Four hundred years ago this question would have been easier to answer. There could never be too much. The Aristocracy's men wore pink, wigs, makeup, high heels, what we today would almost consider drag. Then came the Puritanical movements, and men could no longer go all out.
Over the last 50 years a tremendous amount of power has transfered between genders, and with many women rising to positions of power, there are starting to be ever increasing benefits to manscaping (cleaning oneself up). A hot looking guy has similar powers over a straight woman as a hot looking woman would have over a straight guy.
At a minimum every man should shower, shave face, trim nose hairs, remove ear hairs, and control the unibrow. Going further is a matter of preference. The more you manscape, the more time it will take to maintain the manscape.
1> The Gut
90% of men have muffin tops. They range from racing bicycle tires (the one inch waist band), to expansive monstrosities (look 8 months pregnant with quadruplets). Studies have shown that women from the United Kingdom like a small amount of belly protuberance but other than that, women have a near universal preference for narrow waists on men. The basis of all the bodies strength is derived from the core. 95% of men should improve their cores as their health would benefit from it. Other than the genetic 5% that cannot pack on waist fat, every man should have some simple core body ritual to take care of himself. It could be a physical job, push ups, sex, or anything for that matter.
2> Back Hair
According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, women find the "Full Gorilla" hairy backs the least attractive on men. It looks gross when it is sweaty. It gets in the way of properly wearing certain types of clothes. It obscures from view nice muscles or tattoos. There are many ways to get rid of back hair; shaving; waxing; lazer treatment; chemicals' electrolysis, etc. I myself an starting electrolysis tomorrow. If you are planning on wearing see through shirts or showing any skin beyond the arms, get rid of the back hair.
3> Chest Hair, to Shave or Not to Shave?
According to the studies I have read, Spanish, Asian & UK women prefer a small amount of chest hair, others prefer hairless. This is a baited question when they give women photos of men who are swimsuit models. For 80% of men shaving the chest is unnecessary, they are too embarrassed to take of their shirts. For 80% of men, working on the belly should be the main priority, and when they reach the state of being no longer embarrassed to take off the shirt, they should then look at chest hair.
My rule of thumb, if you feel sexier obscuring your chest or showing off your chest patch, don't shave your chest. Do however try to manage the length of the hair above the breastbone. If however you have muscle definition and striation you want to show off, shave the chest. What is the point of having a torso like an underwear model if you hide it under a forest of hair.
4> Tanning (fake bake)
People look sexier with a tan, however sun exposure ages skin. Its every bodies own call. If you have decent muscle development, pale skin does a poor job of showing what hard work or Mother Nature gave you.
5> Hair Loss - Whether to Embrace Male Pattern Baldness?
The ultimate male curse. It is a gene that we get from our mother's that in almost all cases we cannot pass on to an offspring. It is not our fault, beyond our control, and it is one of the ways women assess men for desirability. A woman carrying the gene for it passes her nose over the bald guys, and goes for a man where there is no history of male pattern baldness on the mothers side. She marries the guy, and subsequently curses half the sons she bares, and half of the daughters become bald gene carriers.
In my opinion from worst to best looking:
1> Bozo the Clown Hair
2> Long monk halos
3> Barely started poor hair transplant jobs
4> Toupees (flapper beads are OK)
5> Good hair transplant jobs
6> Short Buzz cuts
7> Shaved head
8> Shaved head and accessioned with either/and/or earring, cool shades, shaped eyebrows etc.
It will get juicier as it continues.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Taking Things for Granted - Fitler?
When you live in your own body, you barely notice changes in your body occurring at all. You look in the mirror each morning and you see substantially the same person that went to bed the evening before. If you are actively training and measuring your progress your best clue that things are changing is that your maximum human performance figures keep increasing. I have learned that there is a big difference between "working out" & "training". For working out you are either trying to mitigate damage in the form of, I eat too much so I have to go to the gym and burn off the food calories, or you are doing working out to kill time or establish a routine/ritual. When you train, you have crossed the line from health maintenance/time filling to serious athletics. When you train you are either training to triumph over others or you are training to beat ones fiercest adversary, oneself.
If you are training, you are seeking clear measurable results whereas if you are working out, I still have not been fully able to understand what working out means.
I started training in late September of 2008 when I returned from my first Balkan adventure. I had broken under the 200 pound barrier, and my physician had given me the green light to take up running to burn the fat. I decided not to run as running is just no fun unless you have a running partner that is educated and can discuss concepts that are the exclusive realm of smart educated people. I realized that since at one time the ancestors of humans lived in trees and at that time our arms would have been our primary limbs, I realized I could evolve my arms into fat burners. Using 2.25 KG dumbbells and 4.5 KG dumbbells, I performed over 1,000,000 pounds of cumulative arm repetitions and took my weight to 173 - 176 pounds one year ago. I proved to my physician that you can evolve arms into the near equivalent of runners fat burner legs.
One year ago today I could NOT do:
1> A chin up from a full extension. 75% of the men who claim that they can do chin ups (plural), cannot do a single proper chin up from the FULL EXTENSION. To get into the US Marine Corps requires being able to do 3 chin ups from a full extension as a minimum. To get accepted by Her Majesty's Airborne requires being able to 7 chin ups from the full extension. Today I take for granted being able to do multiple sets of 7 chin ups from a full extension. For men 44 to 46, multiple sets of 7 puts me in the strongest 1% of North American men.
2> A gymnast pike, where the feet are held out on the ballet point so that the legs are straight 90 degrees from the body. I was able to perform my first proper pike in September of 2009. Today from the horizontal bar I talk for granted being able to perform full body Union Jacks which require bringing both feet together and with straight legs touching three spaces that are well above your head one to the extreme right and one to the extreme left of the shoulders. For 44 to 46 year old men, being able to do a full body Union Jack would put me in the strongest 1% of North American men.
My 1st Pike
3> One year ago today I could do my first set of 100 full sit ups (none of those gay crunches). I could do a set of 5 hyper extension leg raises. Today, I have done a maximum set of full oblique twist sit ups in excess of 150 in a set. For hyper extension leg raises, my maximum sets are 70 leg raises with additional weight on my ankles. For 44 to 46 year old North American men that would put me in the top 1% again.
One year ago today I was lifting weights. Now I use my weights as ballast to hold my plain cedar benches more firmly to the ground. I use plain benches, chairs, playground equipment, steel I beams and a grip bar. I went from using specialized equipment and isolating parts of my body to interacting with everyday items we come across in our day to day lives, albeit in a different manner than most people are accustomed to.
Six years ago after having spent the previous 39 years of my life as the fat person my physician was seriously considering placing me on a life support system. Six years later, I am a freak of nature. They have a saying that there is no worse bitch than a reformed whore. There is no more militant anti-smoker than a former smoker with the only exception being Adolph Hitler. What about former fat people who have changed their life and become extremely fit people and remained that way. By taking things for granted that 99% of my peers could not even do, have I become Fitler?
It will be interesting to see how my new one-percenter body is going to effect my dance with destiny. Will I inspire or will I terrorize people into making for 90% of North Americans a necessary change? Fitler.
If you are training, you are seeking clear measurable results whereas if you are working out, I still have not been fully able to understand what working out means.
I started training in late September of 2008 when I returned from my first Balkan adventure. I had broken under the 200 pound barrier, and my physician had given me the green light to take up running to burn the fat. I decided not to run as running is just no fun unless you have a running partner that is educated and can discuss concepts that are the exclusive realm of smart educated people. I realized that since at one time the ancestors of humans lived in trees and at that time our arms would have been our primary limbs, I realized I could evolve my arms into fat burners. Using 2.25 KG dumbbells and 4.5 KG dumbbells, I performed over 1,000,000 pounds of cumulative arm repetitions and took my weight to 173 - 176 pounds one year ago. I proved to my physician that you can evolve arms into the near equivalent of runners fat burner legs.
One year ago today I could NOT do:
1> A chin up from a full extension. 75% of the men who claim that they can do chin ups (plural), cannot do a single proper chin up from the FULL EXTENSION. To get into the US Marine Corps requires being able to do 3 chin ups from a full extension as a minimum. To get accepted by Her Majesty's Airborne requires being able to 7 chin ups from the full extension. Today I take for granted being able to do multiple sets of 7 chin ups from a full extension. For men 44 to 46, multiple sets of 7 puts me in the strongest 1% of North American men.
2> A gymnast pike, where the feet are held out on the ballet point so that the legs are straight 90 degrees from the body. I was able to perform my first proper pike in September of 2009. Today from the horizontal bar I talk for granted being able to perform full body Union Jacks which require bringing both feet together and with straight legs touching three spaces that are well above your head one to the extreme right and one to the extreme left of the shoulders. For 44 to 46 year old men, being able to do a full body Union Jack would put me in the strongest 1% of North American men.
My 1st Pike
3> One year ago today I could do my first set of 100 full sit ups (none of those gay crunches). I could do a set of 5 hyper extension leg raises. Today, I have done a maximum set of full oblique twist sit ups in excess of 150 in a set. For hyper extension leg raises, my maximum sets are 70 leg raises with additional weight on my ankles. For 44 to 46 year old North American men that would put me in the top 1% again.
One year ago today I was lifting weights. Now I use my weights as ballast to hold my plain cedar benches more firmly to the ground. I use plain benches, chairs, playground equipment, steel I beams and a grip bar. I went from using specialized equipment and isolating parts of my body to interacting with everyday items we come across in our day to day lives, albeit in a different manner than most people are accustomed to.
Six years ago after having spent the previous 39 years of my life as the fat person my physician was seriously considering placing me on a life support system. Six years later, I am a freak of nature. They have a saying that there is no worse bitch than a reformed whore. There is no more militant anti-smoker than a former smoker with the only exception being Adolph Hitler. What about former fat people who have changed their life and become extremely fit people and remained that way. By taking things for granted that 99% of my peers could not even do, have I become Fitler?
It will be interesting to see how my new one-percenter body is going to effect my dance with destiny. Will I inspire or will I terrorize people into making for 90% of North Americans a necessary change? Fitler.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Nineteen Years Ago Today - Red Stars Belgrade
" if Prosinečki ever became a real football player, I would eat my football diploma" Miroslav Blazevic Former Coach of Zagreb Dinamo 1987
Crvena Zvezda Beograd (Red Stars Belgrade) Football Club won the Intercontinental Premier League Championships and were Champions of the World. Yugoslavia achieved it's crowning moment of greatness. Red Stars Belgrade was a true Yugoslavian team built around the Croatian midfielder Robert Prosinecki, with Montenegrins & Macedonians for speed, and Serbian players for grit. On May 29, 1991 they showed the world that Yugoslavia was the greatest power, in the worlds premier sport.
Nineteen years ago today Arkan was sitting in a jail cell in Croatia waiting for his business partners Franjo Tudman & Gojko Susak to spring him out of prison.
Nineteen years ago Yugoslavia was on top of the world. They were champions. Thanks to Red Stars Belgrade every Yugoslavian had the right to brag "Ours Are The Best" (nasi su naj bolji).
Less than four weeks later Yugoslavia was destroyed by looters and profiteers.
To quote the Cinderella (heavy metal band) song "You Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone".
1990/91 Red Stars Belgrade was the Worlds Greatest Football Team. They were Yugoslavia's team built around the World's Greatest Football Player at the time Robert Prosinecki (a Croatian).
Nineteen years ago today the Croatian People were putting their future into the hands of people "Stupid Enough to Trade Robert Prosinecki".
Crvena Zvezda Beograd (Red Stars Belgrade) Football Club won the Intercontinental Premier League Championships and were Champions of the World. Yugoslavia achieved it's crowning moment of greatness. Red Stars Belgrade was a true Yugoslavian team built around the Croatian midfielder Robert Prosinecki, with Montenegrins & Macedonians for speed, and Serbian players for grit. On May 29, 1991 they showed the world that Yugoslavia was the greatest power, in the worlds premier sport.
Nineteen years ago today Arkan was sitting in a jail cell in Croatia waiting for his business partners Franjo Tudman & Gojko Susak to spring him out of prison.
Nineteen years ago Yugoslavia was on top of the world. They were champions. Thanks to Red Stars Belgrade every Yugoslavian had the right to brag "Ours Are The Best" (nasi su naj bolji).
Less than four weeks later Yugoslavia was destroyed by looters and profiteers.
To quote the Cinderella (heavy metal band) song "You Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone".
1990/91 Red Stars Belgrade was the Worlds Greatest Football Team. They were Yugoslavia's team built around the World's Greatest Football Player at the time Robert Prosinecki (a Croatian).
Nineteen years ago today the Croatian People were putting their future into the hands of people "Stupid Enough to Trade Robert Prosinecki".
Friday, May 28, 2010
Happy Birthday Noel Gallagher
Wishing a happy birthday to one of the worlds greatest songwriters Noel Gallagher from Oasis. A fabulous role model for Generation X, when most men his age have adopted the apple shape Noel Gallagher is fit and trim. Whatever you are doing, it looks good on you.
Happy Birthday Noel Gallagher, Far Western Yaletown salutes you.
Happy Birthday Noel Gallagher, Far Western Yaletown salutes you.
One Cheetah vs. Two Lesbians - What Would Master Yoda Think?
Usually when I think I have had a stroke of genius, I consult my nearest and dearest friends, my peers, the Council of Silverbacks. They examine the faults and merits of my idea and make me aware of any basis of logic I may have overlooked.
My conclusion that a heterosexual woman would only represent an obstacle to me becoming a father again and the only logical route for a man in my situation would be finding a married lesbian couple and becoming a father again with them, needed some second thought.
Before I consulted the Council of Silverbacks I discussed fatherhood with my friends who had already fathered children in their 20s, who in their mid to late 40's decided to grab a Cheetah (a woman aged 28 to 32) and make another child(ren). All of them told me they were extremely happy with their decisions. What they learned at their first go at fatherhood made them experienced fathers and they are all certain cycle two of children were raised happier than cycle one of children. They were all unanimous that I am not too old to become a father again. When I told them that I want to become a dad again with a married lesbian couple rather than a heterosexual woman, I expected to be told that I was nuts. What they told me shocked me. Giving the idea a clear headed analysis, they were unanimous that the child would benefit from having two mom's, that I would benefit with the child having two moms, that the two moms would benefit having me. A Win-Win-Win-Win situation for all four parties. Had legally married lesbians been available when cycle two of the male biological clock went off, they would have considered it seriously.
When I dropped my idea on my peers, again I was expecting to hear about issues that I may have missed in my analysis. As before, my friends told me I had a brilliant idea. On a sound fundamental basis it makes sense. The scenario has no disadvantages for me and no disadvantages for the child. The only people who would suffer in this scenario of me having a child with two married lesbians instead of a heterosexual woman would be the parasitic fags that work in the Bridezilla Industry. They told me I had another one of my brilliant masterstrokes where I have found a solution to the impossible. How to get a child without having a feminine monster destroy one's life.
