The Adventues of Cetko The Herzegovian & Shreddy - part d

(We start our scene where we left off. Cetko the Herzegovian is wearing a Franciscan Robe with white body paint on his face. He had just left the Zagreb flat of Radojka the statuesque Serbian Man Eater, two inches taller and two dress sizes slimmer than the comparable Zagreb woman, who is the girlfriend of Cetko's identical twin older brother Father Metko the Franciscan Priest. Radojka has been the entire time under the impression that Cetko is his identical twin brother Father Metko. Cetko is carrying his bag of tricks with a piece of duct tape with the word DIPLOMATIC written on it with a black Sharpie marker. Inside the bag of tricks is Shreddy in a carbohydrate induced coma going through a metamorphosis thanks to the power of prosthetic makeup that was granted to him by the Pink Panthers, The World's Foremost Gang of Jewel Thieves From the Serbian City of Nis. Currently Shreddy is in the form of the Ultimate Croatian Male, Slaven Bilic coach of the Croatian National Football (Soccer to North Americans) Team. In addition to a comatose Shreddy, there are 433,197 Euros in cash, 204 Euros worth of mechanical and electronic parts, twenty four 50ml bottles of Serbian Zuta Osa (Yellow Wasp in Serbian) sljivovica (plum brandy), and enough baked goods made by his 54 year old never married sister Anica to feed a infantry battalion for a year.)

(Cetko grabs his mobitel and speed dials his identical twin brother father Metko)

FATHER METKO - "Ivanka has made reservations for me to fly to Far West Mostar for later this afternoon 4PM your time"

CETKO - "I hope its not Croatia Airlines."

FATHER METKO - "Of course not, I am a Herzegovian Franciscan, I only fly Lufthansa or private jets. You have your delivery clearly labelled I would assume."

CETKO - "I used Duct Tape and a black Sharpie marker."

FATHER METKO - "Just do not get too drunk, because you are me. Also to the faceless bureaucrat who is trying to snivel his or her way to a pension monitoring international long distance telephone calls when they should be harassing Muslims, the Croatian dirty words for your mother doing things with dogs."

(Cetko drives off to Zagreb Airport in the Peugeot 207 that Shreddy had rented. As he had just been torn apart by a Serbian Man Eater, two inches taller and two dress sizes slimmer than the comparable Zagreb woman, he is calm and can deal with Shreddy's rental Peugeot not being a black Mercedes)

(Meanwhile back in Far West Mostar, in his post minimalist office with autographed hockey jerseys by the Mahovolich brothers on his wall, and a collection of rare old electric guitars adorning the other walls Father Metko turns to his niece Ivanka the Nun who is at the work station in the far left corner)

FATHER METKO - "So what have you been able to decipher about Shreddy's prosthetic makeup"

IVANKA - "It is amazing, if he is rendered unconscious and pressure fed refined carbohydrate in the manner of a Fois Gras goose, he can change his body into any human form that is equal to his mass plus or minus the refined carbohydrate."

FATHER METKO - "How is it controlled?"

IVANKA - "In simplest terms it is a function of Shreddy's intention. The last form that Shreddy wants to be before he lapses into a coma, is the form that he evolves to provided there is enough carbohydrates."

FATHER METKO - "Could he turn into a woman?"

IVANKA - "I don't see why not. He would require the intention to turn into a woman before he drifted off"

FATHER METKO - "Why on earth would he have wanted to turn into Slaven Bilic? The man is a complete degenerate."

(Ivanka's mind for a moment drifts back to an evening over seventeen years ago when Shreddy went out for a date with her and brought her home 15 minutes before her Father Ivan, Cetko and Metko's deceased older brother told Shreddy to bring her home by.)

IVANKA - "Maybe he has lost his mind?"

The Deadly Oakley Dare - To Members of The Fearless Few

My five months journey into the worlds of Professors; Masters; Johnson; Kinsey; Goodall & cold shameless brutal candour has begun.

Shreddy is wearing the colours of Finland on his toes.

If 1,000 of the Fearless Few worldwide placed the simplified National Flag of Origin of "The Best Shag of Their Life" as of May 1, 2010 on their toes, there would be a tapestry of national symbols. If the Fearless Few all continued their dare until September 21, 2010, I would bet my life that three countries National Flags of Origin would be on more than 500 members of the Fearless Few's toes.

Here are my predictions if a population of 1,000 brave qualified souls doing the test:

Not more than one of the three countries that achieved a greater than 50% paint over would be one of Europe's 6 Major Powers (Russia, United Kingdom, Germany, France, Spain, Italy)

Finland would not be one of the three countries. Finland would not materially change. However many Finn casualties that would result from ruthless Russians and Swedes, would more than be made up by Ruthless Russians and Swedes having Finland achieve a paint over.

A tiny European Country would be known as the Mouse That Roared. (95% of North Americans could not point out on map of Europe).

Several major European players would be extremely embarrassed as their colours would be painted over often.

People would gain the ability by looking at the toes of the Fearless Few (the fittest 1%), to have an authoritative answer to a burning question that any normal healthy primate has asked oneself.

Please check on my earlier post on the Deadly Oakley Dare.

If you are the real deal, SHREDDY DARES YOU.

Vuja De

Deja Vu, we have all had it. That sneaking feeling that somehow we had been somewhere or in some situation before.

Vuja De must be the opposite. That sneaking feeling that some silly abstract construct of the past might be in a reconstructed form the actual future.

May 1, 2010 will be the 50th anniversary of my clan setting up a Far Western cluster in Canada. It will be the day after April 30, 2010 the Canadian Income Tax filing deadline. It will be day 1 of the Deadly Dare.

Art Imitating Life or Life Imitating Art

Is there an art to living? Or is living an art?

They say that art is a snapshot, however abstract it may be of life itself.

An adventure is an life becoming an abstract of art.

A Devious Dare to Oakley Wearers & A Grand Scientifc Experiment

I have an open dare to every unattached bad boy or girl with sufficient credibility to wear Oakleys without looking like a poser. It is a dangerous dare and it very well could cost you your life. It requires one to spend approximately $100 and own a satchel (man purse), or handbag. The reward if you get killed is knowing that your life was given in the name of science. The reward if you survive could very well be the most memorable summer of your life. If sufficient brave bad boys or girls take me up on the challenge, through observation I should be able to arrive at some conclusion to a burning pet theory of mine.

What this challenge requires is nice weather, flip flops, bravery, a satchel/purse, Oakleys and approximately $100 worth of nail polish. I would suggest using one of the better quality brands of nail polish such as O.P.I. which costs $10 to $15 a bottle. Using a cheaper brand of nail polish would in my opinion be disrespectful and my challenge is open only to men or women with sufficient credibility to wear Oakleys. A poser wearing Oakleys would be disrespectful, while someone with sufficient credibility to wear Oakleys without being a poser is respectful or they would never have arrived to their station in life where they are wearing Oakleys and not giving off poser vibes.

The colours you need to buy are:

White
Red
Blue
Yellow
Green
Black
Orange
Purple
Gold

The dare is this. Starting May 1, 2010 & continuing to September 21, 2010

1> Get a Smiley Face painted on each of your big toes.

2> Get the simplified version of the flag of ethnic origin of "The Best Shag of Your Life" painted on your other four toes of each foot. Some examples would be St George's Cross for England; a green clover leaf for Ireland; horizontal red, white and blue for Croatia; Saint Andrew's Cross for Scotland: black, yellow, red for Germany, etc.

3> Carry your nail polish and condoms in your satchel or purse at all times while wearing Oakleys and flip flops.

4> Have the courage to tell any member of the opposite sex of 21 years of age or older that asks you why you are wearing toenail polish. "As a show of respect to the tribe whose person has given you the best shag of your life."

5> Allow any man or woman (provided they meet your standards for appearance, intelligence & hygiene) that desires a chance to change your toenail colour the opportunity to try.

Number 5 I would consider extremely important for women. The biggest complaint I hear from my female friends is that men are way too timid and too frightened to initiate anything. Saint George's Cross just might be the catalyst to provide some timid man the courage to not scurry away.

To anybody with the courage to take me up on my dare, wear your flip flops as Shreddy's eyes are everywhere. I might be leading you to your death, but the journey there will certainly be more of an adventure. That is my promise and you have my word.

