Focus

If for the next seven months I can limit my thoughts to either being monosyllabic or bisyllabic, I am certain I can make the roster for the Gorging Dragons Racing Team Crew Cup World Championship attempt.

Reach longer.

Catch harder.

Pull harder.

Improve timing.

Push past limits.

Set new limits.

Reset limits again.

Attend practice.

Show up first.

Don't smoke.

Paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle and more paddle.

Either my motivation is coming from my heart or I am slowly losing my mind. Hopefully both:-)

Time to Throw the Parents of Fat Children in Jail

There is an epidemic of child neglect/abuse going on. Mothers and fathers from Generation X and Generation Y have abdicated their parental obligations and have been poisoning their children. If a child is overweight and develops Type II Diabetes, why are the parents not being punished for the crime that they have committed?

The little fat child does not provide for itself. The fat little child does not make the ultimate choice as to what food is brought for its feeding as the fat little child does not earn the money to buy the food.

Listening to nutrition experts has brought us to the point that the majority of children are overweight or obese. What is wrong with stressing unrealistically thin expectations?

Wouldn't it be better than young girls learn to go hungry to have figures like girls? Has fat acceptance gone so far that it is now acceptable to kill one's own child with kindness?

Curing childhood obesity would be easy. All it requires is the will to do it.

1> Weigh in all the children in the country.

2> For every child that is very obese, or diagnosed with Type II diabetes the parents names get entered in a lottery.

3> For every 10,000 very obese or nutritionally diabetic children a random draw is made of the parents of these kids.

4> If the parents name is drawn, throw the parents into a provincial jail for a sentence not to exceed one year and a minimum of 3 months.

5> Let the parent out of jail at the end of the three months if they are willing to serve their parole time nutrition coaching parents of other fat children. If the parent is unwilling to coach, leave them in the provincial jail where they can remain the bottom convicts on the totem pole for the remainder of the year.

Can anyone think of a better alternative? How about providing free cigarettes to any obese child over the age of 6 and making it a criminal offence to interfere with the child's desire to be thin?

Setting New Comfort Zones - Tryouts for the Gorging Dragons Part 2

What to name the new office pull up bar?

My first pull up bar provides a 60" horizontal free span and is 42" above the horizontal surface of my mattress. I named it Jungle Jim and it is built into the canopy of my four poster bed. Before I was strong enough to do a pull up I would practice single repetition supine rows. In addition I was able to perform a variant of the penitentiary narrow grip towel pull up from a supine row position. It is a relic from my past when things I would consider unimaginable today were part of the norm in my life.

My second pull up bar is the one in my basement is named after a former girlfriend Ana who was a positive influence on me and opened my eyes. She helped me break free of a bad marriage. While we are no longer an item, naming my home pull up bar after her reminds me of how she was the woman who helped set my spirit free. This pull up bar is attached to the main support beam of my home and has a 68" horizontal free span underneath. As it is structurally attached, it allows me the capability to safely perform directional torso twists, pikes and tucks. However it is just shy of full extension height so there is a requirement to bend the knees if one wants to stretch the latissius dorsi muscles properly.

My third pull up bar is seriously bad ass. Six feet horizontal span, 1 5/16" diameter attached to the main structural beams of my office. If I follow naming conventions Jungle Jim (masculine), Ana (feminine), my third pull up bar should have a masculine name. The purpose of this bar is to break my old notions of what comfort was and to establish new ones. He is full height installed in a dormer in my office with a highest point being over three meters above the ground. I need to name him after a serious bad boy who has earned my respect.

Pull up bar #3
Heads Arkan, Tails Tito

I christen thee Arkan

Breaking my comfort zone every day
Keeps Poppin Fresh Puffin Stale safely away

Today was a lifetime first. I let go of one of my hands at the top of a pull up and re grasped the bar with the hand in the chin up position.

Setting New Comfort Zones - Tryouts for the Gorging Dragons

(We start of where we left of last time. Bogdan the Master of Disguise for the Pink Panthers the World's Foremost Gang of Jewell Thieves from the Serbian city of Nis and Dame Jane Morris Goodall the world's foremost expert on primate behavior are hidden in an observation blind along the Selkirk waterway in scenic Victoria, BC. They are using binoculars to observe Bogdan's friend Shreddy trying out for the Crew Cup World Championship roster of the Gorging Dragons dragon boat racing team)

(Lady Jane notices another dragon boat pull up alongside the Gorging Dragon's boat. The other boat has eight rows of paddlers, the Gorging Dragons boat has six rows of paddlers. The boats stop next to each other and are motionless)

LADY JANE - "Bogdan, put out the joint and watch this. It appears that the two boats are about to race one another."

BOGDAN - "Sorry Lady Jane, I just was sampling some of the fine herbal remedies available in this beautiful town. I heard that smoking weed can help prevent ovarian cancer."

LADY JANE - "Being a man can absolutely make one immune to ovarian cancer. Don't act silly Bogdan."

BOGDAN - "Actually I was being philosophical. Polar bears etched on diamonds prevents the rape of little girls in Africa."

LADY JANE - "And I have a penis and wings. Any demand for jewelery diamonds leads to the rape of little girls in Africa and the destruction of chimpanzee habitat. Claiming that using marijuana so you can avoid ovary cancer is grasping at straws to justify its use. Why can't you just come out and feel comfortable with getting high making you feel better."

BOGDAN - "I have a confession to make Lady Jane. I have a crush on you and I have had one since I was a child in Chicago. While all the other boys had posters of Farrah Fawcett in a red swimsuit, I had photos of you wearing khaki with your hair up in a ponytail adorning the walls of my bedroom."

LADY JANE - "Well I am flattered. Both Shreddy & you having crushes on me even though I am in my late 70s. Why don't the two of you develop crushes on women that are more age appropriate for you. I do not have many years left ahead of me."

BOGDAN - "It's the Bloodstone Barrier. It is very hard finding a younger woman that does not desire a Bloodstone. There seems to be something seriously wrong with North American women whereby they go about evaluating their self worth on the basis of how many little girls were raped and mutilated on their behalf in Africa."

LADY JANE - "From what I have heard, you have enough diamonds to buy an African country for the chimpanzees."

BOGDAN - "We had enough Bloodstones to make a statement. However one of Shreddy's aunt's flock of chickens developed an intestinal parasite, so we had the diamonds crushed and mixed with the chicken food to cure the parasitic ailment. A billion Euros worth of Bloodstones have ceased to exist."

LADY JANE - "There are some younger women in North America who are not deluded sociopaths. All it will take is some effort on yours and Shreddy's part to find them. Anyhow the boats are starting to race."

(Bogdan and Lady Jane turn their attention to the binoculars and the two boats start racing. The boat with eight rows of paddlers gets off to a faster start. Within 100 meters they are almost a boat length ahead of the Gorging Dragons. On the other boat a few heads turn and Lady Jane notices some smiles on the faces of the other crews. On the Gorging Dragon's boat not a single paddlers head turns all remain clearly focused on the paddler ahead of them. By the 200 meter mark the two boats are neck in neck.)

LADY JANE - "It appears that the Gorging Dragon's discipline is about to pay off. One of the women's colleges at Cambridge decided to flash their breasts at the Oxford crew one year during the Oxford Cambridge race but to no avail. That year the Oxford eights were primarily comprised of Eaton old boys and the breasts had no effect. I am noticing your friend Shreddy's technique is improving."

BOGDAN - "It should be as he is practicing on the water five days a week and other forms of training on top of his paddling six days a week."

LADY JANE - "The Gorging Dragons boat won the 250 meter race by a boat length. They are quite the impressive crew."

(On the Gorging Dragons boat there is nothing but silence. Shreddy is leaning over the side and vomiting into the Gorge waterway and this is attracting a flock of seagulls. Lady Jane notices that one of the female crew members is putting her life jacket over her head.)

BOGDAN - "Grrrr. That is one beautiful woman trying to avoid the seagull poop."

LADY JANE - "I noticed she is not wearing a wedding ring. If she is single, why don't you ask her out."

BOGDAN - "I would however she is a rostered crew member. If I asked her out and I subsequently wind up breaking her heart, Shreddy would cut my testicles off."

LADY JANE - "That sounds somewhat extreme."

BOGDAN - "If any of my actions resulted in the boat slowing down, that would be the end of my testicles."

LADY JANE - "Your friend must have his heart completely into the Gorging Dragons."

BOGDAN - "That he does, otherwise how do you think he could have possibly survived this long"

Soundly Defeated by a Woman - Tryouts for the Gorging Dragons

After last Sundays practice for the Gorging Dragons Dragon Boat Racing Team, I had the honour of being thrashed soundly in pull ups by a woman.

I was good for three chin ups, three full extension pull ups, and two narrow grip pull ups and I drop exhausted. Three sets required as I had just paddled for two hours.

Another Type A individual seeing what I had done performs 10 wide grip pull ups albeit in terrible form. They had just paddled for two hours.

