Hungarian speakers (Kaj dialect Croatian) walking the grounds. Over 90% of the membership are good Croatians, Herzegovians, people who speak the Croatian language. For the hired help Bosanci, to do the hard work, as they too speak a the real Croatian language too.

SHREDDY - Have you ever considered for a second that the ultimate root of corruption in Croatia is the Herzegovians. If you look at anything that smells of corruption, you don`t have to venture far to see a Herzegovian with their fingers in it.

CETKO - Pamet u Glavi Shreddy. If it was not for the Herzegovians, Croatians would not have a country today. If it was not for Gojko Susak, Franjo Tudman would have just been another mental case assigned a case number in a psychology textbook.

SHREDDY - Thanks to Gojko Susak, Croatians do have their own country with the official language being Hungarian (Kaj dialect Croatian). The Serbs have their own country too with the official language being Croatian (Sto dialect).

CETKO - Thanks to Gojko, there is a country of 10 million people called Serbia that still speak Croatian. Thanks to Gojko Bosnia and Herzegovina are a separate country where they still speak Croatian. Thanks to Gojko, Croatian speakers from Herzegovina are able to assume a leadership role in Croatia over the Hungarian speakers, and that is why there is more functionality in Croatia than say for example Macedonia.

SHREDDY - It seem that thanks to Gojko, Croatia is infested with a perpetual criminal class. He opened the floodgates for the Herzegovians to start a war, steal everything that was not nailed down, take commissions from every side in the conflict, and he laid the seeds of the Crony Culture.

CETKO - Kid, it is either the pot that messes up your head or the lack of the pot that messes up the head. Gojko was a great man who wanted his people to live in one country.

SHREDDY - Gojko`s people did live in one country, Yugoslavia. It was a country where all the Herzegovians could live, where all the Croatians could live, where all the Serbs could live, where they spoke Croatian (Sto dialect). What we have now is a patchwork of countries, 250,000 people dead as a result, and new Hungarian being the official language in Zagreb.

CETKO - It is all the fault of the Hungarian speakers for abandoning Herceg-Bosna. Thanks to the Hungarian speakers, Croatia is not a contiguous Country.

SHREDDY - Yet the Herzegovians carry Croatian passports, vote in Croatian elections, fund political parties in Croatia, but are not subject to the tax burdens that are borne by Croatians.

CETKO - You gave four excellent points young man, I am sorry about the pot comment.

SHREDDY - Please restate the pot comment. What we have in Croatia is a severe case of Representation without Taxation. It is the exact opposite of Taxation Without Representation that was the pre-cursor to the American Revolution. Look at the cars here, half of them are Black Mercedes with BiH license plates. The other half of the vehicles are Black Audis.

CETKO - It is Croatia we are visiting. The people who have one parent that spoke Hungarian drive the Audis. Besides I cannot follow your logic behind the Representation Without Taxation point. This is Croatia, the second most corrupt country in Europe after Bosnia and Herzegovina. If Croatia taxed the Herzegovians, there would be far more money swishing around feeding more corruption.

SHREDDY - Lets take your village Cetko. How many people live there

CETKO - Four Hundred & Ninety-Four

SHREDDY - How many of them have Croatian cellphone numbers

CETKO - Four Hundred & Ninety-Four

SHREDDY - How many of them carry Croatian Passports

CETKO - Four Hundred & Ninety-Four

SHREDDY - How many voted for Milan Bandic in the Presidential run-off

CETKO - Four Hundred & Ninety-Four

SHREDDY - How many carry Croatian National health cards

CETKO - Four Hundred & Ninety-Four

SHREDDY - How many of them paid income taxes to the Republic of Croatia during 2009.

CETKO - None, my village does not provide the funding for a corrupt system to exist. It is our most effective form of civil disobedience.

SHREDDY - What is it about your village nobody is under the age of 18, and everybody votes. Nobody pays Croatian income taxes or sin taxes, yet when it is time to collect the wages of their sins such as lung cancer or cirrhosis of the liver, they become a burden on the resident taxpayers of Croatia. Does the Herzegovian culture of cronyism ever disgust you Cetko.

CETKO - There is no Herzegovian culture of cronyism. Under the merit system, a Herzegovian usually rises to the top. To ensure an effective structure under them they hire or bring aboard people who speak Croatian (Sto dialect) instead of Hungarian speakers. That way if everybody in the organization speaks the same language, they can effectively complete their tasks.

SHREDDY - Do you know how much time and effort was expended in Croatia over the last 20 years on the development of New Hungarian, so as to differentiate themselves from those nasty Croatian speaking Serbs.

CETKO - An entire new generation had to be schooled in the purged language. Notice why the people your age or older just nod their heads a lot and say DA all the time. They find the new Hungarian as confusing as you do.

SHREDDY - Have you ever considered Cetko that the biggest problem facing Croatia today is the Herzegovians.

CETKO - You are insane. It is the Herzegovians who are the good patriotic Croatians (Dobri Hrvati).

to be continued

Corruption in Croatia. The Adventures of Cetko the Herzegovian & Shreddy (Part 4a Where do we Start? continued)

(we start off with Shreddy & Cetko the Herzegovian driving towards Zagreb in Shreddy's green rental Peugeot 207. Shreddy is driving while Cetko is getting drunk and thinking. Cetko had just finished articulating his first idea for cleaning up corruption in Croatia one asshole at a time, hijack a convoy of trucks carrying the political memoirs of a corrupt government official to the paper recycling buyers, thereby depriving the corrupt government officials trophy wife or papucar (parasite trophy husband) of their Louis Vuitton money.)

SHREDDY - " What exactly is a Montenegrin Roadrunner? "

CETKO - "A metro-sexual Mountain Serb that collects highway tolls. When you wear your black socks Shreddy you pass off for a Montenegrin Roadrunner perfectly, how else do you think you managed to get your N.K. Partizan colors?"

SHREDDY - "I had a poker face and was wearing my Oakleys. It is an interesting phenomenon when you wear Oakleys outside of North America, you freak people out. I suspect it is one of the reasons why Canada and the USA are taking such heavy casualties in Afghanistan."

CETKO - "You looked completely alien to those young hooligans that had the scarf, but you spoke perfect Serbian. The kids simply put two and two together. Serious bad-ass that looks kind of gay and speaks Serbian, a Montenegrin Roadrunner. Those boys are probably aspiring towards their first truck hijacking thanks to you Shreddy."

SHREDDY - "I was only acting on a hunch. In North America, we have a saying "If something is too good to be true it probably is", I figured if the little buggers had some extra energy to burn off baiting for fights and robbing the suckers who fell for their bait. The last thing they would expect is someone to surprise them and start haggling."

CETKO - "The kids thought you were Montenegrin. When you wear black socks people think you are gay as you do not have a woman to do your washing for you. I simply lower you on a rope from the opening as truckers are leaving Sveti Rok tunnel, and the truckers will immediately assume that the gay looking Montenegrin Roadrunners have moved their mobile truck toll collection racket to the Northwest. The truckers will pull their convoy of recyclables over, and then my colleagues from Banja Luka simply hijack the convoy. There are 90,000 Kuna in it for your end of the work, plus you have the satisfaction of knowing you denied a parasite their Louis Vuitton money."

SHREDDY - "How are you going to keep me from being splattered onto the windshield of an oncoming truck? I sure hope you have taken my safety into account."

CETKO - "Of course I have. I simply take apart your video camera, or your net-book computer and wire the webcam/cct remotely. I spent two years working in a Siemens factory when I was younger so I do have a knack for electronics."

SHREDDY - "So you have seen more of the world than Herzegovina, Croatia & Milan."

CETKO - "Of course I have seen the world. I know West Mostar like the back of my hand. I could drive there from Pearson Airport blindfolded. ."

