Studying The Clooney Sect of Silverback

(We start with Lady Valarie Jane Morris Goodall the world's foremost primatologist and Bogdan master of disguise for the Pink Panthers, the World's Foremost Gang of Jewell Thieves from the Serbian city of Nis hidden in a primate observation blind. They are getting ready to observe a gathering of primates that will be meeting in a boardroom. Bogdan hands Lady Jane Goodall a laminated 8 x 10 photo that has been divided into 9 identification squares.)

LADY JANE - "What's this card for? I recognize the photo of Madonna, I have heard of Lady Gaga, I also recognize Katherine Hepburn. But who on earth is Gwen Stefani, and who are these other women?"

BOGDAN - "Gwen Stefani is a singer. She used to be with the Punk inspired band "No Doubt" but she has gone solo and sings under her own name. the rest of the women on the card are either actresses or pop singers."

LADY JANE - "What did Lady Gaga accomplish to get herself Knighted?"

BOGDAN - "Lady Gaga is a 24 year old pop singer from New York City. As she is an American, there are no restrictions in the United States of America against using the salutation Lady when one has not been Knighted. We better remain really quiet lady Jane as I hear some sound. As you identify the figures on the card, please point them out but don't make a sound. We are performing surveillance Pink Panther style"

(As Bogdan and Lady Jane quietly wait, a group of slender hooded figures enter the room. The first one Lady Jane identifies is Madonna, then Gwyneth Paltrow, Katherine Hepburn, Kate Blanchet, Deborah Harry, Vanna White, Avril Lavinge & Cindi Lauper. The only photo that Lady Jane does not point to is Gwen Stefani.)

(Bogdan writes a note to Lady Jane; "I will be deploying the Pink Panthers hermetic sound seal in twenty seconds. We will be able to hear the cloaked figures after it is deployed but the will not be able to hear us. It is our newest invention that we are trying for the first time today.")

(Bogdan opens his bag of tricks and removes a small rectangular object the size of a Zippo lighter with a red button. he presses the button and the device gives off a fart sound and a temporary smell like someone has been eating beans)

BOGDAN - "We are OK to speak Lady Jane the cloaked ones can no longer hear us."

LADY JANE - "I now see Gwen Stefani. Where are we Bogdan? We cannot be in Hollywood as Katherine Hepburn is deceased."

BOGDAN - "We are in Victoria, British Columbia."

LADY JANE - "Why are we in God's waiting room? Are we observing some final judgment of the souls of contemporary female figures?"

BOGDAN - "Just wait Lady Jane you will see in a second."

(Gwen Stefani goes to the head of the table. All of the hooded figures proceed to rise, and they remove their hoods revealing that they are not contemporary female figures but men. the one that Lady Jane identified as Gwen Stefani is none other than Bogdan's friends Shreddy.)

LADY JANE - "I would guess that we are attending a gathering of Oxford Alumni, however Shreddy did not attend Oxford."

BOGDAN - "We are witnessing the Council of Silverbacks, Shreddy's men's group. They meet once a month to discuss issues that arise and to support one another with advice on the intricacies of life."

LADY JANE - "What a handsome lot they are. They all have bodies like swimsuit models. To be 25 again and to be thrown in the midst of these fellows, I would never have went into the bush."

BOGDAN - "I assure you Lady Jane that you would not want to be thrown into the midst of these fellows."

LADY JANE - "Why would that be?"

BOGDAN - "These fellows are Metrosexuals."

Condoms Breaking

I am a slut.

If somebody asked me how many sexual partners I have had this year, I could not answer that question. I have no idea other than the number is greater than ten.

One thing is for certain. No glove, no love. Every partner I had I used a condom. I have been using condoms religiously for over a quarter of a century.

In a quarter of a century of use I have never had a condom break. I always wonder how on earth could a condom break?

But then again I wonder how with some people asking them to not fall on their own scissors is asking too much of them. Oh I forget the Dysgenic Effect.

Bridezilla - She Had Her Day Now What About Marriage?

A Bridezilla would drag a gay man down the isle to have her day.

A Bridezilla would drag a genetic defect down the isle to have her day.

A Bridezilla would drag a philanderer down the isle to have her day

A Bridezilla would drag a donkey down the isle to have her day.

How does a human being get so messed up that they would make a public life commitment spectacle out proclaiming she will be faithful to a dredging from the shallower end of the gene pool?

It starts when they are young given and they are given their first Bridezilla magazine. They are told about how great their future Bridezilla orgy will be but nobody ever mentions to the young girl that there is supposed to be a man involved. The man if one is to be involved is dehumanized by calling him a groom which rhymes with broom. When the little girls start having visions of Bridezilla in their head they are not thinking about life with a person, but dragging a THING down the isle.

1> Bridezilla Marries a Gay Man

I have seen this one happen many times before and what amazes me is how shocked and surprised Bridezilla's girlfriends are. A highly likely candidate for being a groom is a gay man that refers to himself as a Bottom. A Top would not tolerate Bridezilla's tripe but a Bottom certainly would. Liza Mimelli married an openly gay Bottom in a fairy tale ceremony. She paid for her Bloodstone herself and all that David had to do was show up to the Bridezilla Orgy and place the Bloodstone on her finger. I wouldn't be surprised if they set up a special staged public bathroom for David so he could enjoy himself during Liza Minelli's spectacle. Bridezilla makes a fool out of herself so she could have a public spectacle.

2> Bridezilla Marries a Genetic Defect

I have seen this one occur many times before. Usually is is a hyphenated Islamic Canadian male marrying a Whitebread Canadian. Think Rahim Jaffer & Helena Geurgis, then make Helena Guergis come from a poorer, more Canadian family. What is the large Muslim family going to do with their hideous son? Buy him a Bloodstone and tell him to offer a woman who is far more attractive that he is, a Bloodstone tied to a Bridezilla orgy. The Muslim family has the mistaken belief in the discredited amalgam theory of genetics, and they hope the attractive woman will mean grandchildren that look midway between the parents. However genes are dominant and recessive, half the grandkids will take after mom and half after dad. The Bridezilla willingly sells her potential children's genetic legacy for a lump of coal.

3> Bridezilla Marries a Philanderer

If a man really despises his girlfriend and wants to get back at her for years of unprovoked abuse, ask her to marry him. Get a Bloodstone on a financed plan from the Province of Alberta where there is a chattel attached at the central registry to the ring. Do not tell the girlfriend that the engagement ring has a chattel attached to it. Do not tell the girlfriend that the stone came out of an Estate Piece and that more than likely it is a Bloodstone that represents an African village burned to the ground . When the girlfriend consents to a Bridezilla Orgy, one has a license to screw around to ones heart's content at least up to the night of the Orgy rehearsal. One can also admit every indiscretion to Bridezilla before the orgy day so as to deny her any ammunition post marriage, because Bridezilla will not let anything stand in the way of her big day. After the ceremony when Bridezilla has become Wifezilla, keep cheating until she throws you out. Laugh at the thought of how priceless it will be when the bailiffs show up to remove the Bloodstone from Wifezilla's hand.

4> Bridezilla Marrying a Donkey

With the exploding population of young slacker men, future Bridezillas are facing a major problem. Many potential mates are just too stupid to put a Bloodstone that Bridezilla buys onto Bridezilla's finger. The Slackasaur simply can't imagine Bridezilla's hand as anything other than a video game controller. Bridezilla needs her day so what does she do? Stage a mock wedding and hire a handsome actor to play the role of the groom. It will have to be a gay porno star as a straight man would not do the job for Bridezilla's budget. We are her today to witness the marriage between two people, Bridezilla & Dong Longly.

Today's weddings are a mockumentary. I once got married and the only way I allowed myself to get married was because it was a small ceremony with less than 10 people in attendance. We were two human beings expressing our commitments to one another and making it legal. We were together six years and both of us thought it would be a complete waste to hold a spectacle as our commitment to one another was obvious to everyone through our actions.

But I guess todays rapidly expanding Bridezilla monster needs the ceremony since the creature she is dragging down the isle is something that she feels she had to settle for. One only needs to be an attractive man shopping in a supermarket full of recent Wifezilla's to know that Wifezilla's eyes are wondering and she is hoping she can trade up for better.

Mini-Skirts - Over 30 No, Over 50 Yes Please

While doing my favourite pastime this weekend people watching something very startling dawned on me. The most physically attractive women are baby boomers.

The nicest rear end I saw was on a woman aged 53.

The sexiest legs I saw were on a woman aged 55.

The prettiest face was on a 51 year old.

Best reason to ask a younger woman out on a date appears to be to meet her mom. Go figure.

Silverbacks - The Difference Between the Clooneys & the Sheens

Silverbacks - Fit attractive heterosexual men between the ages of 33 to 50 who by choice are not in a committed monogamous relationship.

Clooney Sect Silverbacks - Silverbacks who by dress or behaviour make you wonder whether they are gay or not, as they are clean living. But since they don't have boyfriends the jury is still out. They take their inspiration from their prophet, the actor George Clooney.