The Adventues of Cetko The Herzegovian & Shreddy - part c

(We start our scene where we left off last time. Father Metko the Franciscan is trying to revive his niece Ivanka the Nun. She had just found out that her Uncle Cetko (Father Metko's younger identical twin is alive) and that he has Shreddy in his custody. All the while Shreddy is in the comatose form of Slaven Bilic, the coach of Croatia's National Football team (Soccer to North Americans). Shreddy had gone on one date with Ivanka seventeen years previously and brought her home 15 minutes before her father named Ivan (Cetko & Metko's older brother) had told Shreddy to bring her home. Father Metko is trying to revive Ivanka by playing the train wreck part of the Ultra-Nationalist Croatian band Thompson song "King Zvonomir's Curse" and he is having no effect. He reaches for his cell and hits the first # on speed dial. The cell rings, and he places it next to Ivanka's ear. There is an answer on the other end)

VOICE ON OTHER END - "Dobar Dan Metko, bre"

(Upon hearing the voice Ivanka suddenly revives. Her eyes open wide and they have the automaton look as if she has been possessed by a demon. She sits erect, her hand reaches for the letter opener on Father Metko's desk which is a scale replica of Marko Perkovic's sword from the Croatian Ultra-Nationalist band Thompson. She lets out a KIAI scream and swings at Father Metko with the letter opener. Luckily father Metko knows about Ivanka's tendency to swing at the closest human being with a sharp pointed object whenever she hears the voice of Father Metko's friend, and he luckily escapes death by moving out of the way. Ivanka drives the sword 10 centimetres into the solid oak desk top of Father Metko's desk and upon doing so snaps out of her near demonic possession. Father Metko is breathing heavily as he is aware that he is very lucky to have escaped with his life. He picks up his cell phone which was still on talk with the voice on the other end of the line, #1 on Father Metko's speed dial)

VOICE ON THE OTHER END - "Jesus Christ, she is still blaming me. What the fuck is her problem? Are you OK bro?"

FATHER METKO - "Thanks to you I still am. I tried the train wreck part of that Thompson song from the 39 second mark to the 43 second mark ten times and to no avail. I had no choice but to turn to you."

VOICE ON THE OTHER END - "Bro it's always a pleasure to be of assistance. Ivanka should try BC bud to control her anger outbursts. If she can't get over her issue, she can very easily kill an innocent human being one day."

FATHER METKO - "If only we had done something when we had had the chance."

VOICE ON THE OTHER END - "Dude, I had nothing to do with what happened. Your hands are all over this one my friend. I warned you that this could happen, but you had to listen to that twin of yours. I pray for his wicked departed soul every night before I go to bed."

FATHER METKO - "I have to attend to Ivanka. Thanks for having my back. Bre"

VOICE ON THE OTHER END - "I will always have your back. Bre"

(Father Metko turns off his mobitel and turns back towards his desk where he sees his niece Ivanka with her hands still firmly holding the letter opener that is a miniature sword given to Father Metko by Marko Perkovic, Ultra-Nationalist Croatian singer that goes by the stage name "Thompson". She had just driven the sword four inches into solid oak after in an automaton state she had taken a swing with the miniature sword at her uncle Metko the Franciscan Priest. Ivanka the nun is sobbing almost uncontrollably)

IVANKA - "I am so sorry Stric Metko, I nearly killed you again."

FATHER METKO - "There is nothing for you to be sorry about."

IVANKA - "I have spent the last two years in near solid non stop prayer trying to get over it but it seems to no avail. I have even taken up running again to clear my mind of the prayer in the hopes that it would help."

FATHER METKO - "We all have our personal demons that we spend our lives dealing with. Hopefully we are given enough time to atone and hopefully be free of our demons before God decides to take us.

IVANKA - "If I ever hurt you that would be the end of me."

FATHER METKO - "Don't say things like that. If the worst outcome had happened God would not have weighed that on your soul."

(Ivanka lets go of the miniature sword hugs her uncle Father Metko, and continues trembling and sobbing. Metko comforts his niece.)

(Meanwhile we shift back to Radojka's Zagreb flat. After six hours of noise that sounded like a Man Eater devouring her kill, Radojka & Cetko emerge from the bedroom. Radojka in her blond haired six foot tall, size four splendour is beaming as she had just devoured Cetko thinking he was her boyfriend Father Metko the Franciscan Priest. She is also smiling as she has perfected painting the Serbian Flag on the male torso, and Cetko having a body like Brad Pitt from his performance in "Fight Club" was her living canvass. Cetko emerges wearing trousers with the whole top of his body painted as the Serbian Flag. The Double Eagle, perfectly painted on his chest.)

RADOJKA - "Metko you look so good I want to eat you again."

CETKO PRETENDING HE IS METKO - "I would so love to have another go dear but God's work is calling, I have to get Slaven Bilic to Far West Mostar so we can put him in a special rehab where we can save him from himself. Most important is that none of the betting parlours get wind of my intervention."

RADOJKA - "No better hands to leave information like that with than in those of a Serbian woman. Remember I am not hardwired to deliberately undermine any effort."

CETKO PRETENDING HE IS METKO - "Please don't remind me of that."

RADOJKA - "I wasn't trying to make a dig. I apologize for not being sensitive enough in light of. I should have been more appropriate in my choice of words."

CETKO PRETENDING HE IS METKO - "I have to go to the guest room and get Slaven wrapped up as a diplomatic package. I have to go over some briefing materials so I will have to be left alone for at least fifteen minutes."

RADOJKA - "Take all the time you need dear"

(Radojka smiles and you see the sparkle in the eye of a Serbian Man Eater after she knows she had left the man she devoured a "Happy Kill". She assumes Metko needs to go pray to God, as he does not generally cut as much slack to Roman Catholics as he does to Serbian Orthodox individuals. She is aware that God does cut extra slack for specifically the Herzegovian Franciscans, so she does find it odd that Metko has to go pray after twelve hours of sordid shagging.)

(Cetko goes into the guest room and starts counting his money. he has 445,197 Euros mainly in 100 Euro notes. It represents 430,435 Euros as the 15% commission from the Pink Panther's money that was that was forced onto the hands of them against their will. The Pink Panthers being, The Worlds Foremost Gang of Jewell Thieves from the Serbian City of Nis, don't steal money just gems and expensive watches. It is the stupid staff of the Jewelery stores that force the Panthers to take the money in addition to the jewels and the Panthers became burdened with 3,300,000 Euros that way. The residual of the 3.3 million minus Cetko's 15% share had been distributed in his village with half going to his never married 54 year old sister Anica, and the remainder divided into 492 equal shares for the remainder of the villagers. Cetko's village had 494 inhabitants and it is somewhere between Mostar and Siroki Brijeg. In the 23,000 years that Cetko's village has been in the same place, nobody has bothered to give the village a name. There are a further 14,000 Euros that Shreddy had given Cetko as his share of the proceeds from Shreddy's act of terrorism driving all the Bosanci & Hercegovci out of the exclusionary club in Croatia that did not allow Croatia Proper Croatians as members, even though the club is situated on the recognized territory of Croatia Proper. There is a further 782 Euros that Cetko lifted as commissions off the comatose Shreddy. The only funds missing are the 20 Euros that he spent on body paint so Radojka could paint his torso as the Serbian Flag. He counts out 12,000 Euros, and he places the remainder of his money minus the 12,000 into the bag of tricks. He takes all of the electronics and mechanical parts he bought and places them in his bag of tricks. He takes the comatose Shreddy and places him in his bag of tricks. He takes some duct tape, places a 30 cm piece on the outside of the bag and writes the word "DIPLOMATIC" on his bag with a black Sharpie. He emerges from the room with his bag wearing the Franciscan Robe that Radojka had given him.)

RADOJKA - "You so turn me on when you dress for your day job."

CETKO PRETENDING HE IS METKO - "You so turn me on 24/7."

(He hands Radojka 12,000 Euros. Rodojka takes the wad of 100 Euro notes and can tell immediately by the weight that there are 12,000 Euros there.)

RADOJKA - "You are just too funny. What is it about exactly 12,000 Euros and Herzegovian women? The more we shag the more I start developing pet theories."

CETKO PRETENDING HE IS METKO - "Lets just keep everything that happened very quiet. Just go out and buy yourself some shoes."

RADOJKA - "Serbian Man Eater growl"

CETKO PRETENDING HE IS METKO - "See you as soon as I can dear."

(Cetko leaves Radojka's flat carrying his diplomatic pouch dressed as a Franciscan Priest. However he has forgot to remove the body paint from his face and he looks like a Star wars charterer. He is completely oblivious to this as he has spent the best 24 hours of his life being devoured by a Serbian Man Eater, two inches taller and two dress sizes slimmer than the comparable Zagreb woman.)

The Pear Shape be Gone - The Dawn of The Fabulizer

Fat apologists seem to be going easy on the pears. Today contemporary nutritionists, television fitness gurus & wedding planners have a vested interest in not raising a stink about the pear shape on women.

Here is an interesting statistic. Since 1980 the average waist circumference of a 40 year old woman in Canada has increased by 10 centimetres which is 4 inches. That means all things being equal if we are looking at 3 women of 40 years of age and one has a 1980 waist circumference, the other two would have 1980 waist circumferences plus an expected addition 15 centimetres (6 inches). The pears are exploding, yet there is no sound basis as to why this is happening other than senseless gorging on nutritious food.