(Cetko pulls out a pad of paper from his bag of tricks and in between bottles of Zuta Osa sljivovica and Marlboro cigarettes, he draws the electrical schematics diagram for each of Shreddy's electronic devices converted into a closed circuit television system.)

CETKO - "If I use your video camera, parts should run us 150 Kuna, if I rip apart your Net-book, it will be 125 Kuna for the parts."

SHREDDY - "Rip apart my net-book. What have you figured out for getting me up and down safely?"

CETKO - "You wear your rock climbing harness backwards. I tie your practice ropes to you and lower you up and down like a yo-yo. You will look like one of those ridiculous tarantulas on an elastic string, and when the truck driver thinks he is about to splatter you with his windshield, I pull you up."

SHREDDY - "So the truck driver incorrectly assumes that the Montenegrin Roadrunners have expanded their range and they pull their trucks over to the side to pay the additional road tolls."

CETKO - "My friends from Banja Luka them make off with the parasites Louis Vuitton money. Can you pull over Shreddy, I have to take a leak."

SHREDDY - "Certainly Cetko"

(Shreddy pulls the rental Peugeot to the side of the expressway. Cetko steps out and goes down an embankment to relive himself against a tree. He pulls out his cell phone and txts his friends in Banja Luka "Is your paper buyer interested in 10 almost new Mann Trucks?". Cetko finishes natures business and climbs back up the embankment to re-enter Shreddy's rental Peugeot).

CETKO - "Do you have those pre-moistened anti-bacterial hand wipes handy?"

SHREDDY - "They are in my man bag, in the inside the flap side pocket"

(Cetko reaches into Shreddy's man bag and pulls out the package of individually pre-wrapped sanitizing towelettes, takes out one package opens it, and wipes his hands clean).

CETKO - "We should make haste for Karlovac. I know of an electronics store that has exactly the parts I need to turn your net-book pc into a closed circuit television system. I also know of a nice place where I can sleep off the mother of all hangovers and we can give your prosthetic makeup anabolic ability a test. I figure if you ate 4 KG of my sister's apple pita and slept for two days."

SHREDDY - "I would look like a poor attempt by a diva to do Jadranka Kosor?"

CETKO - "You would look more Montenegrin. You don't show enough of the side effects of the degenerate eastern European man's lifestyle.

SHREDDY - "I try to live healthy. I hardly drink, I manage my stress levels and I don't smoke"

CETKO - "Are you so sure that you are not gay."

SHREDDY - "I am absolutely straight as a pin. By any chance would you be able to tell me what is your closest genetic relation that ever became a priest."

CETKO - "We need to get some more of those pre-moistened individually wrapped anti bacterial towelettes. You know what to do if I have any monkey seamen land on me."

SHREDDY - "To wipe it off immediately in a motion that has the towelette moving in the direction away from your eyes. If I get splattered by a truck windshield what are you going to do with me?"

CETKO - "Feed you two kilograms of my sister's baking. Mixed with liquid and pressure fed down a tube if need be.

(Cetko's cell phone beeps with an incoming message. "Will take 10 trucks, 2005 and newer, 30K Euro each.")

CETKO - "It's my friends from Banja Luka. It appears that the members of Ivo Sanaders's first cabinet have published their collective political memoirs, "Fleecing the Pig". It appears that they are only expecting to teach their papucars and trophy wives how to count to 70,000 Kuna each. We hijack these trucks and there will be 12 very angry parasites."

Corruption in Croatia. The Adventures of Cetko the Herzegovian & Shreddy (Part 4 Where do we Start?)

(We start where we left off at the last episode. Cetko the Herzegovian had just finished smoking four Marlborough cigarettes and consumed 300 ml of premium Serbian plum brandy to calm himself down sufficiently to enter a motor vehicle that is not a black Mercedes.)

CETKO - "Forget about going to confession, I have an idea. We need a logical starting point for our two man anti-corruption drive of cleaning up Croatia one asshole at a time. I have figured a way that we can kill two birds with one stone. We can attack the criminal class where it hurts them the most, their wallets. In addition we can enrich ourselves. We can share 75/25"

SHREDDY - "Enrich ourselves. Cetko you saw the power we wielded with our unified gaze weapon. We have a powerful tool that could be used to further the cause of justice and transparency in Croatia."

CETKO - "Remember young man it is I who have most of the ideas here. In addition I have twice as much real world experience as you have. Let us not forget that the courts in Croatia allow the criminal to keep the proceeds of their crime if the crime has occurred prior to a statute of limitations date. We just help ourselves to the proceeds of crime that the courts of the Republic of Croatia have allowed the criminal to keep. I can go as low as 70/30 and that is my final offer"

SHREDDY - "Have you ever thought that we could scare the living pee and poo out of a corrupt official so severely that we can apply moral suasion that a public act of apology for their transgressions against the people along with the full handing back of their criminal proceeds to the Narodna Banka"

CETKO - "Are you on the pot again kid? Who is to say that the staff of the Narodna Banka would not abscond with the funds. What is so wrong with us enriching ourselves. It's our necks that are on the line, not the people of Croatia. Do you think if we got hurt anyone would pay us a pension? It's not like we would be acting in some official capacity of the state whereby grateful members of the Diaspora bestow financial gifts upon us."

SHREDDY - "Do you think clearer after a drink?"

CETKO - "Of course I do, it wakes my brain up."

SHREDDY - "Have a few more bottles of Zuta Osa, I think 500ml in your system should get your brain functional. Think about this, if we are out for our own financial gain, the forces of evil in Croatia will have a very easy time profiling us, and thereby catching us, killing us or even worse, getting their hands on the Enchanted Oakley Gascans"

(Cetko opens his bag of tricks and pulls out a piece of his sister's potato and onion pita. He eats it washed down by four 50ml bottles of Zuta Osa Serbian sljivovica. They both climb into Shreddy's rental Peugeot. Cetko lights a cigarette)

SHREDDY - "How does the criminal class in Croatia launder their proceeds of criminal activity?"

CETKO - "Launder their proceeds. This is Croatia, who cares as long as you have the money and are prepared to pay someone a cut, everything is Super"

SHREDDY - "So a tax auditor wonders how someone has four new Audi's in their driveway, and is receiving state assistance."

CETKO - "You just give him an envelope with 16,000 Kuna in it. He takes it back to his supervisor, and he and his team are closer to their goal of Audis for everyone"

SHREDDY - "This is insane. Croatia is starting to sound like a criminal class that just happens to have a state. I mean is their any logical starting point to clean up this country one asshole at a time?"

CETKO - "There is one strategic choke point that all the big criminals in Croatia have not figured out a way to bypass. The printers. They need to produce fake ballots to stuff ballot boxes to get to political power. They need to print several books outlining their rambling thoughts. They need to produce thousands of hardcover books or at least masquerade the production of pornographic materials as their political memoirs. They need the printers to make out the bank deposit slips for all of their Kuna's that they collect in Stjepan Radic notes. Did you know that the children of the criminal class learn to count to 10,000 in increments of 200."

SHREDDY - "You mean that the way to purchase a trendy Zagreb apartment, and explain how it was done."

CETKO - "You publish your memoirs. Think you sell 250,000 copies at 400 Kuna each. That is 100,000,000 Kuna. If the books cost you 35 Kuna Each to produce. That leaves you with enough money to buy and furnish your flat."

SHREDDY - "That only buys a nice flat, albeit in a very nice location. But if an individuals greed knows no limits they certainly must need to draw yet a final corpuscle of blood."