Sheen Sect Silverbacks - Silverbacks who by dress and behaviour are undeniably heterosexual, as they are totally functional degenerates. They take their inspiration from their prophet the actor, Charlie Sheen.



By observing a Silverback one can determine if they are a Sheen or a Clooney however the definition is not black and white as either category of Silverback can have some tendencies of the other.

1> How they get from point A to B

Sheen Sect Silverbacks - Speed or safety are paramount, to hell with the other driver. Vehicular preference is towards European luxury cars or high end SUVs such as Escalades, Navigators, Cayannes, Range Rovers etc.

Clooney Sect Silverbacks - Making a statement is paramount, to hell with one's own safety, it's what other people think that counts. You will find them driving hybrids to save the Darfur or riding a bicycle to save the world from global warming.

2> David Beckham or Victoria Beckham

Clooney Sect Silverbacks - Five or six scotches, and as long as the Beckhams would both consent having a go with either of the Beckhams would do.

Sheen Sect Silverbacks - If he is dressed as Victoria Beckham, David.

3> Man Purses

Sheen Sect Silverbacks - Man purses are for pussies, cargo shorts will suffice as all a man needs to carry are his wallet, keys, drugs and condoms.

Clooney Sect Silverbacks - Man purses are a necessity as cargo shorts don't have room for skin moisturizer, a comprehensive first aid kit, a spare shirt, cologne and literature promoting whatever cause the Clooney is wrapped up with.

4> Fashion Sense

Clooney Sect Silverbacks - Take their fashion cues from the androgynous look of female pop icons. Being characterized by a Size 32 or smaller waist, look for tight fitting clothing as Clooneys love to flaunt their bodies. They would look better in drag than the average woman of their age.

Sheen Sect Silverbacks - Eat chicken wings and dress in a futile attempt to hide that they eat chicken wings. Look for loose fitting clothing as Sheens don't want to draw attention to their tummies. They would look worse than the average woman of their age if wearing drag.

5> Dating

Sheen Sect Silverbacks - Done frequently when they believe they have a chance of shagging on the first date. No shagging and no second dates however.

Clooney Sect Silverbacks - Done frequently when they want to listen to a woman express her views, feelings and to learn from the woman's experiences. There are absolutely no physical overtures whatsoever leaving the poor woman wondering is this guy queer?

6> Call Girls

Sheen Sect Silverbacks - Use their services when they cannot get sex out of the woman they date.

Clooney Sect Silverbacks - Use their services so they do not have to try to get sex out of the women that they date.

7> Rejection

Sheen Sect Silverbacks - A consequence of asking women for sex. If at first you don't succeed, try another one. If that doesn't work get a call girl.

Clooney Sect Silverbacks - Rejection is too damaging to the self-esteem. Why bother asking a woman for sex when you can call a call girl.

8> Vacations

Clooney Sect Silverbacks- Use these for learning experiences to enhance their activism. Malta to witness the tuna slaughter, Darfur to deworm children or Minsk to study the behaviour of the Belorussian people.

Sheen Sect Silverbacks - All roads lead to Las Vegas

9> Ultimate Compliment

Clooney Sect Silverbacks - To be told they have a girl-like figure

Sheen Sect Silverbacks - To be complimented on their biceps or sexual promiscuity.

10> Ultimate Goal

Clooney Sect Silverbacks - A kinder gentler world where nobody hurts anybody and everybody is happy. This is accomplished by shagging as many women as discretely as possible.

Sheen Sect Silverbacks - To keep getting shagged as if everyone was shagging the world would be a kinder and gentler place.

The Real Housewives Series on TV - Scare a Man With a Brain Towards Call-Girls

What amazes me whenever I watch women watching the Real Housewives of Orange County, Real Housewives of New York, Real Housewives of Atlanta etc. is how few women seem to accept that the show is a Mockumentary. Closest example would be the Trailer Park Boys which has actors depicting a farcical comedy of real life in a Nova Scotia trailer park.

What is it about these shows that makes so many women refuse to accept that these shows are not a depiction of real life. Maybe it is because these shows feed the woman's concept of Vaginal Entitlement, where a woman feels by virtue of having a vagina, she is entitled to live off the sweat of the brow of others.

Looking at life, I noticed that daughters of stay at home moms tend to have a very strong concept of Vaginal Entitlement, whereas daughters of hard working women that had careers tend not to have this concept of becoming a vaginally endowed parasite hard wired.

It is a twisted idea that many women have, that by virtue of their gender, they are entitled to to suck the marrow out of a Drone. However the Silverbacks are too smart for this, because:

1> A younger woman with a vagina can be rented by the hour.

2> A prettier woman with a vagina can be rented by the hour.

3> A woman that will go away when you want her can be rented by the hour.

4> Another prettier, younger and nicer woman is available by the hour when you sent the previous one away.

5> If a Silverback has enough monkey tails, a B-List Celebrity who the Silverback has seen on television many times before with a vagina can be rented by the hour.

6> Why waste precious moments of one's life hanging out with a monster when you can spend your time enjoying life with one's buddies.

Bridezilla has a mortal enemy. She is the high end call girl. Maybe Bridezilla was a high end call girl at one time but she started to pack on the weight and was facing the concept of having to shift her client base from Silverbacks to hyphenated Canadians.

Thank you Council of Silverbacks for my birthday present. A B-List celebrity is now another notch on the tally post. I enter my late 40s with a renewed sense of clarity as to how far a human being will go to meet the most basic of needs, namely food and shelter.

Is There a Realtionship Between Obesity & Heart Disease in Women?

I have the audacity to suggest that the increasing rates of heart disease in women is a direct result of the increasing rates of obesity in women.

Women as a general rule used to be thin and women as a general rule used to have low rates of heart disease. Women as a general rule now are overweight or obese and their heart disease rates are equal to or exceeding those of men. When I do my people watching on a BC ferry with a captive audience, my observations lead me to believe that the incidence of overweight/obese women is higher than that for overweight/obese men.

Fire is hot.

Fat people are more likely to die of heart disease.

What a fucked world we live in where the fat acceptance movement is so powerful that only a heretic has the audacity to suggest something as obvious as fire is hot.

Midlife And/Or Metrosexual, Introducing the Silverbacks

My female friends complain to me very often that the best looking men are either gay or taken. As a man I remind them that the best looking men appear to be gay, but they are not. They look so good because they are not taken. These men are Silverbacks, mature metrosexuals in stylish and/or tight clothing with financial means between ages of 33 to 50. They survived to the beginning of their midlife relatively unencumbered with no rapacious bloodsucking wife. The older ones may have a grown child from their younger years. Unless they have an expensive hobby like drag racing, these men have a pet or pets that have an inordinate amount of attention lavished on them. These men might even have the time to develop ideals and support a noble cause.

How did these men get this way and how do they remain this way? The answer is very simple, they took responsibility upon themselves for birth control. Keep the tadpoles from fertilizing an egg, retain ownership of ones own life. These men are a product of their times having reached sexual maturity during the 1980s and early 1990s. While still teens, they saw what the Herpes Simplex and AIDS epidemics could do. They were taught that the surest way to prevent catching a disease that can kill you is wearing condoms. They were smart enough to learn from watching their friends that the surest fire way to wind up encumbered was to trust a woman with birth control. Silverbacks are barrier boys, no glove no love. They follow as their prophets none other than Charlie Sheen, star of the television series Two and a Half Men, or George Clooney. The ones that appear straight are in the Charlie Sheen Sect, while the ones that appear gay are members of the George Clooney Sect.





Silverbacks are the poster children for the Paradox of Thrift. Which in simplest terms states:

"That the actions that most benefit the individual such as saving money, hurt the entire whole economy by reducing aggregate demand."

If everybody started to save, the economy goes to pieces. Silverbacks save by wearing condoms. Their actions hurt the whole economy as the Silverback does not create rapacious wives or children. The Anti-Silverback is the Drone, a man that is too dumb to wear a condom. It is the action of the Drone that create rapacious wives and children. Rapacious individuals with too much time on their hands who cannot distinguish the difference between wants and needs are the driving force of todays consumer economy. The Drone is the modern day Plantation Slave whose hard work carries the Leisure Class.

The Silverback is a man that made a conscious decision to not offer his life to a killing machine. More than likely you know several, either the highly functional degenerate or the man who is so pretty that no woman wants to compete with him.




They are here and they have hit the second decade of the 21st century full force.

to be continued..

Time to Come Clean on Steroid Use

I have published my nutritional methodology which is simple, to hell with what the EXPERTS are saying, just eat less.

I have published my complete exercise workout. No aerobics, no gyms, the last year has been less than an hour a week of own body weight resistance training. My sole exception in the last year was I upped the intensity for my Serbia trip, which I found was unnecessary as Serbia is the safest country in Europe that I have ever visited.