The pear evolved for a reason. A woman's body would store large amounts of fat in the saddle bags so if they wound up pregnant during a period of no food, there would be enough stored fat to keep a woman alive and provide energy for a fetus to gestate and grow. If there was no food after the fetus became a baby, the saddle bags would serve as a further store of energy so the mother could lactate and feed the baby much like a female Gray Whale does on the journey from the Baja Peninsula (where they calf) to Alaska where they eat.

If you are a woman and getting pregnant during a expected food shortage is not on your horizon, HAVING A PEAR SHAPE IS INEXCUSABLE.

What Your Pear Shape is Doing to the Planet:

1> Contributing to man made climate change. This happens because you eat more requiring more hydrocarbons to get the unnecessary amounts of food to you. If you travel, your CO2 footprint is dramatically increased. It takes twice as much hydrocarbons to fly a 5'10" size 14 across the Atlantic than it does to fly a 5'2" size 2 across the Atlantic.

2> Contributing to desertification. The bigger the pear, the more cotton required to drape over the pear. Cotton farming is one of the most destructive agricultural practices mankind developed. One just has to look at the Aral Sea to see the effects of this.

3> Placing a tax burden on your fellow citizens. The larger the pear, the faster the pears joints wear out costing the taxpayers a fortune in hip and knee replacements.

I am certain that I have found a way to do away with the Pear Shape. It is not right, it is not natural, it is not good for the planet and most of all it is not good for the woman living in an expanding pear. My solution does not require a gym membership, buying overpriced portion controlled meals, or drugs. It requires the belief that the pear shape has outlived it's evolutionary usefulness, and the ability to formulate in ones mind the intention to not be an evolutionary throwback.

I am in the process of formalizing what I have learned about physiology during my own two year journey of body transformation so I can one day soon earn my daily bread sharing what I know with others.

Will I be a personal trainer? Highly unlikely as my philosophy and methods are totally contrary to what any recognized personal trainer certification program teaches. More than likely the YM/YWCA would have me burned as a heretic. No gym would hire me as I would be telling their customers that they are wasting their time, money and harming their bodies.

Will I be a nutritionist? Highly unlikely as I have seen what nutritionists generally look like, Pears that are dress size 10 to dress size 14. What basis of authority can any woman who is a dress size 10 to 14 claim to have about nutrition?

Will I be a life coach? Highly unlikely as I am not the most virtuous living of human beings. I work out a total of one hour a week and I am a creature that is prone to flights of fancy. I can be living an extremely structured regimented life for months. All of a sudden the desire to follow my mind, heart or loin strikes me and I am off on another crazy adventure. Estonia anyone?

I have decided to give my self the title of the The Fabulizer. It is a new word and it means "an individual who transforms bodies with the pure intention of making the body look fabulous". Basically my job will entail being a Michelangelo and my clients are going to be living marble. I am going to start making an income as an artist and my works of art will be very precious, as they will be the temples that people's souls reside in. I will be taking Pears and turning them into Glamazons.

Happy Birthday Hitler

(We temporarily abandon Shreddy's previous adventures to find him back where he belongs, in Victoria, BC, in his home fitness studio listening to the British Rock Band Oasis working out on his horizontal bar. It is less than 50 days to the start of the World Cup in Football (Soccer for North Americans) and Shreddy is preparing his body to have Saint George's Cross painted onto it with lipstick and cold cream as his Y line team Croatia has been eliminated (isn't Karma a bitch), but his X line team England (due to a Celtic X line) is in the World Cup).

(The Oasis song "Shock of the Lightning", starts playing and Shreddy starts doing the full body Union Jack, from his horizontal bar so as all the better to intimidate fans from teams other than England. Adolph Hitler walks into Shreddy's fitness studio carrying a wrapped box with a bow on it that appears to be a gift. As Shreddy is in the middle of the full body Union Jack from the horizontal bar, Hitler knows better to watch Shreddy and not interrupt him as the quickest way to commit suicide is to interrupt Shreddy when he is in the midst of an exercise set. Shreddy does his Union Jack which is a series of rotational torso thrusts, gymnast pikes, a suspended yoga cobra topped off with a kip. For the first time ever he is able to exceed 60 seconds on an exercise where the object is to go as slow as possible.)

(Shreddy dismounts to a ballet point and turns around and sees Adolph Hitler in his studio)

SHREDDY - "Happy 11th squared birthday Hitler"

HITLER - "Oh Shreddy thank you for remembering. I was worried that I was fading into irrelevance in my golden years."

SHREDDY - "You are more relevant than ever today. Look at your shining successes; the anti-smoking movement, PETA, Political Correctness, and Kangaroo tribunals everywhere that purport to advance the cause of human rights yet they only seem to sugarcoat the actions of assholes"

HITLER - "I am always touched by how sensitive you are, and how you always remember my birthday."

SHREDDY - "I don't remember your birthday. Today is international Marijuana Legalization Day. At exactly 4:20 all citizens of conscious who think for themselves meet up in a public place light the marijuana and protest the actions of thugs that don't think for themselves that are trying to put a mental straitjacket on society. It is a bloody pity that your birthday coincides with this day."

HITLER - "Anyhow today is not about me, it is about you. Congratulations on going 100 days without smoking cigarettes. What does it feel like to spend more than three months not behaving like a slender degenerate European fiend?"

SHREDDY - "I am feeling quite nauseous right now. Just let me have a pull off of Bubble 007. I find he makes you easier to handle."

HITLER - "Don't mix any tobacco with it please."

SHREDDY - "You are in my studio. We are not at "The Jews in Oak Bay" where they mix tobacco with their BC Bud just to ensure that you are not lurking about. I assure you Adolph it is 100% Pink Kush Hippy Crack"

(Shreddy goes to his trusted friend Bubble 007 and takes a massive heave of of it, and exhales a smoke cloud that fills his fitness studio).

HITLER - "Jesus Christ, I could almost get high off of the second hand toke."

SHREDDY - "I wish you would. Maybe you would learn something called tolerance."

HITLER - "I brought you a present in recognition of your 100 days without a cigarette."

SHREDDY - "A nice Serbian woman in her early 30s that would like to have a child with me?"

HITLER - "You know the Serbs can't stand me. Besides, you are Catholic, you are supposed to marry a Croatian woman."

SHREDDY - "Please Hitler, the rare Croatian woman might find me attractive, but their families ultimately think I am an idiot because I smoke pot, so I am an untouchable."

HITLER - "You don't have to start smoking tobacco. Just gamble lots and learn how to fall into a puddle of your own pee when you get drunk. But most importantly lay off the pot. If you have an anxiety attack a nice Croatian woman's family would far rather you backhand her than smoke marijuana to deal with your anxiety. More than one of your priests will counsel her to continue bearing the abuse, as the alternative might be pot smoking."

SHREDDY - "That is specifically why I do NOT want a Croatian woman. I am not about to turn into a complete degenerate, or set my body up for chronic health conditions just to make a family of Croatians happy."

(Hitler hands Shreddy the gift box. Shreddy acknowledges Hitler with a thanks and opens the box. Inside is a Jersey for the Zagreb Football Club Dinamo, in a size large.)

SHREDDY - "Thank you Hitler. What made you think of this?"

HITLER - "You are Croatian and you can't wear a Red Stars Belgrade Jersey."

SHREDDY - "Why not? In 1991 before the former Yugoslavia disintegrated, Red Star Belgrade was a multi-ethnic team built around a Croatian Football midfielder, Robert Prosenecki containing players from all the republics of the former Yugoslavia, and they were World Champions. I wear the 1991 style jersey that was selected for me with great care by a Serbian Man Eater."

HITLER - "This Dinamo Jersey was picked out for you by a Croatian Woman. It will serve as bait to attract a nice Croatian woman towards you."

SHREDDY - "What so I can get saddled with a future Bridezilla, that will have a few children for me and teach the children to hate Serbs for no logical reason."

HITLER - "Precisely. Place you in a situation where you will be so miserable that you will start to learn how to hate again."

(Shreddy goes to his drying rack and pulls off his Red Star Belgrade 1991 World Champions Jersey in a size Medium, that was selected with great care for him by the Serbian Man Eater. She spent half an hour getting Shreddy to try on different jersey's until she found the one that would most make a Serbian Man Eater want to devour Shreddy for lunch. Shreddy puts it on, feels sexy and he turns and faces Hitler.)



HITLER - "Jesus Christ turn that shirt off."

SHREDDY - " FC Dresden, beaten. Bayern Munich, beaten. Right after Germany re-unified to near your boundaries, Tito's Yugoslavia was able to show the world that as a united people they were more than capable of bitch slapping Germany to it's rightful place. Yugoslavia's Bitch"

HITLER - "Ah but us Germans fixed that. At one time they were something, but thanks to the Croatian & Slovenian nationalists they are nothing but a cluster of small countries with small country syndrome."