In a few days, Master Yoda is back. The Supreme Silverback that first issued the call to go forth and hit our physical peaks and adventure. Our leader who by example showed us that we could shatter any physical records we held in our teens and twenties, in our forties (Master Yoda can bench press 375 pounds 8 reps) and possibly later. My sixth sense tells me that ones inherent male biological clock had something to do with Master Yoda issuing the call five years ago. Will Master Yoda think I am nuts, or will I be competing against Master Yoda for the rational minds of a married lesbian couple? Will Master Yoda fall to a Bridezilla monster leading to Shreddy becoming the Supreme Silverback?
So far I have not been able to, using a child centred view, come up with a single logical reason that a child would benefit more from having one heterosexual mother versus two lesbian mothers.
One mom, two mom, brown mom, blue mom.
.
My conclusion that a heterosexual woman would only represent an obstacle to me becoming a father again and the only logical route for a man in my situation would be finding a married lesbian couple and becoming a father again with them, needed some second thought.
Before I consulted the Council of Silverbacks I discussed fatherhood with my friends who had already fathered children in their 20s, who in their mid to late 40's decided to grab a Cheetah (a woman aged 28 to 32) and make another child(ren). All of them told me they were extremely happy with their decisions. What they learned at their first go at fatherhood made them experienced fathers and they are all certain cycle two of children were raised happier than cycle one of children. They were all unanimous that I am not too old to become a father again. When I told them that I want to become a dad again with a married lesbian couple rather than a heterosexual woman, I expected to be told that I was nuts. What they told me shocked me. Giving the idea a clear headed analysis, they were unanimous that the child would benefit from having two mom's, that I would benefit with the child having two moms, that the two moms would benefit having me. A Win-Win-Win-Win situation for all four parties. Had legally married lesbians been available when cycle two of the male biological clock went off, they would have considered it seriously.
When I dropped my idea on my peers, again I was expecting to hear about issues that I may have missed in my analysis. As before, my friends told me I had a brilliant idea. On a sound fundamental basis it makes sense. The scenario has no disadvantages for me and no disadvantages for the child. The only people who would suffer in this scenario of me having a child with two married lesbians instead of a heterosexual woman would be the parasitic fags that work in the Bridezilla Industry. They told me I had another one of my brilliant masterstrokes where I have found a solution to the impossible. How to get a child without having a feminine monster destroy one's life.
In a few days, Master Yoda is back. The Supreme Silverback that first issued the call to go forth and hit our physical peaks and adventure. Our leader who by example showed us that we could shatter any physical records we held in our teens and twenties, in our forties (Master Yoda can bench press 375 pounds 8 reps) and possibly later. My sixth sense tells me that ones inherent male biological clock had something to do with Master Yoda issuing the call five years ago. Will Master Yoda think I am nuts, or will I be competing against Master Yoda for the rational minds of a married lesbian couple? Will Master Yoda fall to a Bridezilla monster leading to Shreddy becoming the Supreme Silverback?
So far I have not been able to, using a child centred view, come up with a single logical reason that a child would benefit more from having one heterosexual mother versus two lesbian mothers.
One mom, two mom, brown mom, blue mom.
.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Killing the Apple - How to Conquer Ones Own Body Core
All strength is ultimately derived from the body core. Three years ago I was crippled up by a pinched psiatic nerve, inhaling Red Bull/Hydromorphone speed balls to bear the pain. I was contemplating either spending the rest of my life as a junkie consuming copious amounts of opioids, or killing myself to stop the pain. Luckily for me, I had a good physiotherapist who specialized in fixing big dumb jocks with sports injuries, and after 3 months of therapy I recovered 99%. After that close call, I swore to never allow back problems to occur again. I had had enough, Shreddy was going gain control of his body.
The body core is comprised of internal organs, encased by spinal bones (ribs included), shoulder bones & pelvic bones. Tying this contraption of bones and innards together is an external layer of muscles that provide an additional structural component to the bone envelope. Then there is the body fat. It is distributed amongst the body core in the following manners with all of the distributions being cumulative and progressively worse:
Stage 1 The Birth of the Waist Band. Subcutaneous fat, the body fat layer is under the skin and above the muscles.
Stage 2. The Growth of the Spare Tire. Subcutaneous fat plus intra-muscular fat, the body fat layer is under the skin above the muscles plus there are additional fat deposits around the muscles.
Stage 3. The Big Apple. Subcutaneous fat plus intra-muscular fat plus visceral fat. The body fat layer is under the skin above the muscles plus there are additional fat deposits around the muscles with further fat deposits penetrating through the bone envelope and forming deposits around the internal organs.
Stage 4. Let Them See an Apple Pie. Subcutaneous fat plus intra-muscular fat plus visceral fat plus inter-muscular fat. The body fat layer is under the skin above the muscles plus there are additional fat deposits around the muscles with further fat deposits penetrating through the bone envelope and forming deposits around the internal organs, finally the fat having nowhere else to go starts being stored within the muscles. You would have achieved near perfect marbling of fat and if the human race had to resort to cannibalism, you would be the tastiest to eat and most likely the first to be killed and eaten.
Finally one gets the human skin which is the largest body organ as the final wrapping layer of the body core.
As far as the rules of human attraction are observed, primatologists have discovered that women are most attracted to a body type where the shoulder to waist ratio is in excess of 1.33 to 1 with a preference being towards a narrower waist. In layman English, women prefer body types like the Late Patrick Swayze`s in Dirty Dancing, to the more muscular bodies like Sylvester Stallone`s. Think dancer body not UFC fighter body. Dancer body shags while UFC fighter body gets close to other UFC fighter bodies.
Is it possible for the stage 3 slob (median North American male) to achieve a dancers core without turning the goal of a dancer`s body core into a day job? I was a below average Stage 4 slob six years ago when I realized I either had to lose a significant amount of weight or I would have earned a reduced life expectancy and a diminished quality of life. Today I wear 31 inch waist Armani skinny fit jeans that are tailored for the body types of young men in their twenties. I turn 45 in a month and I now have a dancers core:) If you are in the 95% of North American men that do not have a dancer`s body core either because you are in the 90% that is too fat or the 5% that due to health or genetic factors are too skinny the good news is the 90% that are too fat can achieve the dancers core while the 5% that are too skinny can eat anything they want and make everybody that has achieved the ideal body type jealous because people with the ideal body type cannot eat as much of what they want when they want all of the time.
I used to work as the accountant for a gym for several years. I had an office with a glass mirrored window from which to play Professor Goodall and observe human bodies closely. I learned that the core is the hardest group of muscles to work. 90% of the men who I would consider gym rats could not achieve anything near the ideal core. They were trying to achieve the ideal shoulder to waist ratio by increasing the shoulder numerator, instead of decreasing the waist denominator. If you want a torso like the late Patrick Swayze`s in the movie Dirty Dancing, you will not get there by wasting your time and money going to a gym.
to be continued.
The body core is comprised of internal organs, encased by spinal bones (ribs included), shoulder bones & pelvic bones. Tying this contraption of bones and innards together is an external layer of muscles that provide an additional structural component to the bone envelope. Then there is the body fat. It is distributed amongst the body core in the following manners with all of the distributions being cumulative and progressively worse:
Stage 1 The Birth of the Waist Band. Subcutaneous fat, the body fat layer is under the skin and above the muscles.
Stage 2. The Growth of the Spare Tire. Subcutaneous fat plus intra-muscular fat, the body fat layer is under the skin above the muscles plus there are additional fat deposits around the muscles.
Stage 3. The Big Apple. Subcutaneous fat plus intra-muscular fat plus visceral fat. The body fat layer is under the skin above the muscles plus there are additional fat deposits around the muscles with further fat deposits penetrating through the bone envelope and forming deposits around the internal organs.
Stage 4. Let Them See an Apple Pie. Subcutaneous fat plus intra-muscular fat plus visceral fat plus inter-muscular fat. The body fat layer is under the skin above the muscles plus there are additional fat deposits around the muscles with further fat deposits penetrating through the bone envelope and forming deposits around the internal organs, finally the fat having nowhere else to go starts being stored within the muscles. You would have achieved near perfect marbling of fat and if the human race had to resort to cannibalism, you would be the tastiest to eat and most likely the first to be killed and eaten.
Finally one gets the human skin which is the largest body organ as the final wrapping layer of the body core.
As far as the rules of human attraction are observed, primatologists have discovered that women are most attracted to a body type where the shoulder to waist ratio is in excess of 1.33 to 1 with a preference being towards a narrower waist. In layman English, women prefer body types like the Late Patrick Swayze`s in Dirty Dancing, to the more muscular bodies like Sylvester Stallone`s. Think dancer body not UFC fighter body. Dancer body shags while UFC fighter body gets close to other UFC fighter bodies.
Is it possible for the stage 3 slob (median North American male) to achieve a dancers core without turning the goal of a dancer`s body core into a day job? I was a below average Stage 4 slob six years ago when I realized I either had to lose a significant amount of weight or I would have earned a reduced life expectancy and a diminished quality of life. Today I wear 31 inch waist Armani skinny fit jeans that are tailored for the body types of young men in their twenties. I turn 45 in a month and I now have a dancers core:) If you are in the 95% of North American men that do not have a dancer`s body core either because you are in the 90% that is too fat or the 5% that due to health or genetic factors are too skinny the good news is the 90% that are too fat can achieve the dancers core while the 5% that are too skinny can eat anything they want and make everybody that has achieved the ideal body type jealous because people with the ideal body type cannot eat as much of what they want when they want all of the time.
I used to work as the accountant for a gym for several years. I had an office with a glass mirrored window from which to play Professor Goodall and observe human bodies closely. I learned that the core is the hardest group of muscles to work. 90% of the men who I would consider gym rats could not achieve anything near the ideal core. They were trying to achieve the ideal shoulder to waist ratio by increasing the shoulder numerator, instead of decreasing the waist denominator. If you want a torso like the late Patrick Swayze`s in the movie Dirty Dancing, you will not get there by wasting your time and money going to a gym.
to be continued.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Remembering a Great Man, Happy Birthday Marshall Tito
Tonight I will be remembering the greatest Croatian that ever lived, Josip Broz Tito in a manner that I am certain Tito would have approved of. The best liquor from France and the wildest woman from a non-aligned nation (Finland). Imitation is the greatest form of flattery. I will be doing everything he would have done minus the white suit and cigars and adding a spliff.
I wonder if Tito were alive today and he ran in a free and democratic election in the little mistakes of countries that were the former nation of Yugoslavia, how big a electoral landslide would he have, if his platform was recreate Yugoslavia, shoot all profiteers, and sentence the profiteers families to hard labour.
I went and I saw Yugoslavia. I saw the interspersed fossilized remains of a great nation, and I saw the rot that set in when the bandits and profiteers moved in.
Tito gave me my first language. The unified tongue of Serbo-Croatian. Latin text for Croatian and Cyrillic text for Serbian. It was a powerful simple effective language that allowed people from all ends of Yugoslavia to understand one another. He created this language, because he understood that deep down if the Yugoslavians could not understand one another they would devolve into savage animals that would kill one another. This language was the tool that propelled your people, the Yugoslavians to greatness. World Champions in Football and Basketball. When I visited Serbia I saw that they still use Tito`s language. When I visited Croatia I heard the New Hungarian language, a series of chicken squeaks that make no sense and is almost useless for communicating any pertinent information. The Croatians abandoned the language that you gave them and developed a ethnically cleansed language with an irrational grammatical framework that led to Croatia earning the proud distinction of being `The Lowest IQ Country in Europe` as according to Mensa. If Croatia does not want to go back to Tito`s language, maybe they should use the Queen`s English.
Why did Tito go soft in 1974 and allow the constitution to change so that the Republics could unilaterally leave. In 1974 he should have dispatched UDBA assassins throughout the world and shot the grumpiest 1,000 Serbs, Slovenes and Croats who were not buying into his dream. Had he had the balls to take inspiration from Voltaire and `Kill Every Priest`, 250,000 innocent people would be alive today and the identity of Yugoslavians would have been solidified with World Cup wins in 1994 and 1998.
I miss you Tito. When you were alive I felt part of something greater. In honour of you, when Shreddy shags a babe Tito style, it will be your flag, The Yugoslavian Flag that I will be painting on the womens toenails.
Happy Birthday Tito
(this article is copyrighted. You are free to use this article and quote from it provided that it is published in it`s entirety)
I wonder if Tito were alive today and he ran in a free and democratic election in the little mistakes of countries that were the former nation of Yugoslavia, how big a electoral landslide would he have, if his platform was recreate Yugoslavia, shoot all profiteers, and sentence the profiteers families to hard labour.
I went and I saw Yugoslavia. I saw the interspersed fossilized remains of a great nation, and I saw the rot that set in when the bandits and profiteers moved in.
Tito gave me my first language. The unified tongue of Serbo-Croatian. Latin text for Croatian and Cyrillic text for Serbian. It was a powerful simple effective language that allowed people from all ends of Yugoslavia to understand one another. He created this language, because he understood that deep down if the Yugoslavians could not understand one another they would devolve into savage animals that would kill one another. This language was the tool that propelled your people, the Yugoslavians to greatness. World Champions in Football and Basketball. When I visited Serbia I saw that they still use Tito`s language. When I visited Croatia I heard the New Hungarian language, a series of chicken squeaks that make no sense and is almost useless for communicating any pertinent information. The Croatians abandoned the language that you gave them and developed a ethnically cleansed language with an irrational grammatical framework that led to Croatia earning the proud distinction of being `The Lowest IQ Country in Europe` as according to Mensa. If Croatia does not want to go back to Tito`s language, maybe they should use the Queen`s English.
Why did Tito go soft in 1974 and allow the constitution to change so that the Republics could unilaterally leave. In 1974 he should have dispatched UDBA assassins throughout the world and shot the grumpiest 1,000 Serbs, Slovenes and Croats who were not buying into his dream. Had he had the balls to take inspiration from Voltaire and `Kill Every Priest`, 250,000 innocent people would be alive today and the identity of Yugoslavians would have been solidified with World Cup wins in 1994 and 1998.
I miss you Tito. When you were alive I felt part of something greater. In honour of you, when Shreddy shags a babe Tito style, it will be your flag, The Yugoslavian Flag that I will be painting on the womens toenails.
Happy Birthday Tito
(this article is copyrighted. You are free to use this article and quote from it provided that it is published in it`s entirety)
Monday, May 24, 2010
A World Without Drunks
If the Western World has an Achilles Heel it is the West's consumption of alcohol. It has absoultely no beneficial effects. Any studies purporting evidence to the benefits of drinking cannot satisfactorily establish a cause and effect relationship between drinking alcohol leading to good health. Alcohol is a toxic carbohydrate, a biocide. Above a certain alcohol percentage threshold, all life ceases to exist. There is more credible scientific evidence supporting benefits from cigarette smoking than there is credible scientific evidence supporting the benefits of alcohol consumption. When I examine any study that purports to show benefits of consuming alcohol I read between the lines and see a researcher who is grasping for straws to justify their own alcohol consumption. I see pseudo science.