My supplements I take are Hydroxy Methyl Butyrate a naturally occurring substance that the brain produces that effects by slowing down the metabolism, my favourite food groups; cookies; cakes; pizza; white homemade Croatian Bread; and high absorption Bosnian sugar enriched sodas. In addition I take Conjugated Lineolic Acid (another naturally occurring substance) which seems to have a prophylactic effect on preventing fat deposits around the stomach region (31 inch waist Armani Exchange Skinny Fit look sexiest on me).

For speeding my muscle healing, I eat good old fashioned BC Marijuana. It allows my 45 year old body to hit a rest state for healing that is unfathomable to a normal human being. My Physician tells me a 45 year old man should not be capable of hitting lifetime personal best sets in upper-body muscle endurance tests, and smashing the old mark 48 hours later. However I have done so many times and I intend to do so many times this year.

Thus far there has been one last ingredient that I have not mentioned in my previous posts. I hesitated mentioning it because I could not believe the results I was witnessing. My body appears to have reversed aging. I attributed it to excessive consumption of LSD in University and my mid 30s and the resulting flashbacks. However it is not the case. Forty plus year old fat men cannot grow an Armani Exchange body, at least that was the conventional wisdom until it happened to me.

My secret ingredient is a ground plant root that you can buy in a health food store that comes from a weed that grows wild in the desert regions of the Balkans. I eat Mother Nature's Anabolic Steroid Precursor;

TRIBULUS TERRESTRIS

3 grams a day in two doses on off training days. 4.5 grams in two doses on training days. You go on a six week cycle on followed by a three week cycle off. There are side effects and I have experienced them. First acne and blackheads may start growing on the skin covering the muscles that have the most steroid receptors namely shoulders and back (traps & lats). Second there is a massive increase in sex drive. These two go hand in hand. Humans are primates and grooming behaviour is hard wired in primates. Granting a woman blackhead harvest privileges for ones back is the poor man's Mark Jacobs bag. Tyra Banks even came out of the closet on the Tyra Banks Show and admitted she finds squeezing blackheads on a man's back irresistible.

My birthday present to all of you is this final secret. The missing Yin (male hormone) to the Yang caused by the marijuana (female hormones).

I made my choice. Maybe its time for you to make your own decision. Most importantly, it is never to late to allow your body to evolve. Evolution is something we can control within ourselves. All one has to do is walk over to one's friendly neighbourhood organic food and vitamin shop and do it.

Happy Birthday Croatia

Tomorrow you turn nineteen. You have been through a lot in short number of years. A bloody civil war that was the breakup of the former Yugoslavia. The elation of coming into third place in the 1998 FIFA World Cup. Entering the 21st century as a internationally recognized sovereign state.

Nineteen years ago only 4,500,000 million Croatians and a like number of diaspora believed you would survive. Luckily you proved the rest of the world wrong.

Happy Birthday Croatia. You are not perfect, and neither is anybody else. Zhivila Hrvatska.

Feeding Oneself to a Killing Machine

Now that age has imparted some wisdom with it, I look at the minefield called life and realize that the journey from cradle to grave is filled with opportunities to give oneself an early grave. They are the expectational killing machines. Where people do as they think is expected of them and by doing so end up harming themselves or others. People willingly fall unto their own swords or sacrifice the lives of others with barely a thought.

When I ask myself whose expectations are they that people willing destroy their own lives to meet, one realizes that they are the expectations of marketers. People with a vested interest in the decisions that third parties make are setting the expectations of the third party, and the third party is unwilling to face it. Many of our holidays and celebrations are pure marketing. Mother's Day and Fathers Day were invented by Hallmark Cards, to manufacture an expectation that mom or dad is to receive an overpriced Hallmark card. The Bridezilla industry is a product of the Bloodstone cartel. Obese North Americans is a product of the nutritional expectation machine created by the food industry. The list goes on indefinitely. Someone with a vested interest in an individual harming themselves tells the individual that harming oneself is expected of them. The individual does as they are told.

This upcoming year I will be attempting to become a biological father. Instead of following the vested interest marketers expectations;

1> Find heterosexual woman afflicted by a temporary insanity (visions of Bridezilla).
2> Both allow ourselves to go hell in a hand-basket.
3> Give up a years worth of after tax and after life expenses disposable income to buy a Bloodstone
4> Wait a couple more years for the temporarily (one hopes) insane beast to design a dehumanization ceremony whose purpose is to inflict as much economic pain on everyone involved as possible.
5> Get dragged through the Bridezilla Orgy and settle into the life of a drone.
6> Realize ones mate would have dragged a sack of manure down an isle to get it's day and start to develop romanticized visions of running a backpack of marijuana across the US border.

I will be attempting an alternate rational route:

1> Find a wedded pair of lesbians where there is a desire to have a biological child.
2> See if they are compatible genetically. Straight teeth, longevity in the genes, innate intelligence and a lack of congenital defects.
3> Find ones that would rather the child have a father (masculine alpha male), instead of a dad (soft-spoken gelding).
4> Make baby with the two mom's.
5> Become a father, have control of my life and be able to set a good example for the child because father is not a drone.
6> Enjoy life, enjoy fatherhood, love my child and love the mothers' of my child.

My Physician thinks my idea of forsaking straight women and proceeding directly to married lesbian pairs, has the potential to be one of the most dangerous ideas since Martin Luther decided to criticize the sale of indulgences by the Office of the Papacy. If I could successfully father a child my way, and a functional family unit could be established that is separate from the domestic unit that is exclusively the realm of the mothers and child. The smartest fittest males, the Silverbacks, who have been sitting on the sidelines to avoid feeding themselves to a killing machine, will wake up and realize that fatherhood is attainable.

Silverbacks on your ready. It is time to put away one's electronic gadgets, park the convertibles, delay a shopping trip to Holt Renfrew's (Canada's version of Bloomingdale's) and re-jig one's vacation plans. Time for the fittest few to actively seek fatherhood. Time to go looking for lesbians.

Bloodstone Laundering 101

Bridezilla needs her rock. Bridezilla evaluates her worth and her prospective drone's worthiness through the size of the lump of coal that the drone is willing to purchase. Bridezilla likes Leonardo DiCaprio and wishes she could have been marrying him instead of her drone, so she asks for a conflict free diamond. What is a drone to do if he wants to appease the Bridezilla monster?

He goes out to purchase a Polar Bear diamond, or a certified conflict free stone. However the drone is too dumb and the Bridezilla monster does not care that any demand for jewellery diamonds feeds the Bloodstone machine. The diamond that comes from a kimberlite pipe in the Northwest Territories of Canada (only the Inuit and politically correct types know the Eskimo name), is just as much a part of the Bloodstone machine as the diamond that was mined by slave labour from an alluvial deposit in the Congo.

This will be an interesting series to write. I will be explaining the process of Bloodstone Laundering. Hopefully I can make a case that is strong enough for my contention that after reading the series and watching somebody flaunt their diamond, a person might speak out. The only way to stop the Bloodstone Machine is to have a world where people are ashamed to be wearing a diamond.

Any diamond on a hand means blood on that hand.

Chihuahua Poo

Thursdays are Chihuahua sitting days. I take care of Francis the Chihuahua in my office. She weighs all of two pounds and she is cute as a button. She is a sixth of the size of my miniature Dachshund Portia. Her poo is tiny as well. How tiny is a Chihuahua poo? It is smaller than a tootsie roll. It is easy to pick up. It is brown and does not smell bad. Thank goodness I am beyond mindless gorging because if I was not beyond that stage of my life, I would have inadvertently tasted Chihuahua poo by now.

How Good Does a Double Bacon Cheeseburger Taste?

I took the ferry to the mainland on Sunday to shop & to complete my Belgrade dare. I had the opportunity to to people watch in a captive environment so this trip I decided to refine the food gorging observations from my last trip. This mission I decided to answer for myself the old burning question: "How good does a double beef bacon and cheeseburger taste?" without tasting one of the infernal things.

Kate Moss said it best when she said "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels". It pissed millions of people around the world off because Cocaine Kate was right. Being thin feels awesome. I have been fat, and I am now thin and believe you me thin feels better. In the ballet called life, the bodies interaction between itself and the world around it goes smoother. A pair of trousers feel sexy around the waist. An economy class seat on a Trans-Atlantic flight is roomy. The bodies core is flexible. The price I pay for being thin is not eating a double beef bacon cheeseburger.

I have never tasted a bacon double cheeseburger in my life. I decided to examine the people who order bacon double cheeseburgers in the on-board cafe line-up closely so i could get an idea of how good it must taste for the price that people who are eating them pay.

1> A protruding belly that would have been unimaginable on a man 50 years ago. The people who eat double beef bacon cheeseburgers look awfull. Every last individual who ordered this item of the menu was abdominally obese. The waistband of their trousers or shorts acts as a tourniquit around their torso. The mix of visceral fat and innards makes their abdominal region bulge before the subcuaneous fat layer creates the waistband hangovers. Double beef bacon cheeseburger eaters are the classic apple body type. They are widest at the middle

2> They were horribly dressed. Even if they were wearing psuedo designer clothing it looked like hell on them. Generally I saw lots of Old Navy and Eddie Bauer on the people. Apples cannot wear European designer clothing, as it has a tapered waist. Old Navy and Eddie Bauer are designed for the bacon double cheeseburger crowd.