SHREDDY - "That you did. Your people provided diplomatic recognition for two horrible little mistakes called Croatia and Slovenia just so Germany didn't have to worry about being humiliated by Yugoslavia many times again"

HITLER - "It was an ingenious plan. Germany runs the show in Europe, and their is no Yugoslavia left to act as a counterweight."

SHREDDY - "So you killed 250,000 innocent people all because Germany was terrified of being beaten soundly by a unified Yugoslavia in Football."

HITLER - "Deutchland Ubber Alles!"

(Shreddy puts on his Oakleys. Hitler being a European is terrified by the Oakleys and disappears from Shreddy's fitness studio. Shreddy tacks the Zagreb Dinamo Jersey onto his trophy wall. Places the Rush CD 2112 in his fitness studio stereo and starts training to do the Red Star with his full body from the horizontal bar.)

Copyrighted by Mario N. Erlic. Anyone is free to use this post as a quotation provided that they publish it in it's entirety.

The Goldman Sachs Saga

Here is Professor Krugman's take.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/19/opinion/19krugman.html?hp

MY idea would be against the US Bill of Right, The Canadian Charter Rights, the UN Declaration of Rights, and every ineffective governing document that is supposed to regulate individuals who are pussies and dicks. My idea is effective against individuals who are assholes.

Goldman Sachs was designing derivative time bombs that were deliberately designed to fail for the benefit of a large client. Of misusing their position of trust to defraud smaller clients for the benefit of a larger client who was a counter party to the failing bets. All the while earning massive fees, and covering their asses by betting items that they KNEW WERE GOING TO FAIL, would fail.

Goldman Sachs has shown the world what assholes beyond redemption are.

Which colourful character through the ages of history would have the intestinal fortitude to tackle Goldman Sachs?

Laverenti Beria, Stalin's inquisitioneer?

Joseph Stalin?

Vlad Tepes, aka Vlad the Impaler, aka Dracula?

Ivan The Terrible?

Jeffery Dahlmer?

Adolph Hitler?

Or better yet why not just provide photographs of Goldman Sachs Partners & their families, residential addresses and lists of club memberships to Americans who through no faults of their own were wiped out by the actions of Goldman Sachs.

However entertaining it would be being a fly on the wall watching one of history's more illustrious characters deal with a partner from Goldman Sachs, I can't think of a better reason that now for the final stage of cleaning up the financial industry we should be giving power to the people.

The Adventures of Cetko the Herzegovian & Shreddy part c

(We start our scene where we left off last time. Shreddy is in the body replica of Slaven Bilic thanks to the evolving prosthetic makeup power granted to him by the Pink Panthers the World's Foremost Gang of Jewell Thieves from the Serbian city of Nis. He is in a carbohydrate induced coma at the Zagreb apartment of a Serbian Man Eater, two inches taller and two dress sizes thinner than the comparable Zagreb woman, who happens to be a girlfriend of Metko the Franciscan Priest, the older identical twin brother of Cetko the Herzegovian. The Serbian Man Eater has erroneously assumed that she had just shagged Father Metko, when she had actually just shagged Cetko, who had tricked her that he was Father Metko undertaking an intervention to save Slaven Bilic from himself. Cetko had just left the Serbian Man Eater's apartment to buy some supplies for his and Shreddy's trip to Far West Mostar. Cetko grabs his mobitel and dials his older brother Father Metko's mobitel number)

FATHER METKO - "So little brother did you have a good time? What does it feel like to be a man finally"

CETKO - "I already, have a girlfriend."

(Cetko using his ability to reason extremely quickly, that was enhanced by the Pink Panthers the World's Foremost Gang of Jewell Thieves from the Serbian city of Nis, concludes that there is a significant set of facts that his older identical twin brother Father Metko the Franciscan has kept hidden from him.)

CETKO - "I take it your preference is for Blonds?"

FATHER METKO - "Yes, I like them 5'11" to 6'1", dress size 2 to 4, and I prefer a B cup. I find C and larger get in the way."

CETKO - "I prefer Brunettes. I like them 5'11" to 6'1", dress size 4 to 6, and I prefer a C cup or larger."

FATHER METKO - "So I take it you were not a virgin earlier today."

CETKO - "I have been seeing a Serbian woman that you saved from a murderous mob from the town of Imotski eighteen years ago, and we have been secretly seeing each other for seventeen years."

FATHER METKO - "To think that we were once the same fertilized egg. There is lots you don't know about me little brother."

CETKO - "I just found out that you get high with Alex Lifeson."

FATHER METKO - "I am a Herzegovian Franciscan. If I get high I only get high with the best. What do you think, I would slum with the likes of Slaven Bilic."

CETKO - "Well your girlfriend thinks that Slaven Bilic is in her apartment right now."

FATHER METKO - "What is wrong with Radojka that she thinks that Slaven Bilic is in her apartment?"

CETKO - "There is absolutely nothing wrong with Radojka. Shreddy has assumed the body form of Slaven Bilic and he is in a carbohydrate induced coma. Radojka is taking care of him."

FATHER METKO - "Well Shreddy can't be left in more capable hands than those of a Serbian Man Eater. This however leads me to ask what on earth is a Herzegovian doing in a carbohydrate induced coma, why are you still alive, and how did Shreddy turn into Slaven Bilic?"

CETKO - "Shreddy hangs around with Serbs."

FATHER METKO - "Enough said. Every international call is monitored. I would suggest you send me all the information you have on Shreddy. As soon as I get the info I will have Ivanka get to the bottom of this. You are aware that she became a nun."

CETKO - "So she finally came to her senses and stopped being an embarrassment to the family."

FATHER METKO - "I would rather not get into anything on the telephone. Forward the info to me, shove Shreddy into a diplomatic pouch and get on the first flight out of Zagreb to Far West Mostar. Also to whatever faceless bureaucrat that is snivelling their way to a pension monitoring international long distance telephone calls, stop wasting your time and go harass Muslims. Explicative phrase in the Croatian language involving the faceless bureaucrat's mother and dogs"

(The scene now shifts to Far West Mostar where we see Father Metko the Franciscan for the first time. He is at his desk in Far West Mostar, in a large post-modern minimalist office that is as ostentatious as a post modern minimalist office can be. On the walls are autographed hockey Jersey's signed by the Mahovolic brothers, and a collection of rare guitars. In the corner of the office is a beautiful young woman in her late 30s who happens to be a nun. She is playing the composition Fur Elise on the grand piano and she is Cetko & Metko's niece Ivanka)

FATHER METKO - "Ivanka, I have some bad news to tell you."

IVANKA - "I hope I haven't disappointed anyone again."

FATHER METKO - "Ivanka you have never disappointed me. It is not your fault our family are social troglodytes. Stric Cetko is alive."

(Upon hearing the news that her Stric Cetko (blood relative uncle Y line) poor Ivanka faints. Metko gets back to his mobitel)

FATHER METKO - "Ivanka just fainted when she found out you were alive."

CETKO - "I am happy to hear Ivanka is so glad I am still alive. I will forward you all the information I have about Shreddy. I will get the first flight to Far West Mostar. If you are cool with it I would like another go with Radojka before I leave."

FATHER METKO - "By all means have fun, however don't let her know that you are you. Pretend that you are still me."

CETKO - "Will do."

(Cetko hangs up his mobitel. He pulls out his instruction sheet on Shreddy's prosthetic evolving makeup and photographs it with his cell phone. He forwards the photo of the instruction sheet to his brother Metko. Luckily the instructions are in Serbian Cyrillic and any faceless bureaucrat that is snivelling their way to a pension monitoring peoples private conversations when they should be harassing Muslims can't understand the instruction sheet. He goes to the hardware superstore and he buys exactly 204 Euros worth of hardware and transistors representing the residual of Shreddy's 6,000 Euros with Cetko's 15% commission already factored in. He next heads off to the sex shop to buy some blue, red and white body paints. He is so happy that he will be having another go with a Serbian Man eater that he pays for the body paint purchase with his own Euros)

(Meanwhile back in his office in Far West Mostar, Father Metko is desperately trying to revive Ivanka with smelling salts and finding much to his dismay that they don't work. He has an idea, he goes to the stereo and puts a Thompson (Croatian Ultra Nationalist band named after a machine gun that was never used to shoot Serbs) CD in. He goes to the song King Zvonomir's Curse and plays the train wreck part from the 39th second of the song to the 43rd second of the song. Upon hearing the train wreck from the 39th second to the 43rd second Ivanka wakes up)

FATHER METKO - "Ivanka don't worry, now that you are a nun Stric Cetko won't be bothering you as in his eyes you are no longer an embarrassment to the family."

IVANKA - "Stric Metko what is it about me? I try to do everything correctly to the best of my abilities yet it seems that I have never been able to have the approval of anybody in the family but you."

FATHER METKO - "You know our clan. What use is your PHD in biochemistry to them, if they perceive that you cannot make a better pot of Turkish Coffee. Brace yourself however."

IVANKA - "Well at least they have not cloned Stric Cetko."