CETKO - "Their Louis Vuitton money. They would have a deal in place with a Chinese paper buyer to purchase the books for 4 Kuna each for the recyclable material. They need to teach their children how to count to 10,000 and they also need to feed their wives, or their papucars (parasite trophy husbands) addiction to expensive designer labels. You are going to be my Montenegrin Roadrunner and we are going to hijack a convoy of recycling trucks that are carrying all the books that a corrupt politician is using to launder their big ticket purchases. You can bet your last Kuna that the corrupt politician's wife or papucar is salivating just waiting for their pocket money from the sale of the recyclable paper to the Chinese."

SHREDDY - "No better way to make an asshole wish that they had never been born."

CETKO - "Than to bear the hell they receive from their wife or papucar"

SHREDDY - "When they tell their greedy wife or papucar that they have to make due with their knock-off for a while longer. Cetko have a drink for me as I am driving. To partners in mischief"

CETKO - "To partners in mischief, and you have also agreed to the 70/30 split of any donation money we receive as partners in corruption fighting"

(The scene ends with Cetko and Shreddy driving off towards the A1 expressway to Zagreb entrance near the Croatian seaside city of Zadar, in the green rental Peugeot).

The Center of Belgrade & No One Cares

This photo was taken the morning of Wednesday March 10, 2010 at approximately 8:00AM. It is at the center of downtown Belgrade on Karaodorde Avenue in front of the main bus and train stations at the corner where the bridge takes one to New Belgrade. It's the Croatian flag, and it has been flying in the center of the Serbian Capital for the last 4 years. Guess what, nobody in Serbia cares or is bothered enough by it to take it down.

Corruption in Croatia. Help me Pink Panthers (part 3a The Fine Line continued)

(the scene continues with Cetko the Herzegovian & Shreddy slowly walking out of the wasteland that is littered with landmines and waste from pre-1990 towards the road in his ancestral village of Tinj. They had newly been granted Panther Powers as a quid pro quo from the Pink Panthers the worlds foremost crew of Jewel thieves from the Serbian city of Nis, in return for Shreddy's blessing to stash 1 billion Euros worth of diamonds in this wasteland. They are walking slowly, with Cetko in deep thought and Shreddy keeping his eyes on the ground watching out for any telltale signs of unexploded ordinance)

CETKO - "It has been 15 minutes since you ate my sister's Kolac (pastry), when we get behind some trees where there is no wind, I will want to examine your arm again on the spots that I have bruised you"

(Shreddy removes his black coat and sweater revealing that the bruises have healed. What visible damage that normally would have taken two days to heal is gone in 15 minutes).

CETKO - "Put your sweater and coat on before you catch a draft. The Panther Power of achieving an enhanced anabolic cellular state from refined carbohydrates is amazing. I think we can have fun with your ability to grow prosthetic makeup."

SHREDDY - "Bogdan told me you were kidnapped from Milan, you seem relatively clueless about fashion for someone kidnapped from Milan."

CETKO - "Firstly, I was not kidnapped from Milan but liberated from Milan. The Panthers rescued me. Second the whole Milan experience was so traumatic that I was blind drunk for every waking moment. How Kate Moss brought in the look called "Heroin Chique", they were using me to make the ideal male more masculine , it was going to be called "Herzegovian Heism". Did you know that Milan if full of gays, and you have to be really careful when leaving any building as there are masturbating monkeys living along the roof-lines. You have to be careful not to look at them because if the monkey semen lands in your eyes you go permanently blind."

SHREDDY - "And what of your village, how are you helping them through the crisis? Where do they get their remittances from?"

CETKO - "They figured out that they qualify for unemployment benefits from the Republic of Croatia. Also the Panthers staged my death in a automobile accident, so there was a large payout of "alleged insurance money" to every household, with the biggest payout to my sister who never was able to get married."

SHREDDY - "Something smells funny about the transaction. It sounds like insurance fraud. How can we be corruption fighters if our relationship gets off on the wrong foot?"

CETKO - "Pay attention to my words young man. Alleged insurance money does not mean money that was defrauded from an insurance company. When the Panthers do a heist of a Jewelery Store or Diamond Exchange they are only after the stones or watches. The staff of the establishment in the panic collect the Euros that are sitting in the cash register, and counter safes and hand over the contents without so much as being asked for them. They collected over 3 million Euros that way and they showed me the surveillance tapes to prove that the money was not proceeds of crime, but rather donations by the jewelers of Europe."

SHREDDY - "So your sister and village are well taken care of?"

CETKO - "Very well taken care of as am I, because I made the Panthers pay me a 15% commission. They are planning on erecting a statue of me in the center of my village, and I will be commemorated as a hometown hero."

SHREDDY - "Your poor sister."

CETKO - "What do you mean? she received almost 1.2 million Euros. She is no longer burdened by having to cook and clean for me. She might even be able to catch a husband. She is 58 but keeps herself real well. She can get a 35 year old Bosanac if she desires."

SHREDDY - "If you didn't work her to an early death baking Kolace (cakes) for your funeral party. Do you know how many Kolace do you have in your bag of tricks?"

(Cetko looks in his bag. Inside a magical climate controlled pantry with cases of Kolace all lovingly prepared hygienically wrapped and placed on storage racks. Each Kolac representing the loving work of his never married 58 year old sister.)

CETKO - "We have enough refined carbohydrate here to keep us fueled for years. As long as I have to beginnings of your digestive track left, I should given enough time, be able to completely regenerate you Shreddy. Good, we have lots of Herzegovian potato and onion pita. I can do some serious drinking."

SHREDDY - "So what have you figured out about you limitations Cetko?"

CETKO - "I am immensely stronger but my ability to withstand damage has only been increased as so much that it is reflective of my feat of strength. For throwing a heavy boulder great distances, my ligaments and joint strength has increased correspondingly. However if you hit me in the stomach Shreddy, I would heal like a normal 72 year old Herzegovian."

SHREDDY - "If we want to become terrorists, it seems we are almost omnipotent. However as corruption fighters we have real limitations as to the scope of our Panther Powers."

CETKO - "There you go sounding like a sissy. In one quick surgical blow we can clean up a dozen of the worst assholes permanently. It would not be like they didn't have it coming to them."

SHREDDY - "I mean consider our enchanted Oakley Gascans. Depending on the context that we use them, we are either corruption fighters using a mild but effective form of moral suasion to show a corrupt individual that there is a better way called honesty, transparency and a duty to exercise common sense. On the other hand we can become assassins, where we publicly humiliate an individual with our gaze weapon to such a degree that the individual commits suicide rather than be known as the person who peed and pooed themselves so savagely in front of their perceived peers. Or we become terrorists by sitting in Maximir stadium together wearing our sunglasses, and having the TV camera do a closeup of us. Provided it is a Dinamo vs Hajduk game we can have 30% of the entire population of Croatia crap their pants."

CETKO - "Well it seems that the power of the enchanted Oakley Gascans is based upon timing, scope and context. We have either a nasty prank that we can use at a party, or we have potentially the greatest weapon of mass destruction ever produced."

SHREDDY - "Or the ability to create a mass consciousness shifting event that can make the world a better place for everybody."

CETKO - "Stop talking like a fag. Where is your car?"

(Shreddy & Cetko round a corner where they come upon Shreddy's rental Peugeot 207 Sports Model in green with a glass roof)



CETKO - "You call that a car. What kind of a Hezegovian are you? It's not a Mercedes Benz, and it is not black. You should have told me that it was a roller skate."

SHREDDY - "Cetko this vehicle has served me well. I have managed to see half of Croatia in it American style, going by my own schedule. It has been more than adequate for my needs, and it is far better than you getting yourself killed trying to craft a Yugo for our journey."

CETKO - "At least you are allowing me to drink and smoke during the journey."

SHREDDY - "Don't worry Cetko, whenever I see the look on your face I will pull over to the side of the road so that you can get out."