Finally not to be undone, a female prospective paddler jumps to the bar and performs a set of fourteen wide grip pull ups in absolutely perfect form. She had just paddled for two hours.

No wonder I enjoy paddling with the Gorging Dragons. Type A personalities that can leave it behind at the dock and work as a team when they are on the dragon boat.

This afternoon my third pull up bar gets installed. This one is for my office. She is a beauty with a 72 inch clear span underneath for hanging oblique twists. She has a spectacular view of Washington State's Olympic Mountains, providing a clear image to focus my mind on, while holding gymnast pikes to the timing of Oasis songs. She has clear dormer space above her so there will be more opportunities to do suspended stretches where my feet are brought together in a ballet point to contact positions above my head. Underneath, soft carpeting with a thick underlay to cushion my inevitable falls.

If I can think I want a cigarette. I can now be doing pull ups instead.

Pull ups in my basement
Pull ups in my bed
Pull ups in my office
Pull ups in my head

Sometimes one needs a reminder of both how far they have come but more importantly how far they need to go. Life is a case of looking forward instead of looking back. My prospective crew mate reminded me on Sunday why I chose dragon boating over being a lightweight rower. It is more important to look where I am going than to rest on any laurels from where I have been.

Tonight another 3,500 to 5,000 strokes of the paddle. At least I can beat a Canada Goose in doing pull ups:-)

Time to Pull the Cable Television

From November of 1994 to the end of October of 1996, I made a brave step forward in my life. I decided to live without cable TV. I wasn't physically fit but I had time for activities and meeting people. I had the most beautiful flower garden of all of my neighbors, I discovered fishing, I had quality time to spend with my daughter building things together with our hands. Those were some of the best years of my life.

I met someone the other day who reminded me of one of the happiest times of my life. A time when my home was not infested with cable television. I am thinking that it is time again to pull the plug on cable television.

Getting Fast - Watching VCKC First Class Dragons Learn Quickly

An interesting thing happens when one's racing coach comes out to practice with you when you are trying out for an elite team. The practice nearly kills your coach.

The very next practice was interesting. The Gorging Dragons didn't send my coach to the paddlers Valhalla. Instead they sent him home with a body that was more punished than any time in the last decade, leaving him to tired to move but with a mind so active that he probably never slept. If the Gorging Dragons could teach Poppin Fresh Puffin Stale their stroke and start techniques so quickly........

VCKC First Class Dragons being a crew that is predominately comprised of Canada Post Letter Carriers should be able to learn the techniques more quickly than Poppin Fresh Puffin Stale.

Never under estimate a Postie.....

A package can be addressed in Arabic, and it makes it to its destination. Posties by their very nature are highly adaptable individuals.

The Gorging Dragons paddling technique requires a compound body motion that harnesses leg strength. VCKC First Class Dragons is dominated by female letter carriers. Women with very powerful legs.

In two practices our coach has managed to teach our team the basics of paddling in a manner of a Gorging Dragon, and starting similar to a Gorging Dragon. Yesterdays practice our crew managed to complete our fastest adjusted 500 meter time this year. Two paddlers light, against the tide, in a six-sixteen class dragon boat that does not have the proper anchor points to harness the crews quad muscles. Four more practices to perfect the technique... Then race day when the crew gets to race in millennium class dragon boats with leg anchor points.

Yesterday I promised my team that if we can break our team speed record on the 500 meters at the Victoria Dragon Boat Festival preliminary heats on Saturday the 14th, on Sunday the 15th I will race dressed as a sea nymph (drag racing). The greater the margin that we can establish a new speed record by, the racier the sea nymph is going to be...

One thing my coach didn't get a chance to experience is the Gorging Dragons finishing technique. How to come from behind and win the race in the final 50 meters. I now know exactly what I have to teach my team......

Paddling Five Days a Week

A funny thing starts happening when you paddle 5 days a week. You start to improve dramatically in paddling condition. If one drives the blade of their paddle into the water an average of 60 times per minute, and one does an hour and a half of paddling each workout, with two thirds of the time being active paddling. Three thousand six hundred plunges a workout, or eighteen thousand paddle strokes a week.

Maybe it is a prelude to my next incarnate form as a duck.

Tryouts For The Gorging Dragons - Everybody Cheers for the Underdog

Yesterday was surreal. I had a Juno Award winning bass player visit me at my office to discuss the issues of paddle timing and cross training possibilities that can provide me with an edge in another seven months when I sit down in a OC1 racing single seat outrigger canoe and show the Gorging Dragons that I am fit enough for the Crew Cup World Championship team roster.

He suggested that I learn how to play the bass guitar in a proper structured conservatory of music approach. His rational is that the flow of water under and around a dragon boat is basically music, which is a somewhat structured wave of energy. My paddle is like a bass guitar, having the potential to lead or follow timing. Yesterdays practice with the Gorging Dragons covered just that topic for me. How to adjust my timing from my paddling position based on clues from paddlers in the other rows and getting the feedback via my own paddle. What a case of Deja Vu.

Somehow I am getting the sense that people want Poppin Fresh Puffin Stale to succeed and become a Gorging Dragon. There are millions of Canadian adults trapped in the prison of obesity. I was fortunate enough to be given a second chance and be paroled from my body form jail. Somewhere, someone is reading this blog, and finding the inspiration to make changes into their life. Somewhere, someone who knows me personally is watching me persevere and getting reward with significant improvements in my bodies conditioning and finding inspiration. Somewhere, someone is taking their first baby steps to start to turn their life around.

The journey from Poppin Fresh Puffin Stale to an elite internationally competitive dragon boat racer is going to be a long one with many sacrifices. In Poppin Fresh Puffin Stale`s struggles people can see some of themselves and the need to face their own demons.

Ultimately I am starting to learn that as an underdog, people want you to win. The Quid Pro Quo for this wellspring of good will is as an underdog, you owe it to everybody that is hopeful for your success to show them that their hopes were not in vain.

I am an underdog. My duty to, everybody who is sending good will and encouragement, is to NEVER QUIT. Yesterday was a big day for me. For the first time, I was the first person to show up for practice. Now I intend to make sure that it stays this way.

A Prospective Gorging Dragon is a Glutton for Punishment

I have completed three practices with the Gorging Dragons Racing Team and I have not yet been able to convince myself that I am nuts.

The right side of my glutes feels like someone beat me with a piece of steel rebar. That it my pleasant reminder of Sunday's practice with the Gorging Dragons Racing Team where I paddled starboard side and the team had two 1000 Meter race pieces, with my greatest distance race piece previous to that being 500 Meters.

The left side of my glutes feels like someone beat them with a piece of steel rebar. That is my pleasant reminder of last night's practice with the VCKC First Class Dragons, my current dragon boat racing team. Yesterdays practice was our teams first try at applying some modification to our paddling techniques that I have been learning in the Gorging Dragons team tryouts. I paddle port side for my team and we have three weeks to get ready for our seasons big race.

I feel like a child that has crossed their Herzegovian mother.

Tonights practice with the Gorging Dragons provides me with a certainty. Either the left side of my glutes will feel worse than they currently feel, the right side of my glutes will feel worse than they currently feel or both sides of my glutes will feel worse than they currently feel. Whatever level of pain I am in, will get worse.

I am looking forward to tonights practice and I am reasonably certain that I am not completely insane. Something is pulling me back and it is not the prospect of membership with the Gorging Dragons Racing Team as that possibility, from where I ache, is a way too distant point in the future.

It is as if a tidal force is at play in my body and spirit. The Gorging Dragons represent the Sun. Their practice tears at the body and the spirit making the rational being in you want to quit. However there is a Moon, and she has a far stronger bearing at present on my bodies flow than the prospect of Gorging Dragon membership and that is The Dragon's Drug. The collective rush of the brains opioid endorphin that a group of paddlers in a dragon boat feel after the completion of a race piece.

In a week of studying the Gorging Dragons Racing team with the same inquisitive mind that Lady Jane Goodall would have brought to observing F Troupe in the Ghombi Reserve, I have been able to figure out only one absolute rule. Never Quit. Two simple words, that if one abides by them while on the dragon boat they get rewarded with a prize.

A 1000 Meter race piece is the compound body near equivalent of a 1500 meter run. You go all out for approximately four minutes.

After the first minute you feel like hell and you wish the pace would slow but the paddler ahead of you shows no sign of letting up so you keep going.

After two minutes your back is feeling as if someone is beating you with a piece of rebar, but the paddler behind you shows no sign of letting up and you feel the repeated whoosh of their forearm in the space where your back was as they are hinging along with you driving their paddle stroke so you keep going.

After three minutes the feeling is as if someone is driving a corkscrew into your hip. You wish the agony would just stop but you feel every breath the paddler that is opposite you takes. You know he or she feels as if their guts are going to spill out into the boat but they show no signs of letting up so you grit your teeth and push even harder.