The Pseudo Scientists claim that drinking moderate amounts of alcohol leads to better health. The scientific evidence supports that people who are healthy can tolerate poison better. The actual verifiable scientific data supports that a complete abstinence from alcohol leads to increased life expectancy as is evidenced by The Church of Jesus Christ & the Later Day Saints (The Mormons) and The Seventh Day Adventists who have religious restrictions against consuming alcohol, and have life expectancies that significantly exceed those of moderate drinkers.
Alcohol has an immense social cost. My marriage was destroyed by my soon to be ex wifes drinking. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where both parties act in good faith to the best of their abilities. When one of the partners addictions to alcohol leads to repeated acts of negligence that can have tragic consequences for both partners, the marriage has to end before the drunk pulls the sober party into the hell that they are constructing.
If a drunk can be isolated from society so that their deliberate acts of self poisoning don't effect others I would have less of a problem with drinking. However drunks when they interact with society cease to be drunks and in my opinion become rapists. A rape is not a sex crime but a crime of dis-empowering and violating another human being. When a drunk intrudes upon your personal space, they are dis-empowering and violating you. Shouldn't a sober person be allowed to use sufficient force to protect their space? In some US States, the "Right to Stand One's Ground" can be argued as to allowing a sober person to both protect their space and do society a favour by shooting a personal space intrusive drunk dead.
In a perfect world, drunks would either sober up or die.
The Pseudo Scientists claim that drinking moderate amounts of alcohol leads to better health. The scientific evidence supports that people who are healthy can tolerate poison better. The actual verifiable scientific data supports that a complete abstinence from alcohol leads to increased life expectancy as is evidenced by The Church of Jesus Christ & the Later Day Saints (The Mormons) and The Seventh Day Adventists who have religious restrictions against consuming alcohol, and have life expectancies that significantly exceed those of moderate drinkers.
Alcohol has an immense social cost. My marriage was destroyed by my soon to be ex wifes drinking. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where both parties act in good faith to the best of their abilities. When one of the partners addictions to alcohol leads to repeated acts of negligence that can have tragic consequences for both partners, the marriage has to end before the drunk pulls the sober party into the hell that they are constructing.
If a drunk can be isolated from society so that their deliberate acts of self poisoning don't effect others I would have less of a problem with drinking. However drunks when they interact with society cease to be drunks and in my opinion become rapists. A rape is not a sex crime but a crime of dis-empowering and violating another human being. When a drunk intrudes upon your personal space, they are dis-empowering and violating you. Shouldn't a sober person be allowed to use sufficient force to protect their space? In some US States, the "Right to Stand One's Ground" can be argued as to allowing a sober person to both protect their space and do society a favour by shooting a personal space intrusive drunk dead.
In a perfect world, drunks would either sober up or die.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
The Dysgenic Effect - Was Adolph Hitler Right?
The dysgenic effect is conscious human selection making us more stupid and weaker as a species.
The Eugenicists warned us about it. The politically correct types silenced the Eugenicists who in my opinion were speaking the truth, and we are breeding ourselves stupider and weaker as a result of listening to the pussies.
The simplest way to test for yourself if there is a dysgenic effect is think about who are the three smartest women over the age of 30 and under the age of 40 that you know. How many babies have they had? When I ask myself the question, the answer is zero. There is an inverse relationship between female intelligence (education) and fertility.
Here is another test, think of who are the three fittest (combined intelligence & fitness) males over the age of 40 and under the age of 50 that you know. How many children have they fathered? When I ask myself the question the answer is zero. For men there is an inverse relationship between combined mental/physical fitness and fertility.
In Canada there are four groups that are breeding at faster than replacement rate:
1> The First Nations, third world fertility rate in a first world country. Combined with an entitlement safety net that makes a lazy good for nothing Greek (Greek person that lives in Greece) seem like a tightrope walker without a safety net, and you have the ticking ingredients for a demographic time bomb. Eventually there will not be enough White Canadians, Oriental Canadians, and Indo-Canadians (Canadians that produce more than they consume) to support the ever increasing number of First Nation Canadians (Canadians who consume more than they produce).
2> Afro/Carib- Canadians, third world matriarchal social structure in a first world country. I have lived and worked in Toronto. In my opinion there are some outstanding Afro/Carib-Canadians that make a great contribution to our country. Our current Governor General is a Black Canadian born in Haiti, and she is in my opinion the best one we ever had. However there are so many bad apples in the Afro/Carib community that as a whole, what Canada would lose if there were not any Afro/Carib-Canadians, we would more than gain in reduced crime rates. Anybody who is cognisant that lives in Toronto would probably agree with me. Those that wouldn't agree with me in 95% of the instances are either deluded, or they have a vested interest of some form in maintaining the status quo.
3> Muslim-Canadians, when you see a burqua or burquas walking down the street you see CHILDREN (the plural word). With no restrictions against inbreeding, and amongst a significant portion of them first cousin marriages being the rule, another ticking time bomb. In the United Kingdom a third of all children born with chronic expensive birth defects are the result of the 3% of the population that are first cousin marriages of British people of Pakistani descent. Genetically speaking marrying a first cousin is marrying someone as genetically close to oneself as ones own mother. This inbreeding does have a mitigative effect in the sense that the Muslims are breeding themselves more stupid at a faster rate than we are.
4> The bottom quartile breed young and breed often. When you see a young obese teen pushing a baby carriage, look at her face and hopefully get a chance to look at their eyes. What you will notice is that they are not there mentally. They have a blank bewildered look in their eyes, and they are socializing their children incorrectly. The bewildered obese teen will probably become a grandmother by the time an intelligent woman from the top quartile becomes a mother for the first time if at all. Average fertility rate in the USA of White High School Dropouts > 2.5, while the average fertility rate of women with a bachelor degree is <1.6. In Canada the fertility rate of women with university degrees is < 1.2
If Adolph Hitler was not an anti-Semite, would he would have have been considered the greatest visionary of the 20th century?
(This article is copyrighted. You are free to distribute, quote and use it only as long as the article is published in it's entirety.)
The Eugenicists warned us about it. The politically correct types silenced the Eugenicists who in my opinion were speaking the truth, and we are breeding ourselves stupider and weaker as a result of listening to the pussies.
The simplest way to test for yourself if there is a dysgenic effect is think about who are the three smartest women over the age of 30 and under the age of 40 that you know. How many babies have they had? When I ask myself the question, the answer is zero. There is an inverse relationship between female intelligence (education) and fertility.
Here is another test, think of who are the three fittest (combined intelligence & fitness) males over the age of 40 and under the age of 50 that you know. How many children have they fathered? When I ask myself the question the answer is zero. For men there is an inverse relationship between combined mental/physical fitness and fertility.
In Canada there are four groups that are breeding at faster than replacement rate:
1> The First Nations, third world fertility rate in a first world country. Combined with an entitlement safety net that makes a lazy good for nothing Greek (Greek person that lives in Greece) seem like a tightrope walker without a safety net, and you have the ticking ingredients for a demographic time bomb. Eventually there will not be enough White Canadians, Oriental Canadians, and Indo-Canadians (Canadians that produce more than they consume) to support the ever increasing number of First Nation Canadians (Canadians who consume more than they produce).
2> Afro/Carib- Canadians, third world matriarchal social structure in a first world country. I have lived and worked in Toronto. In my opinion there are some outstanding Afro/Carib-Canadians that make a great contribution to our country. Our current Governor General is a Black Canadian born in Haiti, and she is in my opinion the best one we ever had. However there are so many bad apples in the Afro/Carib community that as a whole, what Canada would lose if there were not any Afro/Carib-Canadians, we would more than gain in reduced crime rates. Anybody who is cognisant that lives in Toronto would probably agree with me. Those that wouldn't agree with me in 95% of the instances are either deluded, or they have a vested interest of some form in maintaining the status quo.
3> Muslim-Canadians, when you see a burqua or burquas walking down the street you see CHILDREN (the plural word). With no restrictions against inbreeding, and amongst a significant portion of them first cousin marriages being the rule, another ticking time bomb. In the United Kingdom a third of all children born with chronic expensive birth defects are the result of the 3% of the population that are first cousin marriages of British people of Pakistani descent. Genetically speaking marrying a first cousin is marrying someone as genetically close to oneself as ones own mother. This inbreeding does have a mitigative effect in the sense that the Muslims are breeding themselves more stupid at a faster rate than we are.
4> The bottom quartile breed young and breed often. When you see a young obese teen pushing a baby carriage, look at her face and hopefully get a chance to look at their eyes. What you will notice is that they are not there mentally. They have a blank bewildered look in their eyes, and they are socializing their children incorrectly. The bewildered obese teen will probably become a grandmother by the time an intelligent woman from the top quartile becomes a mother for the first time if at all. Average fertility rate in the USA of White High School Dropouts > 2.5, while the average fertility rate of women with a bachelor degree is <1.6. In Canada the fertility rate of women with university degrees is < 1.2
If Adolph Hitler was not an anti-Semite, would he would have have been considered the greatest visionary of the 20th century?
(This article is copyrighted. You are free to distribute, quote and use it only as long as the article is published in it's entirety.)
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Dragon Boat Racing
I am too fat for rowing. This morning when I stepped on the scale I weighed 164 pounds. While most people would think I have accomplished the unbelievable evolving into a completely different body, 164 pounds is still too fat to qualify as a men's lightweight rower. If one is 160 pounds or heavier, there are no size categories just age categories. Until Shreddy gets below 160 pounds, and finishes his Rowing Canada novice racer certification, no competitive rowing.
There is however a competitive water sport that is fun, safer than rowing (no fractured ribs or wrecked racing sculls yet), team oriented so failure is shared, and 75% of the participants are women. We are talking about Dragon Boat racing. One Drummer, One Steerer, Twenty Paddlers and the boat in service of Her Majesties Canada Post Corporation. Today for the first time since the summer of 1983, Shreddy is in a race.
Men join Dragon Boat racing to meet women who are not drunks or Coke-heads. Women join dragon boating to meet men who are not drunks or lurking around behind their partners backs. There is a catch however, Dragon Boat racing is a Chicktoria/Vancougar sport so there are probably 6 women looking for a man who is not a drunk or lurking about behind his partners back, for every man that is looking for a woman who is not a drunk or a Coke-head.
Today there should be about 150 men racing and 450 women racing. There are women only boats, and almost every other boat will have a majority of women.
Today I have a new element added to the deadly dare. Yesterday, I was cornered by a woman who knew about my dare and follows the creed of "She Who Dares Wins". Finland's flag is still on my toes, but to honour a truly bad girl, I have been dared to respond to the first apparently eligible woman that asks me what do I do for a living?
"I am a Man Whore."
Will I get slapped?
Will I get keel hauled?
Will I get laid?
Will I get laid & paid?
There is however a competitive water sport that is fun, safer than rowing (no fractured ribs or wrecked racing sculls yet), team oriented so failure is shared, and 75% of the participants are women. We are talking about Dragon Boat racing. One Drummer, One Steerer, Twenty Paddlers and the boat in service of Her Majesties Canada Post Corporation. Today for the first time since the summer of 1983, Shreddy is in a race.
Men join Dragon Boat racing to meet women who are not drunks or Coke-heads. Women join dragon boating to meet men who are not drunks or lurking around behind their partners backs. There is a catch however, Dragon Boat racing is a Chicktoria/Vancougar sport so there are probably 6 women looking for a man who is not a drunk or lurking about behind his partners back, for every man that is looking for a woman who is not a drunk or a Coke-head.
Today there should be about 150 men racing and 450 women racing. There are women only boats, and almost every other boat will have a majority of women.
Today I have a new element added to the deadly dare. Yesterday, I was cornered by a woman who knew about my dare and follows the creed of "She Who Dares Wins". Finland's flag is still on my toes, but to honour a truly bad girl, I have been dared to respond to the first apparently eligible woman that asks me what do I do for a living?
"I am a Man Whore."
Will I get slapped?
Will I get keel hauled?
Will I get laid?
Will I get laid & paid?
Friday, May 21, 2010
The Man Belly
I used to have a belly. He was my friend. He gave me a sense of security because thanks to Mr. Belly I could:
1> Go for 120 days living off of a multi-vitamin and water
2> Float in water thanks to fat being lighter than water
3> Stay warm thanks to the tapered thermal layer of fat that radiated out from my belly covering the rest of my body in a warm living insulated suit.
4> Stop a 22 calibre bullet fired from a short rim-fire cartridge
5> Look NORMAL in North America
6> Cheer up friends when they were sad because using pigmentation I was able to draw ridiculous faces on my tummy and make sad people laugh.
7> Have a hope of getting a disability parking sticker and get V.I.P. parking privileges for a self inflicted wound
8> Attend an oxygen telemetry clinic for sleep apnea and feel thin for a change.
9> Stay more grounded during a major windstorm
10> Attend raves and dance at the front shirtless and have all the Oriental ravers think I was wearing a Michelin Man costume, when in fact I was just a fat white gut who ate too much....
One day, I woke up and decided to commit an act of betrayal. I decided that it was time to do the unthinkable. I was going to turn on my friend. Is it you Brutus?
1> Go for 120 days living off of a multi-vitamin and water
2> Float in water thanks to fat being lighter than water
3> Stay warm thanks to the tapered thermal layer of fat that radiated out from my belly covering the rest of my body in a warm living insulated suit.
4> Stop a 22 calibre bullet fired from a short rim-fire cartridge
5> Look NORMAL in North America
6> Cheer up friends when they were sad because using pigmentation I was able to draw ridiculous faces on my tummy and make sad people laugh.
7> Have a hope of getting a disability parking sticker and get V.I.P. parking privileges for a self inflicted wound
8> Attend an oxygen telemetry clinic for sleep apnea and feel thin for a change.
9> Stay more grounded during a major windstorm
10> Attend raves and dance at the front shirtless and have all the Oriental ravers think I was wearing a Michelin Man costume, when in fact I was just a fat white gut who ate too much....
One day, I woke up and decided to commit an act of betrayal. I decided that it was time to do the unthinkable. I was going to turn on my friend. Is it you Brutus?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I Will Believe It Is All Inside The Head, When I Believe Pigs Can Fly
We are talking about human consciousness. Conventional wisdom has it all residing in our frontal lobes, however recent experiences and my sixth sense are leading me towards believing our consciousness is EXTERNAL.
Some of the evidence that I have been witnessing is just plain freaky.
1> My third cousin.
We are both Y line cousins, our last common ancestor was a murderous psycho (Great Great Grandfather - founder of the Brkanjci). We both take after our X Lines (mothers side), assuming we were 50% each generation on our Y line our maximum genetic commonality is 12.5%. We would both think we are closer to 6% commonality as we are spitting images of our respective moms side.