The price the bacon double cheeseburger eaters pay is looking like hell and having to dress like shit. That burger must taste incredible to overcome how awful it must feel to look like hell and to have no choice but to dress like shit.

When I take Kate Moss' quote, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" into the context of the North America of 2010, the only words I could find that are more moving were from the first book of Genesis:

"Let There Be Light"

Wearing Rockstar Jeans & Wondering What is my Dress Size?

I have always been puzzled by womens sizing. Now that I am smaller than the average North American woman of my age, I feel that I finally have the means to solve this mystery.

I suspect that I could put on an American size 8 dress.

I do not know if I could fit into a European size 10 dress, but somehow I doubt it.

If I was prepared to spend enough, could a bit of fishing line get me into an American size 6?

What a simple world I live in as a man. Rockstar jeans means wearing 30-30s. A waist diameter of 30 inches and an inseam length of 30 inches. Maybe it is time to purchase a sarong for the summer? Would they come in mens sizing or women's sizing?

What is the Primary Motivator of the Pink Panthers?

They are the World' Foremost Gang of Jewel Thieves from the Serbian city of Nis. They have robbed an estimated 120 jewellery stores in twenty different countries. Other than a solitary blue diamond from one of their early robberies, none of the objects taken have apparently surfaced.

I am fascinated by this gang. I travelled through Serbia this winter trying to get an idea of what kind of environment does it take to create a Pink Panther. My sixth sense tells me that I know where I could find some of them. If some higher power managed to clone Blingzilla (Shreddy's gold chain) and offered Blingzilla's clone as an even money bet on whether I could pass within 10 meters of a Pink Panther within 24 hours in Belgrade? If it was a sunny day, I would accept the wager.

What motivates them to pull off the most daring heists in modern history? If money was their primary motivator, the gang would have been caught by now. They would be too predicable. If their primary motivator was money, something tells me that they would not have risked their own lives and freedom to get Dragan Mikic the suspected leader of the gang and the basis of my composite character BOGDAN out of prison.

What are the Pink Panthers?

1> Simple Thieves

This is the least likely explanation. If they were simple thieves, it would be too easy for the police to set a trap for them. If captured a member who was only in it for the money would turn on the other members. There is no honour amongst thieves.

2> Thrill Seekers

This is a very likely explanation. The billion dollars worth of diamonds just happen to be an incidental. The prize is pulling the heist off. Evidence from their robberies that support this contention is the Dubai robbery where eight members of the gang crashed several limousines simultaneously through the wall of the building that contained the Sheik of Dubai's diamonds. When they pulled off the Saint Tropitz heist they wore flower T-Shirts and they made their exit James Bond style in speedboats. If they are thrill seekers, Interpol will have a hard time capturing them. Police brains are not wired to understand the Pink Panther's behaviour. A police officers primary motivator is getting a pension. Anyone who is primarily motivated by a pension is incapable of getting into the head of a thrill seeker.

3> Anti-Bloodstone Activists

This is a likely explanation. A billion dollars worth of diamonds stolen and only a solitary blue stone from an early heist that the Panthers wanted the police to find was recovered. It was hidden in a jar of cold cream like in one of the Pink Panther movies that starred Peter Sellers. Are the Panthers motivated by showing the world that the diamond certification process is a farce? Bridezilla wants her Bloodstone. Bridezilla tries desperately to convince herself that she is not a sociopath. The diamond cartel develops a Conflict Free Diamond certification process to soothe Bridezilla and give her a straw to grasp at when she claims she is not a sociopath, and that the stone on her finger does not lead to little girls being raped in Africa. A billion dollars worth of diamonds get stolen and none of them turn up. It gives me good reason to believe the Conflict Free Diamond certification process is a fraud. Bridezillas keep getting their stones, little African girls keep getting raped and the diamond cartel keeps reminding Bridezilla to feel good about herself and her Bloodstone.

4> Serbian Patriots out to restore Serbia's Honour

This is also a very likely explanation. You go to Serbia and the Pink Panthers are heroes. If the average Serb knew their whereabouts, and was offered the choice of betraying the Panthers or being tortured to death. The average Serb in my opinion would readily accept being tortured to death. The gang uses the absolute minimum amount of violence necessary to complete the task. For the Henry Winston robbery in Paris in 2008, the strike team wore drag. This allowed the Panthers while dressed as women to take out 250+ pound security gorillas with single non-lethal blows. When they rob a place, the Panthers know that they are representing Serbia.

Whoever the Pink Panthers are, they have earned my respect. Good luck on your future robberies. As long as you keep the physical violence in your robberies to an absolute minimum you have my support. I know where to find you guys, but do not worry your secret is safe with me.

Eyes Wide Open - Looking for Lesbians part 5

Bridezilla has created a dehumanization machine that has frightened the prime Silverbacks from breeding. As I said in a previous post, only a fairy would want to take part in a fairy tale. Bridezilla cannot offer any quid pro quo to a Prize Silverback (top 10% in intelligence and health), and it is the males that cannot make the top 10% that are available to her.

What The Bridezilla Monster Demands:

1> A Bloodstone Engagement Ring - Any demand for jewelery diamonds feeds the bloodstone machine and is wrong. This is a moral absolute just as it is a moral absolute that "rape is wrong". I do not want to make any commitment with a individual who demands a bloodstone. I do not want the sweat of my brow to feed the Bloodstone machine. The Pink Panthers The World's Foremost Gang of Jewel Thieves from the Serbian city of Nis have stolen over a billion dollars worth of diamonds that have simply disappeared. Are they criminals who have shown the world a hole big enough to sail the Queen Mary through the diamond laundering machine, or are they idealists who are trying to rid the world of Bloodstones?

2> A Time Commitment for the Bridezilla Orgy - I am aware of my own mortality. I am aware that I have a finite amount of time. I am unwilling to put off trying to have a child for two years from now so some woman can have a consumption orgy.

3> Dehumanizing me in a Bridezilla Ceremony - I am more than a cake ornament. Once upon a time there was an institution called marriage that was a social contract between two individuals and a celebration of the union of two families. What happened? Now its a celebration of a singular narcissistic sociopath named Bridezilla.

4> What Would Bridezilla Have Done to Get Her Orgy? - Would she have paid for the bloodstone herself? Would she have had Bridezilla day if I told her a month before the Bridezilla orgy that I have a preference for blond Scandinavian male rowers? Would she go through with the Bridezilla orgy if I told her I was committed to shagging everything with two legs before and after the marriage? From what I see on Bridezilla TV the answer is yes. A Bridezilla would drag a sack of manure down an isle if that was the admission requirement for a Bridezilla orgy.

What would Bridezilla have to offer me?

1> Bad Karma - Going to bed at night wondering how many little girls in Africa were raped so that a piece of carbon with a laser inscribed polar bear representing 3 months of my earnings can sit on a woman's finger? I will believe that there are no factories in China that can burn the polar bear onto the surface of a diamond when I believe the world is flat.

2> A Royal Headache - Listening to two years of Bridezilla tripe would be all the encouragement I need to try to run a load of marijuana across the US border. Success would mean $10,000 cash that Bridezilla does not know about. Failure means an escape from Bridezilla tripe and five years secured confinement in the US prison system away from the monster.

No wonder I am going to Vancouver to go shopping for golf shirts. Why hook up with a Bridezilla monster when instead one can find a pair of lesbians who really dig Tiger Woods?

Eyes Wide Open - Looking for Lesbians part 4

My gut instinct tells me that looking for lesbians will be far more fruitful than looking for a heterosexual woman to have a child with. The prospective mothers & I would be a trailblazers. Since we would be breaking new ground, there would be no expectational marketing machine set up to rob us or our respective parents of their savings. If we are successful, the rest of the Silverbacks will be aware of a third way, Shreddy's way, to achieve fatherhood. The smartest fittest men who have been reluctant to breed because of their unwillingness to be dehumanized by a Bridezilla monster will have a sane logical route to fatherhood that does not require surrogacy.

When looking at fatherhood I have to look at two alternative lesbian routes:

Route #1 - Sperm Donor - No Name on Child's Birth Certificate - No Involvement with Mothers

Advantages to Shreddy:

1> No financial liability
2> No emotional commitment
3> Freedom to breed again as soon as sperm donation made
4> Basis for an interesting scientific experiment. Will the child have enough of an interest in finding out who I was that upon reaching adulthood they take the initiative to find me.

Disadvantages to Shreddy:

1> Not knowing if I have a child
2> My parents not knowing if they have a grandchild
3> My daughter not knowing if she has a sibling

Advantages to Lesbian Couple:

1> They can raise the child as they wish

Disadvantages to Lesbian Couple:

1> No financial assistance from Shreddy, they would be giving up on 11% of my line 236 income.
2> They will inevitably have to deal with the child asking them "Who is my daddy?"