After three minutes and forty-five seconds, you are a living ache and pain. Everything hurts, nothing makes sense, the coach calls out that it is time to release the Gorging Dragons secret weapon during their final sprint. Three strokes until a synchronized blood-lust sets in. You and the paddlers around you find a source of strength that you never knew was there, and as if at that moment the sea becomes your foe and you are determined to subdue it with your paddle. Twenty souls in isolation in a dragon boat gripped by a blood-lust to win. A berserker rage that continues until the command to stop paddling is issued.

Your paddle leaves the water and you are dumbfounded and speechless. Those around you are in the same condition. Then everyones brain starts to simultaneously release endorphin and the paddlers bodies start to loosen. The looks on everyones eyes are like those of a cobra hypnotized by a mirror as the paddlers bodies go loose. A sense of inner Euphoria hits but you are too tired to say a word. You have been caught by the dragon and she has rewarded you with her drug. A collective shared endorphin rush the likes that I have never felt before, and the likes of which I have never derived as much pleasure from before.

In my wild years as Poppin Fresh Puffin Stale I have been known to chase the dragon. Little did I know at the time was that the true object of life was to let the dragon finally catch you.

I have tried heroin. I have tried the Gorging Dragons collective endorphin rush. Speaking from experience, the collective endorphin rush is far stronger. I want the hardest drug I have ever encountered in my life and that is why I so look forward to practice tonight.

Why do I go out and punish my body? So I can get caught by a collective high.

Tryouts For The Gorging Dragons - What is in it For Them?

When one says to himself I will have what it takes to be one of the best. It hasn't happened yet but it is an abstract notion of what some future reality will be. Can I join Canada's top dragon boat racing team, the Gorging Dragons, the Montreal Canadians on water.

I know for their South Africa crew for 2004 the Gorging Dragons had an obese man that was living in a brand new athletes body.

They know for their 2012 Hong Kong crew they have an obese man that is living in a brand new athletes body trying out for them.

I must be doing something correctly as my moment of anticipation is after the practice when I find out if I have been asked to return for another training session.

What is in it for me?

1> If I can develop my paddling proficiency, my conditioning and adjust my attitude sufficiently, I can become a member of the Gorging Dragons Racing Team.

2> If I can make the cut, an unpaid year and a half day job of training, training and more training. No Sports Canada funding, living expenses as normal and training expenses to be incurred. Goodbye racing scull money. Goodbye rowing. Goodbye being a rower in a clubhouse full of women rowers. Goodbye being a rower with a therapeutic hydrothiazide exemption.

3> Improvement in conditioning. I am training on the water five days a week. I am training my core six days a week. When I wake up each morning my body is more alive than it was the day before.

4> It keeps my inner demons at bay. I live gripped in fear that the new body form that I reside in is just an illusion and a bad dream. That one moment I am going to wake up in the form I am used to, a 260 pound chain smoker. The punishing training sessions that the Gorging Dragons hold push my body, but they soothe my mind. As long as I can keep improving and training with them, I know Poppin Fresh & Puffing Stale become a more distant memory every paddle stroke.

What am I giving up?

1> My social life. Practice four weekdays a week. Practice early Sunday morning just to ensure one behaves oneself all weekend.

2> My sex life. I should have had a girlfriend before I asked to tryout. Then all it would have required is the effort to try to maintain a relationship. However I don't have a girlfriend. I don't have the time to find a girlfriend outside of the paddling community as I am always paddling or recovering from paddling. I can't use the fact that single female paddlers see me hanging around with the Gorging Dragons, to try to get into the single female paddlers pants. Until the Gorging Dragons tell me to go away, I am living in a self-imposed seminary.

What is in it for the Gorging Dragons?

1> A fat man who refuses to quit.

2> A fat man who refuses to complain.

3> A fat man that reminds all the rostered members that they have accomplished something as they watch Poppin Fresh gritting his teeth and going through the same ordeal that they all went through.

4> A fat man that is learning every technique that they are teaching him so that he can bring the knowledge he gained back to his competitive rec league dragon boat racing team and make the VCKC First Class Dragons faster.

Ultimately what draws me to the Gorging Dragons is their fiercely competitive nature that exists in the purest form that I have encountered. The Gorging Dragons want to see every boat on the Island get faster. If their competition is improving, it forces them to improve even more.

I suspect now that my first major test by the Gorging Dragons is going to be my current team. They will be watching and assessing what they taught me by watching the performance of my team. Will VCKC First Class Dragons improve? Will VCKC First Class Dragons use Gorging Dragons racing methodology? Will the Gorging Dragons see me in the bow of a dragon boat with a crew that is 2/3rds female motivating them to beat teams that have 60% male paddlers.

So far it appears what's in it for the Gorging Dragons Racing Team is watching a baby dragon be born and moulded in their team's image, as Poppin Fresh has a very long way to go until he has what it takes to be a Gorging Dragon.

My Dress Size is 8

I finally have found out the answer to the question that has been puzzling me for the last 6 months. I can fit into a North American size 8 dress.

If I was in Europe I would be wearing a size 12 as European sizing is 4 sizes larger than North American sizing.

Now there is a variation between labels, so the size 8 nightgown that I wore might be a size 10 nightgown for a different designer. If however I was prepared to spend an obscene amount on a nightie, I would probably be able to call myself a size 6.

There I have proven it, I can fit into at least one designers size 8.

At Least He Is Not Dinner - Tryouts for the Gorging Dragons

(We start with Bogdan the Master of Disguise from the Pink Panthers the World's Foremost Gang of Jewel Thieves from the Serbian City of Nis and Dame Jane Morris Goodall the world's foremost primatologist & behaviour expert hidden in an observation blind by the Selkirk Trestle along the Gorge waterway in scenic Victoria BC. They are hidden from view so that they can observe Bogdan's friend Shreddy trying out for the Gorging Dragons Racing Crew. Canada's most decorated dragon boating team, the Montreal Canadians on water.)

(Bogdan and Lady Jane both look through their binoculars and see a dragon boat with 20 paddlers and a tiller on board. At the second row from the back on the starboard side of the dragon boat is Shreddy. All the paddlers on command place their paddles in the water and lean forward. All of a sudden 20 paddlers start paddling in unison, their paddle strokes getting closer to complete synchronization with every stroke. The boat takes off.)

LADY JANE - "This reminds me of my undergraduate years when a few of the ladies that I roomed with made a road trip to Oxford to spy on their men's 8. What have you learned about dragon boat racing teams, are their any similarities to rowers?"

BOGDAN - "For starters this is a mixed team. There are women on board the crew with a requirement that a minimum of eight of the twenty paddlers be women. Also the boat goes forward and the paddlers see where they are going. The paddlers take their orders from the helmsman and they watch the front row of paddlers, known as the lead paddlers for their timing."

LADY JANE - "What animal's social structure is the most similar to a dragon boat racing team? Just by virtue of the women serving in an offensive capacity implies that their social structure differs from that of the chimpanzee."

BOGDAN - "They have a few characteristics of the African Hyena, but 95% of their behaviour patterns seem to be those of the African Wild Dog."

LADY JANE - "By extension, their characteristics would also match those of the Wolf or the Domesticated Dog that reverted to the feral state as they are one the same animal."

BOGDAN - "The one at the stern of the boat with the tiller is the Alpha Male."

LADY JANE - "Does he behave like a coxswain?"

BOGDAN - "Due to the nature of the sport he cannot get away with that form of behaviour. He is actually a pleasant fellow who motivates the team by setting an example for everyone."

LADY JANE - "Have you seen him blow a tantrum or wave a cricket bat around?"

BOGDAN - "No he does not use terror as a weapon. If you notice he is too large to be a coxswain. It's not like a men's heavy 8 where the coxswain needs to use a cricket bat to get his point across. Nobody is providing any form of financial consideration for any of the paddlers, which is similar to the racing rules of the Oxford Cambridge race. The paddlers are there by their own free will and accord."

LADY JANE - "What motivates the paddlers? For the Oxford or Cambridge crews there is an education and an old boys network that opens many doors. But mostly each member of the crew is creating history."

BOGDAN - "Each person seems to have a different motivation. Most of them are fiercely competitive by nature while others are in it to face their personal demons. Shreddy lives in fear of the man that he was, and that is the demon thats driving him."

(The dragon boat finishes a 1,000 meter paddle. The helmsman signals for the crew to stop. When all the paddlers are resting, Shreddy takes a cut open orange juice jug and starts bailing the bilge.)

LADY JANE - "Why is Shreddy the only one bailing the bilge water while the others are resting."

BOGDAN - "For starters Lady Jane there is only one bailer on board, so it is not as if the rest of the crew are slacking off. However Shreddy is the bottom on the pack hierarchy as he is what in a primate pack would be called a hang around. He has to prove himself to every one of the members of the pack before he can attain the status of a prospect, which is still a status level below a member of the pack. He is on an existing dragon boat racing team racing with the Posties, he has approached this team wanting to run with the Gorging Dragons pack."