FATHER METKO - "Remember that fellow Shreddy that you went on a date with seventeen years ago."

IVANKA - "The man who brought me home 15 minutes before the parents told him to bring me home by?"

FATHER METKO - "He is alive, and he has been turned into a carbon copy of Slaven Bilic. He is in a coma and in Stric Cetko's care"

(Upon hearing the news Ivanka faints again. We now go back to the Serbian Man Eater's Zagreb flat, where we now find Shreddy lying in a comfortable bed that Radojka made for him in the guest bedroom. Radojka is now wearing rags dressed as the Video Vamp from the late 80's hair band Ratt, perfecting her Man eater's crawl)

CETKO PRETENDING HE IS METKO - "Dear I am back with the body paints."

RADOJKA - "Man Eater Growl..... What took you so long."

(Radojka grabs Cetko thinking he is Metko the Franciscan priest and drags him into her bedroom. The door closes, and we continue hearing creaking bed, headboard slamming against the wall, and the sound of a tiger with their kill)

Time for Everybody to Leave Helena Guergis Alone

Today's favourite whipping post for the moment is Helena Guergis the former Junior Minister for the Status of Women in Canada. A mob mentality has swept the nation, and she has been chosen as the scapegoat for all of societies ills.

She was given the near impossible job of standing behind Prime Minister Stephen Harper in the House of Commons in order to make Stephen Harper look good. It was a job she was doing to the best of her abilities and she was doing it well.

We live in an age where obese is the New Normal. Many years of following the advice of nutritionists and eating whole grains make the bodies of most North Americans absolutely hideous by their late 30s. Helena Guergis at age 41 was getting on in the years, and when the primary qualifications for one's job is looking good, one does what is required to get the job done. She had swollen to a size 10/12 and she should be at most a size 6.

The women with the most attractive bodies are strippers and high end call girls. The most effective diets for staying slim are cigarettes, also known as the European Diet, or cocaine, also known as the Hollywood Diet. Helena Guergis can only be accused of trying to do her job well by fraternizing with the most photogenic of women, strippers and high end call girls. It appears she was getting expert assistance at trying to do the near impossible task of defying age and making Stephen Harper look good.

What was her alternative? To seek out Shreddy and get my advice.

The Adventures of Cetko the Herzegovian & Shreddy part b

(our scene opens where we had previously left off at the Zagreb apartment of beautiful a Serbian Man Eater. Two inches taller (5 centimeters) and two dress sizes slimmer than the comparable Croatian woman. 'She had just spent six hours devouring Cetko, all the while under the mistaken assumption that Cetko was his Franciscan Priest identical twin brother Metko. This was happening while Shreddy was comatose in Cetko's bag of tricks going through a carbohydrate induced metamorphosis into a degenerate Croatian Male through his special power granted to him by the Pink Panthers, the World's Foremost Gang of Jewel Thieves from the Serbian city of Nis)

(The Serbian Man Eater emerges from the room carrying a a Gibson hollow body electric guitar and she hands it to Cetko. She is wearing a string bikini, a pair of Jimmy Choos and nothing else. She walks over to a brass stripper pole that she has in the middle of her apartment.)

SERBIAN MAN EATER - "I am waiting."

(Cetko looks completely bewildered. It was only six hours ago that he found out his identical twin older Franciscan Priest brother is heterosexual. He had just had sex with the second woman in his entire life and it happened in a situation where the Serbian Man Eater thought that he was his twin brother the Priest)

SERBIAN MAN EATER - "Do do do do do do do do do do do do do dodo" (hummed to the tune of Working Man by the Canadian power trio Rush)

(Serbian man eater continues humming the first 30 seconds of the Rush song Working Man while swinging from her stripper pole in the middle of her living room while Cetko watches in bewilderment)

SERBIAN MAN EATER - "You and Alex Lifeson have to stop getting so high together when you meet up. You have been promising that you were going to learn how to play Working Man for me. I have been working very hard with the pole that you bought me, and I am dying to show you what I could do swinging from the pole to the guitar solo."

CETKO PRETENDING HE IS METKO - "Life has been hard on me losing my twin brother. I have been too busy with my grief counselling to spend any time with Alex."

SERBIAN MAN EATER - "It must be hard. I know what its like to lose a sibling."

(meanwhile Shreddy is slowly starting to emerge from his coma. His magical Panther Power of carbohydrate induced metamorphosis has given him prosthetic makeup. He no longer looks totally gay (well groomed, totally buff with an eight pack tummy), and his body has morphed into a degenerate male. As his body stretches straight his head pokes out of Cetko's magical bag of tricks. He now looks like the ultimate Croatian Male, he has become an exact carbon copy of Slaven Bilic the head coach of Croatia's National Football (Soccer to North Americans) team. The rest of his body rolls out and he starts waking. Cetko knows he better not let Shreddy's brain wake up or he will be able to read the Serbian Man Eater's mind.)

SERBIAN MAN EATER - "What the hell is that hack doing in the middle of my living room"

(The Serbian Man Eater straightens out as she is feeling hurt. Metko had promised her Alex Lifeson's autograph since Metko is friends with Alex Lifeson back from the good old days of the former Yugoslavia, when Croatian kids were able to say Alex Lifeson was "Nas Covjek" (one of us). Now that Croatia is independent, the best that Croatian kids can do is say that Tiho Orlic or Slaven Bilic are "Nas Covjek" (one of us). Compared to Alex Lifeson, both Tiho Orlic and Slaven Bilic are hopeless hacks on the guitar)

SERBIAN MAN EATER - "I am going to have to wash my floor with bleach. You better go to the store and buy some and take this degenerate with you."

(Cetko using his magical Panther Power of finding easy work around very quickly comes up with an idea. He puts his fingers on Shreddy's carotid artery and puts him to sleep gently again.)

CETKO PRETENDING HE IS METKO - "I am doing an intervention. Slaven Bilic is about to go into shock, if we don't get some carbohydrate in him quickly he can die, Go to your cupboard and get me all the Kras Napolitanke (Metko's favorite sweets) you have. I am trying to save Slaven from himself and hopefully make him capable of coaching a football (soccer to North Americans) team properly. You have to keep it a secret as we cannot let the betting parlors get wind of this."

(The Serbian Man Eater rushes to her cupboard and pulls out six boxes of Kras Napolitanke. He takes out a large plastic bag and empties all of the Napolitanke into it. He grabs the vase that contains flowers on the Serbian Man eater's table and removes the flowers and empties the flower water into the bag with the napolitanke. He squishes it all together into a paste and places it in his beer bong. He shoves the beer bong tube down Shreddy's esophagus and pressure feeds the unconscious Shreddy as if he was a fois gras goose. This causes Shreddy to start his 48 hour carbohydrate induced anabolic change to evolve the next generation of Pink Panther power prosthetic makeup developed by the Pink Panthers the Worlds Foremost Gang of Jewel Thieves from the Serbian city of Nis).

SERBIAN MAN EATER - "I am so sorry Metko for my outburst. It is just shocking to me. I did not expect when I woke up today that I would have wild sex with a Franciscan Priest and then have an unconscious Slaven Bilic in the middle of my living room. I am not making excuses for my actions, just reminding you of the context."

CETKO PRETENDING HE IS METKO - "I disinfected him shortly after I captured him."

(Cetko lifts the unconscious Shreddy and holds him up to the Serbian Man Eater's nose)

SERBIAN MAN EATER - "He doesn't smell of cigarettes and booze. He smells like Canada."

CETKO PRETENDING HE IS METKO - "I have to step out and do some shopping for mine and Slaven's trip to far West Mostar. Can I leave him in your care for a few hours? I know this is asking so much of you."

SERBIAN MAN EATER - "A man cannot be left in better hands than those of a Serbian Woman. I will take very good care of Slaven. While you are out, can you buy some blue, red and white body paint. We have to get the Serbian flag looking just right with your body canvas. I have a lovely opera mask for you so the Croatians don't recognize you. World Cup starts in less than 50 days."

(Cetko leaves the unconscious Shreddy on the Serbian Man Eater's couch. Shreddy's head is on her lap, and she is looking at Shreddy in a caring manner like the Kosovo Maiden would. Poor Shreddy, he is where he would most want to be, in the arms of a Serbian Man Eater but he is in a coma. There is no justice in Shreddy's world. Cetko leaves his brother Metko the Franciscan Priest, girlfriend's apartment.)

The Adventures of Cetko the Herzegovian & Shreddy

(We start our scene where we left off. Shreddy is in a carbohydrate induced coma in the trunk of the rental Peugeot 207 going through a carbohydrate induced metamorphosis. Cetko is calm as he is liquored up and he is driving to the Zagreb Fed Ex depot to send away Shreddy's DNA sample and subsequently to Zagreb Airport to meet Shreddy's contact. Cetko's dials his mobitel)

VOICE ON THE OTHER END - "Hello"

CETKO - "Hey I just realized that I am supposed to be dead, could you assist me in dealing with International boundaries?"