Conclusion:

The disadvantages outweigh the advantages. I would only make an anonymous donation if the two perspective mothers were capable of articulating the dysgenic effect. If two women said to me, "We want your sperm Shreddy because we feel that it would reduce the probability of the child being a poo eating moron", they are welcome to my sperm. If they cannot because of political correctness articulate the dysgenic effect, no sperm.

Route #2 - Re-Defining the Family - Shreddy's Name on Birth Certificate - Parental Obligations

Advantages to Shreddy:

1> Being able to know I have a child and being able to take part in the life of my child and watch my child grow up.
2> My parents being able to be part of their grandchild's life.
3> My daughter being part of her siblings life.
4> Fatherhood not getting in the way of pursuing the woman that I love, if I one day allow myself to fall in love again. Shreddy wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Disadvantage to Shreddy:

1> Handing over annually 11% of my line 236 income to the mothers on a tax free basis

Advantages to the Lesbians:

1> Financial commitment of 11% of Shreddy's line 236 income
2> Shared parental burden with Shreddy would mean that the two mothers can have a life when it's Shreddy's turn to have the child.
3> No child driving them crazy with "Who is my daddy?"
4> With two mothers and a father that does one handed chin ups, the child would be better protected by the parents.

Disadvantages to Lesbians:

1> Having the involvement of Shreddy in the redefined family.
2> Risk that at age 12 the child wants to live with Shreddy, as at age 12 if the child had a known father, the child gets rights afforded to it that are unavailable to a child with father unknown.

Conclusion:

I want this route. I want to be able spend a weekend every month with my child and my parents being the three generational Croatian family. The Lesbians would have the sperm of a functional male who would take an active role in promoting the well being of their child. It is a win, win, win all the way around with everyone winning except the Bridezilla machine.

Queen Bridezilla - Liza Minelli

To have her Bridezilla orgy she paid for the ring and she married an openly gay man.

To have her Bridezilla orgy, would Liza Minelli have married a Chimpanzee?

A Day's Worth of Food

A few days ago a friend bought me a snack pack of trail mix. It weighs 300 grams (10 1/2 ounces) and contains wholesome nuts, dried fruits and lots of fibre. It also contains 1,560 calories of energy. It is sold as a six serving snack in a one person bag.

Fifty years ago the average North American woman consumed 1,540 calories of food per day. Todays average North American woman is consuming close to 2,200 calories a day. Fifty years ago supermarket space was devoted to all sorts of allegedly unhealthy foods like white flour, white sugar, butter, lard, etc. Now people listen to nutritionist pears and a significant portion of the white sugar and flour space is now devoted to healthy whole grain snacks that the pears tell us are good for us.

You are what you eat. My best estimate is for a person to take their ideal body weight in pounds and to multiply it by a number in the range of 12 to 15 for the total calories consumed factor. If you are very active use 15 and if you are inactive use 12. If you are an inactive woman and your ideal weight is 130 pounds, that bag of trail mix at 1,560 calories represent exactly one days worth of food for your ideal you.

Personally my ideal weight is 160 pounds. I am relatively inactive as I am an accountant. A days worth of food for me is 160 x 12 = 1,920 calories. That equates to the bag of trail mix and two 8 ounce glasses anti-oxidant rich grape juice. Given the choice however I would much rather get my 1,920 calories a day from food group pizza, food group cookies and food group Bosnian fruit ester white sugar syrop soda.

Is It Time to Re-Colonize Africa?

Fifty years ago a wave of optimism was sweeping Africa. The white overseer dicks from Europe were being replaced by a black assholes from home. The good old days for most African people who are old enough to remember were the days when the white dick from Europe was in charge.

Take Rhodesia, a functioning country named after Cecil Rhodes, founder of the Rhodes Scholarship and the man most responsible for civilizing sub Saharan Africa. When the British were in charge in 1950, Rhodesia was a net food exporter and the breadbasket of sub Saharan Africa. Fifty years later the country is renamed Zimbabwe, a black thug named Robert Mugabe is in charge, his people are starving. Those that don't succumb to malnutrition are being wiped out by the AIDs virus. If the Zimbabweans who were not part of the corrupt elite in power had their way, they would probably want to go back to white rule.

What are Africa's biggest problems? As I see them they are the corrupt assholes in Africa, and the delusional white pussies in Europe and North America who cannot stop interfering in Africa's affairs. The delusional pussies feel some guilt that they collectively foist upon the European psyche to give financial assistance to the Africans who are victims of European oppression. The African assholes in charge abscond with all the aid and use it to entrench their position of power while their people starve. The aid from Europe is the African oppressors instrument of oppression. The funny thing is over 90% of the Africans who are oppressed were not even alive when the European was in charge, so how could they possibly have been oppressed before they were even conceived?

My solution. Ship the delusional pussies from Europe to Africa and abandon them in a township. The black assholes from Africa can make an example of the European pussies and continue to harp that the white oppressor is the source of all problems. The European people realize that it was the European pussies that are the enablers of the African assholes, and they cut off aid. The African assholes no longer have the graft from Europe to act as their tools of oppression and their hold on power weakens. The African people rise, rebel and wipe out the ruling elite. After waves of famine and pestilence, something resembling viable states based upon what the Africans perceive as viable states arise. The West recognizes the viable states that the African people create, resumes aid and helps the African people develop functioning institutions.

Oh the thoughts of a heretic. Having the audacity to see something as obvious as the sky is blue.

Eyes Wide Open - Looking for Lesbians part 3

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock
Money season is over
Adventure season begins
Follow the biological clock

I went over my idea of becoming a biological father with a legally married lesbian couple with my physician. He objectively analyzed the route to fatherhood with two married lesbians versus a heterosexual cheetah (woman aged 28 to 32), and the lesbians win hands down. His conclusion was the same as mine. The straight cheetah cannot compete against a wedded pair of lesbians. He also added that I have a very dangerous idea.

I was taken aback by his describing my idea as dangerous. But upon more reflection, I realized that for a heterosexual man to actively seek a wedded lesbian pair is an extreme heresy. It is so because I have crossed the line of intent. In almost every instance of lesbians becoming mothers, it is the lesbians that go looking for the man. The lionesses are the hunter and the man is the antelope. Why not simply go looking for the lesbians that are looking to find you? My idea is dangerous because it offers a viable and logical route for a heterosexual man to become a biological father in his 40s without offering his life to a woman. I could be a trendsetter that takes an entire population of highly desirable males off of the Bridezilla block.

Finding a woman aged 27 or younger is a ridiculous idea for a man of my age. It just does not sit right with me making a life commitment with a woman young enough to be my child. A cougar (woman aged 33 or older) whose biological clock is screaming in overdrive is not a good idea either, as I fear winding up with another Helena Guergis case. Entering into a life commitment with the sole motivator being the creation of a child with someone who would have a high statistical probability of failure would be the life equivalent to me of Tennyson's Charge of the Light Brigade. I don't want a significant part of the remainder of my life sucked into an emotional vortex of miscarriages and costly fertility treatments.


I am excited, Vancouver Island's Gay Pride week begins on Sunday June 27th. Lesbian couples will be concentrated like fish in a barrel. It is time to up the training intensity and fine tune the universal aspects of body attraction, namely symmetry, shoulder to waist ratio and a narrow waist body core. Time to go shopping for some golf shirts. Shreddy is going looking for lesbians.

Good Coming From Smoking

I am getting through my work today. I am rewarding myself by having a cigarette for each tax return completed. More work done, another ciggy. I am developing a positive feedback loop.

puff, puff, puff

Travelling Alone

I like to travel. I enjoy seeing new places, trying new things, but most of all meeting new people. Since meeting new people is my primary motivator for travelling, I prefer to travel alone. Since by doing so you have absolutely no choice but to interact with the people of the new and exotic places.

These are what I see as the greatest advantages of travelling alone:

1> Spontaneity - you can allow the moment to seize you without worrying about a travelling companions not being seized by the moment.

2> Mobility - you travel lighter and sometimes there is room for only one more person, giving you a broader range of travel possibilities.

3> Privacy - what happens where I visit stays where I visit. I control what I chose to share.

4> Cost - the other side of the coin is the Club Med approach of making two completely unknown people roommates and paying as if one was half of a double occupancy. It is how I learned to distinguish Parisian French accents from Luxembourg French accents.

The biggest downside to travelling alone is that of personal safety. You are in a strange land and strange place all alone. If you disappeared, nobody would notice. You have to keep more of your wits about you. Many places have a feral class of people that prey on travellers. Generally the easy mark for them is someone travelling alone as there is only one set of eyes on the lookout. I mitigate this risk by taking basic safety precautions such as reporting my whereabouts to my friends via facebook, staying to well lit visible places and most of all allowing common sense to prevail.

The greatest beauty about travelling alone is when the moment seizes you, not having common sense prevail because at that moment the trip becomes an adventure.

Off to the office to work doubly hard today as I have no associate. Focus Shreddy, survive the June 15th deadline and visit Estonia and Latvia. Starve in Estonia & eat in Latvia.