LADY JANE - "If we use the social structure of the African Wild dog, where would Shreddy's position be in the pack hierarchy?"

BOGDAN - "He would be the dog that does not sleep with the pack, who is forced to sleep a distance away until the pack accepts him. Had he been a African Wild dog, he would be required to bark if hyenas, lions, leopards or any other large predator approached the pack and provide a signal for them. It is the willingness of a dog to self-sacrifice and give the alarm to the pack that eventually demonstrates to the pack worthiness of the hang around dog for membership."

LADY JANE - "At least he is not the packs dinner."

Shaving Before Practice - Tryouts for the Gorging Dragons

Until I make the Gorging Dragons Racing Team or I don't make the cut for the Gorging Dragons Racing Team, I have a one track mind. Learning how to go extremely fast on water.

I have two key strength metrics that should in theory give me the theoretical ability to go extremely fast. Pulling power as is measured in my ability to defeat my own body mass doing pull ups and rotational core body strength that is measured by my ability to do oblique twist sit ups. However I lack paddling proficiency and the job of the Gorging Dragons is to teach me how to paddle like they do.

What could I a 45 year old fat man, living in a work in progress body add to Canada's most decorated dragon boat racing team?

I could, if I make the cut be the teams Colin Chapman, O.B.E. I can be the cold hearted dick that leads by his own example that is given the thankless task of lightening the crew.

Ultimately the right to represent Canada on water on the world stage will be decided by three things.

1> The teamwork of the crews in getting their timing perfect, as paddles that hit the water milliseconds off slow the boat down.

2> The fitness and conditioning of the crew. A 1,000 Meter dragon boat race is hard on the body. Four minutes of a painful unnatural body movement that after 30 seconds you wish you could stop doing what you are doing, but you push yourself to go all out until you hear the stern give the order to stop.

3> Power to weight ratio. If two crews are equally fit, and equally skilled. The crew with the higher power to weight ratio is going to win.

It is the third point which at this level of competition, is most likely going to be the ultimate determining factor whether the team succeeds or whether the effort was in vain.

It is the third point, where if I make the crew, I could make my greatest contribution to the team. Nobody on the Gorging Dragons Racing Team has the authority on the issue of weight that I do.

I lost 100 pounds. I kept 100 pounds off. To contribute my absolute 100% best to the team I have to lose at least a further 15 pounds. Looking at the current team, only four members that I have seen so far do not need to lose an ounce of weight. If my paddling ability can be brought up to snuff and I make the team, I would want to be the Gorging Dragon that my team mates love to hate. I want to be a paddler and the master of the weight roster.

I have to practice what I preach and demonstrate to the team my commitment to ensure I bring nothing on the boat that will slow the team down during practice.

Before every practice, I shave. It is something I hate to do, but ultimately it is a small but necessary sacrifice. First it is a show of respect to the team. They are the best, I am trying out for the best, all the junior paddlers with other teams see me looking my best trying to make the best team. Shaving also demonstrates a commitment to lightening the load. Removing a fraction of a gram of facial hair and improving the aerodynamic characteristics of the boat makes it measurably faster. Losing a further 10 pounds would make the boat measurably faster. Using moral suasion and lightening the crew by 100 kilograms will by my calculations shave approximately 4 seconds off of the time on a 1,000 meter race. For a 2,000 meter race my best estimate is at least a 10 second saving on time. Taking 220 pounds off of the combined crew weight will provide the team the edge that will win the Gorging Dragons the privilege of representing Canada a third time.

The Serbs shared a secret with me when I spent the winter living amongst them in Serbia. They taught me how to tell a woman to drop some kilos without getting killed. If I can convince the group that my moral authority over weight can be a valuable addition to the team and if my paddling skills place me square in the middle of the rostered members time. It will be the Gorging Dragons call as to how badly they want a weight master.

Today my first early Sunday morning practice. What have I got myself into?

Saint Arkan, please watch over me.

Training for the Muscle Up

Of exercises I consider the pull up to be King. It is the ultimate equalizer in how truly strong an individual is. It is similar to the chin up in requiring the raising of the body to the bar, but instead of a supine grip where the palms face the individual, the pull up uses the pronate grip where the palms face away from the individual. The heavier an individual, the harder it is to raise their body mass to a bar.

The pull ups target the Latissimus Dorsi muscles in the back along with all of the assisting group of muscles. If one goes to visits a well equipped gym, one will usually find the biggest line ups at the lat pull down machine. Posers and cheats queueing up to look strong doing lat pull downs and wide grip lat pull downs However if one goes to the pull up bars, there is no lineups. That is because when one is doing pull ups one cannot cheat or pose, as pull ups are a serious training exercise.

I do the majority of my pull ups from the full extension as opposed to the wide grip. The reason I do them this way is that full extension pull ups are harder and they target the bottom of the Latissimus Dorsi muscles as opposed to wide grip pull ups which target the upper lats. I also do narrow grip pull ups where both hands are adjacent to each other. These are the hardest pull ups of all and they provide extra conditioning for the core stabilizer muscles.

There is one variant of the pull up I have never performed and that is the muscle up. It is the next order of magnitude and it is the basis of the horizontal bar exercises in men's gymnastics. It is a pull up where one does not stop at the chin, clavicle or sternum position but instead one continues until the centre of gravity is raised above the bar via the arms straightening and the palms achieving an inverted supine position. If the pull up is the Hells Angel of exercises, the muscle up is the Full Patch Nomad.



Here is a video of the world record at muscle ups in a non stop set of 26.

I am certain that if I can develop sufficient strength and coordination over the next 6 months to perform a muscle up, I will have what it takes to make the Gorging Dragons Racing Team.

To get there will require a plan and a disciplined training program. The golden rules will be:

1> Practice doing pull ups and do as many sets as humanly possible while never doing sets to failure.

2> Stop doing wide grip pull ups all together and only do shoulder width, and narrow grip pull ups

3> Do pull ups whenever possible to the sternum position

4> Get lighter. Drop from 165 pounds to 155 pounds. There are ten pounds of body fat that only serve as dead weight that i can afford to lose.

5> Start a pull up diary where I keep track of numbers of sets and total repetitions and types of pull ups. Compute moving weighted average totals to monitor training intensity and evaluate training intensity against actual results.

6> Never get discouraged. It was less than one year ago that I performed my first pull up from a full extension. I had managed to jump an order in magnitude in less than a year because I wanted to get fit enough to misbehave in my new body all summer. Plans change, and misbehaving can wait as I want to be a Gorging Dragon. Now that I have a better reason than merely running amok, same order of progress and half of the time.

I Must be Doing Something Right - Tryouts for The Gorging Dragons

I am currently preparing my body and mind for the 2012 Club Crew World Championships in Dragon Boat Racing being held in 2012 in Hong Kong. I am attending the tryout training camp for the Gorging Dragons Dragon Boat Racing Team, Canada`s top most decorated Dragon Boat Racing crew. The Montreal Canadians on water.



The tryout process is long and laborious with ample opportunities to fall on ones own sword and weed oneself of the trials roster. One could:

A - Not improve at an adequate rate between practices. The members of the rostered crew are taking the time and spending a significant amount of effort in teaching the aspiring crew members the correct racing techniques. It is expected that if you can not get the technique down during practice that you drill yourself on your own time to master what you do not know to the best of one`s abilities before next practice. If you are unwilling to take the extra effort, there are several other aspiring crew members who are taking the effort. You will not progress with the pack and you will not be invited back.

B - Missing a practice. This should be a no brainier but it is not. This is racing at the most elite club level where there is no Sports Canada involved paying athletes to give up their lives for training. As a prospective member you see that there are people who miss practices, but they are rostered members. They have already proven to the organization that they have what it takes to be there. Being a prospective crew member and training means that you have yet to prove yourself, and the surest way to not screw up is to make sure that it is abundantly clear to the members that you can be relied on. For me as a novice paddler who has not yet established his credibility with the paddling community, it takes the form of trying to show up first for every practice.

C - Complaining. Paddling at a this level of competitiveness is very hard on the body. After my second practice, I feel as if somebody beat my middle and lower back and my glutes muscles with a piece of steel rebar. I do not complain as I gave it all during my practice as did all the members of the crew roster. Nobody likes a complainer. In a situation such as a Gorging Dragons practice, complaining would be one of the ultimate signs of disrespect.

D - Showing up for practice with a less than stellar attitude. The Gorging Dragons are Canada`s most decorated dragon boat squad. They are a legend in the sport. When there are 200 paddlers at the clubhouse, and even one of the GDs walks by people clear the way as a show of respect. As a person attending the GD training camp, members of the other more junior crews are looking at you. The competitive ones want to be in your shoes. While the GDs are trying to break you and provide a reason for you to quit training the onus is one one to show the rest of the club teams why you are training to make the GD roster. Showing up early, shaving before every practice, conducting oneself in a dignified manner when there are many scantily dressed young women around. If you look bad, the GDs look bad.