CETKO - "I need to get extremely drunk for this journey because your behavior so reminds me of my unmarried sister."

(Cetko opens and consumes 6 50ml bottles of Zuta Osa Sljivovica that his cousin picked up for him in Banja Luka. He smokes 4 Marlboro cigarettes while practicing his deep breathing to relax before the car drive. He turns to Shreddy).

CETKO - "Are you aware that if one out of every four cars is being driven by a woman. One out of four women will be projecting the "calling all Herzegovian men to their hiding places" feeling. Your innate Herzegovian desire to want to hide will be magnified immensely. We better go find the village priest and have confession before we start this journey"

to be continued.

Corruption in Croatia. Help me Pink Panthers (part 3 The Fine Line)

(The scene opens where we left off. Cetko the Herzegovian, Shreddy, Bogdan the master of disguise for the Pink Panthers the worlds foremost crew of jewel thieves from the Serbian city of Nis, Ratko Simulic the master of smashing stolen Rolls Royces through walls for the Pink Panthers, along with the corrupt Zagreb Cop that had tried to rob Shreddy a week earlier and had crapped his pants and peed all over himself when Cetko and Shreddy used the unified enchanted Oakley Gascans menacing gaze weapon on, are amidst the ruins of Saint Peters dualist Church in Shreddy's ancestral village of Tinj)

SHREDDY - "What are we to do with this corrupt Zagreb cop? He has seen us and he knows what we look like"

CETKO - "What is your point Shreddy? We are dressed as a pair of Balkan Gangsters who happen to be purely heterosexual as we are wearing white socks. We are for all intensive purposes completely unrecognizable to this fool"

(Shreddy walks up to the handcuffed corrupt Zagreb cop, that they had made wish he had never been born and removes his identifying badge)

SHREDDY - "Mr. allegedly repentant corrupt Zagreb cop, we will be holding you to you promise to behave in an honest and transparent manner from this moment forwards as we are making our best efforts to clean up corruption in Croatia one asshole at a time. We will be keeping your identification as a trophy and will if the need ever arises be using it to find you again."

(Cetko with his Panther strength picks up the corrupt but now repentant Zagreb cop up by the handcuff chain with his pinkie lifting him above the ground, but not above himself so as not to get any pee or poo over him)

CETKO - "We will strike completely unseen in broad daylight at you."

SHREDDY - "Wearing the Full Dalmatia (a black undershirt, bluejeans, sandals, Ray Ban sunglasses and a wooden rosary)"

CETKO - "You will be made an example of in public. I am certain that after we are through humiliating you that you will commit suicide later that evening"

(the corrupt but now repentant Zagreb cop passes out from fright. Ratko Simulic places him back in the Panther Sack minus his badge and identification, but covered in his own poo and pee)

RATKO - "I think it is best that I take this individual directly back to his own apartment in Zagreb. There his wife can give him a further round of hell for coming home covered in poo and pee."

SHREDDY - "He will then receive further rounds of hell from his wife for them losing the flat they live in, as it will be impossible to maintain their home without the shakedown money."

CETKO - "Or he will behave in a responsible manner and not lose a quarter of his paycheck in the betting parlors every week, and force his wife to cook meals from scratch."

BOGDAN - "Ratko and I have to be on our way. Thank you for your blessing to allow us to stash one billion Euros worth of stolen diamonds in your ancestral village. Would you by chance happen to have a spare 10 Euros? We have to get a Ciganka (Gypsy Woman), to wash all of the pee and poo out of Ratko's Panther Sack."

(Shreddy reaches into his satchel and pulls out a 10 Euro note and hands it to Bogdan. Ratko and Bogdan then do a standing back-flip and disappear from the ruins of Saint Peter's Church, leaving Shreddy and Cetko alone for the first time. Cetko steps away from Shreddy and assumes a defensive posture.)

CETKO - "Shreddy, why is it that you remind me more of my sister than you do of any of my friends? You don't smell gay, but I don't feel certain. Why do you know so much about fashion, and why are you such a sissy?"

SHREDDY - "I am a Canadian Citizen by birth. If you are born in Canada, you have a greater than 90% chance of being permanently hardwired for courtesy."

CETKO - "But the fashion cliches. Your three favourite fashion designers"

SHREDDY - "Armani, Versace & Galliano"

CETKO - "Don't you see how quickly the names of three gay men just rattled off your tongue and besides where in your top three was Hugo Boss, Tommy Hillfinger or Calvin Klien. I saw manly American actors wearing each of these three designers in the movies."

SHREDDY - "Giorgio Armaini is a straight man and Galliano is ambiguous. Did you know that Hugo Boss was gay and that he provided the inspiration for your father's Ustasha uniform? I am straight, I have only allowed one man to get as far with me as French Kissing in my entire life. That is the furthest I have ever allowed a man to go with me and it is the furthest that my curiosity would take me. You have my word that I will not lay a finger on you in an inappropriate manner ever I swear that on my grandmothers grave."

CETKO - "You are just plain weird. I am certain if you attended mass on a regular basis the glupost u glavi (unnecessary thinking) would get out of your head. Now lets figure out what those Serbs did to us. Go over to that almond tree over there and show me how many one handed chin-ups can you do with your right hand as if your life depended on it"

(Shreddy goes over to the almond tree. He grabs it with his right hand and uses his left hand to grip his forearm providing for stabilization and some lift ability. He focuses his mind on the eyes of the man who raised him, his cousin who was killed by a Serbian landmine, and the act of forgiving the unknown Serb whose landmine took his cousins life was the beginning point of Shreddy's glupost u glavi (unnecessary thinking) otherwise known as personal growth. Shreddy for all his might can do only 3).

CETKO - "Now go do a standing back-flip over at that clear spot over there, going for maximum unassisted height."

(Shreddy goes over to the clear spot that Cetko told him about and performs a perfect standing back-flip achieving a maximum height of 2 meters)

CETKO - "The Serbs haven't enhanced you pure muscle strength. They have just given you near perfect coordination. The 2 meter height you achieved was due to your inherent pain delimiters being removed for your new coordination abilities"

(Cetko walks up to Shreddy and gives him the mildest of pokes in the arm)

SHREDDY - "Jesus Christ that hurts"

(Cetko gives Shreddy the mildest of pokes again)

CETKO - "I can live with your weirdness however I cannot tolerate your taking the Lords name in vain."

SHREDDY - "Who is the one that should be worrying about inappropriate touching here? If you so much as slapped me I would most certainly die."

CETKO - "Don't worry Shreddy, I had to immediately figure out the scope and extent of what those Serbs have done to us with their drugs. I used you as a guinea pig to find out what our limitations are so as we don't go out and get ourselves killed. If you die from the draft, let it be known that you gave your life for science but take off that coat and sweater so I can examine your arm."

(Shreddy takes off his coat and sweater revealing two large bruise similar to those suffered from a moderately severe blow on his triceps muscles)

CETKO - "Put you coat and sweater back on and eat this Kolac (pastry) that my sister baked. We need to see at what extent your bodies anabolic healing abilities have been enhanced. I will now see how far can I throw a 20Kg stone in an overhead throw."

(Cetko picks up the rock. He breathes deeply and thinks about the feeling he had after the worst verbal scolding that his mother had ever given him. He throws the boulder over 200 meters. Cetko then goes rummaging about the refuse dumped in the wasteland on the outside of Shreddy's ancestral village. In the space one hour of wandering about collecting parts and crafting them with his hands he manages to build a functioning hand pushed motorized soil-tilling machine).

CETKO - "I hate it. A glupost u glavi has afflicted me again. What have you gotten me into young man. I remember something like this happening to a neighbor of mine over 50 years ago when he managed to disprove the law of gravity, and not share the secret with anyone"

SHREDDY - "As you seem to be the know it all, what should we do next?"