VOICE ON THE OTHER END - "I will text you my girlfriends address in Zagreb. Just promise that absolutely nobody must know about her. I remembered that I left a change of clothing there and that was there where I had misplaced my passport."

CETKO - "You have a girlfriend?"

VOICE ON THE OTHER END - "What did you think, that I am gay?"

CETKO - "I am just so relieved that you finally came out of the closet. It took you 72 years to tell me you were straight. Anyhow got some things to do so text me."

(Cetko ends the call and continues driving to the Zagreb Fed Ex depot. He arrives there and receives a Fed Ex letterpack which he fills out the address to his brother and deposits the DNA sample he took without Shreddy's knowledge into it. He pays for the shipment with 40 Euros taken from Shreddy's wallet. In addition he takes a further 6 Euros for himself representing his 15% commission for the transaction. He returns to the car and heads for Zagreb Airport where he has an appointment to hand off 5,000 Euros on Shreddy's behalf for a research project that Shreddy is undertaking. He arrives at the Zagreb Airport, parks in the short term parking leaving Shreddy in the trunk of the rental Peugeot, and heads to the Dollar rent-a-car counter for his scheduled rendezvous. At precisely 12:00 the two strangest looking young men walk up to him. They are wearing black suits, black ties, name tags with small unreadable letters, and they are clean cut. They appear especially odd since they look about age 20, but they do not appear hung over, partied out and they are wearing no pretentious labels of any form which makes them really stand out in Zagreb.)

STRANGE YOUNG MEN - "Jesus loves you."

CETKO - "I know he does. His mother regularly pops by a hillside near my village."

STRANGE YOUNG MEN - "We have your receipt ready for you. We really appreciate how your donation will fund our efforts to fill out Gods eternal family."

CETKO - "Well here it is, 5,000 Euros. Take the money as I have not got all day."

STRANGE YOUNG MEN - "Jesus loves you, and if you are ever looking for something to do we have sing along night every Monday at the Zagreb Ward."

CETKO - "Thank you for the offer, I will consider it. Goodbye"

(Cetko mumbles silently to himself something derogatory about the strange young men's mother. He returns to the rental car where he gets a text message that has the address of his brother's secret girlfriend in Zagreb. Cetko drives to the address, parks the Peugeot, opens the drunk and removes a comatose Shreddy from it and places him into his bag of tricks. He remembers to take a further 750 Euros from Shreddy's wallet representing his commission for handing off 5,000 Euros to the weird young men. He examines the receipt and it is for a donation of 5,000 Euros for The Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints, also known as the Mormons. Cetko heads over to the address and rings the doorbell. At the door appears one of the most beautiful women Cetko has ever seen in his life. She is in her mid 40s, but what is odd about her is that she appears to be 2 inches taller than the typical Croatian woman and 2 dress sizes thinner. He is taken aback. The beautiful woman makes a seductive sneer).

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN - "Metko, what took you so long?"

CETKO PRETENDING HE IS METKO - "You know how things are in the far western outskirts of Mostar. To much work and to little time."

(The beautiful woman grabs Cetko all the while thinking she has grabbed his identical twin brother Metko and pulls him into her flat and makes a beeline for the bedroom. The door of the room closes and voluminous amounts of noise are generated, one can hear the bed creaking and the headboard slamming against the wall, in addition the woman growls, roars and sneers like a tiger. After about 6 hours of non stop aforementioned sounds, Cetko and the woman emerge from the room clothed relaxed with happy looks on their faces. The woman looks at her wall where there are 17 push pins on it in a pattern. She makes a sign of the cross in the manner of the Serbian Orthodox Church. Cetko suddenly realizes that his twin brother Metko's girlfriend is a Serbian Man Eater.)

SERBIAN MAN EATER - "You left your clothes and your passport here last time. Thats what you get for thinking you can keep up with me doing shooters."

(Cetko realizes that this must be another woman that Metko saved during the Croatian war of Independence from a murderous mob from Imotski that were hunting down Serbian civilians to torture and execute as payback for Croatian civilians that were killed by murderous Serb mobs in the territory the Serbs controlled. Cetko's Serbian girlfriend was saved by his brother Metko and if it was not for Metko's actions saving Cetko's Serbian Man Eater girlfriend, Cetko knows that he would be a 72 year old virgin. The woman goes to her coat closet and pulls out a Franciscan robe and a Vatican Diplomatic Passport.)

CETKO - "It is good to have these back"

SERBIAN MAN EATER - "It is good to have you back."

BC Ferries Food - Gorging out of Boredom

As of late one of my favourite places to people watch is on-board a BC Ferry. It is a great people watching vantage point because the audience is captive. To escape from Shreddy playing Professor Jane they have to jump overboard and swim.

On the main run between Swartz Bay on Vancouver Island and Tawassen on the BC Mainland they use the largest vessels, the Spirit Class super ferries with a maximum capacity of 2,100 passengers and over 400 motor vehicles. These vessels take one hour and thirty-five minutes from departure to docking to do the Vancouver Island/BC Mainland run. To help the passengers deal with the boredom, these vessels have several feeding stations where people can stuff their faces to help kill a scenic short boat hop.

The Seawest Lounge

You pay a $10.00 per person cover charge to sit in a passenger lounge where the seats are more comfortable and the view is better. Included in the cover charge is a section of coffee, tea, fountain soda, cookies, brownies and carrot cake. Since the price is all inclusive, people tend to over consume the cookies, brownies and carrot cake to satisfy themselves that they are getting their monies worth. The nice thing about the lounge is that it is a quiet place. The bad part of the lounge is that they serve carrot cake which is probably the most energy dense baked good after Canada's favourite "the Butter Tart". My best estimate of the average number of calories consumed per person per visit is 600-800.

The Coastal Cafe

If you want coffee, a pre-made sandwich, a pastry/cake, pre-packaged sushi, or a customer controlled soft ice cream dispenser this is where you go. There is no seating and most customers just buy the Starbucks coffee. My best guess watching people buy things is an average of 150-200 calories purchased per visit.

Main Cafeteria With Selections from Bread Garden & White Spot's Triple-O

This is the largest feeding station on the vessel and it is one of the funnest places to really observe that people are what they eat. It is a great place to see how horribly out of shape and overweight the average individual is. There you can see how few people care about what they put into their mouths. None of the food has any nutritional information on it, and other than a small selection of extremely overpriced salads, everything is energy dense. To make it easier on the staff almost all meals are combos of a burger/chicken fingers, fries/Caesar salad, and a soft drink. The most ordered burger is the double beef with bacon, cheese and triple O sauce (my guess 1,000 - 1,200 calories, with a order of French fries that weighs over 300 grams (500 - 600 calories) a soda (200 calories) with approximately 25% of the people ordering the desert of either carrot cake or chocolate cake (500 calories). A place where the most ordered meal is a full days worth of food energy. The most ordered meal without desert is 1,700 to 2,000 calories.

The Pacific Buffet

The gorging area at the stern of the vessel. For an all inclusive price of $20.00 per person it is all you can eat selection of hot and cold entrees, beverages and deserts. Favourites are Roast Beef with Gravy, Clam Chowder, Caesar salad, and Carrot Cake. Since people want to ensure they get their money worth they overeat massively. Maybe 25% of the people in the Pacific Buffet will during the course of a ferry voyage consume less than 2,000 calories.

What puzzles me is that the Ferries are owned by the Province of British Columbia, which also happens to be the main payer through tax collections of the Provincial Health Care system. On one hand the Province wants to control health care costs by encouraging people to live healthier. While on the other hand they are providing ample opportunities for bored captive individuals to gorge themselves to a chronic health condition.

If the Province was serious about health care costs they would put the caloric information of each of the meal combos or food choices where the passenger could see it before ordering and hopefully make an informed decision. The City of New York required fast food chains to post the caloric count of their offerings predominately on the menu. Since New York passed its calorie disclosure law, the average calories per customer order has dropped by 7%.

Why doesn't BC Ferries disclose this information?

Why on earth does a sane human being need to consume 2,000 calories to kill an hour and a half?

Why don't people care about what they put into their mouths?

What on earth does anybody need a double beef cheese and bacon burger for?

Corruption in Canada - The Adventures of Cetko the Herzegovian & Shreddy

(we start the Scene where we left off. Shreddy is in a coma in the trunk of the rental Peugeot loaded with carbohydrates going through an anabolic metamorphosis process. Cetko is driving the rental Peugeot and he is calm as he has consumed enough Serbian Zuta Osa sljivovica to make him forget that the green rental Peugeot is not a Mercedes. While driving Cetko hears Shreddy's mobitel go off).

CETKO - "Hello"

VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "Shreddy is that you? I didn't expect to reach you"

(Cetko realizing that he could acquire some information on his partner in mischief, quickly fumbles around the car and places an Oasis CD in the cars stereo. He makes his voice slightly more nasal with the feminine sounding lift on the end of each word)

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "Bro, I am just taking a breather."


VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "How is the weather in Belgrade? Did you manage to find your tall leggy Serbian Man Eater?"

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "I am working on it. It is just mind blowing how many beautiful women there are in this city I don't know where to start."

VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "Your voice is a bit off, are you coming down with something."

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "Oh, it is the cigarettes. I have to smoke at least one cigarette wherever I go or people might think I am gay."

VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "Canada needs you to ask Cika for a favour?"

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "Dude you know how busy he is."

VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "Well we have a major problem in Canada again. The Indo-Canadians are up to no good politically."

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "Paul Martin is gone from politics. What on earth can they be up to now?"

VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "It appears that they are now attempting to hijack the Conservative Party of Canada."

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "Are they up to their usual game of paying agricultural workers who can't speak a word of English, to sit for six hours through a Conservative Party of Canada nomination meeting?

VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "They are getting ready for it. Our Intel. is showing that certain Indo-Canadian Criminal Organizations are cashing up, and picking up truckloads of Conservative Party of membership forms."

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "Friggin Cigans (Gypsies)"

VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "You forgot your hyphen. Cigan-Canadians is the correct form."

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "I can't stand political correctness. That is why I like it so much here in Serbia. Here the Cigan-Serbians play music and provide a wonderful cultural backdrop."

VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "If only that was the case in Canada. We need Cika's help."

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "You know he is a moody fellow."

VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "Tell him that The Rt. Hon. Jean Cretiean is to this day still having nightmares from the horse's head that Cika put in his bed."

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "He will be happy to hear that."

VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "When will you introduce me to him?"

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "In due time. As you know he is busy."

VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "Well thank him for giving me the heads up on the horse's head in Cretien's bed. Please let him know that I am true to my word that if I ever wind up Prime Minister of Canada I will legalize marijuana."

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "He will be happy to hear that."

VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "How about if I tell Cika what happened at U of T, could I can meet him in person?"

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "He already knows what you did at U of T."

VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "He is too much, anyhow please send him my regards."

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "It is against the law to talk on a hand held Mobitel in Serbia while driving, so I will have to sign off."

VOICE FROM SHREDDY'S MOBITEL - "Take care. Good luck on finding the Serbian Man Eater of your dreams."

CETKO ACTING AS SHREDDY - "You too. Please give my regards to the Mrs."

(Cetko ends the call. He pulls over to the side of the road to check out the memory card on Shreddy's mobitel. He finds that the call originated from a New York area code, but the number is unknown. He goes to Shreddy's contact list and starts scrolling through it, he finds everybody and everything under the sun in it, however he can't find any contacts under Cika or any name that remotely resembles Cika. He figures that it must be one of the members of the Brkanjci clan as they all identify each other to themselves via nicknames. While fiddling with Shreddy's cell phone a text message comes in "Do you have the 5,000 Euros for the research project?")

(Cetko texts back "I have the money".)

(Incoming text responds back "We will send someone to meet you tomorrow at noon your time in front of the Dollar rent-a-car counter at Zagreb Airport")

(Cetko texts back "10 - 4". He fumbles around and grabs his mobitel and phones the number that called him in the last episode.)

CETKO - "Things are starting to get weird. I just got a phone call asking if some guy named "Cika" can help clean up politics in Canada. Have you heard of "Cika"?"

VOICE ON THE OTHER END - "That crazy Serb. Nobody has ever seen him, or at least seen a person that they could identify as Cika. I would give my left testicle to meet Cika."

CETKO - "You don't need your left testicle. This Shreddy guy is weirder than I thought. He is looking for a Serbian Man Eater."

VOICE ON THE OTHER END - "Poor fellow if he could lay off the weed he could get a nice Croatian woman, however."

CETKO - "So you know about Shreddy?"

VOICE ON THE OTHER END - "Of course, he is related to one of my buddies in Chicago. Very tragic case, his mother has Parkinson's Disease. The poor fellow has come to the conclusion that if he consumes copious amounts of marijuana, he can prevent his nervous system from eventually degenerating like his mothers. Because he uses marijuana without permission from the government, no Croatian woman wants him. He should become a priest and get posted to California. I am certain that he could find a nice Croatian woman that way."

CETKO - "Those wild priests from Split. They have fathered more children than Arkan."

VOICE ON THE OTHER END - "Why can't those Split priests behave themselves?"

CETKO - "They are from Split."

VOICE ON THE OTHER END - "Could you forward everything in Shreddy's mobitel to me? I will have my little gang of hackers from Siroki Brijeg find out if we can track down "Cika". Why don't you introduce Shreddy to our sister?"

CETKO - "Sad to say she is too old for Shreddy. His mother would like a biological grandchild, and his adopted daughter would like a little brother."

VOICE ON THE OTHER END - "Work on convincing him to join the priesthood. I have some dirt on the Bishop of Split that is sure to get Shreddy a posting to California. All he has to do is go to a physician there and tell him or her that marijuana alleviates the pain when he is wearing stiletto heels. If he has a government issued card giving him permission to use marijuana, some nice Croatian woman will find him attractive, he can grope her, make a Croatian baby, and leave the Priesthood. We cannot let him breed with a Serb."

CETKO - "Why couldn't he just be a useless, gambling, degenerate drunkard? I am certain he could find a wonderful caring supportive Croatian woman that way."

VOICE ON THE OTHER END - "I will say 50 Hail Mary's tonight that he can become a useless, gambling, drunkard, degenerate Croatian male."

(Cetko forwards all of the contents in Shreddy's mobitel to the voice on the other end who happens to be Cetko's brother. He starts the car again to drive to the Zagreb Fed Ex depot to drop off Shreddy's DNA sample)

Can I Call This Income?

My life is a daily game.

People make money. The Crown makes rules defining something called income. The Crown makes rules defining how income is arrived at called the Income Tax Act, and defining within the act how the Crown's share is calculated as a percentage of income. I used to interpret the rules with the sole goal of arriving at the lowest definition of income as allowed by the law. Then something funny happened during 2009.

Everybody all of a sudden decided they wanted to buy real estate. Almost everybody realized that they needed to borrow money if they wanted to buy real estate. To borrow money at non usurious rates requires verifiable Income. To very income requires a document prepared by Her Majesty called a Notice of Assessment, where the Crown on the basis of prima facie verifies it's portion of your income.

The Income Tax Act was supposed to be a temporary measure to pay for World War 1. Initially the tax rate was 1% of your income. Back when it was impolite (and it still is) to talk about money, people would get around the money taboos by declaring how much Income Tax they paid. If you were a scoundrel looking to marry above ones station, you would over declare your Income so that you could pay more Income Tax. This would gain you the opportunity to show the father of the woman you wanted to marry a receipt from the Crown showing how much Income Tax you paid. Your perspective father-in-law that you were trying to sucker would take your Income Tax paid, divide it by 0.01 to extrapolate what your means to support his daughter were. If you satisfied his inquisitive mind with how much tax you paid, he would give his daughter permission to marry.

Today things are different. The Crown decided to create a real estate bubble in Canada. The Crown in its wisdom thought it best to feed peoples real estate obsession with the home renovation tax credit and the home buyers tax credit. The Crown in its wisdom decided to guarantee over 100 Billion dollars in flimsy mortgages through the Canada Mortgage & Housing Corporation thereby driving borrowing costs for train wrecks down. The price of the average home appreciates at a rate greater than,(tax paid on over reported income, times borrowing costs, times the mania multiplier). Young suitors come looking for receipts from the Crown showing large Income Tax amounts paid.

God help us all.........

There is a Reason Why It's Called a No-Brainer

One of the most used lexicons in the Queen's English is "the no brain decision". It simply states that when presented with two alternatives there is a decision that shows you have brains and a decision that shows you are a no-brain individual.

The easiest no-brainer is paying down the principal of ones mortgage. Here is the math to compute the minimum pre-tax guaranteed rate of return in perpetuity of paying down ones mortgage principal.

Mortgage Rate divided by (one minus an individuals marginal tax rate).

Assuming you have a five year fixed term mortgage at 4.5% and you have a 40% marginal tax rate.

4.5% / (1 - 40%) = 7.5% Minimum before tax guaranteed rate of return forever.

Now say you have a floating mortgage tied to prime of 2.25% currently and you are in a 40% marginal tax rate.

2.25% / (1 - 40%) = 3.75% Minimum before tax guaranteed rate of return forever.

A five year US Treasury bond yields 2.68% before tax.

That is why paying down a mortgage is a no brainer decision.

Now assuming mortgage rates go up to 6%

6% / (1 - 40%) = 10% Minimum before tax guaranteed rate of return forever.

My advice to anyone reading my column. PAY DOWN YOUR MORTGAGE AND DO NOT LISTEN TO A SALESMAN THAT TELLS YOU OTHERWISE.