E - Doing something stupid and injuring a rostered member or oneself. This is the one that I have to be most careful about. Every rostered member of the team is involved in another form of athletics. I however am an athlete without a sport. A rostered member encouraged me to try out as in her mind, spending the last seven years losing 100 pounds and building up the body to the 99th percentile in key strength metrics gives me the mental toughness to make the team. I have trained and developed some key strength abilities that unless one did my specific training regimen or was a rock climber, a person cannot do what I can do. I have to resist the temptation to go for the pull up bar at the clubhouse and freestyle from it. At the least it would be disrespectful to the team if all the junior crews saw a training camp prospect do something a rostered member would not do. If I got hurt free-styling from the pull up bar, that would be the end of training camp. If I did not get hurt free-styling from the bar, and the competitive nature of a rostered team member made them attempt to freestyle and they got hurt, that would be the end of training camp as what squad wants a prospect that would engage in fratricide.

I have woken up after completing my second practice with the team. I came home last night and reflected about the practice while doing my full set of oblique twist sit ups. The Gorging Dragons will be providing me ample opportunity to fall on my own sword. If I do not make it on the team, it will be due to a lack of experience and proficiency rather than plain incompetence. I have something that I have to prove to myself. The Gorging Dragons will be pushing me non stop and trying to break me. That is something I must not allow the training process to do, as I am a Herzegovian. I got invited back to a third practice with the crew so I must be doing something right.

A Silk Purse Out of Oasis' Sow's Ear

Thus far I have found the British band Oasis to be very similar to duct tape. For the last year, I have used Oasis to help fix almost everything.

1> A lack of motivation to exercise is easily fixed by watching an Oasis video of a performance from the Stop the Clocks tour of 2008 to 2009. The band looks in fabulous physical condition. Noel Gallagher (the band leader - lead/rhythm guitarist) & Gem Archer (lead/rhythm guitars) are in their 40s, while Liam Gallagher (lead vocals) and Andy Bell (bassist) are in their late 30s. Between the four band members there is not an hint of flab anywhere on their bodies. They are trim enough and their bodies are young enough to wear Armani Exchange. I imagine an army of chefs, pilates instructors and a mountain of cocaine are there to help keep Liam Gallagher slim, trim and adequately functional.

I prefer to do my own cooking, I develop my own exercise and training techniques and I don't derive pleasure or utility from cocaine. Their performances from this tour gave rise to my motivational mantra that I say before a set of pull ups:

"Damn you Gallagher brothers I cannot afford a mountain of cocaine."

Then up the bar I go to do my set of compound muscle movement pulls ups.

2> Oasis helps with doing repetitive and tedious tasks where error is not an option. Any of their tour performances in the support of their album Standing on the Shoulders of Giants and onwards have the addition of Gem Archer and Andy Bell in the band lineup. Gem Archer and Andy Bell are both experienced musicians who were paid very well to do a repetitive and simple task. Andy Bell is required to keep timing with the drummer, and Gem Archer is required to play three chords correctly. Nothing more and nothing else. Noel Gallagher even allowed them to chew gum while they were performing as they were never required to do any backing vocals. Do simple job. Don't mess up simple job. Boss doesn't get worried that you are the weakest link. Boss can concentrate on making sure younger brother Liam Gallagher does not screw everything up.

3> Oasis' train wreck performance as the headliners at the Glastonbury Music Festival in 2004 has helped me start to develop the new paddling and timing techniques on dry land. Allan White the drummer from Oasis from the albums What's the Story Morning Glory to Heathen Chemistry had left the band. Noell asked him to leave as he was enabling younger brother Liam to be led astray. Allan White could have several drinks, consume some illicit substances and perform very well. Liam seeing drink and illicit substances would consume them and sing very poorly. Off went Allan and the band hired Zack Starkey the son of Ringo Star (Richard Starkey) to be the new drummer.

Andy Bell the bass player of Oasis had never played a bass guitar before being asked to join Oasis. He is a guitarist that used the Suzuki method to learn the bass. His bass training was to set his timing against Allan White. He did not learn to set timing against a drummer but against Allan White specifically. Zack Starkey being Ringo's son is hard wired to drum. End result for the performance, Andy Bell could not set his timing correctly against Zack Starkey's drumming. Liam Gallagher danced around the stage in a white parka looking like a drag king version of Brigette Nielsen and the performance was a disaster.

But in that disaster I found the strands of silk that I used to start weaving my purse. Zack Starkey's drumming was perfect, and I have been using his steady beat to learn a new dragon boat paddling technique on dry land:

Beat one, extend and bend.

Beat two, drive it in.

Beat three pull and draw.

Beat four, ratchet to before.

Something is definitely happening to me when I find myself watching Oasis' worst performance ever while sitting on a wooden bench in my basement practising paddle strokes. Either I have been bitten hard by a form of competitive bug. Or it is my spirit's way of telling me to go back to tally whacking and get a life.

An Inverse Roman Chair

For personal fitness training the ultimate instrument of torture is the Roman Chair. It has an aptly earned name, as no other piece of apparatus can teach the Roman virtue of stoicism better than a Roman Chair. It is used for doing sit ups and oblique twist sit ups. It is two padded horizontal parallel bars where one is almost directly above the other by a distance of approximately 40 centimetres, with the bottom one being approximately 15 to 20 centimetres above the floor. These two bars are held together by two L shaped pieces of steel where the bottom leg of the L provides the ground stability.

The bottom bar hooks in front of your shins with your feet coming under the bar from behind. The back of your quadriceps muscles rest on the top padded bar with the top padded bar being behind ones knee on the backside of the legs. There is nowhere to rest and nowhere to cheat. It is you against the chair and she is determined to break your spirit and shatter you as a human being. Ultimately surviving the chair involves incredible core strength but even more so mental toughness because unless there is some greater force burning within and driving you, the chair will break you. If you can beat the chair she rewards you with 99th percentile and higher core body strength.

Here is a photo of a sissy version of a Roman chair. Instead of a nice comfortable L shaped pad for the backs of the thighs and calves, the manly man version has a padded off centre steel bar.

Doing any exercise inverted 180 degrees generally requires three times the strength of doing an exercise on the normal gravitational plane. Doing a tricep dip inverted 180 degrees requires three times the relative strength that doing a tricep dip right side up does.

The paddling technique I saw requires a muscle pull that is the 180 degree opposite from the muscle contraction used for my oblique twist sit up. It is time to conjure the nastiest instrument of torture. Off to the drawing board to design a 180 degree inverse Roman Chair. Dr. Jekyll is off to build a more sinister way of torturing Mr. Hyde.

My New Rubix Cube

When I was a child I received a Rubix Cube. It is a mathematical puzzle that has 54 faces to a cube in six colours. The object is to start with the same colours on the same side, mix them ups, and resort the colours on the same side again. There is a mathematical formula and some principals involved. As a child I did not understand these parameters and the Rubix Cube nearly drove me to madness.

I am facing a similar block right now. Last night was my first try-out for the dragon boat racing team that will be representing Canada in the 2012 World Championships. They have a training program that will make most of the men that are trying out quit, with an early morning double practice on Sunday mornings. The paddlers that are competing against me for a spot on the roster are all more experienced than I am, with a far superior technique. However I have one ace up my sleeve and whether I make the team is ultimately going to depend on whether I can use my ace. Only one member of the actual team roster that I am aware of can beat me in doing pull ups. Nobody on the team roster can touch me in doing oblique twists. Everybody but one paddler trying out can beat me in technique. My Rubix Cube is how to apply 99th percentile upper body strength and 99.9th percentile core strength to a piece of wood called a paddle to a liquid called water.

I need to find a coach who does not have a freakish strength parameter for paddling, but instead relies on skill. I need someone who can survive on the basis of brains rather than brawn. I need a coach that can teach me their method correctly, so that I can apply my freakish strength to the water. A man cannot teach me because ultimately a man resorts to brawn and using brawn is not going to earn me a spot on the roster. I need to learn how to use my brain. I need a woman to teach me technique.

Had I been in Europe, getting a woman to help you out of a jamb is easy. Put on a Canadian Flag bandanna and make puppy dog eyes. When one is the human equivalent of a shar pei puppy, European women are there to help. How am I going to find a female paddler that can teach me what I need to know so I can go extremely fast? What quid pro quo can I possibly offer? The Canadian Flag bandanna with the puppy dog eyes does not work in Canada at all. How many women that paddle want to learn how to do pull ups?

A Course of Action

I finished my rowing level one beginners learn to row program. I have to make a choice between two aquatic sports. Rowing as a lightweight single sculler or dragon boating to the next competitive level and competing on a top platinum division squad at the national/international level.