Our tie in is her father. My Second cousin once removed who was born in Croatia and brought out by my Uncle to Canada when I was 8 years old and he was 20 to correctly socialize my 10 year old cousin and myself. Grandpa had his Bratic (1st cousin Y line) who was sufficient to act as the clan enforcer, so Grandpa's Sinovac (Bratic's son) came over to Canada with the mission to teach us how to fight, fornicate and drink. The three main Brkanjci virtues.
My cousin stuck around helping socialize the first generation of Canadian born Erlic's until the first of us reached adulthood. He went back to Croatia, got married, had four children, started raising them using these new fangled child rearing techniques that he learned in North America helping raise me. He raised my cousin until she was seven years old, and he was killed by a land-mine in 1992.
I met my cousin for the first time in my life in February 2010. I was 44 and she was 25. The second I was within 2 meters of her I was certain I could sense our consciousness bridging. We were finishing off each others sentences, we were having collective ideas, we made her fiance wonder whether we were possessed by some strange Brkanjci demon that gave us two bodies and one mind. In 95% of abstract questions that her finance asked we would come up with the same answer and same thought process. When we compared our passwords both numeric and alpha numeric, we found that they were almost identical. We both spent many years in a black hole dealing with the death of my cousin and her father. Both of use were set free from our prison by her father when somehow I felt his energy telling me to forgive the Serb that laid the mine that killed him, and my cousin felt the same thing. With her the act of forgiveness made her come very alive, and strengthened her resolve to stick true to her ideals. With me the act of forgiveness started a fundamental change in my physiology. I threw away the anti-depressants, got almost possessed by a Noahidic type of sense that my body had to follow a certain path. I have been rapidly evolving since and I live in a body that is unrecognizable from the body I lived in less than two years ago, before I forgave the man whose mine took my cousins life.
I realized that a very significant part of the man who my cousin was is very much alive and thriving in both his daughter and myself. My cousin and I simultaneously looked at each other and at the same time we told each other that somehow whatever fears we had of death were totally put to rest by our meeting. Her finance needed another cigarette.
2> Watching someone I know heal from a traumatic injury by evolving out of it into the body form of someone else I know, who they have never met.
Seven months ago a friend of mine tried to set me up with an intelligent, beautiful young woman. I was not interested in her because I was interested in her older friend.
I have spent my life compiling a list, people who know me and are loyal to the end, people who owe me favours, people who want me to at some point do them a favour, people who are separated by one degree of separation who can be valuable allies, but most importantly people who have an idea of what I or a very close friend of mine are capable of and would rather not be on the wrong side of us. If I made a life with the older friend I was interested, the list would remain an interesting curiosity that would continuously flow a decent stream of benefits to us. If I went for her younger friend the list would be a life changer that combined with the two of us could possibly make the sum of the two of us greatly exceed the parts. My list greatly influenced my choice of women. It would be easier on my psyche that the list can at least be a highly beneficial curiosity, than it have the potential of being a life changer and completely going to waste. I went for the older friend, and it did not work out.
Five months ago I went to visit a friend of mine who had suffered a traumatic injury that generally results in a reduced lifespan of 5 years for a woman of my friends age. Her body was deteriorating rapidly and her aging function was accelerating. In her younger years she was a man eater with a taste for a very specific flavor that is a subset of only the fittest 1% of men. She had not seen me in a couple of years, and she was shocked that I grew a new body that fit the exact parameter of the very specific flavor of men she most enjoyed devouring. I gave my friend a hug, held her close and looked in her eyes and told her that if she could recover 75% of the condition she had lost, and be on a improving trajectory, she could have 24 hours to do with Shreddy as she wants. I gave her my amino and fatty acid brew, and my muscle rest prescription
I saw my friend two weeks ago. She is no longer deteriorating. She is healing very rapidly and she is using what her intuition tells her is the optimal variant of my diet, rest, exercise regimen that works for her. She has recovered over 55% of the condition that she lost. Her body is evolving and she is starting to resemble the beautiful intelligent young woman that I passed over. The resemblance is amazing, as close as my resemblance to my Ujko. Sometime before the end of my Oakley dare I will be claimed as a prize and torn to pieces by a man eater who will at that time resemble a clone of a woman I should have pursued.
3> Running into The Organic Black Forrest Ham Beauty
Our paths crossed. We have started to develop a scholarly friendship. I am a bad boy and she is a bad girl. We both provide the deepest insights for one another regarding our respective genders. She is teaching me how to spot a woman's Achilles heel and I am teaching her how to spot a man's Achilles heel. We are Jack & Jane Goodall sharing notes and fate put us together on May 1, 2010. We were looking for each other but only realized it when we ran into each other again.
4> Out of Body Experiences
I do gymnastic strength training exercises as my fitness routine. No more than an hour a week training, with two hours a week training if I am planning on doing something stupid where there is a strong possibility I can get myself killed. I am starting to almost visualize my moves from a third person three quarter perspective when I am doing my isometric twists. Is it a side effect of becoming more coordinated by forcing my body repeatedly out of its comfort zone, or am I just better able to sense my external consciousness?
Some of the evidence that I have been witnessing is just plain freaky.
1> My third cousin.
We are both Y line cousins, our last common ancestor was a murderous psycho (Great Great Grandfather - founder of the Brkanjci). We both take after our X Lines (mothers side), assuming we were 50% each generation on our Y line our maximum genetic commonality is 12.5%. We would both think we are closer to 6% commonality as we are spitting images of our respective moms side.
Our tie in is her father. My Second cousin once removed who was born in Croatia and brought out by my Uncle to Canada when I was 8 years old and he was 20 to correctly socialize my 10 year old cousin and myself. Grandpa had his Bratic (1st cousin Y line) who was sufficient to act as the clan enforcer, so Grandpa's Sinovac (Bratic's son) came over to Canada with the mission to teach us how to fight, fornicate and drink. The three main Brkanjci virtues.
My cousin stuck around helping socialize the first generation of Canadian born Erlic's until the first of us reached adulthood. He went back to Croatia, got married, had four children, started raising them using these new fangled child rearing techniques that he learned in North America helping raise me. He raised my cousin until she was seven years old, and he was killed by a land-mine in 1992.
I met my cousin for the first time in my life in February 2010. I was 44 and she was 25. The second I was within 2 meters of her I was certain I could sense our consciousness bridging. We were finishing off each others sentences, we were having collective ideas, we made her fiance wonder whether we were possessed by some strange Brkanjci demon that gave us two bodies and one mind. In 95% of abstract questions that her finance asked we would come up with the same answer and same thought process. When we compared our passwords both numeric and alpha numeric, we found that they were almost identical. We both spent many years in a black hole dealing with the death of my cousin and her father. Both of use were set free from our prison by her father when somehow I felt his energy telling me to forgive the Serb that laid the mine that killed him, and my cousin felt the same thing. With her the act of forgiveness made her come very alive, and strengthened her resolve to stick true to her ideals. With me the act of forgiveness started a fundamental change in my physiology. I threw away the anti-depressants, got almost possessed by a Noahidic type of sense that my body had to follow a certain path. I have been rapidly evolving since and I live in a body that is unrecognizable from the body I lived in less than two years ago, before I forgave the man whose mine took my cousins life.
I realized that a very significant part of the man who my cousin was is very much alive and thriving in both his daughter and myself. My cousin and I simultaneously looked at each other and at the same time we told each other that somehow whatever fears we had of death were totally put to rest by our meeting. Her finance needed another cigarette.
2> Watching someone I know heal from a traumatic injury by evolving out of it into the body form of someone else I know, who they have never met.
Seven months ago a friend of mine tried to set me up with an intelligent, beautiful young woman. I was not interested in her because I was interested in her older friend.
I have spent my life compiling a list, people who know me and are loyal to the end, people who owe me favours, people who want me to at some point do them a favour, people who are separated by one degree of separation who can be valuable allies, but most importantly people who have an idea of what I or a very close friend of mine are capable of and would rather not be on the wrong side of us. If I made a life with the older friend I was interested, the list would remain an interesting curiosity that would continuously flow a decent stream of benefits to us. If I went for her younger friend the list would be a life changer that combined with the two of us could possibly make the sum of the two of us greatly exceed the parts. My list greatly influenced my choice of women. It would be easier on my psyche that the list can at least be a highly beneficial curiosity, than it have the potential of being a life changer and completely going to waste. I went for the older friend, and it did not work out.
Five months ago I went to visit a friend of mine who had suffered a traumatic injury that generally results in a reduced lifespan of 5 years for a woman of my friends age. Her body was deteriorating rapidly and her aging function was accelerating. In her younger years she was a man eater with a taste for a very specific flavor that is a subset of only the fittest 1% of men. She had not seen me in a couple of years, and she was shocked that I grew a new body that fit the exact parameter of the very specific flavor of men she most enjoyed devouring. I gave my friend a hug, held her close and looked in her eyes and told her that if she could recover 75% of the condition she had lost, and be on a improving trajectory, she could have 24 hours to do with Shreddy as she wants. I gave her my amino and fatty acid brew, and my muscle rest prescription
I saw my friend two weeks ago. She is no longer deteriorating. She is healing very rapidly and she is using what her intuition tells her is the optimal variant of my diet, rest, exercise regimen that works for her. She has recovered over 55% of the condition that she lost. Her body is evolving and she is starting to resemble the beautiful intelligent young woman that I passed over. The resemblance is amazing, as close as my resemblance to my Ujko. Sometime before the end of my Oakley dare I will be claimed as a prize and torn to pieces by a man eater who will at that time resemble a clone of a woman I should have pursued.
3> Running into The Organic Black Forrest Ham Beauty
Our paths crossed. We have started to develop a scholarly friendship. I am a bad boy and she is a bad girl. We both provide the deepest insights for one another regarding our respective genders. She is teaching me how to spot a woman's Achilles heel and I am teaching her how to spot a man's Achilles heel. We are Jack & Jane Goodall sharing notes and fate put us together on May 1, 2010. We were looking for each other but only realized it when we ran into each other again.
4> Out of Body Experiences
I do gymnastic strength training exercises as my fitness routine. No more than an hour a week training, with two hours a week training if I am planning on doing something stupid where there is a strong possibility I can get myself killed. I am starting to almost visualize my moves from a third person three quarter perspective when I am doing my isometric twists. Is it a side effect of becoming more coordinated by forcing my body repeatedly out of its comfort zone, or am I just better able to sense my external consciousness?
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The Deadly Oakley Dare - What I Have Learned so Far
The dare is simple. If one is a truly bad boy or bad girl and single. Paint the flag of origin of the best shag of your life on your toenails, be daring enough to tell any adult that asks why a flag is painted on your toes (A Finn gave me the best smiley face of my life). Be prepared to offer attractive members of the opposite sex the chance to paint over your toes with their national colours.
What I have learned so far:
1> Truly bad boys and girls are dying for the opportunity to share notes with one another, and evaluate characteristics of conquests broken down by tribe under an objective framework.
2> Expect the unexpected. When you live being ready to seize the moment, out of nowhere the moment is inclined to seize you. My initial guess was that a Ruthless Russian or Savage Swede would be attempting the first paint-over of Finland, I was totally wrong.
3> Every tribe produces exceptional individuals who are true shag monsters that are capable of putting big smiley faces on their shag partners. However comparing notes with truly bad boys and girls points to one tribal group where epic shag monsters are the rule instead of the exception. I have shagged four members of this tribal group, and all four made my ten best shags list. When comparing notes with other bad boys and girls, we have no reported instance that a known member of this tribal group that did not make the ten best shags list.
4> My female friends guessed correctly.
What I have learned so far:
1> Truly bad boys and girls are dying for the opportunity to share notes with one another, and evaluate characteristics of conquests broken down by tribe under an objective framework.
2> Expect the unexpected. When you live being ready to seize the moment, out of nowhere the moment is inclined to seize you. My initial guess was that a Ruthless Russian or Savage Swede would be attempting the first paint-over of Finland, I was totally wrong.
3> Every tribe produces exceptional individuals who are true shag monsters that are capable of putting big smiley faces on their shag partners. However comparing notes with truly bad boys and girls points to one tribal group where epic shag monsters are the rule instead of the exception. I have shagged four members of this tribal group, and all four made my ten best shags list. When comparing notes with other bad boys and girls, we have no reported instance that a known member of this tribal group that did not make the ten best shags list.
4> My female friends guessed correctly.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Are Two Mothers Better Than One?
Am I going about trying to get a biological child the wrong way. Meet a woman, go on a date(s) with woman, realize the woman wants to change me. Back to being alone. The theory is I keep repeating this process until I tire of it. If after a dozen rounds of rejection, I still want a child bad enough, capitulate to a woman's demands to change me and start slowly dying, while holding out hope that a little pink hand will arrive to give me a reason to want to wake up.
One of my dear friends whose opinion I respect happens to be a lesbian. She reminded me of the most important cards in my favour. Women cannot produce sperm. If a lesbian couple wants to get pregnant they need a sperm provider. Since they are lesbians, there is no Bridezilla delusions of aggrandizement going through their heads. The lesbian pair would care more about the genetic makeup of a potential human being than a Bridezilla would care about her choice of shoes. The thought of two sane minds evaluating my merits is more attractive than one temporarily insane mind thinking about what I would look like standing next to them in a photo.
There is one hitch in that most poorer lesbian couples would want me to donate the sperm and have no parental involvement with the child. The birth certificate would have the most common father's name in BC printed on it, UNKNOWN. The little boy or girl would be at the mercy of their mothers until either their mothers told them I was the father, or they reached the age of majority at which case they could take a DNA test and find me. If they could not find me prior to their eighteenth birthday, we would be legal nothings to one another. The pure sperm donor approach has some advantages and disadvantages. From an evolutionary standpoint it would allow me to spread my genes wider. With no financial obligations what is to stop me from fathering 10 or more children. I could continue to live my life with minimal changes and interruptions. My children can grow up in as near to a feral state as possible, and I can develop pet theories about each one that I could compare with the results when I finally met my child after they tracked me down. However I would not get what I want most, the little pink hand reaching up to me.
The alternative is to look for a more affluent married lesbian pair, who are prepared to grant some parental rights in return for parental responsibilities at my end. Eleven percent of my pre-tax income for my name on the birth certificate as the father. One weekend in my care every month and two weeks in my care every summer. Since the child would have half my genes, they would probably never get sick. The advantages to the mothers would be a healthy easy to raise child that would have some normalcy in its life knowing it would have a father. The advantage I would have is the little pink hand reaching to me as a dad, without having to have my life destroyed by a Bridezilla monster. The biggest advantage a child would have is three loving parents instead of two.
Which leads me to ask myself, am I just being plain dumb holding out hoping to meet a suitable straight woman when in all likelihood one who could offer as much to a potential child as a married lesbian couple does not exist? Would I not be better off seeking out the right married lesbian couple who would want to put some effort into creating an exceptional human being? Are two mommies better than one?