CETKO - "We should head for Zagreb. Where is your car, and I am driving it"

SHREDDY - "It is a rental car, and I have signed off as being the only individual who will be driving it. I have entered into a contract where I think that my damage deposit is equivalent to the deductible of the car rental agencies blanket insurance policy, times a damage clause. I have to be the driver unless you can craft a Yugo out of the spare parts in this wasteland all the while not tripping off a landmine and getting yourself killed."

CETKO - "If you drive, I am not that comfortable with both of our lives being risked with your feminine intuitive touchy feely side enhanced 10 times. I have to be able to smoke cigarettes while you are driving in the car and have the odd Rakija here and there. I have 50 sealed, 50 ml rakija (brandy) bottles that my cousin brought in from the Republic of Serbksa part of Bosnia and Herzegovina so as not to run afoul of any of the drinking laws."

SHREDDY - "Are you that worried about my driving abilities?"

CETKO - "Yes"

Corruption in Croatia. Help Me Pink Panthers (part 2 Where Are My Oakleys?)

(the scene continues where we left off in part#1. Shreddy and Cetko the Herzegovian had just taken the panther pill and they are unconscious in the ruins of the dualist Church of Saint Peter in Shreddy's ancestral village of Tinj. Bogdan the master of disguise for the Pink Panthers the worlds foremost gang of jewel thieves based out of the Serbian city of Nis, is carefully watching over them. While they are writhing about, he removes from Shreddy's pocket his gold Saint George Sovereign that helps him deal with indecision. In addition he removes Shreddy's Oakley Gascans with the cross polarized lenses, and Cetko's Oakley Gascans Ducati edition. Around the bend comes Jovan Boskovic, member of the elite Pink Panther drag team, the master thieves that put on black vintage woman's Chanel suits and take out 120KG security guards with a single non-lethal blow. Jovan Boskovic disappears with the glasses and the gold coin of indecision. Gradually Shreddy and Cetko emerge from their comatose state)

SHREDDY - "What the hell has happened to us. It feels like the wildest acid trip I ever had in my life. Can I have another pill please?"

CETKO - "Shreddy are you out of your mind? I feel the same as after the time I took the train to Zagreb many years ago, and the monkeys that live along the roof of the Glavni Kolovodor (Central Train Station) masturbated on me"

(Bogdan the master of disguise for the Pink Panthers the worlds foremost gang of jewel thieves based out of the Serbian city of Nis, leans over to Shreddy and whispers in his ear, so that Cetko can't hear)

BOGDAN - "Cetko thinks that pigeon poo is monkey semen. If you tell him otherwise he will suffer a heart attack and die"

SHREDDY - "Where are my Oakley Gascans"

CETKO - "Where are my Oakley Gascans. I kind of like them, I feel like I am a terminator"



BOGDAN - "Jovan Boskovic of our elite drag strike team has taken them to the Ciganka (gypsy) Queen to get enchanted with a special power for the two of you."

SHREDDY - "Where is my coin of indecision? If I don't have it and I don't have my gyrating Jesus on a spring how can I make up my mind for a course of action when I am confronted with two indifferent choices. It's not like University multiple choice Psychology exams where when in doubt I can choose choice C"

BOGDAN - "The Ciganka Queen does not work for free. She will enchant the glasses for a price, and that is Saint George"

CETKO - "You should get your wish of a fine Serbian wife thrown in for that coin. It's 22 carat gold and a Ciganka can normally grant your wish for a few Convertible Marks"

BOGDAN - "Cetko, don't be greedy. You two will be granted a dualist power that when you two both wear your Oakleys and together cast a menacing gaze on people, nothing short of our newly developed Jadraka Kosor disguise will be as powerful"

SHREDDY - "I feel really weird right now"

CETKO - "I feel strange too. What did that pill do to us?"

BOGDAN - "That pill you took has granted you Panther Powers. It takes your most outstanding three abilities and raises them one order of magnitude. In the case of you Cetko, your strength has been magnified ten times. Your ability to figure out anything mechanical and improvise/craft objects with your hands has been increased tenfold, as has your ability to figure out the simplest solution to a very complicated problem."

SHREDDY - "What Panther Powers did I gain?"

BOGDAN - "Shreddy your gymnastic/acrobatic abilities have been increased tenfold. Your feminine intuition has been increased by an order of magnitude and if you are within 20 meters of a woman you can also read her mind. Plus finally your bodies ability to achieve an anabolic state on refined white sugar and white flour has been increased tenfold. Given 48 hours each kilo of white flour and white sugar you have can transform your body, it is our most advanced form of prosthetic makeup. However while you are in your anabolic state Cetko has to protect you as you will be in a coma and defenseless"

(Cetko reaches into his pocket and pulls out two freshly ironed pairs of white socks. He takes off the black socks that Shreddy gave him and puts on the white ones. He hands the other pair of white socks to Shreddy)

SHREDDY - "What are these white socks for? I want us to wear the Full Balkan gangster outfit of head to toe in black"

CETKO - "Shreddy, if you are wearing black socks people will think that you are gay. You wear white socks so that you can show the world that you are not gay as you have a woman to do your washing for you"

(Meanwhile Jovan Boskovic is over at the Ciganka Queens wagon. he gives her Shreddy's gold sovereign of indecision. The Ciganka Queen takes the gold coin and chops it in half with an axe. She places each half of the gold coin in a leather sack. She then kills two chickens with an axe and places their heads and entrails in each sack. Afterward she takes Cetko's Oakley Gascan Ducati edition and places them in one of the bags, and Shreddy's Oakley Gascans with the cross polarized lenses in the other sack. She then mumbles a gypsy spell and two bolts of lightning spring from the heavens, and hit the sacks. When the smoke from the lightning strike disappears, Cetko's and Shreddy's Oakleys are intact. Jovan thanks the Ciganka Queen and departs from her wagon.)

(meanwhile back at the ruins of Saint Peter's Church in Shreddy's ancestral village of Tinj, Cetko and Shreddy are practicing their new Panther Powers. Cetko holds down his hands and Shreddy steps on them with Cetko subsequently throwing Shreddy great distances with Shreddy vaulting through the air like a Chinese acrobat and catching tree branches or landing safely a great distance away on both feet)

SHREDDY - "Dudes this is fun. I was 90% of the way towards being able to achieve a standing back-flip and now I can out perform a Chinese acrobat"

CETKO - "Shreddy now that you can do things like a monkey, all I ask is that you don't throw monkey seamen at me."

BOGDAN - "Shreddy you can do standing back-flips now in seven inch heeled stiletto stripper shoes"

SHREDDY - "That is way to cool, my ultimate aim was to be able to do standing back-flips wearing four inch heeled black Nine West pumps"

CETKO - "Shreddy, when was the last time you went to confession. You strike me as some form of a sexual deviant"

SHREDDY - "Cetko, when was the last time you had sex with a woman that was not of the Orthodox faith"

(Cetko freezes motionless as he know Shreddy has his number. Other than visiting Banja Luka and going to the brothels there he has never had sex with a woman other than one of the Orthodox faith)

SHREDDY - " Your sister washes these white socks doesn't she?"

CETKO - "Yes I admit it my sister washes these white socks"

(Jovan Boskovic returns with the Oakleys from the Ciganka Queens wagon. Shreddy and Cetko both put their Gacsans on)

JOVAN - "This weapon of dualism is very powerful. Only a Pink Panther is immune to the effect of your menacing gaze"

SHREDDY - "What can these glasses allow us to do?"