If you are a poor rower, rowing sucks unless you can compete at a high enough level to get descent training slots. However I am a yuppie who can afford his own scull. Which means I can train when its convenient for me. Another advantage to having your own scull is it puts you in a power position where you can dispense graft in the form of allowing people who are really nice to you to use your scull during times that you are not using it.

Somehow my sixth sense tells me that if I purchased a racing scull, I can possibly be setting the stage for getting myself into a heap of trouble. Time to focus on dragon boat racing and to keep competing for a spot on the roster that will represent Canada in the World Championships in 2012. Five practices a week with a double session early Sunday mornings to weed out those that are not dedicated enough for the task at hand. National team selection will take place in a year. As dragon boat racing does not receive Sport Canada funding, so if I have what it takes to make the national squad, goodbye racing scull money.

Sometimes the last thing a middle aged man needs is to go out and purchase a very fast toy for themselves. I just am not emotionally ready to be a lightweight rower who owns his own racing scull in a club full of poor female rowers . Maybe I am finally growing up.

My first practice with the top squad in the country was tonight. I go to bed a very humbled man.

Rowers The Worlds Smartest Athletes

Who at times can collectively be dimmer than two watt bulbs.

I spent last weekend at a rowing clubhouse. It was a great opportunity to people watch and study rowers. Allegedly they are the world's smartest athletes. For the Oxford Cambridge race, any of the Eight's could have half the compliment be PHD candidates. Competitive rowers tend to do well after rowing, as they are tall and statistically tall people do better than short people.

However one of the things about the rowing clubhouse was puzzling and that was the inefficient allocation of scare resources. Rowing is an expensive sport with a single scull starting at $8,000 and going up to $35,000. An Eight can cost $100,000. They racing boats are very expensive pieces of equipment that are extremely delicate and require protection from the elements.

The primary goal of a rowing club should obviously be to make the boats that they own go as fast as possible. With the ultimate goal of being faster, than the competing rowing clubs crews.

However upon observation of a rowing club it appears that the primary function is to set up a Hen Pecking Order. As rowers get seniority, they move into better training slots sort of like a labour union where one has access to better shifts and first call on holidays. An elitist element in a competitive sport which by definition should imply a meritocracy.

Competitive rowing is a contest in the ability to endure leg pain, followed by back pain followed by arm pain, and then overall pain. If you cannot be in the rowboats, you can train on a rowing machine which is an expensive piece of equipment that is far less expensive than a racing rowboat. If you cannot get on a rowboat you can train on a bicycle as most of the propulsive force in rowing comes from the legs.

There is a piece of training apparatus that is inexpensive and highly effective for developing the back and arm strength with an added benefit of keeping the rowers from gaining weight and keeping the lightweight rowers as lightweights. It is the pull up bar. At the multi-million dollar facility that I spent last weekend training at, they have a pull up bar and it is embarrassing. Two pieces of pipe attached to a concrete ceiling in the middle of the area where the expensive delicate rowboats are stored. They are in a position where they are almost useless at best, and potentially damaging to club property at worst.

For the cost of a single training scull, a rowing club can build the mother of all pull up bar jungle gyms. An outdoor set up where they young fellows and the young women can ham it up for one another all the while developing massive back and arm strength without getting heavier. In Her Majesties Airborne & Special Forces training bases there are pull up bars everywhere. This is because they offer by far the most bang for the buck.

Why can't the worlds allegedly smartest athletes do something so obvious? Maybe it is because if they used inexpensive effective training solutions that got them the most bang for the buck they would have less excuses to beg for money?

Don't People Care What They Look Like Any More?

Living the second half of my life in a gorgeous body makes me realize how truly awful most peoples bodies are.

Do they care enough about themselves to not look awful?

What I have learned during the last two years is that it takes far more effort to look like hell than it takes to look fantastic.

I spend less than a hour a week and my result is a body that is better than most of the male underwear models that are half my age?

Does it require more effort to look like a slob than to look like a male underwear model?

Effort to have an underwear model's body:

1> A set of oblique twist sit ups performed religiously every second evening after supper.
2> A set of chin ups performed from a full extension 3 times a week
3> A set of pull ups performed from a full extension 3 times a week
4> A set of hyper extension leg raises performed three times a week
5> Watch your weight and don't allow yourself to get fat.

Effort required to look like hell:

1> Several highly nutritious snacks each day
2> Having an extra patty, cheese, bacon & mayo on a hamburger
3> Drinking fruit juice that is full of good things the experts tell you are good for you
4> Going to a gym three times a week for repetitive torture
5> Not caring about your weight and watching TV while gorging out of boredom.

It is frightening, but it takes far more effort to look like hell than to look like a male underwear model.



The price I pay for living in a body to die for is less than one hour a week.

The price the majority of men spend on a body to die because of is far more than an hour a week.

It must be as I get older I get more Herzegovian. The greater the passage of time the more obvious the easy work around and solutions become. Why would anybody want to look terrible when for a tenth of the effort they can look fabulous?

Another Bridezilla That Bought Her Own Bloodstone

None other than Cocaine Kate Moss.

Allegedly she paid $180,000 USD for a Bloodstone as a gift to her drone, so he could regift it back to her, so she could have a Bridezilla Orgy.

If I ever get married again. It will be in Las Vegas by Elvis.

Sensible & Weird Living Arrangements

Victoria and Vancouver BC are the home of the newest household phenomenon. Exes living together as roommates out of necessity.

The lower mainland of BC and Victoria have the highest housing costs in the country. It takes 75% of the combined take home pay of the average household to live in the average housing unit based upon a 25 year amortization of debt. It takes 1.5 Life Effort Units for shelter

If a couple owns a home and they want to split up, what do they do?

They live together in separate bedrooms, and if the place is large enough and the zoning allows for it, the duplex the residence. They continue living with someone they would rather not live with, or they become next door neighbours with someone they would rather not be neighbours with. However bad it sounds, the alternatives are far worse. They could:

1> Sell their home, use the proceeds to buy two separate homes that would be 55% debt if they were comparable homes. Resulting in both of the former spouses entire incomes being used to pay for their respective homes.

2> They then become vulnerable to the feral homeless predators. Men and women who just are incapable of getting life together who are desperate for shelter and they will do anything for protection from the elements. For a desperate man it takes the form of paying attention to any tripe the female homeowner wants to gab about with the hopes of moving into her mortgaged home and either living cheaply or taking half her interest. For a desperate woman it takes the form of satisfying the sexual needs of a home owning man, with the hopes of being able to move into the mortgaged home and live for free or take half of the home away.

The greatest advantage of living with the ex is that they scare the predators away.

For a person who owns a mortgaged home and is single, the best choice of boyfriend or girlfriend is someone that lives with their ex as a roommate in a home that is jointly owned with their ex. This is because:

1> The man or woman who lives with their ex in a jointly owned home never receives a deemed entitlement by law to steal the mortgaged home of their boyfriend or girlfriend. This is because the mortgaged home never becomes a marital home of a legally married or common law relationship.

2> If you live in a mortgaged home and you have a boyfriend or girlfriend that is a trades-person that lives with their ex, you have the ability to have your cake and eat it to. You have a skilled individual that can improve your mortgaged home by putting their sweat into your equity, and their is no worry that a constructive trust will arise with your improved mortgaged home being deemed to be property of a constructive trust.

3> If you need a time-out from your boyfriend or girlfriend that resides with their ex, you simply send your boyfriend or girlfriend back home to their ex.


If you are single and you own a home clear title you should be able to spot a win-win situation here. Get a boyfriend or girlfriend that lives in a jointly owned property with their ex who is a skilled handy person. Start labour intensive minor home improvement projects that require minimum materials but lots of sweat effort. Invite your boyfriend or girlfriend to help, which they will gladly do as it provides an escape from their ex. Get your home improved and made more valuable in such a manner that you are protected from the predatory hands of homeless house stealer, or of the greatest thief of all Her Majesty.

I live with a signed separation agreement with my soon to be ex-wife. We do it for financial considerations as we don't want to throw our entire lives away to pay for housing, and we are afraid if we were in a situation where we were throwing our entire lives away to pay for separate housing, a homeless predator might steal what we have.

What kind of a woman would benefit the most from entering into a relationship with me? A woman that owns a home. She can provide me with refuge as long as I am toiling away on improving her home. She can be shagging a man with the body of an underwear model, while having her home made more valuable. All the while she can sleep soundly with the security that I never get granted a legal right to take her property. Its called having your cake and eating it too.

Whats in it for me? A chance to have temporary refuge away from my ex. A chance to shag with someone that I don't have to worry is going to try to steal my property. An opportunity to spend time with a smart person in an even nicer place than I own. Its called having my cake and eating it too.

My sixth sense tells me that the right financially secure, fiercely independent, home owning, attractive woman in her 50s and I can make beautiful music together.