One of my dear friends whose opinion I respect happens to be a lesbian. She reminded me of the most important cards in my favour. Women cannot produce sperm. If a lesbian couple wants to get pregnant they need a sperm provider. Since they are lesbians, there is no Bridezilla delusions of aggrandizement going through their heads. The lesbian pair would care more about the genetic makeup of a potential human being than a Bridezilla would care about her choice of shoes. The thought of two sane minds evaluating my merits is more attractive than one temporarily insane mind thinking about what I would look like standing next to them in a photo.
There is one hitch in that most poorer lesbian couples would want me to donate the sperm and have no parental involvement with the child. The birth certificate would have the most common father's name in BC printed on it, UNKNOWN. The little boy or girl would be at the mercy of their mothers until either their mothers told them I was the father, or they reached the age of majority at which case they could take a DNA test and find me. If they could not find me prior to their eighteenth birthday, we would be legal nothings to one another. The pure sperm donor approach has some advantages and disadvantages. From an evolutionary standpoint it would allow me to spread my genes wider. With no financial obligations what is to stop me from fathering 10 or more children. I could continue to live my life with minimal changes and interruptions. My children can grow up in as near to a feral state as possible, and I can develop pet theories about each one that I could compare with the results when I finally met my child after they tracked me down. However I would not get what I want most, the little pink hand reaching up to me.
The alternative is to look for a more affluent married lesbian pair, who are prepared to grant some parental rights in return for parental responsibilities at my end. Eleven percent of my pre-tax income for my name on the birth certificate as the father. One weekend in my care every month and two weeks in my care every summer. Since the child would have half my genes, they would probably never get sick. The advantages to the mothers would be a healthy easy to raise child that would have some normalcy in its life knowing it would have a father. The advantage I would have is the little pink hand reaching to me as a dad, without having to have my life destroyed by a Bridezilla monster. The biggest advantage a child would have is three loving parents instead of two.
Which leads me to ask myself, am I just being plain dumb holding out hoping to meet a suitable straight woman when in all likelihood one who could offer as much to a potential child as a married lesbian couple does not exist? Would I not be better off seeking out the right married lesbian couple who would want to put some effort into creating an exceptional human being? Are two mommies better than one?
Monday, May 17, 2010
Pearasaurus Regina & Slackasaurus Rex
(It is twenty seven days until the start of the World Cup of Football (Soccer to North Americans), Shreddy is taking a break from adventuring with a dysfunctional clan of Herzegovians (Cetko, Father Metko & Ivanka the Nun) and he is back in fitness studio listening to the British Band Oasis and practising his full body Union Jacks hanging from his grip bar. This time instead of listening to the Oasis song "Shock of the Lightning", he is listening to "Morning Glory" as he is testing a pet theory of his, the white powder that gets the body into the best shape is Sucrose, not C17H21NO4HCl as the Oasis song states. Bogdan the master of disguise for the Pink Panthers, The World's Foremost Gang of Jewel Thieves from the Serbian City of Nis walks in carrying two Panther Bags of Tricks. As Shreddy is in the midst of a set, Bogdan knows better than to interrupt Shreddy as interrupting Shreddy in the middle of an exercise set is the easiest way to get oneself killed. Shreddy performs his Union Jack, this time he is feeling particularly psycho after completing St. Andrew's Cross, so he adds the 90 degree body twist to the horizontal bar of St. Georges Cross)
BOGDAN - "Excellent job on the horizontal leg of the Union Jack. Are you trying to get strong enough to trace the Serbian Double Eagle with your body?"
SHREDDY - "No human being can trace a Serbian Double Eagle with their body. It is just too difficult, not even the members of your elite drag strike team are strong enough to do the manoeuvre."
BOGDAN - "I knew that. I was hoping that you had not clued into that the maneuver was impossible and you actually would do it. Anyhow why aren't you cheering for Serbia in the World Cup?"
SHREDDY - "I am quietly cheering for Serbia. I remember 2008 when there were twice as many people cheering for Croatia in Belgrade as there was in Zagreb when Croatia played Turkey."
BOGDAN - "What a useless degenerate Slaven Bilic was, he couldn't even control his own team and they gave Turkey the match. Anyhow I brought you two presents."
(Bogdan reaches into his first bag of tricks and pulls out a giant glass water bong that is twice the size of Shreddy's trusted old friend Bubble 007. It is the Gear Double Water Chamber, Two Stage Carborated Tar Reducer Ice Bong. The ultimate performance, non electrical assisted marijuana smoking device)
SHREDDY - "Oh my God. That is the ultimate in water bongs. I finally have a nicer bong than my daughter. Thank you Bogdan, this is going to be far easier on my lungs."
BOGDAN - "I think we will both need to take a couple of heaves off of the new bong. My colleague Ratko Simulic developed a time travel machine and he travelled 300 years into the future to trap the most statistically average twenty year old man and woman and bring them back for our examination. I think you better name your new bong first. What Ratko saw in his travels has him in therapy doing Enneagram exercises. The bag is still sealed, he assured me the two creatures have enough food and sanitation capabilities. He did however tell me we had to be extremely stoned when we opened the bag otherwise we might have an adverse reaction upon seeing the people of the future."
SHREDDY - "I suspect that with the dysgenic effect, the average person of the future will be devolved from the human of today. I learned a trick from the Jews in Oak Bay that keeps Adolph Hitler away. We have to mix a trace of tobacco with the weed."
BOGDAN - "We can't allow ourselves to get hooked on nicotine again."
(Shreddy reaches to his table and grabs a bottle of small blue pills. He takes out four tablets. He hands two little blue pills to Bogdan and keeps two for himself.)
SHREDDY - "Take these, they are Champix (Chantix to Americans). These pills will block the nicotine receptors in our brain so that we can use the tobacco prophylactically to keep the Hitler thoughts at bay, all the while preventing ourselves from getting hooked on nicotine again."
BOGDAN - "I feel a sense of unease whenever someone with bloodlines from Bosnia & Herzegovina is handing out pills."
SHREDDY - "We would both feel more of a sense of unease if what we saw made us go into Hitler mode, or start smoking tobacco again. Anyhow I think I will name the new bong Chika, kind of sounds like Chiquita Banana, the more correct sounding rename of the United Fruit Company "
(Shreddy and Bogdan pop the two little blue tablets of Pfizer's smoking cessation drug Chantix (Champix to Canadians). Shreddy packs the Gear Double Water Chamber, Two Stage Carborated Tar Reducer Ice Bong with a bowl of pink kush indica and with a minute shred of tobacco to keep the Hitler thoughts at bay. Shreddy turns on his iPod in the docking station, and plays the Rush album 2112. Bogdan and Shreddy proceed to smoke twenty one bowls with no ice and a further twelve bowls with ice in the bong getting thoroughly annihilated. They open the sack and out on the floor emerge the two most hideous of lifeforms).
SHREDDY - "The creature with what appears to be facial hair resembles a transistor prior to having it's wires bent and being soldered onto a circuit board. This has to be the male form, I think we should call him Slackasaurus Rex."
BOGDAN - "This creature that is lacking facial hair that kind of resembles a bull elephant seal without the nose must be the feminine form. I think we should call her Pearasaurus Regina"
SHREDDY - "The Professor was correct when he described the Priests of the Temples of Syrinx."
BOGDAN - "They were the Nutritionists and Dietitians."
(Bogdan and Shreddy have a couple of shots of sljivovica (plum brandy) together, as everyone knows when mixing pot and alcohol, two plus two makes ten)
BOGDAN - "Excellent job on the horizontal leg of the Union Jack. Are you trying to get strong enough to trace the Serbian Double Eagle with your body?"
SHREDDY - "No human being can trace a Serbian Double Eagle with their body. It is just too difficult, not even the members of your elite drag strike team are strong enough to do the manoeuvre."
BOGDAN - "I knew that. I was hoping that you had not clued into that the maneuver was impossible and you actually would do it. Anyhow why aren't you cheering for Serbia in the World Cup?"
SHREDDY - "I am quietly cheering for Serbia. I remember 2008 when there were twice as many people cheering for Croatia in Belgrade as there was in Zagreb when Croatia played Turkey."
BOGDAN - "What a useless degenerate Slaven Bilic was, he couldn't even control his own team and they gave Turkey the match. Anyhow I brought you two presents."
(Bogdan reaches into his first bag of tricks and pulls out a giant glass water bong that is twice the size of Shreddy's trusted old friend Bubble 007. It is the Gear Double Water Chamber, Two Stage Carborated Tar Reducer Ice Bong. The ultimate performance, non electrical assisted marijuana smoking device)
SHREDDY - "Oh my God. That is the ultimate in water bongs. I finally have a nicer bong than my daughter. Thank you Bogdan, this is going to be far easier on my lungs."
BOGDAN - "I think we will both need to take a couple of heaves off of the new bong. My colleague Ratko Simulic developed a time travel machine and he travelled 300 years into the future to trap the most statistically average twenty year old man and woman and bring them back for our examination. I think you better name your new bong first. What Ratko saw in his travels has him in therapy doing Enneagram exercises. The bag is still sealed, he assured me the two creatures have enough food and sanitation capabilities. He did however tell me we had to be extremely stoned when we opened the bag otherwise we might have an adverse reaction upon seeing the people of the future."
SHREDDY - "I suspect that with the dysgenic effect, the average person of the future will be devolved from the human of today. I learned a trick from the Jews in Oak Bay that keeps Adolph Hitler away. We have to mix a trace of tobacco with the weed."
BOGDAN - "We can't allow ourselves to get hooked on nicotine again."
(Shreddy reaches to his table and grabs a bottle of small blue pills. He takes out four tablets. He hands two little blue pills to Bogdan and keeps two for himself.)
SHREDDY - "Take these, they are Champix (Chantix to Americans). These pills will block the nicotine receptors in our brain so that we can use the tobacco prophylactically to keep the Hitler thoughts at bay, all the while preventing ourselves from getting hooked on nicotine again."
BOGDAN - "I feel a sense of unease whenever someone with bloodlines from Bosnia & Herzegovina is handing out pills."
SHREDDY - "We would both feel more of a sense of unease if what we saw made us go into Hitler mode, or start smoking tobacco again. Anyhow I think I will name the new bong Chika, kind of sounds like Chiquita Banana, the more correct sounding rename of the United Fruit Company "
(Shreddy and Bogdan pop the two little blue tablets of Pfizer's smoking cessation drug Chantix (Champix to Canadians). Shreddy packs the Gear Double Water Chamber, Two Stage Carborated Tar Reducer Ice Bong with a bowl of pink kush indica and with a minute shred of tobacco to keep the Hitler thoughts at bay. Shreddy turns on his iPod in the docking station, and plays the Rush album 2112. Bogdan and Shreddy proceed to smoke twenty one bowls with no ice and a further twelve bowls with ice in the bong getting thoroughly annihilated. They open the sack and out on the floor emerge the two most hideous of lifeforms).
SHREDDY - "The creature with what appears to be facial hair resembles a transistor prior to having it's wires bent and being soldered onto a circuit board. This has to be the male form, I think we should call him Slackasaurus Rex."
BOGDAN - "This creature that is lacking facial hair that kind of resembles a bull elephant seal without the nose must be the feminine form. I think we should call her Pearasaurus Regina"
SHREDDY - "The Professor was correct when he described the Priests of the Temples of Syrinx."
BOGDAN - "They were the Nutritionists and Dietitians."
(Bogdan and Shreddy have a couple of shots of sljivovica (plum brandy) together, as everyone knows when mixing pot and alcohol, two plus two makes ten)
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Bridezillas
As a man, what scares me the most about entering into any relationship with a woman is whether I would be there just to feed a Bridezilla Fantasy. Without a drone, there can be no Bridezilla. If I date a woman my own age, there can be no biological baby. Is my deep desire for a biological child placing me on a collision course with a rapacious Bridezilla monster in waiting?
Can I become a father again without dehumanizing myself for a bloodstone? Why must a man display two months worth of his absolute life's energy on the ring finger of a woman? For the price of a ring, a potential human being could be raised to toddler-hood. Are women being trained from childhood to evaluate their own self worth as a function of how many African villages are burned to the ground and how many little girls are mutilated for their left hand finger that is next to the pinky? I despise diamonds deeply for what they represent, human pain and suffering. Nobody can see the laser drawn Polar Bear and any demand for jewellery diamonds whatsoever ultimately drives the Blood Diamond machine. Why else would I think so highly of the Pink Panthers, the World's Foremost Gang of Jewel Thieves from the Serbian city of Nis? I would like to see a world where it is a badge of shame to be adorned with a diamond.
Can I become a father again in a situation where a woman would place more attention to evaluating my merits and faults than she would on picking a white gown? A new human being has a genetic blueprint given to it from both parents with a lifespan expected to be an average of the parents lifespan plus years gained through an increase in medical advances. How many women would consider the potential well being of a future child more important than a dress that is worn for twelve hours?
One thing is certain, I do not want to be with a person who would gamble their own fertility for the purposes of twenty-four hours of rapacious self-aggrandizement. The only way I would be walking down the isle with a woman is if she was very pregnant with my child. Fertility starts to decline irreversibly around age 28 for a woman who has never had a child. If I follow the ancient Chinese formula that the woman I would marry would have to be the greater of half my age plus seven years, my prospective mate would be 29 or older. If my prospective mate has not proven her fertility with an existing child, a Bridezilla day is a selfish gamble of both our chances of parenthood.
Can I have my dream of a biological child fulfilled without crossing paths with the most rapacious monster of all, the Bridezilla? How many feminine form monsters are out there that would marry a fairy (gay man), a philanderer, a genetic train wreck, or someone completely unsuitable if that was their ticket to admission for ONE fairy tale day?
Can I become a father again without dehumanizing myself for a bloodstone? Why must a man display two months worth of his absolute life's energy on the ring finger of a woman? For the price of a ring, a potential human being could be raised to toddler-hood. Are women being trained from childhood to evaluate their own self worth as a function of how many African villages are burned to the ground and how many little girls are mutilated for their left hand finger that is next to the pinky? I despise diamonds deeply for what they represent, human pain and suffering. Nobody can see the laser drawn Polar Bear and any demand for jewellery diamonds whatsoever ultimately drives the Blood Diamond machine. Why else would I think so highly of the Pink Panthers, the World's Foremost Gang of Jewel Thieves from the Serbian city of Nis? I would like to see a world where it is a badge of shame to be adorned with a diamond.
Can I become a father again in a situation where a woman would place more attention to evaluating my merits and faults than she would on picking a white gown? A new human being has a genetic blueprint given to it from both parents with a lifespan expected to be an average of the parents lifespan plus years gained through an increase in medical advances. How many women would consider the potential well being of a future child more important than a dress that is worn for twelve hours?