Oh by the way, I had a bong hit before I wrote my post. So are you prepared to follow the advice of someone who is HIGH ON POT?

Post # 200 - Painting my Toe Nails

I don't know whether it is a side effect caused by eating marijuana, or just being happy that I could see them but one year ago I started painting my toenails.

It started innocently at first. I was doing leg raises. The duration that I could keep my feet off the ground increased. I was spending progressively more and more time staring at my toes. The light bulb goes off and I start painting my toenails to make my feet more entertaining to stare at.

Is painting toenails gay? I certainly don't think so. In my opinion it is far less gay being able to paint toenails that you can see than not being able to see your toes because you are too fat and criticising those that paint their toes. If your tastes run towards women in their twenties, painting your toes should dramatically improve your love life. You see a young woman in a bar and her blouse is the same colour as your toe nails. If you are completely shameless, you have a perfect lead in line, "Oh what a lovely blouse, it is the same colour as my toenails" . No need to waste your time with Cheetahs (28 to 32 year olds), or the Cougars (33 and up) as the bite is on and you are fishing for Nubiles (27 & under).

Is painting your toenails likely to get you into a fight? I certainly hope so. A real fighter won't pick a fight with someone who paints his toenails as they are certain that the painted toenails are a trick to take ones mind off the opponents arms and head. Now some out of shape closet homosexual who is going through his final stages of coming to terms he is gay might just take enough offense at my toes to try something. That combined with knowing a perfect S&M sugar bear for the young misguided goofball, and who knows maybe I could wind up being the Maid of Honour or a Best Man at a gay wedding.

Is painting your toenails expensive? No it is cheap. Depending on the brand of nail polish you go for it is anywhere from $3.99 per bottle to $12.99 per bottle. If you want to get your toenails professionally done (my plan to reward myself when I can do a set of 17 non-stop pull ups), my best guess is that one should be prepared to drop a C-Note.

Most off all painting ones toenails is fun. I can see my toes. I am proud that I can see my toes. Get used to it.

Corruption in Croatia. The Adventures of Cetko the Herzegovian & Shreddy (Part 7 One Man's Terrorist, Another Man's Freedom Fighter)

(we start our scene where we left off. Shreddy & Cetko the Hercegovian had just ethnically cleansed a private member's only club in Croatia that did not allow people who spoke the New Hungarian (ethnic Croatians), and only allowed Croatian Speakers (Bosanci, Herzegovians & Serbians) as their members. Unbeknown to Cetko, Shreddy had tricked him into wearing his magic Enchanted Oakleys that caused all the Croatian Speakers in the Croatian-Free club to have the mothers of all diarrhea all over themselves plus they peed their pants)

(Shreddy had just handed Cetko 14,000 Euros representing Cetko's share of the funds that were handed over to the pair by Hezegovians, Bosanci & Serbs who were fearful for their lives after they defecated all over themselves).

SHREDDY - "One down, one to go another town and one more show. This town they're giving it away and she never never came back. No phone can take your place, you know what I mean. We have the same intrigue as a court of Kings, you'll see"

(Shreddy does a turn and a sequence of standing back flips while Cetko watches, and continues singing)

SHREDDY - "Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah Leave it"

CETKO - "Have you lost your mind Shreddy? Has any of the monkey seamen landed in your ear? If so we can pour some Sljivovica into your ear canal to neutralize it. Besides why are you so happy?

SHREDDY - "Because my Panther Power intuition was bang on. I know that there was something wrong with that private club that you took us to, and I was right. They had a massive breakout of food-borne illness and all of the exclusionary, elitist foreigners got sick. If we stayed there we would have got sick. With your immune system Cetko, it could have been the death of you"

CETKO - "I wonder was the Herzegovian in charge taking kickbacks from the food suppliers for accepting substandard fare?"

SHREDDY - "That he was, and that was the source of our 20,000 Euros. The thief from West Herzegovina canton made a donation to our cause of all of his ill gotten gains, and he has probably run past Banja Luka as we speak"

CETKO - "Have you given any more thought as to how we can clean up corruption in Croatia one asshole at a time? I am pretty hung over and the monkey seamen exposure has given me a splitting headache"

SHREDDY - " I have given it lots of thought. Corruption in Croatia is based on three pillars as I see it. There is the Dobri Hrvati (Herzegovian & Bosanci nationalists), the Catholic Church and the Diaspora. The Dobri Hrvati serve the role of the perpetual criminal class, the Catholic Church is their willing accomplice, and the Diaspora are the financial lifeblood of the Criminal Organization that disguises itself as a political party. We hit all three groups hard, scatter them about the world and if they are fearful of approaching one another we will have an honest and transparent country in Croatia."

CETKO - "How on earth could the Catholic Church have anything to do with corruption in Croatia? As I see it it is one of the few institutions keeping it honest."

SHREDDY - "It is a source of corruption because; it interferes with the affairs of the state; it allows senior members to stand alongside criminals thereby granting the criminal legitimacy in the eyes of the older voters who do not understand the New Hungarian language; it supports Croatia's draconian marijuana laws and lax penalties for child molesters. Besides they are holding back the progress of equality for gays and lesbians in Croatia."

CETKO - "Stop that glupost Shreddy. The Catholic Church is the one institution that is most responsible for Croatia achieving its independence"

(Shreddy takes of his shoes and removes his white socks. he reaches into his bag of tricks and pulls out several bottles of toenail polish, and he selects the colours for the pride/peace flag).

CETKO - "What on earth are you doing? Why are your toenails painted purple?"

SHREDDY - "I am putting on warpaint, you had just given me a reason as to why we should take inspiration from Voltaire and kill every priest in Croatia, and I am covering up the purple toenail polish as it doesn't suit my mood any more."


CETKO - "Shreddy you are behaving like my sister did when it used to be that time of the month. I am shocked that the whole time I have been a partner in mischief with a man that paints his toenails. Have you ever thought of seeing a priest?"

SHREDDY - "I am not gay, why would you suggest that I start dating a priest?"

(Cetko reaches out and grabs Shreddy by the neck. He gently places finger pressure on Shreddy's carotid arteries and Shreddy quickly passes out. Cetko is puzzled as to the source of Shreddy's bizarre behavior. Cetko looks at the instructions sheet for Shreddy's enhanced anabolic abilities on highly refined carbohydrates and figures the perfect Degenerate Slavic Male look for Shreddy. He takes 2 kilograms of his sisters apple pita and puts it in a thick plastic bag with 2 litres of water. He squishes it all together in the bag until it all has a liquid consistency. He reaches into his bag of tricks and he picks out his souvenir from when he went to visit his brother in West Mostar, a "Beer Bong" made by the engineering students at the University of Toronto. He pours the liquefied apple pita down Shreddy's throat with the "Beer Bong" He picks up the unconscious Shreddy and places him in the trunk of the green rental Peugeot 207. He plucks a couple of long eyebrows from Shreddy's forehead and places them in a bio-sample bag. He shuts the trunk lid on Shreddy. Cetko climbs into the drivers seat of the Peugeot, and dials a number on his mobitel)

VOICE ON OTHER END - "Hello."

CETKO - "Hey it's me."

VOICE ON OTHER END - "How can it be you, you are dead?"

CETKO - "It is a long story. I need you to keep that I am alive a secret. I need a big favour from you."

VOICE ON OTHER END - "No problem. How can I help you?"

CETKO - "I have some eyebrows that I will need a full DNA sequence on. I have this new partner on a project that I am involved with. I was assured that both his bloodlines came from Herzegovina, but there is something odd about him. He should be hardwired as an assassin, however he seems have a preference towards behaving like a terrorist. I want to know if there is any genetic abnormalities in this fellow as he is the weirdest behaving person with allegedly ciste krvi (clean blood) that I have met in my life."

VOICE ON OTHER END - "What are the symptoms?"

CETKO - "Total glupost u glavi (free thinking idealist). He is just so un...."

VOICE ON OTHER END - "Send me his eyebrows. I will get them sequenced at the genome lab. They should be able to verify that he has ciste krvi (clean blood) on both his Y and X lines. What is so unusual about him?"

CETKO - "He just acts so gay. He doesn't smoke, he barely drinks, he doesn't gamble, he is North American but he has the body of a European, he paints his toenails, he wears black socks"

VOICE ON OTHER END - "I would suggest you watch your backside around that fellow and don't go to any gyms, swimming pools or public bathrooms with him until I get his DNA samples analyzed."

CETKO - "He is out cold for the next 48 hours"

VOICE ON OTHER END - "FedEx the samples to me. If you get the samples to Zagreb by 3 PM, I can have a 96 hour turn around for the Y & X DNA analysis."

CETKO - "Will do. Text me when you have the results"

(Cetko puts away his mobitel. He pulls out a bottle of Serbian Zuta Osa Sljivovica and pounds it back. He throws away the empty bottle and turns the ignition key of the rental Peugeot and starts driving towards the Zagreb FedEx depot).