Run Ratko Run

I used to think Ratko Mladic was one of the worst assholes that ever lived, in the same league as Adolph Hitler. That was until I received the results of my DNA test that proved that I come from the original bloodline of Bosnia & Herzegovina, and I saw the beauty of Herzegovina with my own eyes. My Y chromosome is a direct barely mutated duplicate descendant of I2A(M423). The first modern indigenous Herzegovian man to live there 22,000 years ago.

My roots in Bosnia & Herzegovina are deepest of all. My ancestral claim to the land is stronger than any Native North American's claim to any square centimetre of North America. I can visit Bosnia & Herzegovina yet I have no Right of Return. That makes my blood boil.

Under every established principal of international law I should have a right of return.

1> My mother was not a Canadian Citizen when I was born, but a Yugoslavian Citizen from the Republic of Bosnia & Herzegovina.

2> My father's clan are descendants of refugees from Bosnia & Herzegovina having been ethnically cleansed out of there by the Muslims over 300 years ago.

3> Numbers don't lie and a 67 marker Y scan places my ancestors in West Herzegovina for 20,000 years.

But I cannot return unless I marry a citizen, or I build a house there for my mother and live with her.

Why is that? Because I do not bow down to Allah as my God.

Fifteen years ago Ratko Maldic's men were rounding up Muslim men and boys when they overran the UN protected safe area in Srebrenica. They took their captives, shot them all and threw them in mass graves. When I was first aware of what had happened I thought a war crime of great magnitude had been committed.

However time has changed my views.

A> The Muslims in Srebrenica were involved with perfidy which a war crime, by using the UN troops as a protective shield to base raids on Serbian villages from Srebrenica.

B> The Muslims had first invented Ethnic Cleansing as that is how my Y clan wound up in Croatia in the middle of a desert.

C> The Muslims were the first to take hostages during the civil war in Yugoslavia and deploy them as human shields. They stopped Serbian civilians from leaving Sarajevo and held them as captives so that 20% of all the casualties from Serbian artillery shells were Serbs.

My views of Ratko have changed over time from a villain to a victim. The United States of America and NATO bombed the Serbs as punishment for what they did to the infidels in Srebrenica. The West killed Christians because the Christians were killing Muslims.

How does Islam say thank you to the West for killing Christian Serbs from the sky in Bosnia, Serbia & Kosovo?

9-11

Hindsight is 20-20. What Ratko Mladic allegedly did was not a crime, but a good start.

Run Ratko run.

Ready To Row

Tomorrow my big sculling day. I retake the first half and if I survive the day take the second half of my beginners learn to row program. The purpose of the course is to teach an aspiring rower how to safely operate a single person scull with sufficient proficiency that you can make it to a start line on your own power without hurting anyone. It also satisfies the club that you are sufficiently competent to use club property namely the racing sculls.

Single person sculling has a golden rule:

Keep both hand on your oars at all times.

It is as basic as don't fall on your own sword, or do not touch a red hot stove element. It is something that should be the case at all times with no exceptions other than when floatside and the scull is alongside the dock.

The other common sense guidelines for rowing.

Don't wear lose fitting clothing as it can catch your oar.

Wear cheap sunglasses as you will lose them when you dump into the water. Or if you can afford them get proper aquatic sunglasses that float.

Wear clothing that helps make you visible as a single person scull is very hard to control and very fast, making a lone sculler a floating speed bump to a motor boat. It is easier for the motor boat to avoid you than it is for you to avoid them.

Listen to your instructor. He knows what he is doing and he can see where you are going.

Tomorrow I return to the boathouse to face my fears again. This time as a aspiring lightweight without my Oakley Gascans, but wearing Oakley flip flops and board shorts. Hopefully the rib healed stronger than the outrigger.

Attending a Singles Mixer - The Best Looking Women Are Over 50

Yesterday I attended my first weeknight after work singles business mixer. It was held at a more expensive lounge in Victoria so as to exclude the unemployed singles.

There were approximately 50 people in attendance ranging in age from 30 to 65, with an equal number from both genders and an evenly spaced age distribution. Time to do some people watching.

Best female body - Woman aged 44, never had children

Second best female body - Tie between a woman aged 45 who had 4 children and a woman in her 60s that hadn't had any children.

Worst female body - Tie between three women in their 30s. Unmarried, childless apples.

Best male body - Shreddy of course

Second best male body - Spanish fellow in his mid 50s

Worst male body - Tie between an apple man in his 30s and an apple man in his early 60s.

The rest of the women in attendance in their 30s were all overweight. With the women in their 50s, half were overweight and the other half had athletic bodies.

It seems that the only way a woman in her 30s will get a piece of Shreddy's body is if she pays Shreddy very well.

A Ten Year Goal or a Five Year Plan?

They say that it takes 10 years of dedicated training to produce a World Class athlete. That being someone who can compete at an international level representing his or her country.

By my 55th birthday, my goal is to represent Canada or Croatia in a competitive sport at my age level in a world championship.

The energy that would be wasted listening to the tripe of Cheetahs and Cougars could be put to far better use propelling the new body to excellence.

Within the next year, if I can break through the following three barriers I will lower the bar to age 50.

1> One hundred pull ups from a full extension in under an hour (my lifetime personal best 67, two months ago)

2> Two hundred oblique twist sit ups in a non stop set (my lifetime personal best 170, one month ago)

3> Two muscle ups starting from a full hanging extension (have never done even one before)

It is a game of orders of magnitude. I was at one time in the bottom 10% by these metrics. One order of magnitude took me to the top 10% by these metrics. Then I jumped another order of magnitude and I am in currently in the 1% in core and upper body strength. Having a body fit enough to be able to accomplish all three of these would place me within the next order of magnitude the top 0.1% in core and upper body strength for my age group.

One order of magnitude beyond that and I would have proven that a lifelong out of shape obese slob can do the impossible, become a World Class athlete at his age level. But then again a bumble bee can fly.

The Best Looking Women are Over 50

Yesterday while grocery shopping I found myself in the supermarket lineup with a woman in her mid 50s with a body to die for. A minute later a close friend's girlfriend who is a woman in her late 50s and a body to die for lined up after me and I found she knows the woman in her mid 50s with the body to die for.

What a lucky fellow I was on a scorching summer day to be between the two most attractive women in the whole supermarket. A woman in her mid 50s, and a woman in her late 50s.

A few hours later I went to my dragon boat racing practice. All of the men in my crew who had painted their nails still had the nail polish on as a show of team solidarity. When it came time for our mixed crew to do our muscle stretches, the woman on our crew who is the eye candy. You guessed it a woman in her 50s.

When I contemplate entering into a relationship, it seems that all logical thought leads to a woman in her 50s.

A woman in her 30s is desperate. She wants her Bloodstone and her Bridezilla Orgy. For this she would sell her soul and her future child's genetic heritage. Why would I want to enter into a relationship with someone who is fixated with Bloodstone and a Bridezilla Orgy.

A woman in her 40s would unless she is childless have too much baggage. I have already raised a child to self-sufficient adulthood and I don't have the desire to play dad to another man's children.

A woman in her 50s if she had children would have grown children as do I. But women in their 50s seem to only age whereas the younger generation tend to age and deteriorate simultaneously.

Mini skirts over 20 NO. Mini skirts over 50 YES PLEASE

Studying The Clooney Sect of Silverback (part 3)

(We start off where we left off last time. Bogdan the master of disguise for the Pink Panthers the World's Foremost Gang of Jewel Thieves from the Serbian city of Nis and Lady Valerie Jane Morris Goodall the World's foremost primatologist are observing a gathering of slender hooded figures who at first glance appeared to be female pop singers and actresses but upon removal of their hoods turned out to be none other than Bogdan's friend Shreddy and his metrosexual support group, The Council of Silverbacks)

LADY JANE - "Why have you taken an interest in studying the behaviour of metrosexuals?"

BOGDAN - "I have two reasons. First Shreddy is my friend and I worry about him. I wish we could find him a nice Serbian woman so he could father a future generation of Pink Panthers. This new behaviour of his is very puzzling and we find from our observations is infectious. I have a theory as to why he and the rest of the fittest men have gone metrosexual."

LADY JANE - "What would cause heterosexual men to exhibit behaviours that are stereotypically associated with homosexual men?"

BOGDAN - "They are too afraid to tell women that they are fat. If the women in the Western Society don't get pressure from the fittest men to keep the weight off, they allow themselves to go to hell in a hand basket. The fittest men see that as a rule that the women are so unattractive that they start to congregate together because they find themselves more pleasing to the eye than women. Then the women find that the fit men have no interest in them so they do a Helena Guergis and they go Bridezilla with hideous Muslims that look like a cross between Mr. Potato Head and a toad."

LADY JANE - "Helena Guergis, who is she?"

BOGDAN - "She is Canada's former Minister of State for Women. She married a hideous Mr. Potato Head crossed with a toad. She had her political career disintegrate because she was mixing cocaine and fertility drugs in a desperate attempt to get pregnant and birth future jihadis."

LADY JANE - "My what a poor messed up woman."