Cigarettes and Women - Part 2

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I had to work briefly at a clients office in the centre of the tourist part of town. While travelling to my client's office from my parking spot I decided to do a quick spot check of which women look sexier, women who smoke or women who don't smoke.

First woman I see, a six footer, slim and smoking.

Next two women I see, a pear and a grotesque apple. Did not see them smoking.

Fat bingo hall woman. Saw her smoking.

Two sexy young women, both smoking

Half a dozen early 20s fat pears, none smoking.

Other than the bingo hall fat woman, all things being equal women who smoke are sexier than women who do not smoke.



I look at pictures from the good old days 50 years ago when everybody smoked. Compared to the people today, the people of 50 years ago looked fabulous. The men tucked in their shirts and used belts to keep their pants up. The women had hourglass figures or banana figures. Apples and pears were rare.

I hate the anti-smoking movement. I think they are intrusive douche bags. Cigarettes are legal, the Crown levies a tax which should be a license to smoke on the Crowns property, cigarettes don't smell that bad. The grossest thing about cigarette smoking is the indignant acts of militant anti smokers blowing the smell out of proportion.

Generally the militant anti-smoker is a fat pig. Next time I see a fat pig complain about cigarettes I will lecture them about Aristotle and the notions of authority.

I will let them know that I find looking at their fat non-smoking body deeply offensive.

That I would not feel comfortable with children looking at the fat bitchy non-smoker, thinking it is OK to mindlessly gorge themselves.

I will give the righteous ass a piece of my mind.

Maybe they will lose some weight and show that they can hold themselves and their bodies to some form of ideal before they go out in public again.

I am almost seeing a body stratification taking place in society amongst people.

5% - Genetic condition giving them a metabolic process to keep them thin.

10% - Can stay slim without cigarettes using great discipline. (I am in this group)

85% - Will either gorge or smoke themselves to death. Either way their life expectancy is basically the same. (I used to belong to this group).

The more I think about it, the more I feel that the near eradication of cigarette smoking in North America was a Pyrrhic victory. We got a reduction in one set of problems, lung and throat cancers. We democratized a whole new set of problems, Type II diabetes, hip and mobility disorders and created a new cohort of people, the morbidly obese.

Back when people looked fabulous, children looked fabulous too. Fat kids were almost unknown. Who had time to get fat when they were always busy running to the corner store to buy cigarettes for the grown ups.

England vs the USA

A follow up to homophobia all of a sudden becoming so uncool.

I have been doing a brief survey amongst my friends and clients. Men only. When I admit to them that if I had six shots of scotch whiskey in me and I was given the choice between a go with David Beckham or Victoria Beckham I would be tossing my gold coin of indecision. After six shots of scotch either would be fine by me.

What was shocking was of the guys that I have presented the scenario of six shots of scotch and who would you have a go with?

More than two two one said David.

Thank goodness Becks is not playing for England, he would be to distracting for the team.

Now if only the United Kingdom could field a United Football Federation....

Designing a Pull Up Bar

I have a primary pull up bar in my basement of the home where I live. My pull up bar is named after a former girlfriend who was a very good influence on me. I have a secondary pull up bar installed in my bed canopy frame. This bar does not have a name, but people do refer to my bed as Mario's Jungle Gym. For two thirds of my life, my ability to do pull ups is covered. Anytime at my home if the mood strikes me, I can do a set of pull ups. If I wake up in the middle of the night I can do supine rows in my own bed. If I want to escape the Bridezilla tripe being pumped into my house I turn on Oasis and do pull ups.

When I first started doing pull ups I viewed the pull up bar as a tool. However I have come to realize that my two pull up bars are much more than tools, they are environments.

My primary bar is attached to the main support stringer of my home. It is covered with oleo rosin grip tape and has a wide free span underneath. It is far more than a tool, it is an environment that allows Shreddy to harmonize and achieve singularity with the inner ape. The grip tape allows the aluminum tube to behave like a tree limb, the free horizontal span gives me the latitude to swing like an ape. It is an environment where I can subject my body to gravitational and rotational forces in a controlled manner that are almost impossible to replicate unless one was an ape swinging from the forest canopy. My primary pull up bar bears primary cause for the body that I currently inhabit.

I have rented a significantly larger office so I can have a pull up bar at work. It has a gorgeous high ceiling dormer with a view of the Olympic mountains that is quite stunning. I have an engineering challenge ahead of me in trying to recreate the environment that I have with my primary pull up bar. Creating an environment that mimics the forest canopy. That is the crux of my engineering challenge in that I do not have a main support stringer for the anchor point. Any point of suspension for the office bar cannot interfere with my body motion arcs.

I want to start showing others my compound body exercises that have turned the body of the Pillsbury Boy into the form I currently inhabit. I want to create a space where friends of mine can say:

"Damn you Gallagher brothers, I cannot afford a mountain of cocaine"

Then send them up the bar and teach them the full body Union Jack.

Bridezillas - To Have Her Day What Would She Marry?

For starters I am not a drone paying for a Bridezilla orgy.

I have cable television in my house and because of that I have Bridezilla tripe pumped into my home by the cable company 24/7. Every channel I turn to there is some fat young rapacious feminine monster engaged in an act of plunder that made the Huns look like lightweights. For this gross violation of my personal space, the cable company robs my bank account in excess of $100 per month.

I look closely at the Bridezillas on TV and the drones that they are dragging down the isle. The Bridezillas as a general rule are expansive hyphenated Canadians. The grooms are slighter, more docile and look like they are the future customers of gay escort services. Grotesque Golliwog Gargantuas & Goofy Gay Guys.

Who else but a goofy gay gay would go down the isle with a grotesque Golliwog Gargantua?

Maybe its time to phone the cable company and have them yank the idiot box feed out of my home.

The Dirty M Word - Monogamous

If the word monogamous was such a desirable state, why then does the word sound like a venereal disease? Say the word slowly, and it sounds hideous.

Is it natural? None of the other apes practice it other than Homo Sapiens.

Is it healthy? I see people going monogamous together and growing fat.

Does anybody really benefit from something that is unnatural and unhealthy?

Patience - To Excede a Dare One Bides Their Time

Dares are fun. It's great when you have someone who is sure you cannot or will not do something, then you do it. It is totally awesome when you exceed it.

A Bosanka dares me to go to Belgrade and just come back in one piece. I go to Belgrade, decide to do something dangerous and stupid (urban hunting), and I come back in one piece with a souvenir that will remind me for the rest my life that I exceeded my dare. The Bosanka knows I am at least an order of magnitude worse than she had previously imagined.

I issued an open dare, and will be living it until the fall equinox. Paint your toenails with the flag of the tribe that in your opinion shags the best, let women that ask know why your toes are painted, and if they meet your lowest shag threshold offer them your body. Living in Chicktoria where the women outnumber the men three to one, having an icebreaker (painted toes), and a reason is the recipe for fun. I finally had the chance to use the Four Deadliest Words of Seduction in perfect Russian. I now have to explain to my Croatian friends that the little toes are not flying the flag of Serbia as there is no double eagle is on them.

I have had to allow for an exception to my no sex with female friends rule as it would be disrespectful to not allow a woman to defend her tribes reputation. It was during an exception that one of my dearest friends showed me she had way bigger balls (a metaphor) than I have. Timing and place are everything, and I was broadsided by something that did not exist in my subset of possibilities. She then issued me my second dare, to tell the first woman that asks me what I do for a livelihood that "I am a Man Whore". This dare is dangerous as it is against the law to misrepresent oneself as a lawyer.

For the last three weeks I have been avoiding situations where I might get asked by a woman what I do for a living. If I meet people at a cocktail party, I am usually at one of my clients homes or offices and I am introduced to people as their accountant. If I meet a woman and start chatting with her because she stopped me to ask where I get my nails done, I find a way of telling them that I am an accountant.

I am not going to allow the opportunity to show my friend that I have great big balls (a metaphor) pass by. To greatly exceed Dare #2, I intend to get the woman who asks me what I do for a living to willingly part with her money. Then I will have another trophy to place alongside the one I collected in Belgrade. A monkey tail that the Chimpee brought the Silverback. It needs a framed Prime Minister Borden on the wall.

The times they are a changing.

Murphy's Law

Just when everything seems to be going right, a monkey wrench comes out of nowhere.

Some careless jerk ran a red light today and took out my associate five days before the tax filing deadline. Luckily he was not severely injured and he will make a full recovery. I have to find a way of doing 180 hours of work in under 116 hours.

If I could pay someone to sleep for me. If I could pay someone to eat for me.

To hell with nonsense. There is always Turkish coffee.

I would do almost anything for a cigarette about now.

Cigarettes and Women

Funny thing that I noticed about European women that smoke. As a general rule they are sexier than North American women that do not smoke.

In Europe the average woman that smokes has an hourglass or banana body type. In North America the average woman that does not smoke is an apple or a pear body type.

There are some attractive North American women that do not smoke, but when I examine them closely, in 9 out of 10 instances they have to approach diet or exercise with total fanaticism to fight against Mother Nature's desire to make them look like the typical North American woman.