One thing is certain, I do not want to be with a person who would gamble their own fertility for the purposes of twenty-four hours of rapacious self-aggrandizement. The only way I would be walking down the isle with a woman is if she was very pregnant with my child. Fertility starts to decline irreversibly around age 28 for a woman who has never had a child. If I follow the ancient Chinese formula that the woman I would marry would have to be the greater of half my age plus seven years, my prospective mate would be 29 or older. If my prospective mate has not proven her fertility with an existing child, a Bridezilla day is a selfish gamble of both our chances of parenthood.
Can I have my dream of a biological child fulfilled without crossing paths with the most rapacious monster of all, the Bridezilla? How many feminine form monsters are out there that would marry a fairy (gay man), a philanderer, a genetic train wreck, or someone completely unsuitable if that was their ticket to admission for ONE fairy tale day?
Friday, May 14, 2010
The Sexiest Woman Alive Is Lady Valerie Jane Morris Goodall
I have had a crush on her since I was a child. While my friends were drooling over the late Farrah Fawcett, I was getting my first sparks of randiness watching Doctor Jane in her khaki shorts marching about in the Gombi Chimpanzee preserve.
Can any woman come close to Professor Jane in sexiness? Not in my eyes. Where else on this planet can one find the combination of beauty, brains and most importantly a fundamental understanding of our nature embodied in a single human being.
When I discuss the subjective question of who is the sexiest woman alive with my bad boy friends, I present them with a question. ""Can you imagine anything sexier that to be able to see the world reflected off of the surface of Lady Valerie Jane Morris Goodall's eyes?"" They are stunned for a second and then they imagine what would it be like to see anything up close reflected off of Lady Jane's eyes. So far none of my bad boy friends have been able to come up with any more magical moment that a man could experience. Lady Jane's eyes, and the Council of Silverbacks is unanimous. She is the sexiest woman alive.
If you are a woman hoping to find Mr. Right, be thankful that a seventy-six year-old Professor from Cambridge University is not competing with you. My advice is watch her movies, read her books and learn. The secret to capturing a mans heart and imagination is on the surface of your eyes.
Can any woman come close to Professor Jane in sexiness? Not in my eyes. Where else on this planet can one find the combination of beauty, brains and most importantly a fundamental understanding of our nature embodied in a single human being.
When I discuss the subjective question of who is the sexiest woman alive with my bad boy friends, I present them with a question. ""Can you imagine anything sexier that to be able to see the world reflected off of the surface of Lady Valerie Jane Morris Goodall's eyes?"" They are stunned for a second and then they imagine what would it be like to see anything up close reflected off of Lady Jane's eyes. So far none of my bad boy friends have been able to come up with any more magical moment that a man could experience. Lady Jane's eyes, and the Council of Silverbacks is unanimous. She is the sexiest woman alive.
If you are a woman hoping to find Mr. Right, be thankful that a seventy-six year-old Professor from Cambridge University is not competing with you. My advice is watch her movies, read her books and learn. The secret to capturing a mans heart and imagination is on the surface of your eyes.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Life Without Champix (Chantix)- Confronting My Moment of Dread
I am a drug addict. My poison of choice is nicotine. My favorite soother is nicotine. I have been smoke free since January 10, 2010. My battle against the nicotine demon is the hardest battle I have waged in my entire life. Compared to quitting smoking, going from 260 pounds with a 43 inch waist to 162 pounds with a 30 inch waist was EASY.
Could I have stayed smoke free this long on willpower alone? The answer I do not know. I had help from a friend, Pfizer's smoking cessation drug Champix (Chantix in the United States). It is a little blue pill that one takes twice per day to block the nicotine receptor in the brain. The therapeutic rationale behind the drug is that if the nicotine receptor in the brain is blocked, the person quitting smoking will not have the urge to smoke. The drug works so well that one can shag a French person and not have the desire to smoke with them afterward.
The drug has its side effects:
1> Dry mouth and the pasties. Worse than those from smoking pot.
2> Nightmares. I had my share of vivid ones that usually involve my demise.
3> Suicidal behavior. Commercial airline pilots are specifically banned from taking Champix as there is a risk that a pilot might get in a bad mood and decide to take all the passengers along for the ride to death. Luckily for me I did not have suicidal thoughts.
4> Aggressive behavior. Champix makes me behave aggressively. If it was not for using pot while I am in Canada, and Ativan when I am traveling in Croatia, I am certain I would have knocked someones lights out by now. Most likely either the Zagreb cop that tried to rob me, or the jerk I saw throwing a pregnant female cat out the window in Zagreb shattering its pelvis. If it was not for Weyth Pharmaceuticals drug Ativan, I would most likely be doing calisthenics in a jail cell in Croatia right now.
I have been on Champix since the beginning of December. I have benefited greatly from being on the drug, as today is day 123 as a non-smoker. Eventually, I have to go off of Champix and allow my nicotine receptor in my brain to become unblocked. The thought of which terrifies me.
For the last 123 days I have been able to enjoy the company of smokers. Will I be able to hang out with my smoker friends again and remain smoke free?
During the last 123 days I have been able to travel in the Balkans. Will I be able to travel in the Balkans again and remain smoke free?
During the last 123 days I have been able to enjoy the company of fiendish European smokers. Will I be able to enjoy the company of fiendish European smokers again and remain smoke free?
My moment of dread is approaching. I will be facing my nicotine demon without the help of my Little Blue Friend.
Could I have stayed smoke free this long on willpower alone? The answer I do not know. I had help from a friend, Pfizer's smoking cessation drug Champix (Chantix in the United States). It is a little blue pill that one takes twice per day to block the nicotine receptor in the brain. The therapeutic rationale behind the drug is that if the nicotine receptor in the brain is blocked, the person quitting smoking will not have the urge to smoke. The drug works so well that one can shag a French person and not have the desire to smoke with them afterward.
The drug has its side effects:
1> Dry mouth and the pasties. Worse than those from smoking pot.
2> Nightmares. I had my share of vivid ones that usually involve my demise.
3> Suicidal behavior. Commercial airline pilots are specifically banned from taking Champix as there is a risk that a pilot might get in a bad mood and decide to take all the passengers along for the ride to death. Luckily for me I did not have suicidal thoughts.
4> Aggressive behavior. Champix makes me behave aggressively. If it was not for using pot while I am in Canada, and Ativan when I am traveling in Croatia, I am certain I would have knocked someones lights out by now. Most likely either the Zagreb cop that tried to rob me, or the jerk I saw throwing a pregnant female cat out the window in Zagreb shattering its pelvis. If it was not for Weyth Pharmaceuticals drug Ativan, I would most likely be doing calisthenics in a jail cell in Croatia right now.
I have been on Champix since the beginning of December. I have benefited greatly from being on the drug, as today is day 123 as a non-smoker. Eventually, I have to go off of Champix and allow my nicotine receptor in my brain to become unblocked. The thought of which terrifies me.
For the last 123 days I have been able to enjoy the company of smokers. Will I be able to hang out with my smoker friends again and remain smoke free?
During the last 123 days I have been able to travel in the Balkans. Will I be able to travel in the Balkans again and remain smoke free?
During the last 123 days I have been able to enjoy the company of fiendish European smokers. Will I be able to enjoy the company of fiendish European smokers again and remain smoke free?
My moment of dread is approaching. I will be facing my nicotine demon without the help of my Little Blue Friend.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Am I Reaching For The Stars?
I want a biological child. I have a twenty year old daughter that is mine by adoption, so I already have a child. My daughter who I raised since age 3, is a dress size 2, capable of doing a chin up, motivated, driven and self supporting. Compare her with her twenty year-old peers, and my daughter is probably the best evidence to any prospective mother that I can raise a child. Yet somehow for some reason I feel I am reaching for the stars.
Am I too demanding on my mate selection criteria? Is my threshold that a prospective mother has to cross too high?
1> Do a chin up from a full extension
2> Tell me why you can count to a number other than 5 on one hand
Am I reaching for the stars here?
The first criteria is a health criteria. Is the prospective person that wants to share their genetic blueprint with me, height and weight proportional? Can they conquer their own body mass once? Fat parents almost always lead to fat children. I am physically fit, if I had a physically fit mate chances are we would produce a child that is physically fit. I want a baby and I want my baby to have the best chance of a healthy physically fit life. Is this reaching for the stars?
The second criteria is simple. Is the prospective mother capable of formal mental operations? Can she convey an abstract thought? It is amazing how many individuals reach adulthood without the capacity to truly think. I want a woman who can have a conversation about an IDEA. A female honey bee can communicate about a place, thing, or another creature . What truly sets us humans apart is that we can communicate about ideas. If both parents are capable of communicating more advanced information than a honey bee, chances are the child that would result from the pairing could communicate better than a honey bee. Am I reaching for the stars here?
There is one thing I am absolutely certain I do not want. That is under no circumstances do I want to be saddled with a parasitic slacker. The West Coast of Canada is the priciest place to live in North America after New York City. The basic need for shelter here requires a hideous sacrifice that makes the indentured servitude of a serf to a Nobel seem like a Sunday walk in the park. There is no shortage of women in BC who would get pregnant in a heartbeat if they thought it might lead to not having to throw half their life away to pay for shelter. They would just readily throw my entire life away to pay for shelter.
Have I set the bar too high?
1> Someone who is not gorging themselves to death.
2> Someone that can think.
3> Someone willing to share in the responsibilities and sacrifice required to bring another human being into the world.
Or am I just being silly and reaching for the stars?
Am I too demanding on my mate selection criteria? Is my threshold that a prospective mother has to cross too high?
1> Do a chin up from a full extension
2> Tell me why you can count to a number other than 5 on one hand
Am I reaching for the stars here?
The first criteria is a health criteria. Is the prospective person that wants to share their genetic blueprint with me, height and weight proportional? Can they conquer their own body mass once? Fat parents almost always lead to fat children. I am physically fit, if I had a physically fit mate chances are we would produce a child that is physically fit. I want a baby and I want my baby to have the best chance of a healthy physically fit life. Is this reaching for the stars?
The second criteria is simple. Is the prospective mother capable of formal mental operations? Can she convey an abstract thought? It is amazing how many individuals reach adulthood without the capacity to truly think. I want a woman who can have a conversation about an IDEA. A female honey bee can communicate about a place, thing, or another creature . What truly sets us humans apart is that we can communicate about ideas. If both parents are capable of communicating more advanced information than a honey bee, chances are the child that would result from the pairing could communicate better than a honey bee. Am I reaching for the stars here?
There is one thing I am absolutely certain I do not want. That is under no circumstances do I want to be saddled with a parasitic slacker. The West Coast of Canada is the priciest place to live in North America after New York City. The basic need for shelter here requires a hideous sacrifice that makes the indentured servitude of a serf to a Nobel seem like a Sunday walk in the park. There is no shortage of women in BC who would get pregnant in a heartbeat if they thought it might lead to not having to throw half their life away to pay for shelter. They would just readily throw my entire life away to pay for shelter.
Have I set the bar too high?
1> Someone who is not gorging themselves to death.
2> Someone that can think.
3> Someone willing to share in the responsibilities and sacrifice required to bring another human being into the world.
Or am I just being silly and reaching for the stars?
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Homo Erotic Fantasies - We All Have Them, Mine Got Me to Yaletown.
Homo erotic fantasies, we all have them to some degree. Some of them are quite soft and some of them are very dirty. If you are offended by me suggesting that you have a homo erotic fantasy, I have a friend who is a hypnotherapist who specializes in cases such as yourself, and she helps you acquire the courage to come out. There is no absolute black or white, but varying shades of Gray. I am a heterosexual male that if given the choice of looking at the naked bodies of two 45 year old people, the first one the Average 45 Year Old North American Woman, the second on a 45 year old man with A Body Like Shreddy's. I would much rather look at the naked body of the 45 year old man with A Body Like Shreddy's. Personally I am of the opinion most straight and openly gay men would rather look at the 45 year old naked man with the Body Like Shreddy's.
Here are my two homo erotic fantasies. A soft one and a dirty one.
The Soft One:
Get into a pair of short shorts. Put on my beaked opera mask. Put on a pair of cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, a cowboy belt with fake pistols. Slather the body with olive oil. Pose to some hard gay bar remixes while dancing as a Straight Ambassador From The Planet Physique on a Pride Float to a throng that appreciate the human aesthetic.
The Dirty One:
Crash a major Bridezilla's Fairy Tale Wedding. Give the Bridezilla's Prince Charming, provided he is 15 to 22 years younger than I am with a body comparable to mine a dirty seductive sneer in the receiving line. Bump into the groom in the washroom later during the reception George Michael style. Get to second base with him, all the while unbeknown to him it is being filmed by my cell phone. Send the video to the Bridezilla's cell-phone after breakfast the next morning.
Do I think having a homo erotic fantasy will act as a gateway and lead me down the path of queerdom? No, I am very comfortable being a straight heterosexual male and I have no curiosity or desire to have sex with a man.
Do I think having a homo erotic fantasy is healthy? Yes, I think it is very healthy. My soft homo erotic fantasy gives me a very lofty goal, get into good enough aesthetic physical condition to have a Pride Float Body. To achieve a lofty goal requires discipline and stoicism. Many a time the vision that helped me crash through pain barriers while training was that of one day wearing my beaked opera mask.
This weekend Shreddy the straight man who is comfortable with having a pair of homo erotic fantasies gets to hop off the rock. It is time to take the soon to be 45 year old body to the fiercest body flaunting ground in Canada, Yaletown, one of the last bastions of fabulous bodies holding out against the tidal wave of obesity. Yaletown, queer or straight the ultimate Darwinist proving ground, a place where only the prettiest survive. Yaletown, the only neighbourhood in Canada where a Tim Hortons could possibly go out of business. The land of religious fad dieters, gay Pilates instructors and cocaine fiends. A place where only French women or people who look like wealthy gangsters can smoke in public. Time to see what kind of trouble wearing Finland's flag on my toenails can get me into. Thank you Soft Homo Erotic Fantasy, without you I would never be fit enough for Yaletown.
Here are my two homo erotic fantasies. A soft one and a dirty one.
The Soft One:
Get into a pair of short shorts. Put on my beaked opera mask. Put on a pair of cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, a cowboy belt with fake pistols. Slather the body with olive oil. Pose to some hard gay bar remixes while dancing as a Straight Ambassador From The Planet Physique on a Pride Float to a throng that appreciate the human aesthetic.
The Dirty One:
Crash a major Bridezilla's Fairy Tale Wedding. Give the Bridezilla's Prince Charming, provided he is 15 to 22 years younger than I am with a body comparable to mine a dirty seductive sneer in the receiving line. Bump into the groom in the washroom later during the reception George Michael style. Get to second base with him, all the while unbeknown to him it is being filmed by my cell phone. Send the video to the Bridezilla's cell-phone after breakfast the next morning.