BOGDAN - "What a poor messed up World. Lady Jane there is almost a barrier that keeps the fittest of the men from fathering children. Western society is ultimately going to die as a result of it. We have Cheetahs & Cougars when they realize that they are going to be physical train wrecks, trying to breed with men from the shallow end of the gene pool."

LADY JANE - "I do notice whenever I walk in public places an ever increasing number of obese people that wander around aimlessly eating with bewildered looks on their faces."

BOGDAN - "Those are Bloodstone Babies."

LADY JANE - "The word Bloodstone gives me shivers up my spine. I have seen first hand the destruction and human suffering that is caused by the West's demand for jewellery diamonds. When I see a woman flashing a ring in a flaunting fashion I wish I could,"

BOGDAN - "Allow a group of young African girls that were raped to feed the Bloodstone machine to attack her with rusty teaspoons?"

LADY JANE - "No I was thinking allow Frodo to spend some time with them. However allowing the victims of the woman to apply some restorative justice does have some appeal to it."

BOGDAN - "The good news is that the Clooney Sect Silverbacks do not buy into the Bloodstone machine. Given the choice between mating with a woman that demands a piece of coal that represents death and rape in Africa, or having a go with the womans brother who is a rower."

LADY JANE - "They would have the go with the rower as would I."

BOGDAN - "That is a problem. Why should the fittest men be forced to have a go with a male rower if they want a long term relationship? A Serbian woman does not demand a Bloodstone, all she would require is a wheelbarrow of loot. What these guys spend on personal care in a year would be enough to impress a Serbian woman and show them that they are fit to father her children."

LADY JANE - "Why don't the Pink Panther's just kidnap the Clooney Sect of Silverbacks, get them drunk, find some tall athletic Serbian women and before they are aware perform an Orthodox marriage ceremony?"

BOGDAN - "The Macedonians do something similar. They kidnap grooms with jobs and work visas in the EU. They spike the chorba (Macedonian soup), and when the fellow wakes up he finds himself married to a somewhat unattractive woman who can cook incredibly well so they tend to not wander away as the Macedonian woman fattens them up."

LADY JANE - "These Clooney Sect Silverbacks do make interesting study subjects. I chose chimpanzees over baboons because the wild chimpanzees are far more interesting. However these Silverbacks appear to be the most fascinating primate of all. Men that think."

BOGDAN - "I caught you looking at their bodies several times and licking your lips Lady Jane."

LADY JANE - "Bogdan I am human. When I see fit attractive men with bodies like lightweight rowers and I know for a fact that these men refuse to contribute to the raping of little African girls or the destruction of chimpanzee habitat. I get frisky. I get the urge to say "Hey Silverbacks, I too am against the raping of little African girls and do not demand a Bloodstone."

BOGDAN - "You would cause a riot amongst them and they would fight over you and wipe one another out."

LADY JANE - "Then how about the Pink Panthers kidnap Shreddy's apprentice Madonna and bring him too me. Grrrrr."

Culling Time

As a self-employed professional I periodically reach a stage where I examine my client list and ask myself what on earth am I doing with these people? Do they take my advice seriously? Who do they listen to?

If they listen to commission salespeople who refer to themselves as Financial Advisers, I realize that I am working for a fool.

Being older and wiser, I do not suffer fools gladly. A person who is dumb enough to think that a commission salesperson is looking out for their best interests is too dumb to be on my client list. Time to perform my favourite activity that being my own boss allows me to do. Time to perform a cull.

My advice to people is simple, debt is a chain that enslaves a person. Get out of debt as fast as possible and gain control of your life. The financial Adviser on the other hand tells my client to take on debt to by shoddy investments and generate big commissions for the Financial Adviser. What is most disgusting is how almost every Financial Adviser claims to be smarter than Warren Buffet.

Today I make the phone call to people who have asked me to talk to their Financial Advisers. I will be telling them that I don't need their money and there is no place for them any longer on my client list. Time to rid myself of the 10% that are responsible for 90% of my headaches.

Madame Guillotine, it is time to sing your sweet song again. Whoooooooshhhhh

Setting New Goals & Finishing The Unfinished

I have proven to myself that within a life cycle I can re-evolve a new body. One thing is certain I am at most a first cousin of the man I was before.

A year ago I made an attempt at the Rowing Canada Learn to Row beginners safety course which upon completion allows a rower to start racing at the novice level. It was fun but I neglected to follow my safety instructors directions and as a result I wrecked a scull and fractured a rib. Out for the season.

Now its a new season, my rib is healed and it's time to finish what is still left to complete. This weekend I prove to myself either of two things, that I am completely insane or that I have successfully conquered my fears. I am currently tied for the Gorge Rowing Club record for the most trips into BCs most polluted body of water by a beginner that has not completed his safety course with two trips. I don't feel bad about two dumps because I know for a fact that Jake Wetzel Canada's Double Gold Medallist men's heavy eight rower took two dumps out of a racing scull in his first attempt at rowing. With three hours of instruction in a racing scull ahead of me, will I take another trip into Rock Bay thereby breaking the club record for sludge swimming? One thing is for certain until I successfully complete my course and get my safety card, I will not be wearing my Oakleys.

After the card, what next? One side of me is drawing me towards getting very competitive at dragon boat racing. As a newbie I am pulling my weight on a crew that is competing at the second highest of five mixed crew competition levels. Do I approach the most elite crew in the province and ask them to accept me? The understanding in the community is that you get asked to join when you have sufficient credibility as a paddler. However I feel that I possess sufficient credibility as a person having lost and kept off 100 pounds.

The other side of me is drawing me towards getting competitive as a lightweight short course single scull racer. In rowing there are two classifications, then they are further broken down into age categories. One is either a lightweight rower or a plain vanilla rower. The plain vanilla variety in mens rowing has one criteria, racing weight over 72.5 Kilograms (160 pounds). It is a pure competition of the the Biggest & the Baddest at enduring pain. Lightweight rowing is also a pain endurance competition with a further complicating factor in that you are competing against your bodies natural desire to gain mass. If one weighs over 72.5 Kilograms in the racing uniform one hour before the race one is disqualified. It is a rowing subculture of fetishists who are above the allowable racing weight the entire year except for racing season.

If I successfully complete my safety course without sinking another scull or breaking any more bones, it will be time to put my life into the hands of the Golden Coin of Indecision. Heads - stay with my current dragon boat racing team and grow and develop as a team with them while embarking on a training program as a single scull mens lightweight rower. Tails - Finish off season with the dragon boating team I am currently on, approach the most elite team in the province and ask to start training with them so I can race with them next season.

How does a newbie gain sufficient credibility to get onto the most elite team of all? The newbie challenges their top dog to a trial by ordeal. Inflict more pain on their top dog in a measurable metric fitness challenge than any of his team mates can inflict upon him. The ultimate trial by ordeal I can think of to mount a challenge on is oblique twist sit ups. Tails and Shreddy goes off to give a dragon the mother of all gut aches.

Going from 40% body fat to less than 12% body fat resulted in a replacement of 28% of me with something completely new and different. Out went the fat and in came the Alpha?

The Best Looking Women Are Over 50

This last weekend I took part in the first multi-day athletic competition of my life. I was a paddler on a dragon boat that was racing in the second fastest of five racing divisions. As an accredited competitor I had my first experience of staying in a secured athletes village. What does Shreddy do when there is a captive population? People watch of course.

I decided to look closely at women's bodies in 3 age groups:

Group A - Women that by my best guess were aged 30 to 39.

Group B - Women that by my best guess were aged 40 to 49.

Group C - Women that by my best guess were aged 50 to 59.

I deliberately chose to exclude women in their 20s as in that group would be a significant number of university level athletes and I felt that it would skew the results. I also excluded the breast cancer survivors as they were easy to identify by their pink wristbands in the village.

There were 1,200 female paddlers in the village, of which 600 were not excluded.

The statistical measure I used was the 75th percentile. Which in simple English take the most attractive 25% of each age group of women, and pick the ugliest one of the most attractive 25%.

What I found shocked me. The woman at the 75th percentile of the 50 to 59 age group had a classic female figure with a clearly defined waist. The 75th percentile of the 40 to 49 age group had a slightly protruding belly. The 75th percentile of the 30 to 39 age group when compared to the 75th percentile of the 50 to 59 age group was a train wreck. The 75th percentile of the 30 to 39 age group was a pear-apple shape, protruding belly and over-sized rear end.

A few of the security personnel helped me with my research and they arrived at the same conclusion I did. That younger women have allowed themselves to go to hell in a hand-basket by such a significant degree that the 75th percentile of women in their 40s is more attractive than the 75th percentile of women in their 30s. That the most attractive women of all when looking at the 75th percentile are women in their 50s.

A stunner caught my eye this weekend and I am hoping that their was enough chemistry that she contacts me again. Intelligent, articulate, a gorgeous face and a body to die for. Age 53.