(Ratko Simulic the master of smashing stolen Rolls Royces into walls returns. He opens his Panther Sack, and out tumbles in handcuffs with his mouth duct taped the Zagreb cop that tried to rob Shreddy)

SHREDDY - "It's you, the same little thieving round headed individual that conjugates with his mother"

(The thieving Zagreb cop has the look of terror in his eyes. Shreddy and Cetko both put on their Oakleys and cast a menacing gaze at the corrupt Zagreb cop. When the corrupt Zagreb cop sees the gaze of both Cetko and Shreddy wearing Oakleys, he has the mother of all diarrhea and craps his pants plus he pisses out all over himself two liters of urine. Bogdan removes the duct tape that covers the corrupt Zagreb cops mouth and he screams in agony. Cetko and Shreddy remove their Oakleys).

CORRUPT ZAGREB COP - "Please don't kill me? I am sorry for what I have done"

SHREDDY - "Will you ever try to rob a tourist again? Because if you do we will use the menacing gaze weapon on you in the center of Ban Jelancic square on a beautiful summer day when there are thousands of people there."

CORRUPT ZAGREB COP - "I swear on my grandmothers grave that I will never try to rob a tourist again. I also swear that I will from this moment on perform all of my duties in an honest and transparent manner in accordance with the Rule of Law"

SHREDDY - "Thank you Bogdan and Jovan for these powers. We can now tackle corruption one asshole at a time."

CETKO - "I would still prefer if you allowed a Herzegovian woman to make an asshole wish that he had never been born. I have some pet theories that I would rather be testing with these new Panther Powers"

Tito's Language & the New Croatian Doublespeak

Funny thing I notice when I compare Belgrade Serbia with Zagreb Croatia. I find that I have larger language barrier in Zagreb than I have in Belgrade. This is even the case when I am confronted with Cyrillic.

When Yugoslavia disintegrated, the intellectual (parasite) class in Zagreb performed an ethnic cleansing of Tito's unified language that was called Serbo-Croatian. They took out the words that helped people from different regions communicate thoughts and ideas and replaced them with words that confuse the common man.

Tito was a great man with a vision for his people. He wanted to bring literacy to the masses. He wanted to unify the people. He wanted the common man and the intellectual to have the capacity to exchange ideas. He created a unified language called Serbo-Croatian that could use a Latin or Cyrillic alphabet. He built schools so that the masses that were largely illiterate could learn to read and write. He had a dream that somehow this language would help unify the people and provide them with the tools to achieve greatness.

Unfortunately there was a criminal class that thought differently. When Yugoslavia disintegrated, the parasites in Zagreb went about performing a purge of words that were efficient for the exchange of ideas and they replaced them with words that were designed to confuse. They created a new Croatian language that I can barely understand.

My father was born in a small village that had no schools, where nobody but the Priest knew how to read or write. Tito built schools and he taught the people the unified language. This language Serbo-Croatian was my mother tongue. My father spent hours with me as a little boy teaching me how to read and write Tito's language. I was able to compose my first letter to my grandfather when I was six years old. This is thanks to my father's patience, effort and Tito's gift to his people.

When I hear the butchery of Tito's gift to the people I get angry. I see the confused look on peoples faces when they listen to the new Croatian doublespeak, and realize that an efficient mode of communication has been turned into a divisive hack job. What gets my goat the most is when I listen to the lies being parroted by the parasite class in Zagreb that the Serbian people have performed a similar butchery of Tito's unified language. This is completely untrue as when I go about Belgrade, I hear my first language and can communicate very effectively with everyone.

My second language was the Queens English. This language took over the world and became the international standard of communication because it allows for the most efficient articulation of ideas. The new Croatian doublespeak is very inefficient, and it is most shown by Mensa's ranking that shows that the Croatians have the lowest IQs of all the European people. Croatians are not as lacking in intelligence as the Mensa rankings would lead people to believe. They are crippled by the new Croatian doublespeak that only seams to effectively stratify the people between the highly educated, and those that are not highly educated.

If I had one wish for my people, it would be the return of Tito's unified language. If this was not possible, then I would wish that the Queen's English became the official language of the Republic of Croatia. I am certain that if either of these two wishes could occur, Croatia would be one of the highest ranked countries in Europe when Mensa measures average IQ's. However, what would become of the bloodsuckers that destroyed a marvelous tool that Tito gave to his people?

Looking for Trouble

Belgrade is one of the safest metropolis cities in the world. There are some bad parts that it is inadvisable to visit under any circumstances and these are on the fringes of New Belgrade where there are encampments of Gypsies. If you do not go out of your way to look for trouble and you take the most basic of tourist precautions. You can be assured of a safe and pleasant stay.

These are the recommendations that any sane and normal person should follow. But who would ever think that I am sane and normal.

How does a person find oneself in trouble? Usually it happens this way. You are walking down a sidewalk, and ahead of you are two young small hooligans pushing each other. As you walk by them, one of the young hooligans pushes the other young hooligan into you hard. You have two choices:

1> You straighten yourself out and continue on your way, and ignore the deliberate assault. This is the most advisable course of action as the young hooligans are merely having some fun and hoping that they run into another young hooligan with whom they can have some more fun.

2> You look at the two young punks and figure you can easily take them both single-handily as they are half your size and you shove the young hooligan that pushed the hooligan into you against a wall. This is the dumb course of action as there are 10 to 12 of his friends around a corner out of sight waiting for someone to do the dumb move. You will certainly get beaten up and most likely robbed too.

If the young hooligans are dressed head to toe in black, you have run into a band of junior gravediggers that are trying to make bones and become full fledged NK Partizan "Grobari" the most feared gang of football hooligans in the world.

Now if you either have a death wish, are borderline insane, or have the balls of a Cape Buffalo there is a third choice. Provided that you are wearing the "Full Balkan Gangster", black head to toe and a big gold chain that represents several years wages down in Serbia. You can go hunting for colors.

The game goes like this:

1> You spot two young hooligans dressed head to toe in black pushing each other on the sidewalk.

2> You put on your Oakleys and make a detour.

3> You go looking for the 10 to 12 friends that are hiding, hoping to burn off some youthful energy.

4> You walk right up to the ambush crew and point out to the leader that you are very aware of who they are and that you like his scarf.

5> You whip out a wad of Euros that represents a months wages.

6> You make a very fair offer to the leader for his colors that he can't refuse.

7> You buy his colors off him for 15 to 20 Euros.

8> You give them another 5 Euros so that the boys can have some beers on you.

My Serbian friends think I am absolutely insane, but I am not. If you do not show any fear and you walk straight up to the band of young hooligans. They will immediately assume that you are very heavily armed and very dangerous. Most of them will have knives, the leader might be packing a pistol. They will assume that you are either packing two expensive nice German pistols or a very expensive nice German sub-machine gun. You have successfully turned the tables and the hunter has become the hunted.

The kids are happy since they think they have met a serious bad-ass that they could hope to one day be like. The kids are also very happy because they can buy the scarf for 12 Euros at NK Partizan stadium, and they have some money for beer. They might even ask you to pose for a picture with them. If you don't crap your pants, you are very happy too as you have taken the colors off a gravedigger. Plus you have the satisfaction that you did so in a non-violent, fair and ethical transaction.

No wonder I love being in Belgrade..... Now to make it back to Canada where I will proudly be hanging my NK Partizan Grobari (Gravedigger) colors on my office wall.

Murphy's Law

What is it about Croatia? So far the only certainty I know of is anything that can go wrong always goes wrong. On Monday if everything goes wrong according to plan either or all of three things will happen.

1> Winter conditions will make it almost impossible to reach the Croatian Capitol, Zagreb. While all of Europe was busy getting their panties in a bunch over global warming nobody bothered to look outside and see that one of the coldest winters Europe has experienced was happening. The main expressway conecting the Croatian Capitol to the coast might be closed, or even worse alpine gusts called the Buras will be flipping cars, trucks and buses off of the expressway.