Do I think having a homo erotic fantasy will act as a gateway and lead me down the path of queerdom? No, I am very comfortable being a straight heterosexual male and I have no curiosity or desire to have sex with a man.
Do I think having a homo erotic fantasy is healthy? Yes, I think it is very healthy. My soft homo erotic fantasy gives me a very lofty goal, get into good enough aesthetic physical condition to have a Pride Float Body. To achieve a lofty goal requires discipline and stoicism. Many a time the vision that helped me crash through pain barriers while training was that of one day wearing my beaked opera mask.
This weekend Shreddy the straight man who is comfortable with having a pair of homo erotic fantasies gets to hop off the rock. It is time to take the soon to be 45 year old body to the fiercest body flaunting ground in Canada, Yaletown, one of the last bastions of fabulous bodies holding out against the tidal wave of obesity. Yaletown, queer or straight the ultimate Darwinist proving ground, a place where only the prettiest survive. Yaletown, the only neighbourhood in Canada where a Tim Hortons could possibly go out of business. The land of religious fad dieters, gay Pilates instructors and cocaine fiends. A place where only French women or people who look like wealthy gangsters can smoke in public. Time to see what kind of trouble wearing Finland's flag on my toenails can get me into. Thank you Soft Homo Erotic Fantasy, without you I would never be fit enough for Yaletown.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Maybe it is Time to Legalize Cocaine?
Peoples waistlines are exploding and obese is the New Normal. I spent most of my adult life as an obese man. Based upon the BMI index I was Very Obese, body fat over 40%. With a maximum girth of north of 260 pounds I looked absolutely hideous. Six years ago I stood out at 5'11" 260 pounds. What is so frightening is that in the span from 2004 to 2010, a 5'11" 260 pound men went from being quite uncommon to very common.
Is it that now that I am what my Physician tells me is a Healthy Weight, as opposed to a Normal Weight, that all Normal Weight people are starting to look the same?
I have been to Europe several times recently and what stood out the most is that people in Europe are not anywhere near as fat as North Americans. They smoke like fiends and they walk more. Is it time to start handing out packs of cigarettes in Elementary Schools? Which is a greater evil, a child turning out to be a fabulous looking smoker that is killed by lung cancer at age 50, or the child turning out to be a hideous looking fatty that is killed by the complications of their own girth at age 50?
I spent 3 years working out of California back when I was a fatty, and I noticed that Californians with the exception of Hispanic Californians do not look like the average North American. They look better than the Europeans and they don't smoke like fiends, and living in the concrete jungle that is chopped up by expressways they hardly walk at all. What is the California secret? Plastic surgery, cult like fad dieting and copious amounts of cocaine.
Why not just legalize cocaine as a means of preventing the obesity tidal wave from bringing humanity to a far darker future. If cocaine was legal, poor undeveloped regions of South America would have a lucrative cash crop. If cocaine was legal, the criminal element would be out of the cocaine business, and they would have lost one of their biggest cash cows. If cocaine was legal, Healthy Weight might just become the New Normal again.
There are other upsides to legalizing cocaine.
Governments can tax it.
Governments can use cocaine like they use tobacco, as cheap effective population control.
No second hand smoke issues so the anti smoking Nazis stay quiet.
Which brings me back to preventing a far darker future for humanity. Are we to become the first species to consciously gorge themselves to extinction? Will we have euthanasia committees to humanely put down the most self-enfeebled individuals? One thing is for certain, a dark future awaits humanity unless we can find ways to mitigate our success at figuring out how to feed ourselves.
Is it that now that I am what my Physician tells me is a Healthy Weight, as opposed to a Normal Weight, that all Normal Weight people are starting to look the same?
I have been to Europe several times recently and what stood out the most is that people in Europe are not anywhere near as fat as North Americans. They smoke like fiends and they walk more. Is it time to start handing out packs of cigarettes in Elementary Schools? Which is a greater evil, a child turning out to be a fabulous looking smoker that is killed by lung cancer at age 50, or the child turning out to be a hideous looking fatty that is killed by the complications of their own girth at age 50?
I spent 3 years working out of California back when I was a fatty, and I noticed that Californians with the exception of Hispanic Californians do not look like the average North American. They look better than the Europeans and they don't smoke like fiends, and living in the concrete jungle that is chopped up by expressways they hardly walk at all. What is the California secret? Plastic surgery, cult like fad dieting and copious amounts of cocaine.
Why not just legalize cocaine as a means of preventing the obesity tidal wave from bringing humanity to a far darker future. If cocaine was legal, poor undeveloped regions of South America would have a lucrative cash crop. If cocaine was legal, the criminal element would be out of the cocaine business, and they would have lost one of their biggest cash cows. If cocaine was legal, Healthy Weight might just become the New Normal again.
There are other upsides to legalizing cocaine.
Governments can tax it.
Governments can use cocaine like they use tobacco, as cheap effective population control.
No second hand smoke issues so the anti smoking Nazis stay quiet.
Which brings me back to preventing a far darker future for humanity. Are we to become the first species to consciously gorge themselves to extinction? Will we have euthanasia committees to humanely put down the most self-enfeebled individuals? One thing is for certain, a dark future awaits humanity unless we can find ways to mitigate our success at figuring out how to feed ourselves.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
A New Drug?
Pull ups set my spirit free. Pull ups and compound exercises derived from them have:
1> Given me a rapidly evolving body form.
2> Given me a new source of power; belief in myself and the intention to change myself.
3> Straightened my posture
4> Improved my balance and stance. People ask me if I am a ballet dancer or a martial artist? I enjoy the sheer look of disbelief when I tell them I am an accountant.
5> Given me a reason to wake up in the morning. I have an objective yardstick where I can measure my maximum performance, and if I remain focused constantly improve. One and a half years ago I had this silly idea that I was going to physically peak around my 45th birthday, plateau and then start the gradual descent to ones final union with the force of gravity. Now I believe that my physical peak is something that will be reached in the far distant future.
I am addicted to doing pull ups. Which leads me to ask myself at what point do I cross the line, and a virtue, being driven and disciplined, becomes a vice. Can pull ups become a vice? Since I have started doing pull ups I have:
a> Cut work early so I could go home and do pull ups.
b> Caught myself day dreaming, when I should have been working, about doing pull ups.
c> Started going to bed early so as to heal myself better so I could do more pull ups.
d> Allowed my social life to fall to tatters for the sake of more pull ups.
If a vice is defined as harmful escapism then pull ups are definitely not a vice. They are however an obsession that has provided somewhat of an obstacle in life. So I have decided to feed my obsession and find more ways to make life not get in the way of pull ups.
1> I have invested in scanning technology so I can store information that used to be kept on paper digitally, freeing space that would have been taken up by rows of filing cabinets.
2> I have leased a larger office space so I can install the mother of all pull up bars in my office over the space that would have in the past been used for storing paper. If the urge to do a set of pull ups strikes me at work, I will simply do a set of pull ups at work, then return immediately to working.
3> I carry rope in my satchel. If I am out and about and I see anything that overhangs within reach of half of my rope length that can safely bear my weight without damage, I can do a pull up.
Somehow I know my obsession with pull ups is taking me somewhere. Where it is I do not know, but somehow it feels so natural that at its worst I can only conceptualize a benign outcome. At it's best, I will be able to successfully monetize it and use it to feed my taste for adventure. I know for certain that if disease or accident do not claim my life early, my pull up obsession will most likely be the factor that allows me to live past 100 rather than have 20 years of life robbed from me due to a debilitating fall. When my moment of truth arrives in the not to distant future, I intend to have the ability and desire to reach and grasp something.
If human life is the struggle against ones inevitable union with the force of gravity, pull ups have made me more alive than ever and for the time being I am winning. Time for another set of pull ups. Time to live today more alive than I was yesterday.
1> Given me a rapidly evolving body form.
2> Given me a new source of power; belief in myself and the intention to change myself.
3> Straightened my posture
4> Improved my balance and stance. People ask me if I am a ballet dancer or a martial artist? I enjoy the sheer look of disbelief when I tell them I am an accountant.
5> Given me a reason to wake up in the morning. I have an objective yardstick where I can measure my maximum performance, and if I remain focused constantly improve. One and a half years ago I had this silly idea that I was going to physically peak around my 45th birthday, plateau and then start the gradual descent to ones final union with the force of gravity. Now I believe that my physical peak is something that will be reached in the far distant future.
I am addicted to doing pull ups. Which leads me to ask myself at what point do I cross the line, and a virtue, being driven and disciplined, becomes a vice. Can pull ups become a vice? Since I have started doing pull ups I have:
a> Cut work early so I could go home and do pull ups.
b> Caught myself day dreaming, when I should have been working, about doing pull ups.
c> Started going to bed early so as to heal myself better so I could do more pull ups.
d> Allowed my social life to fall to tatters for the sake of more pull ups.
If a vice is defined as harmful escapism then pull ups are definitely not a vice. They are however an obsession that has provided somewhat of an obstacle in life. So I have decided to feed my obsession and find more ways to make life not get in the way of pull ups.
1> I have invested in scanning technology so I can store information that used to be kept on paper digitally, freeing space that would have been taken up by rows of filing cabinets.
2> I have leased a larger office space so I can install the mother of all pull up bars in my office over the space that would have in the past been used for storing paper. If the urge to do a set of pull ups strikes me at work, I will simply do a set of pull ups at work, then return immediately to working.
3> I carry rope in my satchel. If I am out and about and I see anything that overhangs within reach of half of my rope length that can safely bear my weight without damage, I can do a pull up.
Somehow I know my obsession with pull ups is taking me somewhere. Where it is I do not know, but somehow it feels so natural that at its worst I can only conceptualize a benign outcome. At it's best, I will be able to successfully monetize it and use it to feed my taste for adventure. I know for certain that if disease or accident do not claim my life early, my pull up obsession will most likely be the factor that allows me to live past 100 rather than have 20 years of life robbed from me due to a debilitating fall. When my moment of truth arrives in the not to distant future, I intend to have the ability and desire to reach and grasp something.
If human life is the struggle against ones inevitable union with the force of gravity, pull ups have made me more alive than ever and for the time being I am winning. Time for another set of pull ups. Time to live today more alive than I was yesterday.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Women Like Helping the Resourceful Rogues
I knew that somehow Saturday May 1, 2010 was going to be a fateful day.
Those of you that have been following my blog know of the Organic Black Forrest Ham Beauty. She is a composite that was created based upon a real human being that I saw during my observations of people engaged in gathering behaviour in the supermarket. She is one of the five most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life and she stood out for two reasons. She was uncharacteristically healthy for someone that shops in the supermarket that I was shopping in, and I was certain that she was performing a mating display with her left hand stroking cryo packed Organic Black Forrest Ham. For my own selfish reasons I did not make any move, try to strike a conversation, or anything other than observe her hand stroking the cold cuts for subtle clues in human behaviour.
I spent six months kicking myself in the head for being too timid to do anything but study her behaviour for those twenty seconds. She provided the inspiration for several fun short works of fiction. My favourite being Lady Jane Morris Goodall deliberately inflicting pain on Shreddy for cowardice while grooming Shreddy's Back.
As fate has it I ran into her again. This time I was not too timid to speak. Found out she indulges in B.C.'s finest just like I do. We smoked a cannon and I told her what I was up to. She giggled and to help me with my quest, she gave me the Four Most Effective Seduction Words in the Queen's English.
Now to get this short undergarment removing sentence translated and perfected in several European languages that I do not know.
I learned something about human behaviour. Everybody is secretly cheering for the Rogue:)
By next weekend my goal is to have the Four Most Effective Seduction Words in the Queen's English translated and perfected in three additional languages, Russian, Swedish and French as Shreddy will be hoping off the rock and hunting in the expensive tourist neighbourhoods of Vancouver.
Thank you Organic Black Forrest Ham Beauty.
Those of you that have been following my blog know of the Organic Black Forrest Ham Beauty. She is a composite that was created based upon a real human being that I saw during my observations of people engaged in gathering behaviour in the supermarket. She is one of the five most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life and she stood out for two reasons. She was uncharacteristically healthy for someone that shops in the supermarket that I was shopping in, and I was certain that she was performing a mating display with her left hand stroking cryo packed Organic Black Forrest Ham. For my own selfish reasons I did not make any move, try to strike a conversation, or anything other than observe her hand stroking the cold cuts for subtle clues in human behaviour.
I spent six months kicking myself in the head for being too timid to do anything but study her behaviour for those twenty seconds. She provided the inspiration for several fun short works of fiction. My favourite being Lady Jane Morris Goodall deliberately inflicting pain on Shreddy for cowardice while grooming Shreddy's Back.
As fate has it I ran into her again. This time I was not too timid to speak. Found out she indulges in B.C.'s finest just like I do. We smoked a cannon and I told her what I was up to. She giggled and to help me with my quest, she gave me the Four Most Effective Seduction Words in the Queen's English.
Now to get this short undergarment removing sentence translated and perfected in several European languages that I do not know.
I learned something about human behaviour. Everybody is secretly cheering for the Rogue:)
By next weekend my goal is to have the Four Most Effective Seduction Words in the Queen's English translated and perfected in three additional languages, Russian, Swedish and French as Shreddy will be hoping off the rock and hunting in the expensive tourist neighbourhoods of Vancouver.
Thank you Organic Black Forrest Ham Beauty.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Kicking it Up a Notch - The Chimpee Pull Up & The Union Jack - Searching For The Holy Grail
There are two exercises that I have been using in my training regimen. No more that one hour per week of exercise with the only exceptions being, two hours a week of training before an adventure where the plan is to do something really stupid where I can get myself killed.
I have never seen anybody else doing these exercises, as I do not go to gyms other than indoor climbing gyms. I am a solitary athlete without a sport that trains alone. I have named these two exercises the Chimpee Pull Up, and the Union Jack. Both of these exercises require a grip bar which is a proper pull up bar attached to a significant structural support such as the beam that supports the floor joists, covered with oleo rosin grip tape. IF YOU TRY THESE TWO EXERCISES USING ONE OF THOSE PULL UP BARS THAT MOUNTS IN YOUR DOORWAY, ONE OF TWO THINGS WILL HAPPEN. IF YOU ARE LUCKY YOU WILL GET KILLED. IF YOU ARE UNLUCKY YOU WILL GET MAIMED AND BURDEN YOUR LOVED ONES. UNLESS YOUR BAR CAN SUPPORT TRIPLE YOUR BODY WEIGHT DO NOT TRY THIS.