Of my last ten notches on the bedpost, eight are smokers and two are non-smokers. Guess what, the smokers are prettier. Some might accuse me of a bias against pretty women who are non-smokers, but what can I do? They are too busy slaving to keep the weight off to have any time for me, or anyone else. Do I offer to buy them a new water resistant heart monitor for a shag?

I am a non smoker. I hate Hitler. I cannot stand anti-cigarette Nazis. Europe experienced first hand what the father of the anti-smoking movement did. I wonder was North America's success at almost eradicating smoking a Pyhrric Victory?

The Union Jack's Evolution - The Role of Oasis

I have a morning ritual. I go downstairs to my room with my horizontal grip bar, put a video by the British Band from Manchester, Oasis on YouTube. I start by watching the video and placing my hands on my horizontal grip bar and adjusting my grip with subtle hand and finger shifts to the beat during the first 15 to 45 seconds of the video. When I feel my grip is just right I say my mantra:

"Damn you Gallagher brothers, I cannot afford a mountain of cocaine."

Then I do my full body Union Jack. It requires three points of contact with the feet being higher than the head. They are achieved during the two torso twists for St. Andrew's Cross, and the straight leg tuck for the top point of St. George's cross. The object of this exercise is control. I had only crossed the strength threshold to perform a Union Jack two months ago. Four full directional torso twists while returning or maintaining a sternum chin up, without touching the ground is something that most of the bulky muscular guys at the gym cannot do. They are just not strong enough relative to their body weight.

I was initially anticipating to be working on core isolation by lengthening the duration of the exercise. However something is pulling me towrds enhancing the size and scope of St. Andrew's Cross. I bring my body down from the sternum control position and while hanging with my centre of gravity dramatically pulled towaards the corner of St. Andrew's Cross I do an additional body twist and reach further. For the top corners of St. Andrew's Cross, I find myself shifting my centre of gravity again further out and the exercise evolving into using the full body to achieve St. Andrew's cross versus just the legs. The additional twists and reaches are tightening my body core better than the ab isolation would.

Once I have a competent photographer available, I will post the photos of the exercise.

Pissed Off By The Truth

Nothing pisses me off more than an uncomfortable truth.

Everybody knows about Inconvenient Truths, scientific hoaxes such as Man Made Global Warming that are fabricated by human parasites that desire more flesh from society to satiate their wants. Uncomfortable Truths are those that remind you how near your goals are and how one's own intention is the only thing holding you back.

The uncomfortable truth that used to make me go ballistic was the Bow-Flex commercials. How using a bow flex machine for 20 minutes a day 3 times a week and you can have a body where as a man you, Look Forward to Taking Your Shirt Off. The Bow-Flex Grandpa in the rock bad, pissed me off more than Al Gore ever could because Al Gore was spouting Inconvenient Truths (fabricated hoaxes), and the Bow-Flex grandpa was spouting an Uncomfortable Truth (you have the power to change and at this moment you choose not to).

The Bow-Flex commercials piss people off because the truth about how close the average human being is from the body they dream of does not sit well with the typical overweight North American stuffing their face in front of the television. Two small lifestyle changes, and the apple or pear sitting in a lazy boy chair can have the dream body.

What the Bow-Flex ads neglect to tell the viewer is that 90% of having a body like the Bow-Flex commercials is diet, while 10% is exercise. The secret to getting a body to look like the shirtless wonders from the Bow-Flex ads is fat reduction. One can have the most amazing musculature and have it all obscured by a layer of subcutaneous fat. You test a human being for fatiness by looking at the muscle seperation in the abdominal region. These are the numbers as best I know them for men.

Body fat < 20% = Rectus Abdominus muscles separated from the obliques
Body fat < 15% = Six Pack Abs
Body fat < 12% = Eight Pack Abs
Body fat < 10% = Ten pack Abs assuming your torso is long enough

Do your sit ups, lose some fat and who needs an exercise machine?

The Flag of England Is....

Not the Union Jack.

It is Saint George's Cross.

What has become of our nation that the Average Canadian has no clue as to what is the flag of England?

Has Canada gone to the Golliwogs?

Professionals Dropping Client Lists

What makes a professional share his client list with others? Are they so insecure that people question their competence that they have to mark pages as confidential exhibits, and list who they have talked business with?

I do not share my client list. Even if I have instructions from my client that it is OK to tell people I represent them, I apply it only on a specific case basis. Then only grudgingly, in as vague a manner as possible. I have found just providing my office address for relevant time periods in question would suffice.

Something just does not sit right when a professional takes money from a client, promises to protect their privacy, and then to either make themselves look good, or protect their ass they violate their client.

I guess the cheapest whores of all are those that went to graduate school.

Eyes Wide Open - Looking for Lesbians part 2

I have ruled out having to deal with a Bridezilla Monster in my attempts to become a biological father.

I want a child in my life. I do not want to have a child with a rapacious sociopath named Bridezilla. I cannot gestate a fertilized egg myself (I wish I could). I do not have the financial means yet for a surrogacy scenario, and by the time I could afford the scenario, I would be too old.

There is still one heterosexual woman alternative and it just does not sit right with me, and that is the sperm donor route for a woman who wants to go alone. Why doesn't the woman who is contemplating going it alone find a fellow who pays attention and listens, who is looking for someone to support him, give him the money to buy a her diamond engagement ring, and have a Bridezilla Day. Raising a child properly takes two or three parents. Maybe if they had the experience of taking care of an adult male who listens, they might come to their senses and realize motherhood is not in their cards.

What qualities am I looking for for the perspective mothers of a child I want? I don't have my small lower brain interfering with clear thought, so the chance to actually arrive at a sane rational choice is appealing. The mothers I am looking for:

1> Must be legally married - I would want my child growing up in a stable two parent home.

2> Both must have family roots on either Vancouver Island or the Lower Mainland of BC - The two mothers would have custody and guardianship of my child. If they have set up roots in Lotus land, they are unlikely to leave and take my child with them.

3> No Vegans, Vegetarians or Food Faddists - I would want the child gestating normally, and I do not want a slow witted vegetarian. Mother nature has made smart animals that eat meat, and stupid animals that don't eat meat whose lot in life is to be eaten by the meat eaters.

4> The mother that I would be sharing DNA with has to be healthy. I have been ill with a flu during 1995, and before that 1976. I have an incredible immune system and if the mother had an incredible immune system, chances are that there would be a child with an incredible immune system.

5> The mother that I would be sharing DNA with has to be hardwired for longevity. The greatest gift we could give a child is a long life. A heterosexual woman would be so fixated on her Bridezilla Day orgy that it wouldn't matter if her ticket to plunders family only lived to their early 60s. A lesbian would put her child first.

6> The mothers would have to agree to me having a role in the child's life and my name on the birth certificate. I would have parental responsibilities and parental rights. The lesbian pair that are prepared to share in parenting can get the genes from a 45 year old man that is 99th percentile core & upper body strength, 98th percentile IQ, hardwired for longevity with Rasputin's constitution. If a pair don't want to share parenting with me, they could always find some skinny gay young man and give him $20 for a petri dish of his sperm.

7> The Mothers have to agree to a three person conception with me NOT penetrating the biological mother. I don't want to do anything that would lead me to develop a stronger attachment to one mother over the other.

8> If the child is male, he is baptized a Roman Catholic with my heretic assistant as the Godmother. This one I am certain would be the easiest sell to a wedded pair of Lesbians. If the child is male and Catholic, he becomes the head of the Brkanjci Clan. To have the potential of my young heretic assistant as a godmother, I suspect 95% of Canada's lesbians would agree to a child being baptized Catholic. Naturally if the biological mother is Jewish, my child would be a Jew, and instead of preparing them for possible clan leadership, I would instead be making sure they were IDF ready by age 18.

How will I find the right mothers? I could be looking for four women as I would like two children so there would be a sibling relationship if possible. My gut tells me it will be a three prong strategy with either or a combo of:

1> Play Professor Jane & find the lesbians myself.

2> Place a personal ad in a lesbian publication.

3> Trust a matchmaker, either a mutual friend or a professional.

to be continued:

Eyes Wide Open - Looking for Lesbians

My biological clock is screaming. There is nothing in the world I want more than to see a little pink hand of my biological child. Having an acceptance of the 21st century's new sexual mores allows me to see beyond the traditional straitjacket route to fatherhood. I have actively started to look for the potential mothers of my potential biological child. I am looking for the right two lesbians.

After seeing a little pink hand that belongs to me. The next most priceless thing I would like to see would be the look on the eyes of my mother's clan of Herzegovians when they finally had a child of mine that they would have no choice but to acknowledge. What puzzles me about Herzegovians is how on one hand they run around like Charismatic Christians with their Medugorje Apparitions of the Virgin Mary, yet they refuse to recognize children by adoption. Maybe what they need is a grandchild of immaculate conception.