2> If I make it to the outskirts of Zagreb, I may have to endure a tractor blockade of the Capitol by the Slavonian wheat farmers who have not been paid for their 2008 wheat crop which they sold to the State, and the State subsequently sold to other parties, but there is no money to pay the farmers that grew the wheat. It is expected that 5,000 tractors will be blockading the Capitol.

3> Once I make it to Zagreb, the final certainty which is being robbed by either a car rental company, an official acting in some state capacity, a transit company. The most rapacious cab drivers in the world are in Zagreb. I took a 10 km ride to the airport to pick up a rental car and the price was approximately $55.00 USD. They have it worked out to a science that the longest distance between two points is proven by a Zagreb cabby.

One thing for sure Croatia's capital is anything but boring. Thankfully when I arrive I will be wearing my Oakleys.

Corruption in Croatia. Help me Pink Panthers....

(Shreddy is walking around the wasteland to the north of his ancestral village Tinj looking for the ruins of the Church of Saint Peter. This building was built 300 years ago and it was here that Stjepan Erlic the first known ancestor of Shreddy was married to Cvita Cirjack. All Erlic's except for the crew that Shreddy found in Targoviste were found to descend from this union. Shreddy rounds a corner and sees the ruins of the Church of Saint Peter. Much to his surprise Bogdan the master of disguise for the Pink Panthers the worlds foremost crew of jewel thieves from the Serbian city of Nis is meditating amidst the ruins)

SHREDDY - "Bogdan what are you doing here? You know my village is not the safest place for a Serb."

BOGDAN - "I was walking through the village and a farmer driving a tractor asked me who I was. I responded back in the 1958 Titoist Benkovac dialect and they just figured that I descend from on of the Villagers who fled these parts 52 years ago."

SHREDDY - "Did they ask you were you married?"

BOGDAN - "Of course they did. They told me that they can find me a good wife amongst the Bosankas that now reside in Benkovac."

SHREDDY - "I had a similar answer in Belgrade when they asked me how I learned to speak Serbian so well. I just told them my Mothers maiden name and they offered to find me a good wife."

BOGDAN - "They could barely understand a word that i said so they suggested a Bosanka for me. I guess I would have in-laws that make such good rakija (brandy) that it would not matter if they understood anything that I said."

SHREDDY - "So what brings you to these parts?"

BOGDAN - "I am here to offer you a deal. We know how much it breaks your heart when you see the rot and corruption that has infested Zagreb."

SHREDDY - "The thought of that den of thieves gives me an anxiety attack. I have been a non-smoker for 46 days, but whenever I think of Zagreb I want to light a cigarette."

BOGDAN - "We have liberated over one billion Euros worth of diamonds from various bourgeoisie pigs throughout the world. We need a safe place to stash our haul, so we had a council of Panthers and we could not think of a safer place on this planet to stash the loot than your village."

SHREDDY - "Well quid pro quo, what say so?"

BOGDAN - "Well here is the deal. We busted out three dead individuals from their souls eternal resting places Hell, the Purgatory, Heaven and kidnapped one living man. If you allow us to stash the diamonds in Tinj, we will leave one of these individuals behind to help you clean up Zagreb."

SHREDDY - "You know my luck with blind dates, I would like to know who have you got to offer."

(Shreddy hears some rustling in the bushes and sees Stipe Mesic the former President of Croatia walking towards him)

SHREDDY - "What the conjugative verb are you doing here you thieving individual who applies suction to a phallus."

BOGDAN - "Shreddy, don't insult our intelligence. That is not Stipe Mesic, it is Aleksandar Jovanovic our master painter. He penetrated the final layer of hell to spring someone out in the Panther sack."

ALEKSANDAR - "Hello Shreddy. Bogdan made me aware that you know where to find us but you refuse to betray our location no matter what the reward is. Also that you would risk your own life and safety to protect us, so as a man of honour I risked my life to help you."

(Aleksandar opens his Panther sack and the tortured form of the late Franjo Tudman, first President of the Republic of Croatia falls out of the sack. Franjo Tudman sees that he is no longer in hell and he sees that there are some rocks that have not been cemented to the ruins of the church and he starts shoving the rocks in his pockets)

SHREDDY - "Franjo, how does it feel to be in the final layer of hell?"

FRANJO TUDMAN - "It sucks Shreddy. Everything is nailed to the ground and I can't steal anything. I don't have my trusty tape recorder so I don't have the foggiest clue as to which of my many persona had an idea. I would do anything to get out of that place."

SHREDDY - "Answer me this question, and depending upon your answer the Panthers might secure your freedom."

FRANJO TUDMAN - "As I said I would do anything to get out of the final layer of hell."

SHREDDY - "If the Panthers sprung you from hell, what would you be prepared to do to help me clean up the corruption in Zagreb?"

FRANJO TUDMAN - "I would steal absolutely everything that is not nailed to the ground. Wealth corrupts, and if I left Croatia hungry and destitute there would be no corruption as there would be no means available to corrupt anybody."

SHREDDY - "I see that you still worship Mammon, and haven't changed your ways. It saddens me when I see Croatians worshipping you as in my opinion that is a form of Satanism. While I am tempted to set you free so as to prevent the Croats that worship you from suffering eternal damnation, I know that you are such a vile form of evil that the bottom layer of hell is where you belong with Arkan, Gojko, & Slobodan."

FRANJO TUDMAN - "Arkan moved out a couple of weeks ago and I have no clue where he is. Slobodan is my next door neighbour and he hates the place as much as I do. Gojko periodically gets sent to the layers of hell for greed and gluttony but he generally resides on a lava flow about 100 meters from the spike that I am impaled on."

SHREDDY - "Aleksandar if you could please kindly return this vile creature to the spike that he is impaled on, and do everything in your power to make sure that he cannot escape."

ALEKSANDAR - "As you wish Shreddy. You don't have to worry about him leaving as the only way to escape hell is to either get sprung by the Pink Panthers, or have God grant a miracle when a person prays to Tudman. I was playing poker with God last week and he told me that he will grant a miracle to a prayer to Tudman the day hell freezes."

(Aleksandar pistol whips Tudman knocking him unconscious and places Tudman back in the Panther Sack. He does a standing back flip and vaults over the wall of Saint Peters Church and disappears. A moment later Jadranka Kosor rounds the corner and Shreddy takes one look at her and goes into a state of paralysis. Bogdan smiles, as he knows that the Jadranka Kosor costume he designed has the effect of Medusa's gaze. He pulls some smelling salts and revives Shreddy)

BOGDAN - "I introduce to you Jovan Milanovic, our reconnaissance specialist."

JOVAN - "Dobar Dan (Good Day) Shreddy. It is a pleasure to finally meet you. Sorry that we used you as a guinea pig for our Medusa weapon, but the thought that we could rob the European Central Bank without using any physical force is very appealing."

SHREDDY - "So who did you spring from the purgatory to possibly help me clean up Croatia?"

(Jovan opens his Panther Sack and out tumbles Vjekoslav Luboric )

SHREDDY - "What on earth are you doing in the purgatory? I thought that you would be sent to hell for your performance during 1945."

VJEKOSLAV - "I suspected that I would be sent to hell forever, but I was too bad-ass for that place, and God was worried that the fear of me would empty hell out. So he figured the best place for me was the purgatory forever."

SHREDDY - "How would you go about cleaning up the mess in Zagreb?"

VJEKOSLAV - "I would use bait to catch the bandit then torture a confession out of him. Afterwards I would have a Franciscan read him his last rights and I would slit the bandits throat with my dagger on HR TV1 live. Then we could have a party and everybody could get drunk. We would make it a weekly event."