1> THE CHIMPEE PULL UP
a> Hanging from the grip bar in a full arm extension hang, palms facing outwards, bring both your legs straight forward with no bend in the knee with your toes pointing forward into a ballet point. Sideways you look like a 90 degree angle.
b> Bring your feet up while maintaining the full ballet point with knees straight until the angle of your body when seen sideways is less than 45 degrees. I try to have the angle between my arms and legs less than 30 degrees.
c> Start the upwards pull up with your arms while simultaneously lowering your legs until your body is in a 90 degree angle when you reach your pull up position (chin easiest, clavicle harder, sternum hardest).
d> Start your slow descent while simultaneously swinging your legs in a controlled manner while maintaining the ballet point under your body and as far behind you as humanly possible so that you are in the Yoga Cobra position at the bottom of your descent stroke, with your toes pointing as far behind you as possible.
e> Start your up stroke keeping your feet in a point and knees straight bringing your legs into a straight leg tuck by the half way up point, and the pike position (90 degree angle outwards toes pointing straight at the top of the pull up bar.
f> When dismounting the bar do so gracefully and land on the full ballet point.
I do this form of pull ups in sets of five rather than attempting a maximum set to failure. I do this for safety first and secondly, since I am not going to failure I am able to do many sets. A set takes approximately 30 seconds. I usually like to do a set when there is a boring commercial on television. Best music for this exercise is the Beastie Boys. The aim is to do these Chimpee Pull Ups as slow as possible. If you can do a set of 5 in 15 seconds, try doing a set of 5 in 30 seconds.
2 THE UNION JACK
This is a full body compound workout exercise that I am certain that if I can absolutely perfect it, I will have accomplished the Holy Grail of Fitness Exercises. The 60 second workout. The aim of this exercise is to perform it as slowly as possible with maximum control. Below is a picture of the Union Jack which is comprised of Saint George's Cross for England and Saint Andrew's Cross for Scotland.
a> Turn on the music. The band has to be from the United Kingdom. This exercise is excruciating and the only way to succeed is to have a serious case of attitude before you start. God is an Englishman. I find the Oasis song "Shock of the Lightning" works best for me.
b> Grab the grip bar in either the palms facing out (harder) or palms facing in (easier) position.
c> Pull yourself up to the grip bar to your sternum position with your legs out at a 90 degree angle together with your feet together in a full ballet point. This will be your CONTROL position where you will be required to achieve a momentary stillness prior to any directional change.
d> While maintaining the sternum pull up position start a directional full body twist with your legs being together and your feet maintaining the full ballet point until your body straightens out directionally as far as possible from the midpoint of your hand grip making the bottom left corner of Saint Andrew's Cross.
e> While maintaining the sternum pull up position start a directional full body twist with your legs being together and your feet maintaining the full ballet point until your body straightens out directionally as far as possible from the midpoint of your hand grip making the top right corner of Saint Andrew's Cross. Ideally your toes both touch the ceiling as far away from your head as possible. Start a directional torso twist back down to the 90 degree pike CONTROL position.
f> Repeat steps d & e with the exception that you go down to the bottom right corner and then up to the ceiling in the top left corner with your toes, returning to CONTROL position. At this point you had just completed the Saint Andrew's Cross component.
g> Keeping your feet together and maintaining the sternum pull up, turn your torso so that your feet are pointing to your far left IN LINE with your pull up bar. Then maintaining the feet together turn your torso so that your feet are pointing to your far right in line with your pull up bar. Return to your CONTROL position as you had just completed the horizontal bar of Saint George's Cross. If you are completely psycho from the pain of doing Saint Andrew's Cross, you can increase the difficulty of the horizontal bar of the Union Jack greatly by placing a further 90 degree directional twist in your core and legs.
h> While maintaining the sternum pull up go into the Yoga Cobra position as far back as you humanly can with legs straight and together with feet in the ballet point.
i> While lowering your pull up to the chin position, bring both legs up straight with feet in the ballet point until your toes touch the ceiling.
j> Raise your pull up to the clavicle position and bring your feet out to the CONTROL position.
k> Lower your feet with the legs kept straight and feet in the ballet point until your toes point to the ground. Lower yourself gently from the bar landing on the ballet point.
Good luck with these two exercises. I have a vision that these two exercises done correctly in unison can produce the Holy Grail for male bodies. Patrick Swayze's shoulders, pectorals and arms from the movie "Roadhouse", and Brad Pitt's core from the movie "Fight Club". Why go for a body from the Movie 300, when you can realistically aim higher.
Isn't the art of Fabulization fun.
Saint Andrew's Cross
Saint George's Cross
I have never seen anybody else doing these exercises, as I do not go to gyms other than indoor climbing gyms. I am a solitary athlete without a sport that trains alone. I have named these two exercises the Chimpee Pull Up, and the Union Jack. Both of these exercises require a grip bar which is a proper pull up bar attached to a significant structural support such as the beam that supports the floor joists, covered with oleo rosin grip tape. IF YOU TRY THESE TWO EXERCISES USING ONE OF THOSE PULL UP BARS THAT MOUNTS IN YOUR DOORWAY, ONE OF TWO THINGS WILL HAPPEN. IF YOU ARE LUCKY YOU WILL GET KILLED. IF YOU ARE UNLUCKY YOU WILL GET MAIMED AND BURDEN YOUR LOVED ONES. UNLESS YOUR BAR CAN SUPPORT TRIPLE YOUR BODY WEIGHT DO NOT TRY THIS.
1> THE CHIMPEE PULL UP
a> Hanging from the grip bar in a full arm extension hang, palms facing outwards, bring both your legs straight forward with no bend in the knee with your toes pointing forward into a ballet point. Sideways you look like a 90 degree angle.
b> Bring your feet up while maintaining the full ballet point with knees straight until the angle of your body when seen sideways is less than 45 degrees. I try to have the angle between my arms and legs less than 30 degrees.
c> Start the upwards pull up with your arms while simultaneously lowering your legs until your body is in a 90 degree angle when you reach your pull up position (chin easiest, clavicle harder, sternum hardest).
d> Start your slow descent while simultaneously swinging your legs in a controlled manner while maintaining the ballet point under your body and as far behind you as humanly possible so that you are in the Yoga Cobra position at the bottom of your descent stroke, with your toes pointing as far behind you as possible.
e> Start your up stroke keeping your feet in a point and knees straight bringing your legs into a straight leg tuck by the half way up point, and the pike position (90 degree angle outwards toes pointing straight at the top of the pull up bar.
f> When dismounting the bar do so gracefully and land on the full ballet point.
I do this form of pull ups in sets of five rather than attempting a maximum set to failure. I do this for safety first and secondly, since I am not going to failure I am able to do many sets. A set takes approximately 30 seconds. I usually like to do a set when there is a boring commercial on television. Best music for this exercise is the Beastie Boys. The aim is to do these Chimpee Pull Ups as slow as possible. If you can do a set of 5 in 15 seconds, try doing a set of 5 in 30 seconds.
2 THE UNION JACK
This is a full body compound workout exercise that I am certain that if I can absolutely perfect it, I will have accomplished the Holy Grail of Fitness Exercises. The 60 second workout. The aim of this exercise is to perform it as slowly as possible with maximum control. Below is a picture of the Union Jack which is comprised of Saint George's Cross for England and Saint Andrew's Cross for Scotland.
a> Turn on the music. The band has to be from the United Kingdom. This exercise is excruciating and the only way to succeed is to have a serious case of attitude before you start. God is an Englishman. I find the Oasis song "Shock of the Lightning" works best for me.
b> Grab the grip bar in either the palms facing out (harder) or palms facing in (easier) position.
c> Pull yourself up to the grip bar to your sternum position with your legs out at a 90 degree angle together with your feet together in a full ballet point. This will be your CONTROL position where you will be required to achieve a momentary stillness prior to any directional change.
d> While maintaining the sternum pull up position start a directional full body twist with your legs being together and your feet maintaining the full ballet point until your body straightens out directionally as far as possible from the midpoint of your hand grip making the bottom left corner of Saint Andrew's Cross.
e> While maintaining the sternum pull up position start a directional full body twist with your legs being together and your feet maintaining the full ballet point until your body straightens out directionally as far as possible from the midpoint of your hand grip making the top right corner of Saint Andrew's Cross. Ideally your toes both touch the ceiling as far away from your head as possible. Start a directional torso twist back down to the 90 degree pike CONTROL position.
f> Repeat steps d & e with the exception that you go down to the bottom right corner and then up to the ceiling in the top left corner with your toes, returning to CONTROL position. At this point you had just completed the Saint Andrew's Cross component.
g> Keeping your feet together and maintaining the sternum pull up, turn your torso so that your feet are pointing to your far left IN LINE with your pull up bar. Then maintaining the feet together turn your torso so that your feet are pointing to your far right in line with your pull up bar. Return to your CONTROL position as you had just completed the horizontal bar of Saint George's Cross. If you are completely psycho from the pain of doing Saint Andrew's Cross, you can increase the difficulty of the horizontal bar of the Union Jack greatly by placing a further 90 degree directional twist in your core and legs.
h> While maintaining the sternum pull up go into the Yoga Cobra position as far back as you humanly can with legs straight and together with feet in the ballet point.
i> While lowering your pull up to the chin position, bring both legs up straight with feet in the ballet point until your toes touch the ceiling.
j> Raise your pull up to the clavicle position and bring your feet out to the CONTROL position.
k> Lower your feet with the legs kept straight and feet in the ballet point until your toes point to the ground. Lower yourself gently from the bar landing on the ballet point.
Good luck with these two exercises. I have a vision that these two exercises done correctly in unison can produce the Holy Grail for male bodies. Patrick Swayze's shoulders, pectorals and arms from the movie "Roadhouse", and Brad Pitt's core from the movie "Fight Club". Why go for a body from the Movie 300, when you can realistically aim higher.
Isn't the art of Fabulization fun.
Saint Andrew's Cross
Saint George's Cross
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Day One of the Deadly Dear to The Fittest Few Oakley Wearers
The Deadly Dare is simple.
If you are unattached, a member of the; Fearless Few; Fittest Few: Most Fabulous Few; Filthy Few (baddest of the bad boys & girls), etc, paint smiley faces on your big toenails, paint the simplified flag of national origin of the Best Shag of Your Life on the rest of your toenails.
Have the courage to tell anyone over the age of 21, who is a member of the opposite sex that asks, why your toenails are painted with a flag that is not your own, the scope and nature of your dare.
Carry condoms and nail polish at all times while wearing Oakleys and flip flops and if the member of the opposite sex that asks is single, over the age of 21, meets your standards for appearance and hygiene? Offer them your body and the opportunity to earn the right to paint over.
To those that accuse me of elitism, my counter is that the dare is not based on an elitist principal but on an authoritative principal. We are all primates and in the human world as in the animal world, the fittest specimens have the best shagging opportunities. What use is it to anybody knowing the ethnic origin of the Best Shag of Their Life of someone who has only shagged five people. Whereas if a woman has a body like the actress Linda Hamilton, or a man has a body like Brad Pitt /Patrick Swayze, it is of great use to an individual to know what the prize specimens who have had many shagging opportunities consider the origins of The Best Shag of Their Life.
I am lest than 12 hours into my open dare and I have already learned somethings.
1> The majority of my male friends think that I will get slapped across the face before I get laid. The majority of my female friends think I will get laid several times before I get slapped across the face.
2> If you let the person who earned the privilege of marking a member of the fittest 1% of societies bodies with their tribal colours know what you are up to, be prepared to see that individual maul you to within a whisker of being shagged to death, as primates are very territorial.
3> Taking part in this open dare turns an individual into a cocky prick. Women do not like men who are pussies so they have to settle usually for an asshole. Deep down I suspect most wished that they had a cocky prick. If you are a woman try this dare. There is no use crying alone at home with a silicone device that is powered by batteries. Take your body out of your bedroom and away from your equally lonely girlfriends and GO HAVE FUN. Look for the men with bodies like the Late Patrick Swayze's or Brad Pitt's with national colours that are not in the World Cup of Football (Soccer to North Americans), wearing Oakleys. As these bad boys are available for one go.
Now Shreddy has to go to the nail salon. Finland has painted over Shreddy's toenails, and it is time to drop some money to have the Flag of Finland professionally done on Shreddy's toenails. Women look at shoes, and I suspect that seeing the flag of Finland professionally painted on the toes of a man with my body will make most Russian and Swedish women go completely ballistic. The best shags, other than being with the Finn or a member of a tribe I will not name yet, have been angry shags.
As I said, my dare is an excellent opportunity to get yourself killed in the name of science.
If you are the real deal, SHREDDY DARES YOU.
If you are unattached, a member of the; Fearless Few; Fittest Few: Most Fabulous Few; Filthy Few (baddest of the bad boys & girls), etc, paint smiley faces on your big toenails, paint the simplified flag of national origin of the Best Shag of Your Life on the rest of your toenails.
Have the courage to tell anyone over the age of 21, who is a member of the opposite sex that asks, why your toenails are painted with a flag that is not your own, the scope and nature of your dare.
Carry condoms and nail polish at all times while wearing Oakleys and flip flops and if the member of the opposite sex that asks is single, over the age of 21, meets your standards for appearance and hygiene? Offer them your body and the opportunity to earn the right to paint over.
To those that accuse me of elitism, my counter is that the dare is not based on an elitist principal but on an authoritative principal. We are all primates and in the human world as in the animal world, the fittest specimens have the best shagging opportunities. What use is it to anybody knowing the ethnic origin of the Best Shag of Their Life of someone who has only shagged five people. Whereas if a woman has a body like the actress Linda Hamilton, or a man has a body like Brad Pitt /Patrick Swayze, it is of great use to an individual to know what the prize specimens who have had many shagging opportunities consider the origins of The Best Shag of Their Life.
I am lest than 12 hours into my open dare and I have already learned somethings.
1> The majority of my male friends think that I will get slapped across the face before I get laid. The majority of my female friends think I will get laid several times before I get slapped across the face.
2> If you let the person who earned the privilege of marking a member of the fittest 1% of societies bodies with their tribal colours know what you are up to, be prepared to see that individual maul you to within a whisker of being shagged to death, as primates are very territorial.
3> Taking part in this open dare turns an individual into a cocky prick. Women do not like men who are pussies so they have to settle usually for an asshole. Deep down I suspect most wished that they had a cocky prick. If you are a woman try this dare. There is no use crying alone at home with a silicone device that is powered by batteries. Take your body out of your bedroom and away from your equally lonely girlfriends and GO HAVE FUN. Look for the men with bodies like the Late Patrick Swayze's or Brad Pitt's with national colours that are not in the World Cup of Football (Soccer to North Americans), wearing Oakleys. As these bad boys are available for one go.
Now Shreddy has to go to the nail salon. Finland has painted over Shreddy's toenails, and it is time to drop some money to have the Flag of Finland professionally done on Shreddy's toenails. Women look at shoes, and I suspect that seeing the flag of Finland professionally painted on the toes of a man with my body will make most Russian and Swedish women go completely ballistic. The best shags, other than being with the Finn or a member of a tribe I will not name yet, have been angry shags.
As I said, my dare is an excellent opportunity to get yourself killed in the name of science.
If you are the real deal, SHREDDY DARES YOU.
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