Mostly Straight

"The right guy, the right day, a few beers and who knows". (Charles M. Blow, Editorial Correspondent, the New York Times)

The fastest growing self-identifying group of men are those that describe themselves as mostly straight. They are comfortable with being heterosexual, and they feel comfortable that they could have an attraction to an attractive man without any repressed feelings to cause inner conflict. Queer bashing has become uncool as it is now generally accepted that homophobia is nothing more than repressed homosexuality. Men are starting to be comfortable with the spectrum of gray.

A month ago I thought I was risqué by publishing my personal homo erotic fantasies

The soft one, being a Straight Ambassador from the Planet Physique on the English Bay Swim Team's Pride Float dressed as a fetish cowboy in my beaked opera mask, flaunting my physique to an adoring crowd.

The dirty one, crashing a Bridezilla's wedding, getting to second base with Bridezilla's Prince in the bathroom during the wedding reception George Michael style, videotaping it on my cellphone and sending the video to Bridezilla's cellphone the next day after breakfast.

Just last week the New York Times published an article saying that amongst men aged 18 to 49, my thoughts are completely normal.

Five or six shots of scotch whiskey, and most men would probably find David Beckham far more attractive than the average 35 year-old North American woman. I know I would;)

Worse than Men?

When I was married, I hated going to public places with my at that time wife. If a woman who she thought was prettier than her crossed our path, I would get hell. I used to think to myself;

"You bitch. I did not ask that younger woman to cross my path. If you want to go to a public place with me how about I wear a blindfold, so you don't have to play the Evil Queen from Snow White."

Given a choice of going anywhere with my soon to be ex wife, or being tortured by Laverenti Beria himself, I would take the torture by Beria as at least there would be some logic behind the brutality.

Yesterday was the sunniest warmest day of 2010 thus far and I decided to spend a good part of it doing my favourite pastime, people watching. I still have two open dares to contend with so I chose an area that was light on the locals and full of American tourists. I got dressed in my urban Lady Jane outfit, 31 inch Armani Exchange skinny fit jeans, Oakley flip flops, Oakley Gascans, a white cotton undershirt and Blingzilla (my gold chain). I made sure that my satchel contained condoms and Viagra (in case of Dare #2) and off I went.

My game was simple. Cross the paths of tourist couples watch the eyes of the female of the pair. See if the female of the pair has a wandering eye. Assess whether the female of the pair had more of a wandering I than I did when I was married. I also observed the reactions of the male of the pair if their mates eyes wandered. What I found was surprising. The women as a general rule had worse wandering eyes than I ever had. What was more surprising was that the American men did not seem to care. Had the shoe been on the other foot, their wives would have given them hell for the mere fact that a younger, prettier woman had crossed their path.

Is their a double standard at play?

Would American baby boomer men be just as soon be rid of their wives?

Were the American men checking out Shreddy?

Are women more opportunistic by nature than men could ever be?

The Deadly Oakley Dare - Update

Expect the unexpected and be prepared to live for the moment.

I expected a ruthless Russian or a savage Swede to be the first to attempt an act of aggression against Finland's colours. Out of nowhere came France.

I now have a higher level of respect for the late Pope John Paul II. A patriotic Polish pixie who is pretty and has pride in her people, painted over Finland. My toe pinkie now states that a Pole is the best of all.

Painted toes on a man catch a woman's attention. Looking at a man from head to toe lets them know they are looking at a once in a lifetime body.

Grrrrr.

Canada's Shame - Is Bridezilla to Blame?

As a Canadian we share the shameful distinction of being the most heavily indebted people on an individual basis in human history. We are more indebted on the household basis than the Icelandic people before their economy that collapsed. We are more indebted on a household basis than the USA before their property bubble burst. We are more indebted than the Brits when they thought that the secret to prosperity was trading property amongst one another. We are more indebted than the South Koreans who have a tendency to snap and go postal when the debt burden is too heavy to bear. We are the global disgrace.

Let us find a convenient scapegoat.

A rapacious vile animal whose greed and sociopath nature knows no bounds.

It is time to blame Bridezilla. A rapidly expanding monstrosity that is hauling a drone down an isle in a festival that annihilates her parents financial security. A self-centred bitch that lives for the moment she can force her friends to endure a day of wearing the most humiliating frocks.

Canadian television used to be known for its comedy. Now Canadian television is most famous for Bridezilla shows.

I remember the first time I really noticed the Bridezilla phenomenon over 20 years ago. A Bridezilla had a young law associate with a very prestigious firm. She had her pageant. He had a taste for young hairless chested Filipino men. She had her moment of glory and shortly thereafter he left her for a guy.

The next time it really stood out was my late business partner. He had a Bridezilla to be and he was unfaithful to his finance. He admitted his infidelity, and wanted to scrap the wedding. Bridezilla to be had none of that. My business partner was not going to ruin her day. Her father had a talk with my friend and flat out told him that if he cheated between then and Bridezilla day to deny cheating and to treat it as a gimme. My friend cheated again during the honeymoon. The marriage lasted less than a month. She looked like a fool.

The best one that pops to mind was the Elementary School principal from Vancouver. A brown skinned hyphenated Canadian Bridezilla that was marrying a brown skinned hyphenated Canadian. It was a massive Ismali Muslim celebration that cost over $100,000. Five days after the Bridezilla ceremony was over, the hyphenated brown skinned Canadian stabbed her to death. Before the scoundrel could be brought to justice and Canadians be made aware that hyphenated brown skinned Canadians do not as a general rule treat women as well as non-hyphenated white skinned Canadians. He hanged himself.

A day of rapacious self aggrandizement. Is this why Canadians are the most in hock people in history? All one needs to do is watch several episodes of the Canadian TV series "Till Debt Do Us Part" to realize that Bridezilla Day does not cure them.

Finally, A Body That is Good Enough to Get Killed In

I did it, I lost 100 pounds over seven years and kept it off. I started as a 38 year old 260 pound fat guy that was living in a 50 year old nearly worn out body. I was the Michelin Man.

I am about to turn 45 and now I inhabit a 160 pound lean, muscular body that is maybe 30 years old at most. Do I now live in a lead dancer's body? Is it an underwear models body? Is it a gymnast's body?

One thing is for certain with this body my soul resides in.........

It will be the centre of attention at a small funeral celebrating my life, before it will ever be, a Bridezilla Monster's ticket to plunder.

A funny thing I noticed about the new home that I built for my soul to reside in, this new home is nowhere near it's physical peak.

Time to kick the training up a notch to get the body ready for the next great adventure.

The Superstars of Shag

I am writing about ultra-high end call girls, the ultimate superstars of shag. If you are a mogul, star athlete, rock star, dignitary or a dirty boy with specific tastes and a bankroll to get you there, you can shag them. When you are done with her you send her away and if you feel like it, shag another one. Some of them have attained true superstar status. The most famous are the Bulgari Twins, who offer the rich dirty boy the experience of being torn apart by two man-eaters that were at one time a singular life. Charlie Sheen had them appear as guest stars on the show "Two and a Half Men". one would assume that Charlie Sheen shagged them too or is the correct word two?

Are the services of a Superstar of Shag worth it?

If one subjects it to an objective analysis, when compared to an average woman the Superstars of Shag are a bargain. For a man they represent a prudent allocation of limited resources. In Tom Cruise's breakout film "Risky Business" he explained the economics of a prostitute versus the economics of dating a woman. When the pros and cons were objectively analyzed, the moral of the story was only fools bother to date.

How much are the services of a Superstar of Shag? A good friend of mine was torn apart by the Bulgari Twins, the price $3,000 USD for one hour. For the night their services are available for $20,000 USD. When I asked my friend were they worth it? He said the experience was worth every penny, they provided a memory that when he is on his death bed, he will have the smile in his eyes knowing he shagged the Bulgari Twins.

How much do people normally pay for sex? Just ask anyone who has had a divorce how much did each shag wind up costing them.

A House in Vancouver = $1,000,000+ Dollars

Time for a house to become a martial home = 1 year if married/2 if living together

Times having sex per year = 100

Quality of sex = Several orders of magnitude below what the Bulgari Twins could do.

If split occurs after two years, someone can take 1/2 million dollars worth of equity tax free.

Price per 10 minute shag with a woman who cannot compare with the Bulgari Twins = $2,500

Cost per hour of The Bulgari Twins = $3,000

Cost per hour of house thief = $15,000

Go Figure.

Estonia or Bust

I had this notion that I was going to peak at age 45 and plateau. Barring getting killed in the next month, I was totally mistaken. I have been setting new lifetime personal bests in both core and upper body strength in the last week and in both instances I have exceeded my previous mark by greater than 10%. Either I am possessed, and/or I am nowhere near peaking.

Something is pulling me through pain barriers better than my pink opera mask. It is this romanticized image of Estonia. A land where the food must be terrible. Boiled eggs and herring, where people don't eat and look fabulous as a result.

I have a new short term goal. Starve myself to Estonia.

If I am under 72.5KG by my birthday. I am going to Estonia.

Maybe one needs a rapacious woman in their life, to keep one from having the means to go off on random adventures?