SHREDDY - "I feel uncomfortable that there is no due process. One man playing judge, jury and executioner is just plain wrong."

VJEKOSLAV - "How about I get the man that threw the live pregnant cat out of a window in Zagreb shattering its pelvis to be my torturer. That way all I have to do is be the executioner. I can dress in my Sunday best and dispatch the corrupt government official."

SHREDDY - "Vjekoslav, I am sorry. While I think your heart is in the right place I feel uncomfortable with your methods. You need more time in the purgatory to mellow out, so Jovan if you can please take Mr. Luboric back to where he belongs."

(Vjekoslav does the Ustasha salute and politely hops back into the Panther sack. Jovan does a standing back-flip and disappears from Saint Peters Church. Afterwards, Marshall Tito walks around the corner and appears before Shreddy)

SHREDDY - "Marshall Tito, it is an honour to meet you."
(Marshall Tito chuckles and pulls off his mask and reveals that he is not Marshall Tito)

BOGDAN - "I kindly introduce to you Ratko Simulic, our engineering expert. He has worked the art of smashing concrete walls with stolen Rolls Royces into a science. If a Serb didn't build it Ratko can find a way to destroy it."

SHREDDY - "Ratko Bre."

RATKO - "Howdy Shreddy. I got someone really special in the bag for you. A Croat who was betrayed by Franjo Tudman and Gojko Susak thereby earning Franjo and Gojko a place in hell."

(Ratko opens the panther sack and out rolls Blaz Kraljevic, the leader of the HOS militia that was fighting to keep Bosnia & Herzegovina intact)

BLAZ - "What is this place?"

SHREDDY - "You are standing amongst the ruins of the Church of Saint Peter in the Village of Tinj. Do you know that this was a dualist church with one entrance consecrated for Orthodox Christians and another entrance Consecrated for Catholics. It was a dualist building that recognizes that only a schism separates the faith of the Croatians from the faith of the Serbs."

BLAZ - "Why am I here?"

SHREDDY - "Do you have any idea of what has been happening in Croatia since August of 1992, when you were murdered by the orders of Tudman & Susak?"

BLAZ - "I have absolutely no idea of what has been going on in Croatia? Who won the war?"

SHREDDY - "The profiteers did. They killed 250,000 people so that they could line their own pockets. The Serbian people, and the Croatians both Muslim and Catholic suffered. In fact the Muslim Croatians were so sickened by their betrayal that they no longer consider themselves Muslim Croatians but Bosniaks."

BLAZ - "Thank God I did not have to watch what has become of my people."

SHREDDY - "Bogdan & Ratko, I know this man has a clean conscious and that he would be the best ally for cleaning up this mess, however he has suffered enough by the hand of his own people. He has earned the eternal reward of being insulated from the madness. He deserves to be living by Gods side in perpetual bliss. I could never live with myself if you left him to the vipers in Zagreb."

BLAZ - "Thank you Shreddy. I suspect that if I was assigned to help you I would fall into a deep depression when In see what has become of my people."

(Ratko opens up his Panther Sack and Blaz Kraljevic climbs in. Ratko does a standing back flip over the wall and disappears)

SHREDDY - "Bogdan I appreciate all that you have done for me. It appears that Croatia has too big a mess for any two human beings to clean up. You have my blessing to stash 1 billion Euros worth of diamonds in Tinj. However I cannot guarantee the safety of the stones as the local Tinj Torcida crew might get drunk, find the stash and then decide to fire the diamonds with their slingshots into the minefields that ring the village."

BOGDAN - "If the kids want to get drunk and shoot the diamonds into random spots in the mind fields, that is their business. We don't want these blood stones hitting the market as more than enough suffering has been endured by innocent people for these evil glassified pieces of coal. Hell if the kids want to pulverize them with sledgehammers and add it as gizzard grit to the chicken food is fine with us Panthers."

SHREDDY - "Then as head of the Brkanjci Clan, you have my blessing to stash the rocks in Tinj as I know here nobody would give a flying hoot about those pieces of glass."

BOGDAN - You forget that we have a fourth person to help you. He is 72 years old, and we kidnapped him from Milan Italy. His village in Herzegovina hit some hard times during the economic crisis, so they drew lots as to who had to go to Milan Italy and work as a men's underwear model to support the town.

(Bogdan opens his Panther Sack and out tumbles a man with a body like that sported by Brad Pitt in the movie Fight Club. He looks like he is thirty years old and he is wearing tidy whities)

BOGDAN - "I kindly introduce to you Cetko the Herzegovian."

CETKO - "Somebody get me some clothes, this draft is going to kill me......"

SHREDDY - "Cetko do you fear anything?"

CETKO - "I am a pure blooded Herzegovian. I fear nothing but drafts (Prohpuv), germs and masturbating monkeys. Four or five shots of rakija (brandy) and I will stare down Satan himself."

(Shreddy reaches into his bag of tricks and pulls out a freshly ironed white shirt, a black pair of slacks, black wool socks, a pair of black vintage Doc Martens, a black sweater, black leather gloves, a black preppie Coat, a black toque and finally a black pair of Oakley Gascans. Cetko puts on the clothing and looks at Shreddy)

CETKO - "We look like twins. Are you gay Shreddy?"

SHREDDY - "No Cetko, I am not gay. I am a Canadian Citizen who just happens to be so polite that it seems that way. I am looking for a partner to take part in a crazy adventure. I can't guarantee you anything, but I assure you I am up for getting into some serious trouble."

CETKO - "Serious Trouble? Hmmm, being pure blooded Herzegovian I live for trouble."

SHREDDY - "Zagreb is rotten to the core. We have too big a mess here for a thousand human being to clean up. However you and I together can take one ass-hole at a time and make him wish that they had never been born."

CETKO - "All it would take is just one pure blooded Herzegovian woman to make an ass-hole wish he had never been born. Leave the clean up job to her, I have some theories and hypothesis that I want to test. By the way do you have a cigarette, and I don't mean a counterfeit Montenegrin Marlboro."

SHREDDY - "Sorry Cetko but I don't smoke."

(Cetko covers his buttocks with his hands and stares menacingly at Shreddy)

CETKO - "Are you sure Shreddy that you are not gay?"

SHREDDY - "I am as straight as a pin. My fashion sense comes as a side effect of a natural herbal medicine that I eat as part of my bodies rejuvenation process. I can spot knock off from 100 meters, plus I have almost gained the ability to think when required like a woman."

CETKO - "You know that there is not one single gay in all of Herzegovina. Go to Zagreb or Split, 20% are gay. I could smell it."

SHREDDY - "I too am of pure West Herzegovian bloodlines. My Y Chroma-zone comes from the vicinity of Siroki Brijeg, and my X comes from Ljubuski."

CETKO - "OK you have proven to me that you are not gay. Do any of your bloodlines come from Zagreb or Split?"

SHREDDY - "Heaven forbid no. My DNA analysis tells me that I am of pure Illyric Blood"

CETKO - "So your ancestors did not learn how to do filthy things from the monkeys by the Black Sea?"

SHREDDY - "For 20,000 years my ancestors could not comprehend that there was anything east of the Carpathian Mountains" (Chetko offers his right hand to Shreddy, and they shake hands)

CETKO - "Partners in mischief"

SHREDDY - "Partners in mischief"

(Bogdan opens a gold box. In it are two pills that give an individual Panther Powers. Shreddy takes one pill, Cetko takes the other pill. Cetko pulls out a bottle of rakija (brandy) and Shreddy and Cetko wash them down with the brandy)

BOGDAN - "One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small, and the pills that the Panthers give you, grant the power to do all"

SHREDDY - "I just hope I don't see white mice talking backwards"

to be continued....